

a)(*'"""Slj. 



.1 . i 



w\ 




Class _:TS_S5j[5 
Book g^ TV 

Goppght i\"__ 



CQHffilGHT OEPOSm 




ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 

As Presicfent Clariosophic Society 

LJniversity of SoutK Carolina 



POEMS AND 
PARAGRAPHS 

BY 

ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 




1918 

THE STATE COMPANY 

COLUMBIA, S.C. 






Copyright, 1918 

BY 

The State Company 



.cc 



B 28 1918 



©CI.A492309 



INTRODUCTION 



The Poems of Robert Elliott Gonzales presented here, with one 
or two exceptions, appeared first in The Carolinian and The Gar- 
net and Blacky the student publications of the University of South 
Carolina ; the paragraphs have been selected from the editorial 
column which for nearly five years he conducted in The State. 
Many of the poems were composed hurriedly as "fillers" for The 
Carolinian^ to which he contributed frequently both prose and 
verse, while all the paragraphs were written in the quick rush of 
daily newspaper work. Many of the cleverest paragraphs have 
been omitted from this collection because — so rapidly does the 
world move, the subjects have passed away, or the incidents which 
gave them point are no longer in the public mind. 

In these poems and paragraphs are revealed the versatile attain- 
ments of a mind which leaped in an instant from graceful poetic 
imagery to the current slang of the ball field ; from classic forum 
to the arena of modern politics; from the mythical lore of the 
shadowy past to the insistent realities of today. The quaint and 
kindly philosophy, the spontaneous humor, the shrewd and subtle 
wit, and the rare gift of epigrammatic expression, were tempered 
by an infinite human sympathy which sought to cheer and help 
rather than hurt his fellows, — a generous nature which so con- 
trolled and directed the keen shafts of the mind that, with the 
power to wound and often the provocation, yet touched so chari- 
tably the follies and foibles of mankind that he left no sting. 

In this fine chivalric spirit he volunteered as a private soldier, 
and in his country's service faithfully performed, laid down his 
young life on the Mexican border, ending at 28 an earthly career 
so full of achievement that its promise was immeasurable. 

Ambrose E. Gonzales. 



POEIMS 



THE DEATH OF ALARIC. 

Amid a verdant clearing in the wild woods by the Rhine, 

On whose pure and limpid waters the moonbeams dance and 

shine, 
Once there stood a little party in the days of long ago. 
And there arose from out its midst many a doleful sound of woe ; 
For Alaric, dread Alaric, that dire lord before whose nod 
Half Christendom had trembled and made its prayers to God, 
Upon the ground was lying, and his life was flowing fast ; 
A javelin quivered in his breast, by some churlish Frank's hand 

cast. 
In the turmoil of the battle, in the fierce heat of the fray, 
The Franks were pressing forward and lost then seemed the day. 
When the Visigothic standard to our right appeared upraised 
And our steel-clad King Alaric fell upon the foe amazed. 
Then our rivals fled in terror, and gained then was the strife. 
But, oh, the price we paid therefor — our great Alaric's life ! 

But see ! Alaric staggers as he rises to his feet. 
His eyes are wild and glaring, and his hand seeks now his sheath ; 
His giant blade holds he on high : he stands with austere frown 
As he reviews the battle's course ere Death had struck him down. 
"Forward, Goths, in battle line ! Down with the Frankish slave ! 
Clash sword on shield : We onward march to glory or the grave !" 
Upon his breast where streams the blood down droops his massive 

head. 
He sways — he falls — his soul has flown — Alaric lies there — dead ! 
Then silently and sullenly, all his arms and jewels won 
In many lands and bloody frays, we heaped his corse upon. 

In a robe of royal splendor, 'neath the rippling of the wave, 
Alaric sleeps in solemn peace the calm sleep of the brave; 
And when the dreaded Goth shall kneel before the Mercy Throne, 
May all his sins forgiven be — God take him for His own ! 



POEMS AXD PARAGRAPHS 

DIANA'S BEAMS. 

Like a thousand bright fire-flies, 
Dancing where the pond-mists rise, 
Comes the moonlight o'er the sea. 
Comes Diana's light to me. 

Like the flash on Dragon's scales, 
Where fleece-seeking Jason pales, 
Comes the moonlight o'er the sea, 
Comes Diana's light to me. 

Like the gleams in mermaids' hair, 
"Watching, sailors to ensnare, 
Comes the moonlight o'er the sea. 
Comes Diana's liffht to me. 



-E., '07. 



THE HAUNTS OF ASHUR. 

'Tis night. And now is Dian seen 
Ensconced upon her silver throne ; 
The glittering, bright-eyed stars, serene. 
In stately cohorts throw their sheen 
Down on the chiseled Chalcic stone 
Like spangled rays of baldric blue 
That girds about the solemn waste. 
Fire-streaked by dark's bediamonded zone. 
No sound breaks on the desert deep; 
Among the white and ghastl}' fanes 
Is heard the zephyr's sighing moan. 
Where sheeted legions vigil keep. 
There sleeps the queenly Babylon, 
Nor rears on high thrice-terraced cone. 
Nor star-lit spire nor temple dome 
Aflame with altars of the Sun. 
Through corridor and court lush grown. 
The lizard and the bat hold sway; 
The mould of vears envelops all, 
The palace and the cell decay. 
And spectral shadows nightly wail 
Great Ishtar and Assvrian Baal. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 

THE LION'S WHELP. 

They tell you that proud England's sun 

Is sunk to rise no more ; 
That like great Rome of olden time, 

Her brightest days are o'er. 

The Uhlan looks with jealous eye, 

There snarling sulks the Gaul ; 
With ancient hate appeased, they plot 

Dominion over all. 

They think to beard the Lion's den, 
Theirs would be bloodless fight ; 

Yet who in former years might brave 
Imperial England's might? 

But from across the wave there bursts 

The roar of the Lion's whelp ; 
Not heedless will her son regard 

His mother's call for help. 

******** 

So when the measured "Marseillaise" 

Shall crash through the breadth of France, 

And Germans chant "Die Wacht am Rhein," 
Their glory to enhance — 

Then will the dreaded Saxon cry 

Go swelling o'er the plain ; 
And as it rang through Harold's host, 

Triumphant rise again ! 

For brothers all shall Saxons be, 

Though half the world apart; 
A triple tie shall bridge the sea, 

One voice, one mind, one heart ! 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 

VANITAS. 

Climbing and ever climbing 

That pathless steep of the sky, 
How many hours, little star. 

For just one moment on high ! 

Then by the same degrees falling 

To the measureless depths below, 
Thou learnest nought from the height thou hast known, 

Save the depth of the depths to know. 

But to that force that hurls thee 

Both Zenith and Nadir are one; 
And while thou dost still follow thy path, 

Still all is well that is done. 

— B., '07. 



SONG. 

[FroTn the Spanish.'] 
Let jessamines of fragrance 

Smile from above 
On her delicate colour 

That offers me love. 

But she is so modest, 

The little ingrate, 
Denying each favor 

With— shall I say hate? 

Oh, bloom, ye fair roses 

And violets blue. 
For the face that is fair 

And the love that is true. 

But for eyes that are cruel 
And know not to smile, 

Let thistles reward them. 
Avenging their guile. 



B., '07. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 9 

THE LOST EDEN 

'Mid some forest dark and dismal where the moonbeams never 

fall, 
O'er whose cavern depths abysmal hovers night's eternal pall 
Lies entombed man's long-sought Aiden, hid fore'er from mortal 

ken, 
And its breezes incense-laden, subtle, sensuous, sorrow-laden, 
Sob and sigh through wood and glen. 

Giant rocs on airy pinion swerving borne across Cathay, 
Spy, mayhap, that fair dominion, banned by genii, elf and fay. 
Hap it gleams where Niger crashes on his golden Afric strand — 
Where the surf in thunder dashes and the tropical sun flashes 
Warmly on the Carib land. 

Somewhere in those radiant regions Lethe sinuously rolls; 
Eblis leads his djinnish legions in their horrid quest for souls. 
Athanasia reigns eternal ; pallid, waxen lilies grow 
Where alyssum sheds supernal fragrance there forever vernal ; 
Red the opiate poppies glow. 

L'Envoi 

Listen to the wondrous story 

That the errant winds relate, 
Breathing of bright Aiden's glory. 

How it shines, irradiate. 
How buds bourgeon efflorescent, 

How appears the mystic dell ; 
Ask the winds soon evanescent: 

Ask — for they alone may tell. 



10 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 

THE ISLE OF HEART'S DESIRE. 
To R. F. 
The Isle of Heart's Desire lies 
A paradise, 'neath azure skies, — 
With tinkling founts that splash and sing, 
While routs of roses round them cling. 

And mass and intertwine. 

There roll the white-capped billows free, 
Ensurging on the island's lea. 
And Neptune's Tritons sport wdth glee, 
And Mermen hold high revelry 
Down in the dim depths of the sea, 
In grottos coralline. 

The isle of nectar, spice and meathe. 
Of (attars) such as Angels breathe; 
Of emerald dales, of leafy nooks, 
Of sunny vales, of laughing brooks, 
Of stars of trembling fires. 

Within that lotused land of spring. 
Perfumed with myrrhs that trade-winds bring, 
How^ oft we've watched the osprey wing — 
How oft the evening's westering 
When thou wert Queen and I thy King, 
As well as Heart's Desires. 



THE SONG OF THE WIND. 

I come unbidden o'er woodlands hidden 

From the lore of men. 
And I fly afar to the evening star 

Of a tropic glen; 
On the banks of the Nile and the Ganges I smile, 

Caressing the sculptured face 
Of one I had known on a royal throne 

When the ages were reckoned by days. 
Through sepulchres olden by eye unbeholden 

I flit and I scurry and sing, 
And I murmur a rune of the mystical moon 

In the ear of a mummied King. 

Regis. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALEZ 11 

APRIL. 

Thine eyes are the stars of the morning, 
Thy breath is the breath of the rose; 
And bright as the blossoms thy bosom adorning 
The crimson that in thy cheek glows. 

Thou smilest now on us, thou wanton, 
But I've seen thee as chill and morose 

As the wintry gray banners that flaunt on 
The mystical City of Snows. 

Yet thine eyes are so often beclouded, 

And so oft thy vermillion cheeks fade. 
That it cannot far longer be doubted — 

Thou'rt naught but a fair, fickle^jade! 



THE SIREN. 



"Down in the shady ocean deeps 

Come and return with me, 
Down where the Kingdom of Coral sleeps 

Under the sapphire sea. 
There is a realm of life and love, 

Hark ! Hear its conches blow ! 
Then lefs away through the salt sea spray^ 

While we merrily sing as we go. 

"Long is the path through the dim twilight; 
Tangled the green seaweed; 
None but we two in the pastures bright 

May drink of the deathless mead. 
List to the voice that murmurs soft 

Up from the caves below : 
%'ome^ come thou home to the ocean's foam\ 
While we rnerrUy sing as we go.''"' 

R. G. 



12 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 

A VISION OF ATLANTIS. 

To E. L. 

I stood upon the topmost crag of rock-ribbed Tau 

Which belts an inland sea. Adown the diamond slopes 

The sunlight shattered, lavishing its golden sheaves 

Of iris-colored spray o'er crystal rivulet 

And veined ledge to where, 'mid battlements and towers, 

Far-flung with onyx roof and dome, Atlantis sate. 

I breathed the atmosphere a-throb with Orient musk, 

And quaffed its perfume, sweet as any scented spice 

That clouded Circe's halls. Saw cataracts of chrome. 

And geysers spiral-like that whirled their hues to heaven. 

I glimpsed gigantic temples glittering in the sun. 

Whence swelled a choric sea of such rhapsodic song 

As never yet did lilt from mortal lyre, and strains 

Which, cleaving space, might float through cycles yet unsptung. 

And mingle with the beat of seraphs' wings around 

The Throne of God. I gazed upon the braided swards — 

Rubescent they ; far mounts of roses skyward rose 

In one red orgy. There languorous poppies swayed 

Wine-hearted, and the hyacinthine blooms aloft 

Like luminous prisms spurted to the golden sun. 

In twittering troops long companies of robins slid 

Ecstatic through the sky ; their pulsing breasts ablaze 

With glowing down that shamed the orchid's amorous blush. 

And e'en the glum, grim eagle, silent sentinel, 

Looked down less dourly from his dominating perch 

Upon the beauteous spot where Queen Atlantis lived. 

The vision's gone — the inland sea yet stretches broad. 

And laps and purls and curls where Helios once was praised 

In vasty nave and corridor. There is a still 

That untold ages breed; a mighty, solemn hush 

Of angels sobbing for the People that is Dead. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 13 

THE SPECTKE CITY. 

'Mid Ilium's ruins a column stands, 
Upreared by long forgotten hands, 
Where once of old the Grecian bands, 
With sanguine steel and flaming brands, 
Swept in destruction. 

There, as I weary leaned one day, 
While down beneath the hills away, 
Sank slow the last, red gleaming ray 

Of the sun's glory, 
A mighty city seemed to rise 
In turrets towering to the skies; 
Lo ! stretched before my startled eyes 

Lay Troy of story. 

Full bright it flashed as crystal clear. 
Fierce rang the clash of brazen spear; 
Loud pealed the tones of trumpet's blare 

Within its portals. 
Now Hector, with his sword of might, 
Leads forth his host in helms alight ; 
Ah, never yet was such a sight 

Vouchsafed to mortals. 

Like mists that melt before the morn 
The phantom troops moved slowly on ; 
Hushed were the notes of drum and horn 

When they descried me. 
And not a word nor sound nor sign 
Arose from all that silent line; 
But one there came with look benign 

And stood beside me. 

Right high and stately was his mien, 
Dread Mars himself he must have been. 
As halting there with arms asheen 

Soft fell the twilight. 
Above, in heaven's dusky veil. 
Shone out the stars with lustre pale. 
And sparkled o'er the Trojan's mail 

Like glow of firelight. 



14 /'(>/•:.]/ s AX/) /\[/:A<;/i\[/7is 

'"Lonii; years ai2,(\ \vlion Troy was young, 
II or faino from son (o soa Avas SU1112:, 
IltM- ii'lorios toll! in ovory tongue 

l>ot\voon hor bordors. 
Two Inimlrod thousand fighting nion 
"^^'ouKl si>ood from phiin and marsliy fen 
And pour (h)\\ n from the nunnitain glen 
At Priam's orders. 

"But Poai'o had lingoroil on the worUl, 
Troy's oon(|uering pennons fast wore furled, 
No more was grim ilotiance hurled, 

All lived as brothers. 
Yet soon was there no tloarth of gore, 
BlacU Death stalked from the Aegean shore, 
And in his arms the prize he bore 
That was another's. 

'''Vp, up, as one the Aoluvans rose. 
This deed, the source of all our woes, 
Had turned true friends to bitter foes 

Who gave no quarter. 
JNlonth after month upon the plain 
We swayed among the heaps of slain ; 
Whore Hoot or led was Victory's fane; 

(ireat was the slaughter. 

"Ten weary yeai*s had come and passed 
AVhen the shrill, sudden bugle blast 
Proclaimed the die of Fortune cast. 

Till now suspended. 
As written in the books of Fate, 
The Goddess to propitiate, 
AVe dragged the charger through our gate 

80 well defended. 

"ThriMigh Aganiomnon's vengeful raid, 
My heart was captive with a maid. 
And wedding vows were to be said 

Upon the morrow. 
No sentry manned the walls that night. 
The city slept by nuH>nbeams' light. 
Or qua tied red wine in beakers bright, 
And scotl'ed at sorrow. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 15 

"Awake, awake! We woke to die, 
The foe had won the ramparts high; 
In flames we saw before us lie 

The royal city. 
In every street tlie Spartans stream, 
Until the rushing torrents seem 
To swirl and toss with bloody gleam, 

Men without pity ! 

"The crash of falling timbers sounds. 
And though oppressed by many wounds 
I haste to reach the palace grounds 

Where all are turning. 
I seek Achilles in the throng, 
My arm for double vengeance strong. 
Upon my lips the old battle song 

In accents burning. 

"We struggle in the shamble place, 
I press him forward yet a pace. 
When, looking down, I see one face, 

Then was it ended. 
Now swelling bursts my heart in me. 
Launched into dim eteniity; 
'Fear not, I come — to thee, — to thee !' 

So Death descended." 

The summer's night, serenely calm. 
Soothed all the earth with grateful balm; 
A soft wind whispered through the palm, 

The old, sweet story. 
Alas! The lovers could not hear, 
Nor once again their troth plight there; 

G. E. R., '08. 



16 ro/CMs A\/> rAh\[(^h\[pns 

rKTMEVAL MAN AND I. 

We lived a long, louo^ time ago — 
A huiulred thousand years or so. 

And had for our society 
Naught but the wood, the clitt', the lea ; 
The salt-ohariied breezes blowing free, 

Behold I The vale of Troy was bare; 
Gone was its glory ! 
And all was fair for us to see. 
And all was good to do. 
We saw the colored forest's red regalia. 
Which zoned the spot the hamadryads haunted: 
We watched the reeling maenads' saturnalia. 
Within some secret, stilly vale enchanted. 
Spin in the giddy macabrean dance. 
In time to tuneless ziraleets and chants. 
Upon the gi-een of the meadow's irradiance. 
S]>in on from golden noon, 
Kociting fragments of a rune. 
Until the molten silver of the moon 
At last grows faint, and sinks into her nightly swoon. 

When all reposes. 
With him I seem to roam 

The jungle wild, where serpents hiss. 
Then leave far, far beliind the forest home. 

And come anear to those Circassian bowers of bliss 
O'erhung with ruddy amethystine ropes; 
Freighted with fragrance is the air 
That strews the nibied slopes 
With petalled roses. 
Empearled paviliiMis of roses there. 

And every tree and bush, the world relume 
With dusky crimson of the roses' glare; 

And cinnabarian billows of bloom 
Eoll down to marges dim, 
AVliere tiory tiolds of lilies brim. 
And red and orange-gold tlamingoes swim. 
And shake the shimmoring phosphoresccTice from their 
wings. 



liOBEUr ELLIOTT GONZA LES 17 

Maddening pulsations of li^juid flame — 

Just as some coilerl and circled snake, 

Asleep amid the tangled brake, 
Chameleonic gules about him flings, 
And Sf;arce tJiereafter s<?ems to be the same. 

Ygdrasil spreads her fronds of whiUi, 

To dust the pearly shrouds 
That daily light, 
And swathe by night 

The stained oriels of tlie flouds. 

\\'e mount, we climb, the Man and I, 

We see the battened windows of the sky, 
And as there falls a gentle peace. 
We hear majestic peals of organ keys. 
Struck by a Masix^r Hand. 

At twilight oft upon the strand 

We walk alone, Aldebaran 
Stands guard above, his duty done 
To bide the mystic hour of the rxjuching of the sun. 
The mighty of^ean shimmers 

Like a mesh of silver skein. 
And it glimmers, glimmers, glimmers. 

And it gleams and glints and sparkles. 
And it glooms and dips and darkles 
Menacingly onr^e again. 

We lived a long, long time ago — 
A hundred thousand years or so — 

Primeval Man and I. 
No need had we for silly laws. 
Nor listened for the world's applause; 
We knew the better from the worse 

^re Christianity! 



18 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 

THE LAST FEAST IN BABYLON. 

Lord Marduk, lo, to thee we quaff 

This beaker brimming bright ; 
A draught of nectar, Iran-brewed, 

We drink to thee tonight. 
What thought give we the morrow's doom ? 
Nimitti's ramparts tower steep, 
Nimitti's turrets strike the skies, 
And bid the leaguered city sleep. 
We scorn the beckoning death beyond. 
Nor shake, nor cringe with craven fear — 
Our Battle-God has deigned to nod. 
Our Warrior-King himself is here. 

Where else in all the world may be 

A scene so fair as this ! 
E'en Ishtar in the Silver Sky 

Might envy Babel's bliss. 
The jewelled harps are all attuned; 
Gems gleam and glitter on white breasts, 
Belshazzar pledges — drink his toast — 
"The noblest of our noble feasts". 
The atabals are throbbing loud. 
The carven censers sway and swing; 
Dark eyelids glance, as houris dance 
Before the throne of Babel's king. 

A thousand braziers range the walls 

That Izdubar portray — 
Great founder of the royal race 

That rules the land today. 
Snatches of song and laughter float, 
And mingle with the murmurous air; 
A thousand flagons, silver-wrought, 
Aglow with sparlding Opis rare. 
Less drunk are they who list, who hear 
The plaintive lyre's sweet cadence 
With ruby wine from Helbon's vine. 
Than with Accad's magnificence. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 19 

The strains are rising, higher, higher, 

Babylon's a sea of flame! 
The languid throng turns from the fire 

To shout Belshazzar's name. 
"A kiss, a kiss, my Syrtis, come. 
We may not read the scroll of fate, 
Pledge me this beaker's crimson flood", 
Hark to the clash without the gate! 
The city's burning — let it burn ! 
Until its sensuous pleasures cloy 
The world is gay; we live today, 
Nor heed the tale of fallen Troy. 

"Lord Marduk, lo, to thee we quaff," 

The song's on every tongue; 
The insensate revellers recognize 

Only that they are young. 
Prince drinks with peasant; priest with page, 
And they who girt the throne about 
Abandon honor's dearest trust 
To join the dying nation's rout. 
Nude forms, clasped in each other's arms, 
Sleep on the lily-laden stairs; 
The God of Love smiles from above — 
Irradiant Tammuz, wondrous fair. 

******* 

The golden doors are shattered down, 

The golden goblets drained ; 
The crystal fountains run with red, 

The marble stairs are stained. 
Hushed are the lips that smiled in death 
With some e'erlasting memory — 
Fled are the hearts that loved so well ; 
They bide now in the Silver Sky. 
The lotus blooms are crushed and sere. 
Nor more their dreamy fragrance spread ; 
In Marduk's fanes the jackal reigns — 
The Gods of Babylon are dead ! 



20 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 

THE VALLEY OF SLEEP. 

In a murk and mystic valley 

Is the Garden of the Hours, 
And the wayward winds that dally — 
Softly-mnrmurous winds that sally 
Through the impenetrable valley 
And the bowers, 

Sing a melancholy burden 
To the trees. 
Myrrh and myrtle, hydromel 
Weave a weird enchanted spell 
O'er the brisk and boisterous breeze. 
O'er the sad Circean seas ; 

Seas that send their seething surges 
Booming into mournful dirges, 
Or in muffled monodies. 
Poppies flare their festal torches 
Lamping Bacchanal debauches, 
And all the still Savannas 
Flame red regiments of cannas. 
And from out the golden glooms 
Blazoned with the poppy blooms. 
Lilies white and lilies yellow. 
Nodding mid the tufted mallow, 
Lithe and lissome lilies tall 
Breathe an attar magical 
On the purple plains of morning, 
Where the subtle hyacinth 
Blossoms under fallen plinth, 
Over sculptured architrave 
Oleanders blow and wave ; 
And their ominous shadows fall 
In many a stark and sunless hall, 
Builded in Time's early dawning. 

Wrought in days of old. 
And the restive wind caresses 
Down those drowsy, dim recesses 
Ghastly skulls, decaying tresses 

That once were gold. 
For the city's buried deep 
In the labyrinth of sleep. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 21 

And the darkness grows profounder, 
And dank grass springs up around her, 
They who raised and they who crowned her 

On her throne, 
In those hoary, halcyon ages 
Faintly traced on history's pages, 
Dreamt no oblivion would surround her. 

And her name, 
Remembered but by wisest sages. 

Blotted from the book of fame. 
Lost her thousand-thousand men — 
Crumbled under field and fen. 
And sole token of her wars 
A million whited sepulchres. 
And her towering Titian turrets 

A heap of stone! 
For her people disobeyed 
Commandments that her God had laid, 
And upon her like a blight 
Fell the Legions of the Light, 

And left her there alone. 



"IF". 
To R. F. 

If there could be blended 

All the turquoise tints that stain the Western skies, 
'T would be far less splendid. 

Love, than thine eyes. 

If some scented, vagrant 

Wind might waft the sweet a laden queen-bee sips, 
'T would not seem more fragrant. 

Love, than thy lips. 

If there were a measure 

Glittering high with gems of Pope, and King and Guelph, 
'Twould be a poor treasure. 

Love, to thyself ! 



22 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 

OVER THE HILLS AND FAR AWAY. 

Over tlie hills ami far away 

The fairies and j2;oblins live, thoy say. 

In a castle of silver with shutters of «!:ol(l, 

WluMv wizard anil pitjniy and stunted kobold 

Make merry with nnisic and dancing the day, 

Over (he hills and far away. 

Over (he hills and far away 

Are valleys and vineyards and greenswards gay. 
And meadows agleam with the kiss of (he sun; 
And dim, dreaming rivers that sing as they run 
A (hrenody s\vee( as (he nigh(ingale's lay. 
Over the hills and far away. 

Over the hills and far away 
Is the land of the long-lost Yesterday; 
lvnight.s-erran( and squires, the same that of old 
Tourneyed and jt)usted Avith courage so bold. 
Still stride their war-coursers, and pennons display, 
Over (he hills and far away. 

Over the hills auil far away 

Are minstrels to sing you a roundelay; 

And jesters to brighten your soul with a pun. 

There are jokes to be cracked, and yarns to be spun, 

For they're jolly good folk in their jolly old way. 

Over the hills and far away. 

Over the hills and far away 
Stalk giants gigantic that strike with disnuiy. 
Princesses imprisoned deep down — so it's told — 
In some grim ogre's dungec^i, wlu)m to behold. 
Y"ou nmst seize your good weapon, the ogre to slay. 
Over the hills ami far away. 

Over the hills and far away 

The enchanted vales keep a glad holiday. 

And over the bustle of life's busy hum 

The folk in those valleys are calling to come — 

Shall we go, you and I, and their suunnons obey. 

Over the hills and far awav? 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZAT.E^ 23 

A BACCHANALIAN BALLAD. 

Thoujj^h wintry blasts may rave witliout, 

And shrieking north-wind roar and rage, 
No storm can shake (he celhir stout 

Wlierein the philosophic sage 

Has stored the juices of the age, 
Burgundy, port and muscadine, 

And others, too, that thirst assuage — 
The choice of all the choicest wine. 

What else dissolves the stubborn doubt. 

And dowers thee with new courage 
To face tlie long assaults of gout; 

To brave the battles that they wage 

On thee, the ills of every age? 
What else, l)ut Nature's anodyne. 

The drink of poet, priest and [)age — 
The anodyne, sweet anodyne of wine! 

What else doth cheer the monk devout. 

When winter chills his hermitage 
With breath that snuffs his fires out. 

And prisons in an icen cage? 

What else, I say, but grapes that age 
In vaults the color of the vine — 

A very royal beverage. 
This anodyne, bright anodyne of wine! 

L'Envoi. 

Prince, there is talk of "thine" and "mine," 
While lawyers point distinctions fine 

In property. A heritage 
We share alike, a gift divine; 

Of death the solace, life the gage — 
The glad and glorious anodyne of wine ! 

Regulub. 



24 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 

IN THE CALIPH'S GARDEN. 

The wind-waslied ourve of the river ripples; 

Pomegranate thickets in myrtle shine; 
A tipsy Vizier of Haroun tipples 

From a stained goblet his Balsor wine, 
And dull, red, ripe blown-roses twine 

To hide a blush as the Caliph passes — 
Embowered rubies on a smoklering vine 

That burns rich attars in the sweet green grasses. 

"SUMMUM BONUM." 

{After Robert Broioning). 
Languid smile of an April sun. 

Sob of the surf on a harbor bar, 
Dip and dance of elves that run 

At the first faint glimpse of the evening star, 
And romp and revel "neath Druid trees. 

When nightly gleams the golden haze of the sister 
Pleiades. 

AVarm red flush of an Autumn moon — 

A popi)y heart in a desert plain; 
Lilt of a lark to his mate in June, 

From spaces of light to realms of rain. 
Sea-song, star-lure, lark-lilt, dawn-pearl; 

Lurk in the eyes that laugh, and lie on the lips of a 
girl. 

MY DEEAM. 

A mermaid kingdom sentinelled with skulls, 

Which sway to more melodious minstrelsy 
Than the measured music of the breeze that lulls 

Old Triton basking in a summer-sea; 
Who once within a dream did torch for me 

His pallid palaces where a dim light burns 
To show the treasure of Angels' ransomry. 

Spilled from the lips of amethystine urns. 

"Hasdrubal.'" 



robert elliott gonzales, 25 

allarainp: and the rhapsode. 

Allaraine, Archetype of Son^, and mate 

Of Ishtar, Archetype and Goddess, who sate 

At the right hand of the All-Father, and 

Whose altars smoked from Ekto Samarcand, 

Took fancy to contemplate once again 

The level world, the haunts and homes of men. 

Himself he girded then with wand and lyre, 

And crowned his head with stars of diamond fire 

That marks the God. Thus gloriously arrayed. 

Forth from his sheath he gleamed his dazzling blade 

And raised it high. Ope flew the gates of Heaven, 

And like a bolt into the deep blue riven 

He launched, swifter than sight or sound, and still 

Onward, exultant in his flight, until 

He scales the giddy ramparts of the stars. 

And ranges through thrice thirty atmospheres. 

The orbed Earth, emerging from the blue. 

Presents her wondrous mysteries to his view — 

Enverdured isle, and copse, and sombre wood 

Shimmered and sparkled ; vale and valley stood 

Sun-flushed, where Samas' lances 'gin to seek 

Each crested cordillera, snowy peak. 

The Seraph looks enraptured on the sight, 

And strikes his dulcimer with new delight, 

Beguiling notes of heavenly melody 

That shiver into space. A harmony 

There comes replying, gentle, low at first. 

Then swelling loud in one triumphant burst — 

The sweetest of P^arth's feathered songsters sing 

Their greeting to their God, their Poet-King. 

Like sound of myriad-thousand angel lyres. 

Their chant to Heaven's battlements aspires. 

Borne on the morning's bosom ; lovelier far 

Than song of seraphs to the evening star, 

Or symphony of planets in their spheres. 

Upon the brazen towers with ravished ears, 

The angel-sentries listen to the strain 

That peals and throbs to radiant Allaraine. 

Oft weirdly-mournful to the hearkening domes 

The euphony of the sweet choir comes; 



26 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 

Oft noble, grand, transcendent, sweeping far, 

As clangs the grim diapason of war. 

Or tolls the dull thunder. The Archetype's glance 

Now earthward sinks, and as he looks, by chance 

He spies a youth, a shepherd, there asleep. 

His bed the yielding clover, while the sheep 

About him crop the grass, and in surprise 

Behold their master with inquiring eyes. 

Him the Archetype considers for a space. 

And floats beside. His sun-embrowned face, 

Half-hidden in the blooms is marvelous fair. 

As though Apollo-chiselled, and his hair. 

Woven with gold strands reflects the glowing beams 

Again. Unaureoled, a god he seems. 

The God of Song unclasps a silver bow. 

And bending, on the youth's unclouded brow 

Strikes. Then the boy starts up with many a sigh, 

Unconscious of the stranger standing nigh; 

Allaraine speaks; the shepherd, all amazed 

Entranced beholds the enamelled brow upraised, 

And swift leaps backward. Now him Allaraine 

Assures, who catching sudden up his lyre. 

The rhapsode sings of love, of war, desire. 

But chiefly lyric chants in praise of song, 

And all the arts that form her courtly throng. 

And now, the acanthus-wreathed trees among 

There comes in silent answer to his song 

A maid, a shepherdess — the youth straightway 

Alters the burden of his raptured lay. 

Forsaking laud of Pan and poesy 

Headlong to plunge in passion's ecstacy. 

No more the clamorous clang of horrid war 

His lyre pulses; a ditty soft and low 

Re-echoes through the whispering woodland grove, 

Where amorous Dryads murmur lilts of love, 

Where Nymphs and Naiads in the fountains lave, 

And flashing forms disport beneath the wave, — 

She lists enamored, turns her blushing face ; 

Trembles, coyly hesitates, is lost. A pace 

She glides toward him, then tenderly in his 

Her hand he gently takes, and with a kiss 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 27 

Welcomes. Forgetful of another, they 
Depart together o'er the winding lea, 
And sounding far adown the velvet glen 
In mystic lore of love their voices blend. 
The affronted god resumes his silver bow, 
And girts the starry diadem on his brow. 
Then he: "Apollo, glorious brother, thine 
Is the victory, and this lyre of mine 
Must yield the palm, the prize, precedency, 
And all we hazarded hereon to thee; 
E'en stronger than the noblest of my arts 
Thy passion abides in human hearts — 
Imbued with thee, a shepherd, sandal-shod 
Has overthrown the power of a god !" 
Thus lonely musing, and in such a strain, 
Once more on high mounts pinioned AUaraine ; 
A many-pillared vista, towers dim. 
Embattled legions of seraphim 
Far-flashing sees, and to those realms of light 
Meteoric speeds, evanishing from sight. 



DEAR WOMEN. 



Dear women of a dear, dead cause, 

Who bloomed in other days. 
You strove not for a world's applause. 

Nor sought a nation's praise; 
But, oh, you swayed the mind of men, 

The heart, the soul with burning words 
That strengthened as the strength of ten, 

And nerved a million swords. 

Oh ye, our sires, who rode to fight 

With Hampton and with Lee, 
Ye that through darkness into light 

Wrought immortality ! 
Shall we then raise against the sky, 

Empedestaled, our heroes proud. 
And round who gave the heart to die 

Draw dark oblivion's shroud? 



28 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 

JACOBITE DRINKING SONG. 

"Fill up a last goblet, then fill up again, 
To the Prince, and the Lords who surround him, 
To the speed of the years when our Charlie shall reig;n. 
To the health of the hearts who have crowned him. 
To the lads of the North, and their pibrochs a-skirling. 
To the clans of the mustering kilties. 

To the breeze that shall blow out our banners" unfurling, 
To the hand that doth dwell where the hilt is. 

"Come death and dishonour, come Avoe or come weal. 
Thou our swords may not save from the slaughter. 
Drink deep, my braw laddies, to one who is leal 
And who drinks to us over the water; 
Then where is the coward Avho's fain to forsake him, 
Where he who with death would hold parley? 
Stout hearts, to the Prince, and the King that well make him, 
And the kinofdom that's waiting for Charlie!" 



TO EDGAR ALLAN POE. 



Somewhere in violet vales no man can know, 
Bright-armored angels guard the grave of one 
New-buried, yet with isis-flowers o'ergrown; 
And through the gray of gloaming, and the glow 
Of noon, sad-visaged shadows wander slow. 
And pilgrims from the radiant LTlalume 
Beyond the peaks of purple to that tomb 
Come silently to do thee homage, Poe! 

Thy voice, across the tideless Sea of Sleep 
Yet lingers, nor a more melodious strain 
Sounds Israfeli's lute by heavenly streams 
Than thine, evangelist, whose heart didst keep 
Promethean yearnings, and thy godlike pain, 
O mortal dreamer of immortal dreams! 

[The above poem and the following poem, "The Poet's Passion", 
were printed in The Carolinian of February, '09, along with 
other articles by students and professors commemorating 
the 100th anniversarv of Edgar Allan Poe.] 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALEZ 29 

THE POET'S PASSION. 

Thou dreamest of mystic lowlands 

Where silver rivers run — 
Of dusks of golden glowlands 

West of the setting sun. 

Thou hadst full oft in silence 

Glimpse of a lovely shore — 
Visions of green, palm islands 

Where dwelt thy lost Lenore. 

And sleep embosomed valleys, 

Where sleep all magic things 
In an enchanted palace. 

Reigned o'er by fairy kings. 

But when thy visions darkened, 

And thy restless heart grew chill, 
What heart but would have barkened 

To whispered hints of ill ? 

Mad, and beyond all fearing. 

Forlorn, unloved, alone; 
Thy tortured brain despairing 

Of e'en God on His throne. 

Thou didst as thy soul said "do it", 

Nor more high angels can — 
Thou wert not less a poet. 

Because thou wert a man. 



AVATAR. 

The eyes more deep than violets are, 
The same lithe form and face are hers 
To which in antique days I sigh'd a kiss, 

And made a lover's verse 
Sunning her bosom in the Agora; 
While 'yon Ilissos, skyward like a star 

Glitter'd Akropolis. 

G. 



30 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 

TWO SPIRITS. 

Beyond thai star by Seraphs set 
To ouiird (ho bounds of space, 

Two hastinji sonls to«iv(hor met. 
And halted, face to face. 

"Greetinor," cried one, "O Spirit Brother, 
Thon splendor in garments bright, 
Turn thou with nie." 
"Nay," said the other, 
"My body sleeps this night." 

"Our bodies sleep, and do we bide, 
Here in this lonely spotT' 

"Come, turn with me," the first replied, 
"Come, turn, for death is not." 

A mnruun- as of wings that break 
'Gainst the dull bars of space, 

Kose, as the seconil shadow spake 
With cowl thrust from his face: — 

"O Erring, know'st not the chill breath 
That none durst breathe but me? 
I may not turn, for I am Death, 
And I am come for thee!'' 



TO A NIGHTINGALE. 



A spray upon my garden-willow bends 

And in the hush'd dusk so dumb but now 

With anadems of sunset on its brow. 

From the full solace-bowl the singer lends 

My parched soul quatfs the mild wine-song that mends 

Soul-sickness like a faery draught. Oh thou, 

Slim minstrel, who, hidden 'neath the plumed bough, 

An exile lorn, unfriended, yet befriends. 

Sweet-hearted, let my spirit wing with thee 

To some rose-regioned valley of thy haunts 

Beyond Euphrates' silver seignory. 

Where thou and I, still lilting in love's delight 

Shall, nnbeholden, watch the dewy dance 

Of Maenads in a moon-enchanted night. 



robert elliott gonzales, 31 

dp]sektp:d. 

This forenoon I awoke, 
And cried unto my comrades, calling them 
By name, but naught replied to me except 
Palm-branches, (luttering in the fevered air, 
And water trickling from the spring, beside 
Which we had halted. The red sun beat down 
On me, scarce wakened from my sleep ; the hot 
Dry breath of the simoon fanned me, and parched 
My panting lips, and lo, the rill which I 
Had vaguely heard, as in a dream, to murmur 
Beneath the sparse clump of palm-trees was dry. 
The caravan was gone ; the camel tracks 
Led out into the desert, an old burnous 
Which AH, the Shah's son, (a surly dog 
Whom I hated and hate), had dropped, remained, — 
A kneeling-carpet, by some one forgot, — 
A handful of brown date seed, these were all. 
Allah ! What was my crime, that I must dwell 
And die, forlorn, forgotten, in this realm 
Of silence and of death? I that have made 
Four times the pilgriiruige to thy holy Mecca, 
I that have seen behind the curtain, I 
That even have kissed the Kaaba? Allah, just, 
Merciful, may not even the Prophet speak 
And intercede for me? I am afraid, 
Afi-aid of day, by night afraid, while morn 
Lifts and beholds me lying sleepless on 
My hard, unyielding couch. The dumb, far stars 
Do mock me, and the very sun and moon 
Send both the same round orb, alternately 
Dull crimson and clear-white. God ! how I hunger 
For the long space between the three twilights 
That I am left alone, my lips have touched 
No morsel, nor my throat, dust-stifled, drunk 
Water, for still the spring is dry. I ain 
Become too weak to rise, and so I lie. 
I had a comrade in the caravan, 
A handsome boy, small-featured, dark, with eyes 
Like wells of lucent amber, jet of hair, 
And lips of the pomegranate. Him I trusted 



/\)/:'.ys A\/) /\[h\[(;h\ipns 

As TatluM- (rusts his son, his tirst-horn biiho. 
1 I'juv hut li(lK> lluit tht>si> I i-:illo(l frionds 
ll:i\c proNOil uuiiratorul. suul I'm-sakon mo, 
(AUhi>Uiih 1 o([ had hoKl tho syin[KithY 
And h)\o thov [uotlVrod to he iionuino 
As niino was ovor ti> (h<Mn.) Hut o\\, that //< , 
INly moro tlian brotlior whom I \o\(\\ with stroniivr 
Than tho stron>i- lo\o with which man li)\os iiis mato. 
Tho apiWo of my oyo; otu'o of my hoart I 
Ah (lOil. shouhl i2,i>. 'tis moro than 1 oan hoar! 
Niiiht omuos. 1 broaiho its soontod chist, and doom 
Mysolf again at homo, in my i>wn iiardon; 
'ri\o oiihioi\ moi>n swings hiiih; tho mystio doop 
Of tho vast dosort is all a-whispor with 
Tho proiiuant noisos of tho night. Tho sand 
IX^th hip and ourl about mo as 1 lio; 
C\>nooals my arms, and odvUos round my foot. 
(i rains sift into my oar; tho sinuuMi's dirgo 
Is hushod. "^^'oary, 1 sink int(> my bod; 
Hoforo n\y tirod brain, bright phantoms rise 
(>f baiupiots, orystal fmintains. star-oyod houris. 
And A/.N' voioo, singing oU'ar in Paradise! 

lo.NOTl s. 



TENNYSON. 



O silvor-throatod bard whoso song did soar 
Frei>h, oK\ir, fuU volunied, bnioing as the breeze 
That to thy Knghmd sweeps inm\ Norhmd seas. 
Storming resurgent on the Saxon shm-o. 
Like it to s^Yell, sink, and be heard no moiv — 
Thou sorooivr of song, what Avi/.ardry 
Was thine, that made eaoh ^Yord a moU>dy, 
Kaoh syUablo a strain, what >U>rlin loiv^ 

Star-brightoning from tho roahu whoro thou hast gone 
There bivaks a Hglit, pui-e, dazzling, yet serene, 
lV\vond oelestial summits orowned with tire, 
Whoro thou, with high Immortals that have been 
Host standi, and lift, irradiant, to the Pa^Yn 
Tho swootost wMoo of all tho hoavenlv ohoir! 



ROnKRT KfJJOTT aONZALh\S 38 

TO PROFESSOR YATES SNOWDEN. 

I»ng since huuh^ uiAAv. <'s<|i]i/(; l>f>n' Ihy liincci 
Behind thee, as thou spurrd'st through Aquitaine; 
Five hundred ni(!n-at-anns rod*; in thy (rain, 
Ten times five hnndn!(J ovvnefj aHe^ijinee, 
C)f all the coiirtly ehivah-y of France 
'J'hoij wast the first; later the white co(;l<a(]e 
Shone on thy f>r(!ast, and ('aj)et's, as ye hade 
Farewell, and werjt to death as to a dance. 
They cannot say <he old romance is <!nded 
Who know and lov(; thee, for they love- who know; 
Clear honor sways thy w>ul, and jMpes of Pan 
Thy heart, and Time, whose fin^^er upfni thy brow 
Linorers so ^'ently, in thyself has blended 
All virtues of the Southern gentleman! 



TO DR. EDWARD S. JOYNE8. 

The ai>pr(jval and the just proclaim of men 
Are theirs that have deserved them. Woi-lhier none 
Of both than thee, whose luminous walk and way 
Have lighted myriad feet to the far goal 
For fifty fructuous years. IIow vai/i our words 
To tell a tithe of all a high man's deeds! 
The fickle plaudits of the various crowd; 
That satrap of the hour we call renown; 
Some froth of popular speech, the incense-savor 
Of glory on the altars of the mob- 
Cheap garlands, hasty bays, what these trj him 
Whose brow for aye a fresher laurel wears. 
Whose life is ordered, and whose days are ripe 
With service tfiat was all self-sacrifice? 



The showered largesse of a people's love. 
Nor lightly to be won, noj- lightly given. 
Our reverence, homage, honor, gra(itud(!, 
Our hearts' rich measure of its plenteousness — 
Such is our tiibute — take it, and forgive 
The tardy flovvc^r of lo\e I fiat blossoms here. 



34 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 

TO CHARLES W. BAIN. 

Ah, thou art one of us, yet all above us, 

For thou hast glimpsed, not once, the choral Muses, 

And dryads romping in the wet first woodlands. 

And Sappho, lilting on the Lesbian island, 

Alcaeus, too, in whose melodious metre 

Shine all the splendors of Hellenic dawnings. 

Dark thro' the lattice of thy study-windows 

What are the shadowy forms that pass at midnight 

About thee, drowsing o'er thy midnight labors? 

Whose are the lips that whisper low to greet thee, 

Simonides, of accents like sweet music. 

Or on thy cheek the warm breath of Catullus, 

Or Flaccus, holding high, — ah, dare I say it, 

A ghostly flagon of his mellow Massic? 



CALYDON. 



Here dim dream- vistas thronged with phantom shapes 

Show distant garden-gates of Proserpine, 
And satyrs, stained with juice of purple grapes, 

That burst, sun-ripened, on the purple vine; 
Here forests where red Autumn weave* and drapes 

A pagan pageantry of shade and shine, 
And crimson paths where some fleet n3^mph escapes 

A troop of stumbling suitors dull with wine, — 
Who follow with shrill halloos her flying feet. 

Dew-bright in bright-stemmed meadows, and on lawns 
Made mellow by the myriad-murmur of bees 

To where, in his cool-shadowed river-seat. 
Pan from his lute draws drowsy melodies 

For feast of dryads, and for chase of fauns. 



MILLENNIUM. 



"Behold, a miracle!'' the prophet cries: 

"At last Messiah deigns on earth to dwell!" 

The millions raise to heaven hope-quickened eyes — 
Only the stars, sad and inscrutable. 

G. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 35 

VALE, AMICE ! 
To J. H. B. 

Take these poor lines, my friend — I have naught else 

But love to give thee — that thou hast already. 

I gave it freely in a bygone hour 

When thy large heart revealed itself in words, 

When thy strong hand-clasp fixed my purpose strong, 

And in thy eyes I read a sympathy 

Deep-welling, kindly, sweet, soul-loyal, true, 

And knew that from a shattered friendship's wreck 

Stood forth a truer friend ! And now, my friend. 

That we must part, 'twere vain to waste regrets. 

And yield to tears that strive to flow afresh ; 

Thou art to do great deeds. They wait for thee. 

Sometime, perhaps, in other days to be — 

Glad, golden days of earth, or softer warmth 

Of that charmed realm hidden in the poet's heart, 

Which we two share, beyond the dreams of men, 

Our paths will meet, and mingle once again. 

I do not pray that circumstance will strew 

Thy way with roses, for thou wast not born 

To bask in blissful ease ; thine is a mould 

That doth gi'ow greater from adversity. 

From sorrow sterner, struggleth, overcomes ! 

Farewell ! May God be good to thee and thine ! 

Farewell ! Remember us as we do thee. 

A last farewell ! May the bright glow that guides 

Thee to thy home, still linger when I wake 

In that gray dawn which robs me of a friend ! 



THE SORCERESS. 



The wizardry of silver-sanded beaches, 

The sobbing of the surf among the shells. 
The Inner- Creed that none but Nature teaches — 

Wet woods, and haunted hills, and sunset dells; 
A golden glory in the sky, the bells 

Of eve, a requiem for the dying day ; 
These are her only sorceries, these the spells 

That thrall the mind, and steal the heart away. 

"ROGONELL." 



36 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 

THE ROSE. 

A king reigned in an Eastern land 
With all a king's magnificence; 
His dwelling was a palace grand, 
Where riches from many a foreign strand 

Vied each in opulence, 
And fair lawn-gardens, deep and wide. 
With flowers from far-off climes aglow, 
And oft at eve with pensive stride 
Walked there the haughty prince and sighed, 

"Ah me, why is it so 
That while my worldly goods increase 
With every summer's golden toll, 
I pine 'mid all this languorous ease. 
On every hand is naught but peace, 

But none within my soul!" 

Not far dwelt in a cottage bare 

An humble poet, poor in all 

The world holds wealth, for simple fare 

And bed were his, with one to share, 

And by the cottage wall 
A little plot where one rose grew, 
A sultry rose of attar-musk — 
A single flower whose petals blew 
Frail fragrance all the long day through. 
And night, from dusk to dusk. 

"Ah me", one day the poet said, 

"Why is it God to me hath sent 
Who hardly earns my daily bread 
Such sweet soul-solace, free from dread, 

Such full cup of content?" 
He found no answer — no one knows. 
And least the single rose apart. 
But still from dawn 'till evening's close 
It wafts in waking and repose 
Peace to the poet's heart. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 37 

A MINOR POET TO HIMSELF— A REPLY. 

What profits else, when God has put a flame 
In this poor breast that kins me with the sky, 
It doth not shine so far, nor mount so high, 
Nor so intensely burn, nor bear such name 
As those enskied with mankind's proud acclaim? 
This is an unbought gift that none can buy 
With treasuries— since thou gav'st it. Lord, shall I 
Complain that thou hast not vouchsafed me fame ? 
Yet tho' they glow no brighter, these mild gleams 
Suffice : take, merchant, thy world-wealth. Be mine 
The unfettered soul that soars above a king's, 
As high as that blind bard's, who in rapt dreams 
Saw seraph-trodden uplands, splendors shine, 
xVnd God's own glory gild archangel's wings. 



TO DON QUIXOTE. 

Rest in thy grave, thou heart of gold ; 
Thine arm is dust, thy lips are cold ; 
But deeds like thine ne'er can grow old, 
Quixote ! 

O gallant Spanish knight, though thou art dead. 
Thy memory lingers still in minds of men 
Who love the truth, and loving, dare defend. 
Would thou wert living in this sordid age. 
Which money-lust and greed for gold doth stain ; 
Where, like some foul and ever loathsome snake. 
Grim Murder rears on high his ghastly head, 
And staring Death, with face of hideous mein. 
Stalks through the streets. No more would then 
Starved children cry for bread and weeping wives 
Bewail their lot and curse Oppression's might. 
Then wouldst thou mount thy faithful steed again. 
And set thy lance in rest, O gallant knight. 
As o'er La Mancha's smiling fields thou spurr'dst 
Against the tyrants of thy little world, 
So, with closed visor and thy sheltering shield, 
With flaming sword and spear hewn from the oak, 
Wouldst thou assail the hosts of soulless greed. 



38 /V>A'J/«S -LV/> I\iIi\i(.'h\[rnS 

TTTK Ar>n()T AND ^fAlD TSIAETAN. 

The Abbot of Malmsov pnssM (liat wny. 
His soi'i}> Mas full, ami his heart was i!;ay 
As he humniM, **nirii»o nos Domino." 

His I'assoi'k-i'ord prossM a paiiiu'li roliiml: 
His I'hooks thov woiv rouiuloil ami I'ubii'iiml 
As an aj^plo (ho sumnior uochis ha\o sunn'd 

Vov (ho Abbot of Malmsoy, bo it saitl. 

Was uono c^f your snivolliuii;, sad, ill-fod. 

But frcMU buI<j,o of his oahos to orown (^f his hoatl, 

A clnwvhman nobly proportioned. 

Ris2:ht nuMiily ho (lualT'd as he rode alonji 
Of the skin that hunir by his leathern thonir, 
AVhile jin«>led the bolls of his mule, "din<v, dong." 

A slim maid there all in linooln drost : 
(The shade was pleasant, the way was west) 
The Abbi^t halted. (You kni>w the rest.) 

The .Vbbot wink'd with a roixuish leer, 

(The maid was ytMUii:;. and the maid was fair) ; 

''Prithee why lonely bidest thou here 

With all the tall lifoon trees and the tall dun deer?" 

'T wait for my lover, sir," she said, 

"Rut the day orows old, and the sun is sped." 

''A lover'? Why, sure, and I'll serve instead," 

Quoth the Abbot, as he i)lump'd down by her. 
The stmsot warnM. and a spear of (ire 
llluminocl a far oathodral sjiire 

But the Abbo( uov heeded: his monstrous i:;ir(h 

All quivered wi(h oataolysmie mirth 

As a nunmtain when laui2;hter irrips the earth. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT (JON Z ALE IS 39 

For ji man's a nian or in fj^own or douhlct, 

And the starv'd steed flies to the corn to nubble it, 

And the parch'd mouth draws to the brimming goblet, 

80 they sat, and she told him tales anon 

(She had heard), as the tales of the wood-folk run 

Of the stout Fiiar, Hobin, and Little John. 

(Now the Abbot grew bold, for his blood was high 
As th<! wine-skin shrunk), and boastingly 
Averr'd they'd rue it whom he should spy 
Their yew-bows twanging in venery. 

She lured him long with a song and a jest, 

Lips that forbade him ere they acquiesced; 

Thrice rose he, tliric(^ lingcicd, (you'd never have guess'd 

The way was long and the way was west). 

Then he lay (juit(! still by his breviary. 
And never another word spake he — 
(Alack, for potent Malvoisie), 
The Abbot of Malmst^y was drunk, you see. 

A loud snore dron'd on the evening cool, 

"St. Swithin keep the fuddled fool," 

Maid Marian laugh'd, while the milk-white mule 

Sedately jogg'd through the fronded glades, 
As though it were one of its usual trades 
To bear such winsome, witching maids 
Back to tlieir jerkin'd camarades. 

The Abbot's wallet was fat they say 
Who the story tell — be it as it may. 
The poor-purs'd yoemen bless'd the day 
That the Abbot of Malmsey pass'd that way. 

R. G. 



40 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 

THE DANCE OF THE FAIRIES. 
I. 

Somewhere in magic mystery, 

Beyond the hills, 

Are diamond dells, 
Asleep ; 
Encircled by a silver sea. 
Whose wavelets croon melodiously. 

With intonation deep. 

II. 

By day a mellow radiance spreads, 
And rosy drifts 
The woods and cliffs 
Empearl. 
A monstrous moon illumes the night, 
And sheds a tide of purple light 
Full on the drowsy world. 

HI. 

And o'er the daisy-dappled downs 
And glimmering dells 
A chorus swells 
And dies. 
And in the sheeny, scented air 
The sound of voices hymning clear 
Enraptured harmonies. 

IV. 

Behold ! there trips an elfin troop, 
And fairies come 
From out the gloom 
To dance 
Gay measures 'round their sovereign's throne. 
While sprites assemble one by one 
Along the green expanse. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 41 



Now here, now yon, they dart and run; 
They slip and slide, 
They glint and glide 
Through isles 
With ropes of roses garlanded, 
Through verdant vale and starry mead. 
Bright with Titania's smiles. 

VI. 

A pallor deepens in the East, 
A scarlet splash, 
A sunlit flash 
Across the lawn. 
The aegis of the burnished day, 
The sun, resumes its wonted sway — 
And lo — the elves are gone ! 



RESURGIT ! 



A year ago this day — ah, is it a year 

That's fled and flown with what he once held dear? 

And did he think his heart could ne'er forget 

Its bruise, nor his soul cease to yearn and fret 

For what had been? '"Twas more than he could bear." 

Wliat heart that faces memory without fear, 
What hand, knowing at last a clasp sincere, 
Soul freed from shallow bondage could regret 
A year ago? 

And if, perchance, he drops a foolish tear, 
Joy in the empty triumph that is there. 
The wound still bleeds — what balm's for it? — but yet 
Meseemeth, Time, one owes thee no mean debt, 
Unmasker, that things are not as they were 
A year ago. 



42 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 

QUATRAINS. 
I. 

Red and Gold. 

Two burnished jaguars, weary of wandering, 
Yawn on the river-sands luxuriously. 
And watch a condor on prodigious wing 
Slide cumbrously adown the painted sky. 

II. 

The Plagiarist. 

Laboriously, brow-beaded, and alone, 
iHe chips and chisels facets on a gem 
A rough-hewn poet gave his diadem. 
And hawks it in the markets as his own. 

III. 

To a Young Poet. 

Shirk not the task ; inure thyself to wait 
Unlaurelled years for Art's maturer sake; 
Some least expected day perchance thou'lt wake 
To find thy plain name household, and grown great. 

IV. 

To an Infdel. 

How shall it be with thee, who ventureth 
To stubborn reason against the true avouch 
Of God to man, when by thy hopeless couch 
A shadow stands with sullen eyes of death ! 

V. 

Birth-Bond. 

Stem virtues thrive best in stern latitudes, 
And frozen parallels that summer shuns; 
Rather I love the Southland's myriad moods, 
And tempest passions of her tiger sons. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 43 

LOVE'S RETURN. 

Since when in days agone we met, 

My life is dark and drear; 
The sullen clouds are sable shrouds; 

No ray of light comes near. 

But, like twin suns, thine eyes dispel 

The murky fog of woe ; 
And on my heart, pierced by the dart 

Of Love, they softly glow. 

Thy lips — Ah sweet, what tongue can tell 

Their wondrous healing power? 
Like bubbling streams where moonlight gleams, 

Or some rose-scented bower. 

Thy magic voice enthralls me still, 

As in the days of yore ; 
Then by thy side I'll e'er abide, 

I thank thee. Love, once more ! R. G. 



SALUT ! 

Here is our life, compact and bound as well, 
And deftly season'd with a college yell; 
Here gloom the brows of they who wore the bays. 
Here part the lips that shap'd the purple phrase, 
Here heroes that in manlier sports excel. 

O ye that ring'd with dusty traffic dwell. 
Ne'er pluck'd a rose, or dared the citadel 
Of maiden's glance, whirl'd in melodious maze, 
Here is our life. 

Be not impatient, bachelor and belle ! 
Beyond this labor'd strain lies all the spell 
Romantic of the old acquainted days — 
A fair pleasaunce, whose glad and golden ways 
These thirteen limping lines but sentinel. 

Here, is our life ! R. G. 



44 POEMS AND rARAORAPIIS 

TO FOOTBALL. 

A SONNET. 

Two wearv years thov t'hainod thoe in a evil 
In ixarl) boooiniuii' not thy liiiih dogroo; 
Far under, whore the sliout of victory 
Seoniod as an oeho of thine own death-knell. 
No more were heard the sono;s that used to swell 
From half five hundred throats so bold and fitv. 
No more arose in glad jubilanoy 
The crash of nine swift ''ralis," the ringing yell. 

Now clothed in garments to thy state more meet. 

Acclaimed by myriad devotees, art thou 

In royal power and pomp 'sconced on thy throne, 

AVith sage and senior sitting at thy feet; 

And blushing maids their wreaths before thee strow- 

For thou art come, O Football, to thine own ! 



SOMEWHERE. 



SomeAvhere there lies a garden east of Eden, 
Faint with the fragrance of Eve's prisoned breath; 
Somewhere in balmier climes love-hites are trilling. 
Somewhere one to her lover nnirnuiretli ; 
Somewhere thro" all the bounty of the bud-break. 
Each golden-Avinged throstle seeks its mate. 
The young glad spring brims bright with rout of roses. 
Here sleeping spring dreams inarticulate. 
Somewhere above the dim shrines of the Christ-child, 
God's visage shines upon his worshippers. 
Somewhere the night thrills deep with voice of angels. 
Somewhere the day is sweet, not blind with tears; 
Somewhere — ah, lonely heart that sobs in silence, 
Up, up and soar I Yearn not the star that's gone. 
Somewhere a rainbow beckons to a sunbeam, 
Somewhere bevond the shadows brealvs the dawn. 



robert elliott gonzalez 45 

mnp:mosyne. 

CompanioiuMl from the ivory halls of morn 

With unimaginabie melody, 

She stoops, and squanders on the lijjs of me 

Her tresses yellow as the tranquil corn 

That gleams through eager solstices unshorn. 

Linked with her lucid arms an urn I see, 

Where wicked I'ubieswink malignantly 

'Mid wistful roses that a queen has worn, 

Gules-shadowed like the scarlet heart of guilt. 

I read the sad assent within her eyes. 

Ah me! These petals keep my life-blood, spilt 

What time beneath hell-litten Assyrian skies 

I heard the Persians howl, "Bel-Marduk dies," 

And felt their savage daggers to the hilt! 



LEO CARTHAGINIS. 



Lion of Carthage! Who with imi)erious eye, 

Pausing a moment on the world's white dome 

Hadst sight, self -conjured of thy faithless home, 

And thy star brightening to its destiny. 

Glimpsed, too, the triremes of all Italy, 

Rich captives, cleaving the Sicilian foam, 

And thee, soon clamouring at the gates of Rome, 

While wild Maharbal's horsemen thundered by ! 

Ruler of the hearts of men, and of one birth 

With they that kept Christ ere Christ came to earth. 

Though in an unknown tomb thou liest and though 

The lays of higher poets know thee not, 

The roster of Time's noblest names can show 

Few loftier lives, no purer patriot ! 

R. G. 



46 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 

BEL. LAUGHS. 

"Come to my feast,'' the King had said, 
"Come to my feast," and thus they came, 
The city, when the day was dead. 

The priest, leaving his altar-flame. 
The harlot and the harlequin, 
The satrap, splendid in his shame. 

Thro' the great gates they enter'd in, 
Bold Vice that sway'd in violet, 
And Lust and silken-crimson 'd Sin. 

The viols mocked them as they met, 
Pauper and Prince in golden guise; 
The moon was ris'n, the feast was set. 

And I saw your low-lidded eyes 
Turn on me their still splendors, won 
From planet-lamps of Paradise. 

The feast was set, the torches shone 
LTpon the f casters and the feast — 
Dead revellers in dead Babylon. 

We know not that the gods did jest 
With us who once too oft had err'd ; 
I sought the beauty of your breast, 

Your lips, your tresses slowly stirred. 

Your ej^'es averted gave invite. 

My arms joined 'round you. So we heard 

The cry of one in sudden fright 
Far off. And then a bugle scream'd 
Horribly thro' the unheeding night. 

R. G. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 47 

THE SURF. 

Sing on, ye minstrels of the deep, 
As straight ye seek the haven shore ! 
Sing on, while in fantastic sleep 
I sink, and hear tales of the mere 
Told still from time of yore. 

Sing Neptune's court, where mermen cloy 
With revels mad, pitched high above 
Man's highest strain of earthly joy. 
Sing, mermaids fair with silvern hair — 
Sing low and sweet their love. 

Roar, ye harbingers of the storm ! 
Roar ! and let hollow shores resound 
The warning. By the hearthstone warm 
A sad wife weeps and terror creeps 
With stealthy pace around. 

Mourn, waves, once more the voiceless wreck ; 
And in that weird, wild undertone 
Wail rotten shrouds and silent deck — 
Three bleached bones lie 'mong the stones — 
Slow waves ! Low waves ! So, moan — 

Ye know the mood of rising sun, 
Of moonlight on your rippling crests, 
Of shadow-clouds that races run 
Unto the main, of silent rain, 
Of bluest dome and ships come home, 
Of everything your boundries ring — 
So sing, ye Master Lyrists, sing ! 
As from the wondrous deep ye bring 
Your ever- rich bequests. 

— B. 



48 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 

MAY SONG. 

Out in the meadow the thrushes are singing 

On the limb where the bobolink's building his nest ; 

Out in the meadow the copses are ringing — 
There the vain cardinaPs preening his crest. 

Out in the meadow the sunshine's a streaming, 
Splintering shafts at the heart of the noon ; 

Out in the meadow through gloaming are gleaming 
Silver-spun fairies that melt in the moon. 

Out in the meadow tall lilies are swinging; 

Tulips in raiment incarnadine dressed ; 
Orchids and poppies and flame-roses clinging — 

Islands of riot by zephyrs caressed. 

Out in the meadow May breezes are voicing 
Words thy lips uttered so close to my own, 

When free in the fullness of passion rejoicing 
I crowned thee my queen on a daffodil throne. 

Out in the meadow swift memories are thronging — 
Out in the meadow that dreams by the sea ; 

But, oh, in my heart there's only one longing. 

For thine eyes, for thy lips, for thy love, and for — thee ! 

— R. 



MORNING. 

[^Froin the French of Theodore de BanviTle.\ 

Come ! On thy black locks throw a hat of straw. 

The flushing mom turns all the peaks to gold, 

While yet the world awaits the clamorous hour 

That soon will clang its warning note. Behold 

The chaliced lilies by yon sloping bank, 

As nodding low, they kiss the rippling stream. 

While dimpling dawn slow" murmurs o'er the fields 

And gilds them with its red, alchemic gleam. 

And while thou smilest on the joyous scene. 

The fragrant breezes waft with balmy breath 

The scent of peach and snowy apple-buds, 

And smell of new-mown hay upon the heath. R. G. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALEZ 49 

AVALON. 

Upon a high-raised hill in Avalon, 

Four dragon sentinels with burnished scales 

Keep ward and watch, and whether the sleets and hails 

Of winter beat their caves, or in May magic the lawn. 

Like a dull emerald smitten with the dawn, 

Up brightens, guard and gleam; and still the GraiPs 

Enchaliced splendors shake over those sweet dales, 

Where, 'neatli a thick-leaved canopy unwithdrawn 

Since the old days of Vivien's sorcery. 

Sleeps Merlin in a nest of nightingales — 

Thus one clear moment — then the vision fails. 

As his, who lone on a wreck-littered lea 

Has mocking glimpse of star-mist on the sails. 

Of some great ship that lies far out to sea. 



THE SONG OF THE CAVALIER 

Oh, here's to the flagon of good red wine 

That's a balm for every sorrow. 
And here's to the pasty of venison fine. 

And here's a laugh for the morrow ! 

With my trusty sword of steel so bright, 
I care not what comes or befalls me; 

I bear it aloft in the midst of the fight. 

And Death's countenance never appalls me. 

So here's to the kiss of a winsome lass, 

Like the wind in summer sighing. 
And here's to the King, the Church and her Mass, 

And here's to true love, undying ! 



SERENADE. 

Beam, star, o'er hill-top heightening. 

Wreathe, rose, my love's high shrine, 
Gleam, star, love's sorrows lightening, 

Breathe, rose, and tell her mine; 
Star-light is changed to love-light. 

Like stars thine eyes incline. 
Ah, love, be this their love-night. 

Beam star, gleam star, bright eyes in mine ! 

R. G. 



50 POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 

GRANT ME A SONG. 

I ask not a destiny glorious, 
I wish for no wealth, nor the worth 
Of captains who march on victorious 
To uttermost ends of the earth ; 
Keep these for the leaders of legions — 
For thrones where men suppliant kneel, 
Or they who untamable regions 
Have broken with steel. 

But give me the strain to awaken 
Some hearts in the dim distant years — 
Of music no mortal has taken, 
A fabric of flame and of tears — 
No dirge of far doom and disaster, 
But hopeful and higher and strong; 
O guerdon and grant me, my Master, 
Apollo, a song! 



A CREED. 

What things are there that make the world worth wdiile? 

A cheery word, a smile. 

A song to quicken some discouraged soul; 

A hand to lift and guide toward the goal 

Another mile. 
The understanding that a brother might 
Fall stricken in the fight. 
While we untempted hold our heedless way; 
Ah ! that one word, that hand, could turn today 

His gathering night. 

What certitude have we save hopes profess? 
What beacons dispossess 

With steadier gleams Faith's rushlight in the gloom? 
Oh, friends, in this blind clay there is no room 
For bitterness. 

Just kindness goes farther than a goad. 
The idlest seeds you sowed 

Will glad your passing with their grateful flowers, 
When you behold, freed from Death's iron hours, 
The traveled road ! 



PARAGRAPHS 



There is some doubt among leading 
Republicans as to whether Colonel 
Roosevelt is an asset or a liability. 

Buckwheat is higher. In other words, 
batter up. 

"What is the name of Tom Watson's 
magazine? — Priscilla." Dear young 
lady, it is the Mutt and JeEEersonian. 

Senator Root says that Mr. Taft is 
"on the knees of the gods." The 
knees have our profound sympathy. 

A man's head is easily turned by 
three things : wealth, flattery and a 
pretty girl boarding a trolley car. 

The dowager President will be re- 
membered as the indefatigable peace- 
maker between Russia and Japan. 

A Dublin mob tried to throw some 
suffragettes into the water, but our 
dispatches do not say whether it was 
the Donnybrook. 

George Perkins says the bull moose 
party will be amply financed. Sure. 
Isn't he the dough moose? 

We shall always harbor a grudge 
against old Noah for saving the two 
flies, two mosquitoes and iwo chiggers. 

A Hoosier judge rules that a woman 
has a right to keep her husband's 
wages in her stocking. Oh, no doubt, 
if she wants to be that low. 

An American college athlete has 
broken the pole-vault record. Let Dr. 
Cook look to his laurels. 

Some day Civilization may recognize 
the fact that it can not serve King 
Law and King Mob. 

A common miss demeanor — scorn. 

We hear nothing of Samson in the 
Roosevelt ranks, but his well-known 
weapon is in daily evidence. 



Trusts are divided into bad trusts 
and TRusts. 

Charleston is South Carolina's port, 
but Columbia is her champagne. 

The great strike of the future will 
occur when the Arctic Circle strikes 

for a four-month day. 

* # * 

Ulster seems to be the English ulcer. 

Every time we read "African Game 
Trails" we are conscious of a gnawing 
regret that those carnivora didn't live 
up to their name. 

Lillian Russell married some Moore 
yesterday. 

Night swallows won't make early 
birds. 

Theodore Roosevelt is the American 
leaning tower of Pisa. 

Many are called, but few lay dovi'n 
better than two pair. 

"Theodore" means "Gift of God." 
Absolutely no comment. 

It's a wise trust that knows its own 
par. 

Colonel Roosevelt is doubtless cor- 
rect in saying his policies come from 
Lincoln. We believe that The Com- 
moner is still published there. 

They say that Roald Amundsen is 
uneducated. Well, we had rather have 
his 00 degrees than 900 university 
degrees. 

A Brooklyn man has been pro- 
nounced insane because he never heard 
of Roosevelt. We pronounce him 
merely lucky. 

Fortunately for the Martians, Col- 
onel Roosevelt doesn't live there. 
Otherwise he would have taken several 
canal zones. 



52 



POI^JMS AM) PARAGRAPHS 



No niau can bo as wise as he lodks. 
nor any woman look as wise as she is. 

Visitors to New York will be pleased 
to learn that the collection of lionian 
coins recently sold there did not 
include the Latin quarter. 

It appears that the Gulf Stream has 
changed is course. With the sanction 

of Colonel Roosevelt, we trust. 

• » # 

New York pastor says there are no 
female angels. Too bad. We were 
really looking forward to a cozy chat 

with Cleopatra and Helen of Troy. 

• • • 

Bet we knew which key in the Col- 
onel's typewriter needs repairing most. 

The favorite stone for April is the 

diamond. 

• • • 

A minister says that "hell is popu- 
lated by politicians." Evidently Sa- 
tan's life is not all beer and skittles. 

"And we shall keep Anna nigh us," 
chuckled the Colonel, on learning that 
Dr. Anna Shaw had declartxi for him. 

"Hosiery low, petticoats fluttering." 
says a woman's wear journal. Now 
that's our idea of a breezy paragraph. 

Perhaps Charlie Fairbanks would be 
more of a star if he were a little 
meteor. 

To thine own pelf be true. 

Another European nobleman weds 
an American heiress. The May flower 
Is evidently the marigold. 

A true friend will let you divide your 
last dollar with him. 

In this day of high prices. Colonel 
Goethals is one of the very, very few 
people able to make both ends meet. 

An ounce of precaution may not be 
worth a pound of cure, but it will un- 
doubttxlly prevent a peek of trouble. 

There is every reason to suppose 
that Mr. Taft, like Reno, favors the 
recall of the ring. 



With due deference to Mona IJsa's 
famous smile we must say that it looks 
to us like the acid cachinnation of a 
woman throwing off on her neighbor's 

automobile. 

• » • 

A New Yorker minister is of opinion 
that New York is as bad as Sodom. 
Those Northerners do think a Lot of 
their home towns. 

The suffragette movement has at 
least improved woman's marksman- 
ship. 

* * » 

Only clear anachronism restrains the 
assertion that Sir Philip Sidney, who 
so willingly gave his cup of water to 
the dying soldier, was a Kentuckian. 

Everybody in Mexico is either a Son 
or a Daughter of some Revolution or 

other. 

« « • 

Senator La Follette's political ward- 
robe consists mostly of Mr. Bryan's 

cast-off clothes. 

• • • 

Died, at Oyster Bay. aged 7 years : 

Will Knott Run. TRetiuiescat in pace. 

« » « 

"Beauty Secrets by Lillian Russell." 

Trust a woman to tell 'em. 

« » » 

Mother-wit is such a fine thing that 
we are continually reminded that a 
majority of after-dinner speakers were 
intellectually orphaned at birth. 

French scientist is sure that he has 
invented a process thac will prolong 
life indefinitely, but the chorus-girls 
have always been in possession of that 

secret. 

» * • 

Mr. Roosevelt declai-es he is "up to 
his ears" in work, but evidently when 
the work reached the level of his lips 

it divided and left an air-hole. 

» • « 

Marrj' in haste and repent at Reno. 

* « • 

We know now why they call him 
"the unspeakable Turk." His wives 

don't give him a chance. 

« * » 

Blood tells. In England red blood is 
telling blue blood to sit in the corner 
and be good. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES, 



53 



The principle of the recall of mar- 
riage-certificates was first enunciated 

In Reno. 

« » • 

Scratch the politician, and you often 
find the demagogue. 

We are for Roosevelt still, or as 

much as possible. 

• • • 

Nowadays in California a miss is as 

good as a mile or anything else. 

• • • 

Let the fact be noted that there are 
no laymen among the cliickens. 

But almost anybody would ratlier 

be wrong tlian Vice-President. 

« « # 

The Colonel is slightly unwell. Prob- 
ably a recurrence of that old I trouble. 

» « • 

"Turks Retreat Into Sahara." — 

Headline. Getting their deserts at last. 

• • • 

When one considers the tenacity 
with which tlie Federal pensioners 
cling to life, the wonder is that Con- 
federate bullets had effect on those 

who did not survive the war. 

• » * 

O Ananias, what clubs are organized 
in thy name ! 

» * • 

A European suffragist asserts that 
women are laws unto themselves. A 
majority of them are in addition laws 
unto their husbands. 

Time will tell, even if Theo. doesn't. 

The people who want to support Col. 
Roosevelt don't know whether to con- 
sider his attitude that of Barkis or 
Balaam. 

• « # 

The rain falls on the just and the 
unjust alike, but the unjust probably 
have a majority of the umbrellas. 

Will he be found TRue or a TRaitor? 

Some time since anything has been 
heard of the American pole-weevil, 
Dr. Cook. 

• * • 

"After announcing that he had not 
come prepared to speak, Mr. Roosevelt 
Baid ." (Four columns.) 



Mistletoe looks like poison-ivy when 

the wrong spinster's under it. 

* * « 

Public oHice is a public trust, except 
when it is a private graft. 

To her dying day Eve was convinced 
that she would have got away with 
that apple ei)isode if Adam hadn't 
peached on her. 

Probably the principal reason that 
so few people read the Congressional 
Record is that it advertises nothing 
except Congressmen. 

One of these days Mary Garden will 
startle opera-goers by appearing in a 
part that calls for foliage on the limbs. 

Kisses are legal tender under the 

mistletoe. 

# « » 

The Bank of Good Will honors all 
overdrafts. 

• « • 

A bird on the hat is worth two in 
the milliner's. 

The staff baseball fanatic offers the 
following as a partial list of the 
world's greatest men : Sisera, who was 
nailed at home; E. Payson Weston, 
who always walks; Anthony Comstock, 
who never touches a drop ; Sam Gom- 
pers, who calls 'em out on strikes; 
Henry VIII, who wasn't satisfie^l with 
a single; the Hardeeville mail-robber, 
who stole four sacks, and former 
Judge Taft, who is going back to the 
bench. 

It is a true saying that there Is 
some good in all men, but it takes a 
steam-shovel to get it out of some men, 
and the majority of us haven't time 
for the excavating. 

Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomor- 
row the Associatwl Press may begin 
to send out the names of the Russian 
generals. 

Revised proverb. No. 1 : When in 

Rome do the Romans ere they do you. 

* « « 

It is all right to have a biting wit, 
but don't exercise it at the expense 
of your friends. 



54 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



A metropolitan minister avers that 
the Smart Sot dames don't want chil- 
dren. Of course they don't ; tlie little 
imps would he always stealinj; their 
cigarettes. 

Any community can mend its ways 
with the split-log drag. 

The receptive candidate is often a 

deceptive candidate also. 

* * * 

Dr. Anna Shaw says that some day 
women will till men's shoes. Chicago 
women do it now. 

A California patient fatally stabbed 
himself on the operating table. Prob- 
ably was in a hurry. 

Would it be proper to speak of the 
money the new Mikado distributeil 
among the poor on his accession as 
reign-checks? 

* » * 

The female aviators just can't break 
themselves of the habit of promising 
to be down in five minutes. 

And now we have the claim that 
tobacco was known to the ancients. 

This explains the pipes of Pan. 

» » » 

Some people auto that autnoto. 

Speaking of the stage, what the pub- 
lic demands is the squeeze play. 

People get sick in Kentucky, but not 
with water on the brain. 

Late returns: Clubmen. 

Coming down to brass tacks, exces- 
sive prudery is as bad as pruriency. 
There are the sculptured fig-leaves and 
the dash after the "h." 

Now that a watch has been removed 
from a man's skull, the origin of the 
phrase, "Time out of mind," may have 
been discovered. 

"We suppose that in describing dis- 
tances London suffragettes use the 

phrase, "A stone's throw." 
* * » 
"Taft Objects to Riders." headlines 
a Washington contemporary, reporting 
a bill. Especially rough ones. 



Suing her husband, who is a book- 
keeper, for divorce, a Kansas woman 
calls him a "snake." An adder, no 
doubt. 

Headline in Chicago Tribune: 
"When Democrats Get Together." If 
they have any sense, the spectators get 
under the table. 

Nearly everybcxly has his idea of the 
prettiest sight in the world, but to our 
mind thei'e is nothing prettier than a 
couple of tots with arms around their 
white-haired grandmother. 

The beef trust, we presume, stands 
at Arnn)urgeildon. 

Chicago news item : "As I^everidge 
rose, the delegates sang the 'Bottle 
Hymn of the Republic' " 

We call women the weaker sex until 
they become militant suffs and learn 
how to curve rocks. 

Oh, say, can you see by the dawn's 
early light the spots where the 'skeeters 
all nipped you last night? 

Let's change the national motto to 
ME Pluribus Unum ! 

One of the recent threnodies on the 
Titanic contains this line: "Thei*e are 
no icebergs in heaven." T'other place, 
either. 

Almost anybody would be rather be 
right than Vice-President. 

Woodrow Wilson is less a Candidate 
than a Cause. 

The night has a thousand eyes, and 
so has any one of T. R.'s speeches. 

In the South, African game trails 
usually lead away from the hen roost. 

Some folks are beginning to love the 
Colonel for the Democrats he has 
made. 

Put on your hat, Mr. Debs. Mary 
Garden was pinched for less than that. 

But Teddy has always favored the 
re<'all of precedents. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES. 



55 



When you come down to it, fishing 
is pretty much of a hook worm occu- 
pation. 

* « « 

Mr. Gompers is one man who knows 

how to make capital out of labor. 

« » « 

T. R. is the only living ex-Vlce- 
President who is not a dead one. 

Meantime, amid the wreck of matter 
and the crush of worlds, Chairman 
Norman Excelsior Mack stands out as 
the 24-carat, ne plus ultra. Great Dem- 
ocratic Optimist. If the Baltimore 
Convention nominated Jim Ham Lewis 
for President, Norman would be out 
around November the first with a little 
table proving that Jim Ham would be 
elected by at least eight million plu- 
rality. Norman E. is a first-class 
Democrat, all the same, and it is a 
matter of pride that the Champion 
Claimer of Creation is of our own 

political persuasion. 

» • • 

The Men and Religion Forward 
Movement is given a set-back every 
time Uncle Joe Cannon opens his 
mouth. 

We now understand why Odysseus 
stuffed his ears with cotton. The 
Sirens were singing the Missouri houn' 

dawg song. 

* * « 

The Colonel's henchmen seem to 
think our globe would crack and split, 
the oceans in their beds would shrink, 
the sun would throw a fit if Roosevelt's 
not the President — that everything 
would end, and skies with red, raw 
lightnings rent some ghastly doom por- 
tend. But we can hear with honest 
mirth their dire predictions flame, for 
we know that the same old earth 

would roll on just the same. 

« » * 

We are surprised that prominent 
Italians are protesting against the 
erection of a statue to Dante in New 
York, considering the free advertising 
he gave that city in his book. 

Washington was the father of his 
country, but it is generally understood 
that Colonel Roosevelt acted as family 
physician at the interesting event. 



But for the fact of his having access 
to Mr. Bryan's political wardrobe, Col- 
onel Roosevelt would have long ago 
been arrested by Anthony Comstock's 
minions. 

The Norfolk Virginian-Pilot says 
that a certain statement of Woodrow 
Wilson's "is obviously catalectic." It 

rather impressed us as being dogmatic. 

« * * 

"Roosevelt," says his running mate, 
"is the greatest two-handed fighter this 
country ever saw." But according 
to our recollection, when Mr. Harri- 
man last saw his two hands they were 
not clenched. 

A Philadelphia pastor complains that 
too few people know the national 
hymn. Well, it's their own fault — his 
pictures have been in the papers 
enough. 

"Ingalls' sonnet on opportunity is 
Colonel Roosevelt's favorite poem," 
says the Birmingham Age-Herald. As 
a matter of fact, Ingalls' poem is no 
more of a sonnet than it is a triplet 
or a rondeau ; and what the New York 
Sun would do to the esteemed Colonel 
if he called it a sonnet would be much. 

The great secret of Colonel Roose- 
velt's popularity is that he can use the 
first person singular ninety times in a 
speech and make the people believe it 
is the first person plural. 

« » ♦ 

We might put up with Colonel Roose- 
velt as the second father of his coun- 
try, but it is too much when he also 
wants to be his country's grandmother, 
favorite wife, mother-in-law, maiden 
aunt and co-respondent. 

And still we gaze, and still the won- 
der grows that one small mouth can 
utter all he knows. 

Man was made from the dust of the 
ground, but in some men the sand was 
omitted. 

New York .society woman who 
divorced three husbands is to marry 
again. We wish for her a safe and 
sane fourth. 



56 



POF.VS AXn PARAGRAPHS 



Fools sit in whoro wise luoii foar to 
draw. 

Chioago damsel of TiU wt\ls a youth 
of 17. Another boycott. 

If Adam could have foreseen suf- 
frai;ettes. he wouldn't have partai with 
that rib without a struggle. 

What we like about the Ananias 
Club is its business-like administration. 
Not a single member is creiiiteil. 

However, keynote spetvhes are un- 
availtible in a deadlock. 

It is considerably easier to be a l>em- 

oorat than to define one. 

* * * 

li won't be a "White House much 
longer if the Colonel's mud holds out. 

Roosevelt out, trying to steal third. 

The XVIth coustitiitioual ameud- 
meut : T. K. 

Col. Watterson calls Col. Roosevelt 
"a hell-roarLng horse." Is it possible 
that Col. W. dislikes Col. R.'? 

* * « 

Hell hath no fury like a Tarheel 
tubbed. 

And, as con<.'erns March. Hon. Wood- 
row Wilson is for a safe and sane 
Fourth. 

"There are two branches of the Re- 
publican party," says an exchange. 
But neither of them is an olive branch. 

A T. R. speech in a nutshell : "I">on't 
cheer, boys: the pix^r devils are lying." 

Many a good man. Colonel, has dieii 
trying to stretch a double into a three- 
saoker. 

The trouble with campaign claims is 
that they can't be staktHl. 

A Harvard professor says that Jez- 
ebel, of scriptural notoriety, was an 
excellent cook. She is doubtless warm- 
ing over something this minute. 

One swallow doesn't make a simi- 
mer, but three or four often bring 
about a fall. 



It must be annoying for Colonel 
Roosevelt to retlect that Adam was the 
first man. 

However, when Germany is broke 
she can always hock der Kaiser. 

Nightcaps are all right when they 
are dry-goods. 

The average citizen long ago learned 
from friend wife and her maternal 

relative that the two-thirds rule goes. 

* • * 

A historical writer claims that 
l>iogenes was thin-faced. Lantern- 
jawed no doubt. 

I'rayer of the paragraphers : "Ciive 
us this day our daily Ted." 

We trust that Lillian Russell's fourtk 
will prove safe and sane. 

Love ME. love my moose. 

Man proposes. Burns ex^x^ses. 

Colonel Roosevelt declares that he 
got his policies from Lincoln. So he 
did — from Linct.>ln. Nebraska. 

The Memphis Commercial Appeal 
persists in writing Pittsburgh without 
the "h." One might as well omit the 
"h" in Hades. 

In Bristol. Virginia, a lawyer struck 
another a hard blow on the head with 
his list, doubtless creating another 

legal knot. 

• • • 

A fashion authority says that tight 
skirts are a blessing in disguise. Most 
of us regard the disguise as perfect. 

Cupid owns the biggest pressing club 
in the world. 

The average suffragette thinks that 
if her hat-pin punctures a man's eye. 
the man ought to apologize. 

T. R. has made a speev'h in a phon- 
ograph reoin-d. Pouble-faceil. for a 
plugged nickel. 

Sorrow is about the only thing that 
can be drowned without the presence 
of water. 



ROnERT ELLIOTT GONZALEI^ 



57 



Koine itc((])l(!'s Idea of a s(niare deal 
Is a (li>iil)l(> (leal. 

"Ludy (iodlva" having been made 
Into an oiK?ra, wo lake real plcasiiic 
In nominal JMK Mary (Jardcn for \\n'. 
tide n.lo. 

An ace in the hand is wortli two in 
the deck. 

Uovernor Harmon's inanaKors dnb 
iilm "the orlj;lnal trnst-l)usler." lit; 
seoms to luive l)Usted Mr. IJryan's, all 
riKlit. 

lOdison Hays tliat woman won't be 
tlu' ('(lual of man for .'{,000 years. We 
rej^ret that the process of revision 
downward will bo so slow. 

Senator Dixon and the Kevorend 
Tliomas of llio name are said to \h\ 
related and to liave been born in North 
<'ai()lina only a few stills apart. 

Probably the two rarest IhinKS In 
this world are an Italian tenor who 
Isn't concoifcMl and a split inlinitivo 
In the New Ycn-k lOvenin^; Tost. 

An lieiress-hnntinK foreif^n nobleman, 
who tried to land in this eonntry, will 
be sent home. This is lirst-rate de- 
portment. 

T. R.'s nuirriaKo to Miss Columbia in 
1J)()1 seems to have Iteen mor;;anatic. 

The Old Dutch ('leanser was .seven 
years in the White Ilou.se and never 
"touched" anythinj; dirty except the 
trusts. 

(Jortrude Atherton calls T. R. "a 
communicable disease." It isn't lock- 
jaw, however. 

As the protected Interests see It, a 
thiuK of duty is a joy forever. 

A Roosevelt speech is a lar>;e body 
of \inn onlirely surrounded by liars. 

The Rritisb royal family has talcen 
enthusiastically to jjolf, l»ut it was al- 
ways partial to afternoon tees. 
« # » 

"Know all men by these presents" is 
what brides <lo. 



TIk; hnniiin rac(! is descended fronj 
Adam, l)ut the Kun'raKo(t(!s make us 
suspect that Jezebel was his second 

Wlf(». 

Man Is KoiuK to revert to the f/;orllla 
type, says a London scientist. That 
certainly se(!ms lof^ical unless woman 
(piils making a monkey out of him. 

Si)e;ikiMj^ of (!verylliin;^ advancing 
Ibis year, even toiiclidowns now count 
<i instead of r>. 

If tlic meek shall lidierit the earth, 
the Colonel will have to do somel)ody's 
chores. 

A physician conipl.iins that married 
men driid< to(» mucli liquor. Sure. 
What els(! are jx))) bottles for? 

('olonol Ivoosov(?It says ho doesn't 
want to bo kin;^, but I'erkins keeps on 
slRninK reifrn-cliecks just the same. 

While boosting the prices of food- 
stuffs, the trusts have at least «(Mior- 
ously left food for thouf,'ht wliere It 
was. 

News from Nicara^'ua is to the of- 
fe<;t that the rebel army may be forc(>() 
to (capitulate, the private havinf? pone 
home. 

The Italians have coins called lire. 
Maybe if the ('olonol is elected ho will 
incorporate thoni into our currency. 

When (!ol. Roosevelt reads the New 
York i)apers he doubtless agrees with 
the poet that the World is too much 
with us. 

Wood row Wilson is one Southerner 

the Yankees made run. 

* « « 

Mary had a little Iamb. Rut that 
was before the hi^h cost of living. 

"Roo.scvelt a Witness." — Headline. 
An "I" witness. 

Probably an operatic sinfj;er is called 
a diva because she is always in the 
swim. 

"Women's Hose One-Half OIT."— Ad- 
vertisement. Sh-h-h-h ! 



58 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



While Wilson and Marshall are the 
flower of Democracy neither claims 
to he an American Beauty. 

Woodrow Wilson is not a lawyer, 
and possesses many other positive vir- 
tues. 

George Washington never told a lie, 
but that is because he never ran 
against Roosevelt for anything. 

The Bulgarian army is evidently on 
the eve of a battle. The dispatches 
say it has occupied Adam. 

One muff cost the Giants $29,514. 
This should make leading furriers 
green with jealousy. 

Kier Hardie says that from the ear- 
liest times men hid behind women's 
skirts. Well, it's a safe bet Adam 
didn't. 

We are no stickler for realism, but 
we do wish when the moving-picture 
companies show the Fall of Babylon 
they wouldn't make the telegraph poles 
so conspicuous. 

The sulfragettes who are swearing 
to wear no gowns until they can vote, 
presumably do not expect to do their 
Christmas shopping in person. 

A Mobile woman who loved her pipe 
has died at the age of 104. There's 
nothing to it ; that horrible nicotine 
will get us some time. 



"Married At Sea," 
Another bell buoy. 



?oes a headline. 



Somehow, there is never short meas- 
ure about a peck of trouble. 

If the Colonel were not a bull moose 
one suspects that he would be a mud 
horse. 

Let us eat, drink, and be merry, for 
tomorrow the press association may 
give out the names of the Bulgarian 
generals. 

A man can't habitually paint the 
town red without getting some of it on 
his nose. 



Sir Tom Lipton seems to have the 
advertising art down to a T. 

Our information is that the recent 
parade of the Holy Name societies in 
Pittsburgh, was not graced by the pres- 
ence of the Hon. Joseph Guerney Can- 
non. 

When a rich girl gets married they 
call it "nuptials." 

When aviators fall out, honest sex- 
tons come into their own. 

Blessed are the candidates, for they 
shall inherit the headlines. 

Every Columbia girl would be a 
daisy if she weren't a columbme. 

A man will always have plenty of 
friends as long as he's not short. 

At any rate, Mr. Taft will have left 
a huge footprint on the sands of time. 

Some men are born liars ; some 
achieve liarhood ; and some attempt to 
quote Colonel Roosevelt. 

Perhaps a battleship is called "she" 
because it takes a couple of years to 
get ready. 

If the Garden of Eden is at the 
North Pole, as Dr. Cook declai'es, we 
rise to nominate T. Roosevelt for the 
position of Adam. 

Some of the Colonel's Western 
speeches occupied two hours in passing 
a given point. 

Amazing headline in a Washington 
contemporary : "Theodore R. Taft Ar- 
rested .for Speeding." 

T. R. says the trust magnates ought 
to have their heads shaved. Now, 
don't be thunderstruck ; we mean T. 
R. Marshall. 

"Mary Garden in Huff." — Headline. 
Thank heaven for that much ! 

He stands at Armageddon and he 
sends the trusts to smash by the very 
simple method of expending all their 
cash. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



59 



The political menagerie : The G. O. 
P. — the Elephant ; Tammany — the 
Tiger ; Democracy — the Donkey ; T. R. 
— the Bull Moose ; the Consumer — the 
Goat. 

A Woman Never Cancels Her Speak- 
ing Dates. 

The Psalmist said in his haste that 
all men are liars. No wonder T. R. 
thinks it impossible to improve on the 
Bible. 

A Hearst editorial on WiLson's 
"Sober Democracy" rather inconsis- 
tently winds up with "Wilson sits 
tight." 

Chicago heiresses may not stand at 
Armageddon, but they certainly battle 
for a Lord. 

The worst to be said of the Sultan 
is that he is a harem-scarum sort of 
fellow. 

Eugenics is all very well, but the 
best guarantee for happy marriages is 
more Cupid and less cupidity. 

Nicaragua's treasury is said to be 
empty. Then why expect her to settle 
down if slie can't settle up? 

The spirit of '76 yet survives. A 
Kentuckian claims to have kept a bot- 
tle of whiskey for .36 years. 

The Prohibition candidate for Presi- 
dent denounces prize fights. Probably 
hates to see the claret flow. 



Somewhere beyond 
breaks the dawn. 



the shadows 



As we understand it, the only trust 
T. R. ever smashed was Mr. Taft's. 

Colonel Roosevelt reiterates that a 
Progressive is "a man who works with 
his face toward the light." And with 
the limelight toward his face. 

The most fearsome individual on 
earth is the man behind the dun. 

In other words. Dr. Eliot lays away 
the Colonel on his five-foot shelf. 



And we suppose that it is proper to 
refer to the Roosevelt naps as bull- 
dozes. 

A college professor advances the sur- 
mise that the Pharaohs had the hook- 
worm. Well, the Red Sea certainly 
cured one case. 

The elephant and the donkey seem 
to be trying to make the bull moose 
the goat. 

Some criminal lawyers are literally 
that. 

Beware of the politician who at- 
tempts to make capital out of labor. 

We shrewdly suspect that what 
Woodrow Wilson meant by "men of the 
meaner sort" was umpires. 

"Roosevelt To Be Heard," headlines 
in a Philadelphia exchange. This is in- 
deed a year of innovation and prece- 
dent smashing. 

Ill fares the land by hastening ills 
accursed, where mint accumulates and 
there's no thirst. 

The call of the bull moose is more 
frequent in Maine than his recall in 
California. 

Revolution in Nicaragua is led by 
General Mena, and in this country by 
Colonel Me. 

Many a June bride has discovered 
by this time that her spouse's halo was 
rubbed up for the occasion. 

We suppose that "We Don't Go 
Home Until Morning," may be termed 
the Bottle Hymn of the Republic. 

They do say that at the first men- 
tion of ratification in the Senate, the 
women spectators hoisted their skirts 
and surged out. 

It is simply impossible to compre- 
hend the turmoil into which this coun- 
try would be plunged if Theodore 
Roosevelt had been born triplets. 

T. R. is tranquility's army worm. 



60 



rohws A\n rAh\i(rii\[pns 



Moxliv's principal prodiu't would ap- 
pear to bo oUili (.'ou caruai;o. 

Ouo broath of scandal makes the 
whi>le world eliiu. 

Now that the baseball season is 
nearly over, the bull moose becomes 
the national pune. 

After a man is enj^aged his vocation 
bivomes a call in;;. 

There may be a telephone trust, but 
it is not m the operator. 

"Cl^irs are now all the rn.ce amoni; 
Chieaj:;o sutfrasottes." remarks an e\- 
ehanije. Woman's putYraiie. so to 

speak. 

• • • 

And Boise. Idaho, hastens to explain 
that its name was not derived from 
any Senator now in the public eye. 

Anyhow, it cannot be claimed that 
Senator Penrose was not true to his 
trust. 

'I'he katydid is the Hearst of the in- 
sivt world. 

One way to eliminate the costinne 
expense at a masked ball is to go as 
Mary Oarden. 

We would give a dollar and ei.irht 
cents for a glimpse of the stubs in Mr. 

rerkins' check book. 

"If all the sea were U»k." specula- 
tively begins the Boston Transcript. 

Never mind : Oyster Bay is. 

* • • 

"Votes for women?" Many a sorry 
vagabond has been eUvted to ottice on 
a«.vount of his wife. 

Of course the dollar in politics has 
no use for "the Scholar in rolitics." 

Love at tirst sight often leads into a 
blind alley. 

By the way. the cotton belt never 
breaks. 

These nuuidy roads bring out the 
unpleasant truth that some of our 
sroddesses have clay feet. 



The man who said. "United we stand, 
divided we fall," did not get his wis- 
dom from contenvplation ot" the "hob- 
ble" or the "harem." 

"Spanish Pretender Again Active." — 
lleailUne. The bourbonlc plague! 

It Is getting time for Bernard pshaw 
to ileliver himself of some further 
freak observations. 

ArconUiKj to (D. Cupid'.t) Jloi/lc. 
To catch a queen in the game of 
hearts, lead a diamond. 

Picked up a very tolerable lastline on 
the street this a. m. : 

"CJeewhizaintithot I" 

Oddly enough, symptoms of insanity 
rarely develoi> in a n\urderer uutU 
after a consultation with his lawyer. 

This age will be put down in history 
as the American Kenossance. 

<.>ne touch of winter makes the coal 
world grin. 

All the world's a stage, and Theo- 
dore is the harUHpiin. 

"Divorce Fi-ees Sylva." — Headline. 
Bet the Judge was a Bryanite. 

THEOPOI.ATRY. n— Inordinate ad- 
miration of Theodore: the homage of 
TheiHlorers, a sei't in the Western 
United States. See CU^VEBNOU. 

Fortunately for the Chinese Kepnb- 

llc, it has no Mexican bovmdary. 

• * • 

An Oregon man killed 275 snakes in 
one day. An Ore.sronian. mind you, not 
a Kentuckian. 

Around Christmas a married woman 
acts more like a sovereign State than 
a conquered provii\ce. 

King CevM-ge's spetvh from the 
throne is described as "colorless." but 
it was doubtless read in Britain. 

.V UtHkofeller feclim: makes some 
judges wondrous blind. 

The lyuehhig season is in full swing. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



61 



Even the French can't call the 
Kaiser's "JMeiiiseir uiul (Jolt' couiltiiia- 
tion an "nnholy alliance." 

Whenever a I<]uroi)ean artist j^ets 
hard up he paints a Itenibrandt and 
sells it to an American billionaire. 

Aviation is said to be conducive to 
sinijUe virtues. It certainly promotes 
I)lane liviufj: and liijj;li thinlcinj;. 

Noah was on the water-wauon for 
forty days. This is cited merely to 
show that it can be done. 

The bubble profanity is most often 
observed at the Cannon's mouth since 
Champ was elected Speaker. 

"Whiskers must go," declares Dr. 

Wiley. They do — into mattresses. 

tt « * 
Aviation presents a strong attrac- 
tion to women, there being so many 

air-pockets one can go through. 
« « » 
The Solid South can't be melted with 
the IJig Smile or broken with the Big 
Stick. 

The beauty about being (Jeorge V is 
that he doesn't have to spend a X of 
his own. 

An lOcuadorian mob decapitated, 
shot and burned a general who was 
called "the idol of Ecuador." We 
sliould hate to be an idol in that geo- 
graphical expression. 

* V ■* 

"Can the Crand Old Party come 
back?" asks an exchange. If the refer- 
ence Is to Sarah Harnhardt, she can 
and will. 

"Cherchez la fenime," says the old 
saw. Easy, with latter day styles, to 
find the femme. The big problem is to 

find her clothes. 

* » # 

Ordinary men should be measured 
from head to foot ; waiters, bellboys 
and I'ullman porters, from tip to tip. 

Tiady Godlva had just finished her 
ride through Coventry. 

"Oidy one man peeped ; but suppose 
I had worn a silhouette gown !" she 
chuckled. 



The female of the species plays havoc 
with the specie of the male. 

"Possibly this archaeologist who says 
baseball Is 3,500 years old was merely 
alluding facetiously to Cain's hit-and- 
run play and the prodigal son's home 
run." — The State. "No ; he undoubted- 
ly referred to Abraham's sacrilice hit, 
and to Noah, who went out on a lly."— 
Aslieville Citizen. On second thought, 
we imagine his allusion was to Adam's 
side out, and the time Jael nailed Slsera 
at home. 

Begin to give the devil his due, and 
as a general thing you'll end up by 

swapping tobacco with him. 

tt « « 

This Illinois man who did the family 
washing while ills wife voted, was 
pi'obably some poor scrub. 

Nat Goodwin has taken up golf, and 
we suppose when some one cries 
"Fore!" Nat shouts in reply: "Wi'ong, 
old chap, Five!" 

During April 37 sets of twins were 
born in Texas, a baby naturally fear- 
ing to strike that State alone. 

The Intelligence that the Colonel 
rarely takes anything will come as a 

rude surprise to Colombia. 

» » # 

"What Is so rare as a knight in 
June?" chuckled J. M. Barrio, as he 
scanned King (Jeorge's list of birthday 
honors. 

« « « 

Our observation has been that there 
Is no coign of vantage like the double- 
eagle. 

Y. Yamaguchi says Japan wants no 
war. A word to the Y's : Neither do 
we. 

Another reason Woodrow Wilson 
puzzles the politicians is that his 
friendship Is not of the "shake-well- 
after-using" variety. 

Veterans will (ind living cheap at 
the (Jettysburg reunion, there being no 

Pickett's charge this year. 
# # » 
Man proposes, woman exposes. 



C2 



POEMS AXD PA!?A(?RAPnS 



A Spanish Cabinet, at any rate, in- 
variably boavs its troubles with resig- 
nation. 

A real use for poetical feet has been 
diseovered. Le Callienne says he has 

walked '250 miles through Frauee. 

* « • 

Nor was the rural newspaper half 
wrons:. which with an eye on the hob- 
ble, spoke of "the lloppy bride." 

Any Ensilish squire : "Oh sye. can 
you see by the dawn's hearly liixlit. if 
my 'ouse is still there where I left it 
lawst night?" 

It seems impossible for The Com- 
moner and The Army and Navy Jour- 
nal to pull in harness on a peace plan. 

A North Carolinian named O. Dam- 
mit wants his name chan;j;ed, but prob- 
ably not half as badly as Helen 
Blazes. 

The Boston Transcript is becoming 
so wroth with the administration that 
we look — every day now to see where 
it has split an intinitive in its tem- 
pestuous fury. 

It sounds paradoxical, but the crust- 
iest Democrat is the one who got no 
pic. 

Certie Hoffman, next to Col. Mary 
Carden, the greatest living exponent 
of the skin game, is in our midst to- 
morrow night. (Adv.) 

* * « 

When .« man dei'ides to forgive his 
enemies ue generally begins with those 
he knows he can't lick. 

A modest glimpse at the picture of 
the trousers a prominent New York 
suff is now wearing convinces us that 
they are breeches of promise. 

» « * 

There is less joy on earth when 
ninety-nine sinners repent than when 
one ice man sees the error of his 

weighs. 

» * * 

The Hand of Trovidence is what we 
see in the Misfortiuies of Cithers. 
When we are Unlucky it's the Devil's 
Work. 



Every woman that knows a secret is 
a Daughter of the Kevelatiou. 

Of course there's no race suicide In 
the far East. That's where the pop- 
pies and the mummies come from. 

The will of a New York corset man- 
ufacturer. re<.'ently deceased, shows 
that he squeezed ^4()5,tK)0 out of the 
people. 

The dominant instruments in that 
European concert seem to be the loot 
and the lyre. 

The slit skirt reveals more fatted 
calves than the prodigal son ever saw. 

We see by the papers that New York 
chorus girls are kicking for more 

money. 

• • • 

It's hard to put the go in tango, 
there being so much tang in it. 

Despite these protests against the 
lashing of convicts. Delaware still 
holds the whip hand. 

The way of the transgressor is well- 
travelled. 

A lot of married men talk in their 
sleep, as it's their only chance. 

Mr. Bryan cares not who spikes the 
drinks of a nation, if only he may 
spike its guns. 

An English autlu>r advises women to 
take T.ady Codiva as their model. H'm. 
Casual inspection of current feminine 
costumes would indicate that the dear 
creatures have already done it. 

"President Wilson is a careful 
dresser." says a Washington corre- 
spondent, which settles the question as 
to the kind of wood in Woodrow. It is 
obviously sprm-e. 

Divorcing the currency from politics 
is all right, providing the public does 
not have to pay the alimony. 

(^ne assumes that Mr. Ceorge W. 
Perkins's favorite among current tic^ 
tion is "The Harvester." 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



63 



A $10,000 prize is oflVrod for a 
"clean opera." IIow about II SapolioV 

In Uio matter of jiettinjj; lired, the 
loaded ,unn has uolhiiiix on (he h)a(hHl 
employe. 

If only Dame Fortune would come 
in person, instead of sending her 
daughter. Miss Fortune! 

Miss Si'oville of Kan.sas has married 
Walter DeMunnu. Here's hoping she 

won't find him one of the brut type. 

* « « 

Discovery that Plutarch wrote about 
the slit skirt is certain touijh on the 
already overworked librarians. 

Turkey (sotto voce) : "How these 
Christians love one another !" 

It besins to look as if Turkey may 
got back a drum-stick. 

Speaking of forward-lookini; men, 
Smollett once wrote about "ridicidous 
modes, invented by ignorance and 
adopted by folly." 

Secretary Daniels is said to be a 
close student of the Bible. Possibly he 
got his theories of handling old salts 
from the story of Lot's wife. 

In algebra and the average pocket- 
book, X represents an unknown quan- 
tity. 

There were evidently no Bryanites 
on the Brookl.^■n jury that awarded a 
man $7,500 for the loss of three lin- 
gers. 

"Lost — gray enamelled lady's watch." 
—Adv. in the New York Herald. Here's 
hoping the gray enameled lady finds it. 

It was once necessary to wait until 
winter to see bare limbs, but the 
fashion-makers have changed all that. 

Can some one tell us why in the dic- 
tionaries, "Marry" is always followed 
immediately by "Mars?" 

Mr. Hearst is against the banana 
tax, doubtless on the ground that the 
yellows should stand together in a 
crisis. 



New York's idea of elevating the 
stage would appear to be putting it in 
the roof gardens. 

tt « « 

"Too many swallows make a lark," 
observes the Philadelphia Record. 
Likewise a bat. 

« « « 

Crying needs — handkerchiefs. 

* • * 

The best job an original Wilson man 
has yet landed is Woodrow's. 

One sure way to get rid of the blues 

is to stand pat on deuces. 
« « * 
Isn't It queer that whenever Cupid's 

arrows hit they make Mrs? 

* * « 

We don't mind cotton operators grin- 
ning at the price — but not bearing it. 

Mr. Bryan's family tree must be a 
date. 

A friend in need will keep you broke. 

Art is long, but artists are generally 
short. 

If ragtime will soon die out, as this 
college professor asserts, here's hoping 
it will be a horrible death. 

At any rate, the suffragettes have 
not yet demanded that the things be 
called majamas. 

Our notion of the highest pitch of 
efficiency is Walter Johnson. 

After all, the real director of the 
census is the stork. 

"Ambassadorship" is a noun that's 
often decllnetl these days. 

Success never turns a man's head 
half as quickly as a slit skirt. 

Yes, Geraldine, there is a ship of 
state, and The Congressional Record is 
a bunk. 

If there's anything in a name. Sec- 
retary Bryan's favorite poet probably 
is Dryden. 

It seems hard for President Mellen 
to recognize that recklessness never 
yet produced w recklessness. 



64 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Mexico can stand a loan, all right, 

but wbethei- alone remains to be seen. 

* « * 

Side-shows — slit skirts. 

The United Sweats of America ! 

A gas bill is nothing to make light of. 

The pastor who calls John D. a rose 
bush is a nature-faker. No rose bush 
lives in clover. 

Mrs. Stuyvesant Fish is to give a 
"fairy-tale ball" at Newport. Some- 
body should go as a campaign promise. 

It is all right to be treated for the 
liquor habit. But that's how a lot of 
men acquired it. 

Woman's sphere in London is the 
bomb. 

Touch and go — bill collectors. 

The designer of the Lincoln penny 
has married. We always thought that 
there was something coming to him. 

Peace, crushed to earth, will rise 
again. 

The merry wives of Windsor are not 
so merry now that Queen Mary has 
forbidden gambling at bridge there. 

Appointing authors to diplomatic 
posts is no new idea, although para- 
doxically it's a novel one. 

George Perkins says campaign funds 
are a disgrace, but where w^ould the 
bull moosers be without bucks and 
doe? 

"A mist is as good as a mile," 
chuckled the German admiral, as he 
ordered his squadron out for another 
raid. 

London rejoices to observe that the 
men higher up are lying low. 

Still, we trust our blue law friends 
won't want to prohibit the playing of 
billiards, just because the balls kiss. 

Onward, Christiaii-Mohammedan- 

Buddhist-Shinto-Brahmin soldiers ! 



Germany got the ball to the five- 
yard line, but apparently can't put it 
over. 

Give the Turk some credit. He 
hasn't announced that Allah is on his 
side. 

We suppose the triumphant suffs 
will soon insist that all prayers end 
with "Awomen." 

How does the Colonel reconcile his 
martial spirit with his hatred of race 

suicide? 

« « « 

The Crown Prince's mortal illness 
seems to have been one of those 
Charles W. Morse affairs. 

The way of the transgressor seems 
to lead through Belgium. 

The Indian army is fighting so 
splendidly in Europe that there is 
grave apprehension that the fact can't 
be kept from Poet Rabindranath Ta- 
gore much longer. 



October — Roosevelt 
York. 

November — New York 
Roosevelt. 



stumped New 
stumped 



Should England be driven to making 
peace overtures, we nominate the Duke 
of Fife for the job. 

Wilhelm's revision : "Vox populi, 
vox Mei." 

Turkey's reason for going to war is 
simple. The Crescent wants to be in- 
crescent. 

Why doesn't this German General 
Zedlitz issue a blue and white paper? 

German soldiers pay for supplies 
they take. They aren't I. O. Uhlans. 

Tuft's new President is Dr. Bumpus, 
and the undergraduates must think it's 
a mighty ominous name. 

The way Connecticut voted, you'd 
never think Baldwin was once the ap- 
ple of its eye. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



65 



John Bull can appreciate now how 

old Damocles felt. 

# # * 

Thank goodness, Turkey has no poet 
laureate ! 

The Editor's Mail. 

A thunderous missive demanding 
that the proper authorities double- 
track Blank street at once. 

Three anonymous communications, 
inviting him to visit the haunt of the 
justly celebrated tallow cat and as- 
bestos rat. 

About 10,000 words showing con- 
clusively that the Americans are di- 
rectly descended from that lost tribe 
of Israel. 

Letter from a prohibitionist de- 
nouncing a facetious paragraph about 
prohibition. 

Letter from a red-nosed brother 
furiously commending it. 

Three-column screed recounting the 
amazing virtues of hot water taken 
internally. 

Two-column gem, proving beyond all 
peradventure that the hot spell is 
really the result of cutting the Pana- 
ma Canal. 

Request to give the population of 
Kokomo, Ind., in his valuable paper. 

Request to know what Ty Cobb 
batted last year. 

Vehement attack on the esteemed 
cops for permitting auto speeding. 

Short note asking if it is pronounced 
Werta or Huretter. 

Uncle Sam points with pride to the 
fact that he has two Red rivers, but 
no red rivers. 

Paris appears to have cut off the sup- 
ply of imported wrappers, but, oh, you 
domestic fillers ! 

The government seems to intend to 
make it as hard to dodge a tax as a 
taxi. 

Naturally, Representative Good 
voted for the prohibition amendment, 
but we are rather surprised to find 
Messrs. Church and Sabath against it. 



CHRISTMAS, 1914. 



MERRY CHRISTMAS! 

To all and sundry. 

To our noble selves. 

To old Santa, God bless him ! 

To King Hog and ex-King Cotton. 

To all little children and all grown- 
up children. 

To Albert, of the Belgians, every 
inch a king. 

To the Rev. Sam Creech, late of 
Possumville, S. C. 

To Richard Irvine Manning and all 
the Manning line. 

To Woodrow Wilson. May his 
shadow never grow less. 

To a South Carolina patriot in Che- 
raw and another in Sumter. 

To every South Carolina politician 
whose conscience is clear. 

To the great and good man who in- 
vented candied sweet potatoes. 

To The State's friends and sub- 
scribers, and to those who ought to be. 

To the Gi'eeuville Piedmont man, 
and more power to his paragraphic 
pen. 

To the weather man, because, bad as 
it is, he might have treated us worse. 

To the three or four German soldiers 
who haven't been given Iron Crosses 
yet. 

To Theodore the Immortal, and the 
lingering remnants of his assistant 
Democratic society. 

To "Y. S.," who, like a good deed in 
a naughty world, shineth, for the holi- 
days in Georgia. 

To Brother Ayers, of the Anniston 
Star, who sent us a Christmas card 
from sunny Alabam'. 

To the generous men and the noble 
women who are keeping the Associated 
Charities going. 

To Poet Laureate Robert Bridges, 
for kindly refraining from perpetrat- 
ing any more war ditties. 

To Scarborough, Whitby and Hartle- 
pool, and may they never have another 
such scare handed 'em. 

To all the warriors who won medals 
for valor on the bloody field, when 
they were too scared to run. 



66 



POEMS AXD PARAGRAPHS 



To Professor Taft, ou \A'hom be 
peace. May Aiuit Delia's apple pie to- 
day be tlie best he ever tasted. 

To old Field Marshal von Hinden- 
burg, the Fatherland's best general 
and toughest scrapper since Moltke. 

To Kaiser Wilhelm von Deutschland 
und Belgium (temporarily), and may 
he soon see the error of his ways. 

To all men. great and small, who 
are trying in the names of humanity 
and civilization to end this horrible 
war. 

To the Ohio State Journal man, to 
our mind the brightest paragrapher in 
these, so to speak. United States. 

To John D. liockefeller. May he con- 
tinue relieving the Belgians of their 
woes and quit relieving us of our 
shekels. 

To Elbert Hubbard, of East Aurora, 
with congratulations ou the way he 
whammed Kultur and Kruppery in the 
last Philistine. 

To Deutschland. Austria. Servia. 
Russia, la belle France : more particu- 
hirly to brave little Belgium and glori- 
ous old England. 

To His Imperial Highness, the 
Grand Duke Nicholas Nicholavitch, 
who is leading the Russian army — by 
half a mile. 

To the Gamaliel of American jour- 
nalism. Henry Watterson. whom all 
well brought up newspaper men are 

taught to admire and love. 

# » » 

The Hearst motto: "When in doubt, 
say Bryan did it." 

The fellow who gets home stewed 
usually gets roasted. 

Quite right. Peace will be patched 
lip on the seat of war. 

After turning over that new leaf, it 
might be a good idea to put a good. 

stout paper-weight on it. 

* * « 

Wilhelm evidently tigures that it's 
better for his navy to go down in his- 
tory than in the North Sea. 

It must be admitted that the Maine 
baby christened '"Berlin Paris" has a 
capital name. 



Then methought the news grew den- 
ser, doctored by an unseen censor. 

• « * 

We can at least see America first in 
charity. 

Turkey seems to be in for another 
basting. 

South Africa appears to have lost its 
union card. 

The Crown Prince gave every Ger- 
man soldier a pipe, but it is under- 
stood that it wasn't a French brier. 

"Here Lies the Petrograd Correspon- 
dent" would make quite as good a 
standing headline as an epitaph. 

"Grand Duke Splits Austrian Army." 
The greatest common divisor, as it 
were. 

Nothing strange about Pennsylvania 
women's opposition to Penrose, the 

girls usually being after the Boies. 

• » * 

Warsaw and see-saw have come to 
be synonymous. 

Manslayers used to be hung on 
crosses. Now crosses are hung on man- 
slayers. 

• • • 

We shall probably learn in time that 
Xerxes swore Leonidas forced the war 
on him. 

In America, it is the factories that 
war rushes to death ; in Europe, the 

soldiers. 

• • • 

Hard times always discover a multi- 
tude of soft hearts. 

And speaking of great compromises, 
Tennessee's Democratic ticket is Rye 
and Welch ! 

If Madame de Thebes would aban- 
don the hazardcnis business of trying to 
predict the result of the war and con- 
tine herself to annoiuicing o\\ every New 
Year's day that a fresh Alfonso woiUd 
arrive in Spain tuat year, her batting 
average in the Proiihetical Association 
would be considerably better. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES, 



67 



Lives of Zeppelins remind us 
We can soar to dizzy perches, 

And, departing, leave behind us 
Ten or fifteen ruined churches. 

Germany has called all 17-year-old 
boys to the colors, thus clearing up the 
mystery of who put the infant in in- 
fantry. 

Will the valued Tampa Times kindly 
inform us just what it means by its 
reference to "every Democrat and 
every good citizen?" 

As we understand it, Germany finds 
our consuls in Belgium guilty of hu- 
manity in the first degree. 

Paragraphers and cartoonists find 
President Wilson's long chin a boon. 
Other folks are more grateful for his 
long head. 

We fear little Bernstorff. his words are 

are so warm ; 
But if we don't gall him, he'll do us no 

harm. 



Mars and Old Nick, in chorus ; 
us this day our daily dead." 



"Give 



Boston is seething with indignation, 
a prominent linotype having just an- 
nounced that the Belgians saved few 
of their household cods. 

From all we can gather about Mr. 
Catts, who is a candidate for Governor 
of Florida, he comes right up to the 
scratch. 

A Los Angeles family had ostrich for 
their Christmas dinner. Held a kicker 
and filled, so to speak. 

Man's inhumanity to man makes 
countless thousands of dollars for 
American powder manufacturers. 

It is estimated that the war has cost 
Belgium a billion dollars. But the 
world's eternal admiration and homage 
should be worth something. 

However, the military expert who 
avers that the Russians will win in the 
long run will have to admit that they're 
pretty good at the sprints, too. 



Wood row Wilson yesterday convened 
for the short session. 

* « « 

Wilhclm strained at a Sikh and swal- 
lowed a Mussulman. 

Probably the very apex of sarcasm 
is reached in the average pressing 
club's opinion of a Highland soldier. 

The king is in his counting-house, 
wondering where the mischief the 
money has gone. 

* * * 

We suppose the 1,800 Paris artists at 
the front are drawing only their ra- 
tions and the enemy's fire. 

* * * 

The Bear that walks like a crab ! 

Our own idea of zero in usefulness 
is a 1913 map of Europe. 

A scientist says that newspapers will 
make you warm. Colonel Roosevelt 
found that out long ago. 

The paragraphers would not mogne 
If this here war should reach Cologne. 

First Russian Officer : "The German 
army is coming." Second Russian Of- 
ficer : "Let's beat it !" 

* * * 

Many a fellow is a star because he 
stuck to the dipper and the milky way. 

That appropriation bill seems to 
have been written by a retrenchant 
pen. 

As we understand it, the Dresden 
grounded out trying to make a home 
run. 

They are enlisting mere boys every- 
where, even Turkey calling out the 

Asia minors. 

* * » 

Short Poem on the Weather: 
Well ! Well ! 

Isn't this the deuce? 

A machine for digging graves has 
been invented, but it takes man to fill 
them. 

Well, anyway, they put the scar in 
Scarborough, the hit in Whitby, and 
took the heart out of Hartlepool. 



68 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Not infrequently a stat 
comes a stagger party. 



party be- 



Bet those cavalry horses are doing a 
lot of war stamping. 

No wonder the Pennsylvania tramp 
who swallowed 16 needles had a stitch 
in his side. 

"Roosevelt Signs With Metropolitan." 
— Headline. Mazagine, opera. or 
museum. 



"Turks Revolting." — Headline, 
always were. 



They 



Senator Vardaman's refusal to read 
the war news may be explained by the 
fact that so much of it is colored. 

An Englishman's house is his castle, 
and there are times when he must wish 
it was a castle in Spain. 

A fool and his money are soon petted. 

« * « 

It's to be hoped London's new woman 
regiment will learn how to fall in with- 
out falling out. 

Judging by the war pictures, those 
Highlanders are barely holding their 
own. 

Speaking of standpat sneers at 
"Schoolmaster Wilson." here's an ut- 
terance of Lord Brougham's that is 
rather apropos just now : "The School- 
master is abroad ! And I trust to him, 
armed with his primer, against the sol- 
dier in full military array." 

The Irish have no corner on bulls. 
Mr. Vladimir Tchertkoflf writes the 
New York Times that he was Tolstoi's 
literary representative during his life- 
time, and was "instructeil by him to 
edit and publish all his posthumous 
writings." 

Rumored that the British censor is 
seriously considering the advisability 

of admitting the loss of the Serapis. 

* » « 

Chicago professor says there are six 
races in Colonel Roosevelt. The other 
four, we suppose, are 1916, 1920. 1924 
and 192S. 



Isn't there some way to revoke Wil- 
liam Watson's poetic license? 

Sea food comes high at Newport 
when one Fish ball costs $60,000. 

It seems to be pretty generally cou- 
cetled that the slits made bud wiser. 

The course of true currency reform 
ought to run smooth, there being banks 
on either side. 

The egg is still the autocrat of the 
breakfast table. 

We presume that old Rockefeller ap- 
proves of Indian summer, if for no 
other reason than that it keeps his 
wigwam. 

You rarely hear an aviator boasting 

of his descent. 

« « « 

Delaware prison styles this year ai'e 
running largely to stripes. 

Mary Garden admits that she likes a 
highball. Mary may take a drop, but 
not a stitch. 

If the churches are so strong for uni- 
versal peace, why don't they give up 
their canons? 

It takes nine tailors to make a man, 
but it has been our observation, not to 
say experience, that one can break him 

with neatness and dispatch. 

* * * 

There was sold in New York the 
other day a letter of Charlotte Corday, 
written just before she went to Paris 
to stab Marat, in which she told her 
father that she was going to England. 
This is one of the tirst Charlotte ruses 
on record. 

Queen Mary has limited all the court 
debutantes to a one-inch neck exposure. 
Wouldn't it be awful if a fugitive 
giraffe should ramble into that sissy 
court ? 

"Will Italy show her hand?" asks the 
Tampa Tribune. But the real question 
is. will Italy show her fist? 



Everybody has 
cash. 



a soft spot for hard 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



69 



Watsons rush in where Kiplings have 

better sense than to tread. 

» « » 

"Roosevelt saj-s he'll quit talking," 
which will leave the country with only 
one Long Island sound. 

Uncle Sam has a New Mexico, but 
what he wants to see is a new Mexico. 

I'ublisher who advertises "Russian 
Fairy Tales" as "suitable for juvenile 
reading," nuist not have heard that 
millions of adults have been reading 
'em for the last four months. 

"Made-in-Germany" — Belgium's fam- 
ine. 

Hindu scientist says that plants are 
nei-vous. Especially manufacturing 

plants. 

# # # 

Seems paradoxical, how matters go 
HI with doctors when everything is 
well. 

Harvard dr()i)S Washington and .Jef- 
ferson from her 1015 football schedule. 
The Postum ad. man said it. 

The United States is bounded on the 
East by the Atlantic, on the West by 
the Pacific, on the North by mobiliza- 
tion, and on the South by hell. 

The judgment of Paris is likely to do 
Mr. Herrick about as much good as the 
late Mme. Juno. 

"America Sends More War Supplies 
to Allies." — Any headline. And the 
jingling of the guinea helps the hurt 
that neutrality feels. 

Plenty of good Indians in France ! 

A whole lot of shabbiness comes from 
neat whiskey. 

Lives of great Turks all remind us 
We can make our lives worth men- 
tion ; 

And. departing, leave behind us 
Nineteen widows and a pension. 

The safe-and-sane-Fourth movement 
received a severe jolt when Nat Good- 
win and DeWolf Hopper each took a 
fifth. 



War news is getting to be a war 
nuisance. 

We always look for chaste and classi- 
cal English from Tarheelia, and we see 
in the Congressional Record that Sen- 
ator Simmons maintains the high aver- 
age with this Addisonian gem: "This 
bill does the very thing that I then said 
if it were done I would be in favor of 

free lumber." 

« « « 

If the Chicago Aero Club succeeds 
in its plan to prevent aviation fatali- 
ties, it will be a big feat, even for Chi- 
cago. 

In the I'hilippines, when a friend 
takes his departure he rubs his hand 
over your face. Over here, he merely 
touches you. 

Slit skirts, like Thanksgiving tur- 
keys, show a good deal more white 
meat than dressing. 

Most fellows' heads take a turn for 
the woi'se when there's a slit skirt or 
a silhouette gown in the vicinity. 

Can it be becoming Marryland, My 
Mari-yland? A Baltimore woman has 
applied for her seventh divorce. 

Secretary Daniels says drinking 
won't go in the navy, indicating that 
he intends to abolish Davy Jones' 
locker. 

China claims to have turned out the 
first phonograph, but if we remember 
aright, Adam beat her to it. 

"The modern skirt is certainly a 
scream," according to a contemporary. 
Sort of whoop skirt, eh? 

Secretary Bryan's lecture tour should 
by all means include Coin, Kans., Du- 
cat, Va., Monie, Md.. and Cashtown 
and Bullion, Pa. 

Speed the day when there will be 
a . to a Japanese ? 

"Jim" Coffey got only a draw with 
Flynn, so there are evidently no 
grounds to his championship aspira- 
tions. 



70 



r(^/:.]/s .i.v/> rAiiAii/i\[riis 



Tho most numorous of jail-binls. ono 
ima.uinos. aro larks, bats, aiul swallows. 

\arious hard thin.us havo luvii said 
about tho olooks tho.v woar on thoir 
stookinsjs. bvit it nwist bo aihnittod tho.v 
aro sirikin.c. 

Sinoo Chrlstabol rankhmst loft Lou- 
don, things thoio aro si> qniot that ouo 
oau almost hoar an "h" drop. 

An o\ohan.co says that "rrosidont 
Wilson is hansiins; tho U>bbyists on his 
'jribbot of shanio' " -C\apitol pnnish- 
mont. as it woro. 

'ri\o tirst Mo\ioat\ rovolutionist in- 
vontiHl porpotnal motion. 

Whon in doubt, tho avora.co jury in 
a oorporaiion oaso usually falls baok 
on that irrand old Latin athuonition, 
"Soo ot tuum." 

Wo(Hh\nv Wilson is a ixood spoakor, 
but lloury l.auo Is bottor still. 

V'roo I hinkors — baoholors. 

« « • 

Villa shoots his oaptivos instoad of 
hancinj: thom, but that's no si.cn ho 
doosn't ki\ow tho ropos. 

A Fronoh monarohlst has loft Kins 
Alfoi\so $rHH>.tHH>. ami ho'U mvd ovory 
ivut of U for uurso hiro tho way friouil 
wifo Is hittlui; In tho Stork l.oajruo. 

(.\>lomhia's Trosidout says ho trusts 
Wilson's ways. Colombia may romom- 
bor that Trosidont Koosovolt also had 
takiusr ways. 

Kuapsaoks pillows. 

In ailoptinc: tho kjiniraroo as its otli- 
olal omblom. Australia oortainly cot tho 
Jump on tho rost of us 1 

Thoro nro thiusrs that tho palofa^v 
brotl\or oau toaoh poor l.o. but tho wis- 
dom of rtiVumulattHi asxos appoars in 
his provorb: "A squaw's touiruo runs 
fastor than tho wii\tl's lojxs." 

Tho rrosidont says this Oousrivss has 
sorvtHi tho pooplo "as thoy havo novor 
boon sorvoii boforo." Wo oortainly ad- 
miiv WiHMirow's frauknoss. 



(.\)lonol lioosovolt stronuously Insists 
that ho is tho fathor of wators. 

l>ritish oonsorship prosnmably bo- 
lou,u.s to tho I'anard l.ino. 

T. 1{. Is outolassod at last, "'rhe 
rosidouts of a «.Uu-man town." says the 
Houston Tost, "aro building a lifo size 
statuo of ouo of tl\oir oiti/.ons wlio won 
fa mo as an oxpU>ror mount oil on a 
oamol onliroly of briok." 

Wo aro almost boginnlnsr to lovo Wil- 
holm for tho paragraphs ho has mailo. 

'I'horo's still nothing in a nanio. 
Ohrisiian i-onnty. Ivontuoky. votod 
"wot" and Innirbon oounty "dry." 

-V brand now orop of horoos sprouts 
up almost ovory day and loudly ouss 
tho Ivaisor (who's ;{.(HH> milos awayL 

Thoso Sonogal soldiors aro oxpootod 
to mako tho war moro wild and wooly 
than ovor. 

Truth, orushod lo oarth. still has tho 
cvnsor sitting on hor hoad. 

Tho most possimistio noto of all is 
soundiHl by Tho l.itorary Pigost, whioli 
opinos that "tho iJorman iioots aro 
probably not ivUo." 

Knssia is apt to lind a pin in tho 
(.>ttomai\. 

A quart or to ono tipping a rullmau 
VHU'tor. 

Not tho loast of war's humors is a 
Now York nowspapor stornly robxiking 

Fronoh in\n\orality. 

• « * 

Ilowovor, thoro may bo worso mou 
in this world thai\ IVnivso. Think 
what a big world it is. 

Tho (.unman advauvv on Paris still 
proovHHis stoadily by way of tlio Suez 
oanal. 

c>no of tho most irritating sights in 
a world ohuok f\»ll of i. s. is a protty 
girl wasting a tlook of porftvtly gootl 
kisses on another woman. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT (U)NZALES 



71 



The Ilosporus appears (o luivc joiuod 
tlu' carly-closiiif; uiovimiumiI. 

"kiafclij I'iisl." 
(l)isp!i((.-li lo tlu> Now York lOvtMiiiij; 
Sun.) 
Ou(» (JcriuMU banker in South Lou- 
don, \vlu)so UMiuo was "Sflunidt," 
promptly oluin)j;o(l it to "Smith." 

Lati'st Kussian chock will l)o In- 
dorsoci in r.orlin. 

A Now Movioo aslr«>nouuM- has dis- 
coverod a now ooniot. And thorohy 
hangs a tail. 

Our notion of countor-irritants is 
those hist-uiinuto Christmas shoi)pors. 

Enijland's latost casimlty list rovoals 
that tho Coldstream Ouartls got into 
hot water. 

We all like women to lay aside some- 
thiujr for a rainy day, espeoially when 
It's a pair of silk stoekings. 

Military styles this year do not favor 
the exposed Hank. 

Whnt Europe needs in this country 
Is some dumdum diplomats. 

Bound in Russia — Austrian captives. 

After all. the host side of politics is 
the outside. 

As we understand Sam Blythe, things 
are so (pii(>t in London now that one 
can almost hear an "h" drop. 

Mexico has plenty of bull ruslics, 
but no Moses as yet in sight. 

In a tinal despiM-a to ell'ort at a tol- 
erably new (piii) on von Klnck, we can't 
find a blessed thing to say except the 
feeble remark that he is the Nestor of 
the German generals. 

Presence of converted cruisers and 
confirmed dispatches is peculiarly (it- 
ting in a Christian war. 

The only way doctors can got a nickel 
out of some families is when one of 
the kids swallow it. 



X'irgiiiia paragraphors honcot'ortli 
nnist stick to dry liumor. 

War yarns, of course, tell about tiie 

worsted. 

* tt « 

Hon. liillian Russell opines that there 
is notliing lovelier than a lovtMy hand. 
lOspecially when it reads from ace to 
ton, Ld., old girl. 

Egypt, which the Turks plan to in- 
vade, is celebrated for its i)yramitls 
and tlie elligy of Tom Marshall. 

And while on tho general subject of 
"kultur," who built and nnis three- 
I'ourtlis of American distilleries and 
breweries V 

Says the Boston Transcript: "Tho 
(Jermans are I'etreating in I'Mandors, 
saddcM- l)ut Y-ser." Namur o' that, Hal, 
an' tliou lovost mo! 

And you can just bet old Omar 
wouldn't have extolled a book of versos 
underneath the bough if they had boon 
war ver.ses. 

Another noteworthy and gratifying 
feature of tlie war, from the l']nglish 
l)()int of view, is tlie way it lias taken 
tlie ire out of Ireland. 

Tho great and good man who in- 
vented the high car step did more for 
the uplift than all tho reformers from 

Looey Hrandois down. 

# ♦ » 

"Bro. Bryan — Pax vobiscum. 
"Bro. Wilson — Tax vobiscum." 

— St. Louis (.lobe-Democrat. 
To which Old Colonel (Jobbler would 
moiirnfully add : 

Bro. Farmer — Axo vobiscum. 

If it were a case of tho survival of 
the fattest, C.ermany's landsturm would 
win a walk. 

What shall we name the latest alli- 
ance — Turkultur? 

We are expecting almost any day 
now to hear that in a final desperate 
attempt to recapture the front page, 
Colonel Roosevelt has promised to 
walk a tight-ropo over Niagara Falls. 



72 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



How would it do to call King George 
the Sikli man of Europe? 

We suppose that movie film of the 
battle of the Marne that we saw a few 
days ago was perfectly all right and 
authentic, though it must be admitted 
that a suspicious mind might have won- 
dered what that background sign : 
"M. J. Kelly, Wines and Liquors," was 
doing there. 

From present prospects, the referee 
will have to decide this war on points. 

At any rate, Ireland hasn't .shut off 
the export of coppers to this country. 

One would have thought the Young 
Turks were old enough to know better. 

Oklahoma has a Boise City, but Phil- 
adelphia seems to be the Boies city. 

It takes no label to tell that Colum- 
bia's star-eyed angels were "Made in 
Dixie." 

Looks as if history will have to be 
content with only one William the 
Conqueror. 

Virginia and Kentucky have stamped 
out the bourbonic plague. 

Zeppelins waiting for London fogs 
must be ignorant that Parliament has 
just been prorogued. 

Zapata, we take it, is Villa's chief 

lootenant. 

« • • 

The United States Tire Company — 
Ridder and von Bernstoff. 

Would it be all right to speak of 
Boston's first lady oflicer as a prom- 
inent clubwoman? 

New French guarantees: Life, lib- 
erty, and the pursuit of Wilhelm. 

It must be admitted that the dear 
old Yankees are bearing the South's 
woes with heroic and uncomplaining 
fortitude. 

The Uhlans who fled before an Irish 
charge just couldn't stand Pat. 



It seems high time for Austria to 
issue a Lemon Paper. 

A little church spire o'er the hill is 
just a mark for Kaiser Bill. 

Speaking of neutrality, doesn't sew- 
ing for the Belgians show some bias? 

Russia's ambition, we presume, is to 
make it Bearlin. 

England seems to have brought in 
the black whole of Calcutta. 

King Vic. of Italy is only five feet, 
five inches — that's the sawed off man 
he is. 

Here are those wretched standpatters 
still kicking about our Mexican policy. 
Even Philander C. Knox. 

Why not call it the vamoose party? 

Davy Jones will soon need an extra 
locker. 

Well, Cannon was always a machine 



The New York Herald correspondent 
wln) proposes sending dried apples to 
Belgium suggests one sure plan to 
swell its population. 

If the wages of sin is death, Europe 

doesn't care when payday comes. 

* * * 

A Chicago pawnbroker advertises : 
"I have cast off clothing of every de- 
scription and invite your immediate 
inspection." Looks like a job for 
Com stock. 

"Have You Seen 'A Pair of Silk 
Stockings?'" Advertisement in a New 
York exchange. If the query is ad- 
dressed to us, we desire to say that we 
are patiently waiting for the first rainy 
day. 

When the estimable Asheville Citi- 
zen has apprised us how much is Nick 
Longworth, will it be good enough to 
say what makes Samuel G. Blythe? 

We suppose that Secretary Daniels 
makes his officers call it the Sublime 
Lefte. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



73 



Sometimes we sit and wonder what 
is the age of discretion in Europe. 

The German navy's motto looks to 
be "Rile Britannia." 

Edward Albert Christian George An- 
drew Patrick David, Prince of Wales, 
won't have to make a name for him- 
self. 

* * ♦ 

Petrograd reports the Austrians 
driven back to their trenches. Another 
case of running things into the ground. 

"Germany," says a Baltimore Sun 
correspondent, "is the salt of the 
earth." Well, Belgium must be the red 
pepper. 

When this cruel war is over, we are 
willing to take the Petrograd man and 
match him against Doc Oook for $500 
a side. 

"I haven't a thing to say about any- 
thing." — Colonel Roosevelt. Which 
means, as usual, about four columns 
tomorrow. 



Old King Coal is a 
soul. 



grasping old 



Songbird Maggie Teyte, who told all 
the New York reporters on arriving 
that the Uhlans got her trousers, cer- 
tainly pants for fame. 

As we understand the situation, to 
win an Iron Cross you must make 

work for the Red Cross. 
« # « 
Germany might have got her "place 
in the sun" before this if the world 
hadn't given Great Britain so much 
latitude. 

"Britain's Monarch Opens Parlia- 
ment." Well, kings are excellent open- 
ers. 

Belgium should discard the lion as 
its national emblem and adopt the 
goat. 

Charging soldiers might call a Max- 
im the ancient mariner, since it stop- 
peth one of three. 



There has been no reason for any 
Hungarian rhapsody m this war. 

One thing sure, when the suffs win 
the whole country, there won't be any 
more silent vote. 

The elephant is a most appropriate 
emblem for the G. O. P., it having so 
much ivory in its head. 

Probably those Kurds have it figured 
out that where there's a will, there's a 
whey. 

Don't cheer too soon — the Theodore 
just elected president of Haiti wasn't 
that one. 

If the prodigal son could come back 
nowadays, he'd probably find the old 
man a strict vegetarian. 

As we understand Secretary Garri- 
son, we need a mobile army as large as 
our automobile army. 

Joe Cannon was born in North Caro- 
lina, and the queer part is that it 
wasn't in Buncombe, either. 

Some scientist has testified that the 
woi'ld produces about ten babies to a 
pulse beat. Be still, fond heart ! 

Pancho Villa has demonstrated 
among other things that an ounce of 
intuition is worth a pound of tuition. 

"Jam to hear Roosevelt," says the 
Washington Star ; but why this slight 
to Messrs. Pickle and Preserve? 

Oh, no ; Sidney Lanier's "The 
Marshes of Glynn" is not an allusion 
to the reorganization bog New York's 
executive is floundering in. 

Cap'n Hobson. as we understand it, 
is still busy giving out dry facts. 

Divorce Item. 
A fool and his honey are soon parted. 

After a hurried perusal of Col. 
Hearst's newspapers, we do not judge 
that wise Woody's watchful waiting 
wins with wily AVillie. 



74 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



One result of this war may be that 
"divine riglit" will be left. 

One finds it hard to blame the lino- 
typer who speaks of "New Haven 
stuckholders." 

Some of the suffs are such man- 
haters they won't even laugh "He ! he ! 
he!" 

The Philadelphia Record says it 
doesn't pay a man to lead a double life. 
It pays his lawyers, all right. 

"Chinese immigrants to pay head- 
tax," says a Canadian exchange. 2 1-2 
cents a queue? 

T. R. is a grandfather again — and a 
great grandfather, too ! 

This "good roads movement" one 
hears so much of evidently doesn't in- 
clude the New Haven. 

"Why should anybody want to Seat- 
tle when they can see Wilmington?" 
complains The Star. "Sh-h-h! They 
want to Seattle, Wash. 

We suppose that Chicago's singing 
dog is especially strong on barcarolles. 

Quite the most paradoxical fashion 
note we've observed lately is the one 
which gravely announces that "bustles 
are before us." 

Everybody does not think the Col- 
onel attractive, but Colombia is willing 
to admit his taking ways. 

The newspapers are printing group 
pictures of the children of Belgium's 
king — Brussels sprouts, so to speak. 

Where there is a Wilson there is a 
way. 

Puts One Over on Us. 
In one thing, as this here rime shows, 

The baby's got us beat ; 
He nibbles at his little toes. 

And thus makes both ends meet. 

The Danube seems to be fated to be 
polychromatic. In poetry, it is "blue ;" 
in fact, it is yellow ; politically, it 
seems fated to be red. 



The man who is persuaded to go out 
on a lark that becomes a bat, finds 
out too late that he was a gull. 

Louisiana and Miss Democracy. 
The rose is red. 

The violet's blue. 
Sugar is sweet — 

But not on you ! 

Advices from Ulster, Austria, Servia, 
Haiti and Santo Domingo indicate that 
the dove has been pigeon-holed. 

Cuba gives her prominent criminals 
long terms in jail, thus proving her 
utter undeservedness to enjoy the 
blessings of civilization. 

Some Heart! 
(From the Kansas City Independent.) 
His heart is of gold, pure 14-karat 
gold, all wool and a yard wide. 

Some Current Fiction. 
"My distinguished opiionent." 
"Our esteemed contemporary." 
"Tlie eminent counsel for the de- 
fense." 

"Desirous of strengthening the ties 
between our two great nations." 

"The gifted speaker who has just 
preceded me." 

"The Honorable ." 

"Your loving son-in-law." 
"This intelligent audience." 

Apprehensive Londoners may not 
see any Zeppelins, but they will learn 
a lot about astronomy. 

Wheat States easily discern the 
European war cloud's silver lining. 

Spain's court physician might call 
his income a fresh neir fund. 

England certainly seems to have the 
art of taxation down to a tea. 

Dust man is, of course, but a lot of 
grit mvist have got into King Albert's 
makeup. 

Those Fort Bliss refugees should be 
thankful that after being washed they 
weren't ironed. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



75 



Seeing is believing, but nowadays 
reading always isn't. 

The esteemed Washington Star says 
that "whatever Roosevelt says goes." 
Ti-ue; into one ear and out of the 

other. 

* * # 

And far be it from us to suggest that 
because Senator Lewis is a native Vir- 
ginian he's a Smithtield Ham. 

The Bishop of London has enlisted 
in the infantry. English canons, of 
course, will gravitate toward the artil- 
lery. 

Villa is now resting. However, tak- 
ing life easy should come natural to 
him. 

It is evidently Ulster that put the 
ire in Ireland. 

The Pankhurst revision : One good 
burn deserves another. 

The treasury's merry Mac took a 
long time getting his monitor. 

One of the most dismal sights in this 
world is a pair of silk stockings on a 
clothes line. 

And did you notice what a militant 

defense Haelen and Nancy put up? 

* * * 
Waterproofs — Tarheels. 

John D. thinks the coronation of Per- 
sia's young Shah a great fake, as he 
wasn't anointed with oil. 

You never can tell about a name. At 
school little Percy generally licks the 

stuffing out of little Pete. 

* * * 

The Atlantic ocean is to the United 
States what Theodore Roosevelt is to 
the Democi-atic party. 

Luke Lea has the mumps, but Jim 
Ham Lewis remains the Senate's real 
swell. 

"Col. Maus talks on Mexico." says a 
Brooklyn exchange. But Col. Mauser's 
remarks continue to command much 
more attention. 



"Roosevelt to Testify in Union Suit." 
— Headline. Colonel ! Colonel ! 

"Navy replaces booze with grape- 
juice," reads a headline. The welch- 
ers ! 

The Mayor of Buenos Ayres has sent 
a llama to Mr. Bryan. Tthanks ! 

It takes more than a drought to hurt 
the wild oats crop. 

Probably if Christopher Columbus 
had known that Mexico was on this 
continent he'd have turned back in 
mid-ocean. 

It must be conceded that pawnshops 
have their redeeming features. 

However, Britannia doesn't rule the 
marcel waves. 

There is no doubt about the fact 
that the North loves the negro — until 
he moves up there. 

If Holland enters the war, will El- 
der Caine graciously inform us what 
will the Zuyder Zee? 

War tax exempts all rolling stock 
but cigarette papers. 

New Haven suits, we presume, are 
crash. 

And Europe is still sending mission- 
aries to the poor heathen ! 

It should come natiirally for Frnnce's 
colored troops to double-quick after 
the drumsticks. 

"A woman's heart is a savings bank," 
says the Baltimore Sun. Her tongue, 
we presume, is the teller. 

Even the candidate who doesn't hesi- 
tate can do the douDle shuffle. 

Judging by those harem stories, 
there's very little dressing in Turkey. 

Mediate has come to mean the oppo- 
site of immediate. 

"The flag signifies just strength." 
says the President. But not spirit, 
says Daniels. Choose your English. 



76 



POP:.]fS A\D PARAGRAPHS 



A fellow naturally fools onisty after 
a bun. 

^Vlult's tlio tradoniark of ox-Mayor 
Fitzsiorald's. of Koston. olothin,;; store 
—"Honey tits?" 

Anyway, the prioe of soap hasn't 
soared. There'll he no hisih oost of 
laving. 

You may say this for a oollow town, 
it's rarely as red as it has boon i)ainted. 

Wo suppose the oliioial sxaiue of the 
Mt^thors' (^\ni,i;ross is oribbaijo. 

IamuIou is irhul to note that those 
/ieppolin envelopes are stationary. 

However, New Euirland's partiality 
for the oolorod brother is natural 
enough, the pious Yankee slaver being 
the tirst to introduee hin\ to our fair 
country. 

If the subnmrine is a shark, as an 
oxohange puts it. could you call a 
dreadnought a shell-lish? 

The Kockofellor food ship has ar- 
rived, and all lU>lgiuui is singing. "How 
firm a Fouutlatimi !" 

^Vondor what Yale will call its now 
gridiron— the Elisian tields? 

Indications are that the Allies are 
going to be Turkey gobblers. 

Those Harvard Ciermaniacs couldn't 
talk more if it were a pollytechnic 
school. 

It must surprise the tactful Dr. 
Bernhard Dernburg immensely that a 
wave of pro-(iormai\ sympathy did not 
sweep the South as soon as he an- 
nounced that his country sent ITo.OOO 
men to fight for the I'Uiou. 

We suppose that Xat Cioodwin's auto- 
biography is a sort of scrap book. 

» * * 

Turkey, of course, furnishes the 
wings In the Eastern theatre of war. 

Whatsoever a man sowoth. that also 
shall he rip. 



While Washington is sanguuio, Mex- 
ico is sanguinary. 

A suiuiy disposition, even when cou- 
pled with few brains, will often get a 
man a whole lot further in this world 
than a thinking-machine with a grouch. 

Latest parlor magic stunt of the 
Allies is making Turkey quail. 

Though Ciormany can't get any more 
llabaua cigars, she evidently likes the 
I'urkish to back 'or. 

Well, errand l>uko Nick appears to 
have made it middle-hole-game, as we 
marble tiends used to say. 

Britain's tax on tea is calculated to 
uuike the cup that cheers groan. 

We suppose the blue laws brethren 
will soon be insisting that the confiv- 
tions change their name to nut mon- 
daes. 

South Carolina was anticipated 
many hundreds of years ago, according 
to the tale of Prince Kamar al-Zaman 
in the esteemed Arabian Nights. 

Of that dignitary, we are told that 
"as soon as he became king, he re^ 
mitted the customs-dues and released 
all men who remained in gaol." 

And it is named "El Imparcial." 

Almost every young follow knows a 
peach who is the apple o<"" his eye. 

Some persons are so eccentric that 

they actually buy their umbrellas. 
• * » 
Our idea of the acme of human wis- 
dom is laughing like thunder wheJi 
the boss tells a joke. 

Fearful tragedy at the Capitol! Nine 
lives lost ! ! The Senate's cat fell dinvn 
the elevator shaft ! ! ! 

China is said to bo showing her tooth 
to Kussia. Inspection, however, fails 
to reveal oven a Wu-tingfang. 

If the militant who out his portrait 
gets a Henry James sentence, she's be 
in for life. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



77 



In this country suffrasism is an 
avocation. In England it is a pursuit. 

Conjxress luis made it u crime to 
Impersonate a meml)er. To imperson- 
ate some ("on.ijfressmeu should l)e cause 
for a lunacy inquiry. 

We have never heeu quite able to 

understand why the Mecklenhurs 

Declaration celebration isn't held on 
April 1. 

Kinjx (»eori:e's speech from the 
throne will easily rank as one of 
Mary's best literary efforts. 

« * * 

Those Pankhursts literally hunger 
for fame. 

All we ask of Maj. J. L. Sims is to 
be half as sood a Marshal for Uncle 
feam as he has been an editor. 

Have all those smelters down there 
anythini: to do with Mexico's beinj: in 
such bad odor? 

London suffragists who chained 
themselves to I'hairs have sjicceeded in 
Inverting the proverb that "Love 
laughs at locksmiths." 

Other l.aiKfs 'Vhau Ours — A'o. •'». 
Hawaii is. our cycU)pedia teaches. 
A moonlit realm of silver-sanded 

beaches 
Where languid love-lipped, night- 
eyed beauties prance 
To nuisic in that bnla-lnda dance. 

Oh, You MarshaU. 
(From the Laurinbnrg (N. C.) Ex- 
change.) 
Marshall Threadgill should have 
the prize for riding the girls about, he 
having come through town recently 
with nine on one H. M. T. buggy. 

One of the most unhapp.v compari- 
sons we've come across recently is an 
admirer's reference to Jim Ham Lewis' 
wit as "Shavian." 

The investigation of the Carlisle In- 
dian school will doubtless bring out the 
fact that it has one of the best back- 
fields in the country. 



Meat prices being what they are, let 
the wolf beware how close he comes to 

the door ! 

* • * 

An English archaeologist says that 
Nero did not burn Rome. Fiddle- 
sticks ! 

"Schoolgirl Invents New Curve." 
Is the baseball to become woman's 
sphere? 

Oscar Underwood actually couldn't 
be any more contemptuous of Cap'n 
Mobson if he were a barber discussing 
safety razors. 

It might help some if the women 
would devote less thought to sweeping 
the country and more to sweeping the 
front porches. 

The enthusiastic suffragette who 
calls Mrs. Pankhurst a "matchless 
woman" is apparently not posted on 
recent London lire statistics. 

Our touring big leaguers are booked 
to play in Home, where, you will re- 
member, Brutus and Cassius; intro- 
duced the hit-and-run play. 

We do not know Mr. T. B. Slick of 
Clarion, Pa., registered at a New York 
hotel, but we violate no confidence in 
the statement that he has many rela- 
tives iu South Carolina politics. 

The mediators will do well to take 
their overcoats to Niagara Falls. T. R. 
has boils on his legs, Taft has bunions 
on his toes, and Wilson has Congress 
on his hands. 

Some people are born Anani.ases. and 
others rise up on their hind legs when- 
ever opportunity otTers and charge the 
daily newspapers with being controlled 
by tlie cori)orate interests. 

"The trousered lords are combobor- 
ativel.v and conniptively flabbergasted." 
— New York Sun. 

After reading that, who could 
blame them? 

Pustleton. Pa., could scarcely be 
calliNl a "forward-looknig" place sar- 
torially speaking. 



T8 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



"Something more is required nowa- 
days to be a Congressman than to wear 
a frock coat, a white tie, and to send 
out garden seed." — Senator Kenyon. 

Well, good sir, we'll bite. What more 

is? 

» « « 

Despite Doc Elliot's contempt for the 
Garden of Eden story, he can't say 
Adam and Eve's sojourn there was 
fruitless. 

Our notion of zero in logic is a Way- 
cross movie's advertisement of "an ab- 
solutely moral show, having been 
shown in New York 350 times." 

"We are creating a cheap American 
aristocracy," says Irving Bacheller. 
Showing how much of an aristocrat he 
is! Everybody knows that, whatever 
else American aristocracy may be, it is 
not to be had cheaply. 

Senator Jones advocates a Parthenon 
in Washington as a memorial to our 
women. But wouldn't it be better to 
call it a Marthenon? 

Birds of a feather may roost apart 
and scold at each other for a time, but 
sooner or later they are bound to come 

back to the same bough. 

* * * 

Mexico has not recognized the new 
Peruvian government, regrettable cir- 
cumstances at home having thus far 
prevented it from recognizing its own. 

In Savoyard's description of a noted 
Kentuckian as "full of years and full 
of honors," he seems to have omitted 
something. 

The Kurds are rising in Armenia, 
but luckily the ferocious Klabbas show 
no signs of taking the warpath. 

The latest from Paris is the "sur- 
prise gown." It must be about the 
size of a postage stamp if it surprises 

Paris. 

• « * 

Suspicion persists that the real ob- 
ject of Queen Wilhelmina's calling an- 
other peace congress at The Hague is 
to tell the delegates the latest bright 
sayings of little Princess Juliana. 



We found the moving pictures of the 
Haytian revolution very entertaining 
and instructive, but General Zamor 
looked suspiciously like the colored 
hackman who drove us to our hotel 
the last time we were in Tampa. 

Yesterday's weather played havoc 
with skirts a la mode. 

One might, for the nonce, go almost 
so far as to call 'em sleet-skirts. 

W e often proffer humble thanks 

We do not dwell among the Yanks ; 

What boots a bit of snow and sleet? 
It has their cussed weather beat. 

The poor, downtrodden masses would 
never know how downtrodden they are 
if it were not for the patriotic politi- 
cians. 

* * * 

The best way Mr. Carnegie could 
spend his latest $2,000,000 for peace 
would be to establish pensions for all 
the Mexican warriors. 

"I hear Spring voices calling," pro- 
claims Frank L. Stanton. Take it from 
us, Frank, they won't cost you as much 
as the other kind. 

Prince Albert, who will visit us next 
year, will be readily remembered as 
the young man who was named after 
a. w. k. brand of tobacco. 

Age will turn all newspapers yellow, 
but a good many of them are born that 
way. 

Whoever called this the horseless age 
failed to remember all those college 
ponies. 

Probably another reason Germany 
dislikes us, as Covuit on Reventlow de- 
clares, is that our army officers have 
not yet advanced far enough in the 
scale of civilization to cut down 
crippled shoemakers. 

A Philanthropist. 
He loves to give his change away 

Does generous Mr. Kales, 
And every time he weighs, they say 

He always tips to scales. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



79 



Probably that Salem, Mass., fire 
started at the witching hour. 

Where have we heard those words 
before? 

"The Mexican war will not last 
much longer." — Pancho Villa. 

Now that the embargo has been 
lifted you can easily guess tlie most 
popular reb. command 

"Order arms !" 

« « « 

If we correctly understand Secretary 
Wilson, capital and labor should peace- 
fully compromise their differences, 
even if capital has to be knocked on 
the head to do it. 

If there's aught in a name, the Big 
bipper is the leading tango artist of 
the sidereal system. 

Morgan's raiders of the '60's seem to 
have had nothing on the New Haven 

ones. 

Senator Penrose intimates that the 
flower of the Keystone Republicans 
voted for him. 

It should not have been difficult, in 
the recent New York blizzard, for Ful- 
ton street to keep warm, lying, as it 
does, between John and Ann. 

"Ex-King Manuel Likes the 
'Movies.' " He has been one himself. 

IVlurphy smiles and reflects that the 
leaning tower of Pisa hasn't fallen yet, 
citlier. 

We see by the papers that George 
Perkins, the well-known bullion moose, 
has arrived at Oyster Bay. 

If, as this astronomer says, the new 
comet is merely a "hobo," it doubtless 
steered clear of the dog-star. 

Sometimes we sit and wonder just 
what contemporary politician old Ten- 
nyson was hitting at when he wrote 
"The mighty wind arises, roaring sea- 
ward." 

Current coal bills convince us that 
cold waves would more properly be 
called breakers. 



All you have to do is wear a pro- 
digious wool hat and look wise, and a 
whole lot of people in this State will 
think you are the intellectual heir of 
John C. Callioun. 

Among the creatures queer we know, 

The camel's not the least ; 
His humps are always rising, though 

He never uses yeast. 

The Democratic tolls exemption plat- 
form plank now looks no larger than 
a splinter. 

"Austrian Envoy Bitten by Dog; 
May Have Babies." — Headline. One 
can imagine no more melancholy re- 
sult. 

No one will deny, since Bob La Fol- 
lette's last speech, that the Washing- 
ton Post is more justified than ever in 
running that "Great Trials of His- 
tory" series. 

Still another thing we admire about 
Woodrow Wilson is that his won't 
power is as fully developed as his will 
power. 

One readily comprehends why he is 
called an Indian "brave" when one gets 
a look at his squaw. 

New York surgeons have made a 
jaw from a rib. The first record of 
this operation is in Genesis. 

An Ohio Representative declares that 
Congress is no place for an honest man. 
Who told him so? 

The old world wouldn't brag so much 
about its fencers if it could see some 
of our statesmen during a recess of 
Congress. 

Reorganizing the G. O. P. presents an 
interesting problem in partial frac- 
tions. 

There doesn't seem to have been even 
a little rift in the loot of the New 
Haven. 

Our idea of a pessimist is a man who 
believes half the terrible predictions in 
the Hearst papers. 



80 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Every pork-bar'l Congressman seems 
to thing he's the colossus of roads. 

Those Pass Christian caddies seem 
to admire Woodrow Wilson almost as 
much as if he were a leading south- 
paw. 

Well, anyway, Secretary Daniels 
can't abolish Davy Jones's locker. 

Dancing maxim (for the "Hesita- 
tion") : 

"He that dallies is a dastard, 
He that doubts is damned." 

"Let me but fill the graves of a coun- 
try, and I care not who makes its 
laws," murmured Paucho, as he lined 
'em up against the adobe. 

It is to be hoped the Wilsonian char- 
iot of State is equipped with mud- 
guards. 

Villa has appointed an American 
surgeon a general in his army— the 
lancers, of course. 

Taking the punch out of the navy 
should put more into it. 

What Belfast needs most is a few by 
popular elections. 

"The sunshine nowhere shines so bright 

As in Charlotte, N. C." 

Carols a Tarheel throstle in the Char- 
lotte Observer. 
Well, maybe so. At any rate, we are 

certain that 

The moonshine nowhere is so white 

As in Asheville, N. C. 

Well, Ferris ought to be able to 
bring home the bacon. 

Other relatives will get a show at 
Kermit Roosevelt's wedding, as papa 
will doubtless content himself with 
performing the ceremony, giving away 
the bride, acting as best man, and 
throwing the old shoes. 

The wild waves roar 

On Jersey's shore. 
But we shall sing of them no more; 

Whene'er we nurse 

A youngling verse 
Joe Patton rises up to curse. 



The New Orleans Picayune surmises 
that by this time the Mexican seat of 
war must be worn out ; still, let's hope 
it'll last until peace can be patched up 

on it. 

* « « 

Stanza One. 
Flagon. 

Stanza Two. 
Jag on. 

Stanza Three. 
Wagon. 

Sometimes we sit and wonder which 
cold storage warehouse Columbus's egg 
is in. 

"Republicans Take in Women," ac- 
cording to a Chicago exchange. They 
used to take in the whole country. 

In Real Life She Doesn't Mind it at All. 
"The Mind-the-Paint Girl" is purely 
a stage character. 

A fellow is near perfection when he 
is with a Columbia girl. 

That the Cincinnati Reds have signed 
"King" Lear is a winter's tale. 

If John Lind were the head of a 
trust, what a grand witness he would 
make! 

Rockefeller advises us to be familiar 
with the Ril>le. Especially with the 
passages where the kings are anointed 
with oil. 

Sometimes in our infrequent periods 
of vanity, we can't help admiring the 
magnificent and unfaltering courage 
which impels us to sit and typewrite 
withering insults at Victoriano Huerta. 

Woodrow Wilson's position is diflS- 
cult enough, but think of what a Mar- 
tian President must go through with 
when a canal tolls question arises ! 

By voting against the opinion of a 
newspaper, you know you are right if 
you don't happen to have mind enough 
to make up an opinion of your own. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



81 



Parisiennes who are wearing leg- 
muffs doubtless figure that beauty is 
only shin deep. 

Dr, Maurice Francis Egan, who is to 
lecture in Eastern universities on 
"Hymns," should by all means include 
some College for Women. 

The government will stop making 50- 
cent pieces, but thank heaven, the 
grand old parsons will keep on making 

better halves. 

« « « 

Probably the real reason the kai.ser 
chops wood is that the crown prince 
made him laugh until he split. 

The demagogue who professes to 
hate the negro is guilty of rank in- 
gratitude. But for the negro, a lot of 
two-legged jackasses would never get 
their lunch-hooks on the public pay- 
roll. 

One can hardly think of John Lind 
breaking silence — he will pi-obably bend 
it gently. 

The worst way to sell a toilet article 
to a woman is to recommend it as the 
latest wrinkle. 

Tom Hood must have dipped into the 
future and seen 'Sephus when he wrote 
in his Comic Annual of "a soda-water 
sea." 

Woodrow Wilson must chuckle when, 
in his message to Congress, he pens a 
sentence beginning, "If I dared, I 
might venture to suggest." 

Secretary Daniels is like a "dress 
improver," in that he has caused a bus- 
tle abaft the waist. 

"Suffragists to Post Bills for the 
Cause."— Headline. Please, ladies, 
make ours a very little one ! 

('asual inspection of the well-known 
sidewalks evidence that the evU that 
men chew also lives after them. 

Some newspapers' idea of a view- 
point seems to be an exclamation 
point. 



Some politicians don't have to die in 
order to lie in state. 

Fashion anatomies : How is a ship- 
wrecked lady in a slit skirt going to 

board a breeches buoy? 
« « « 
The legislature, however, does not go 
far enough. It should provide severe 
punishment for any and all allusions to 

(1) The dark ages. 

(2) Montenegro. 

(3) Local color. 

This May Weather. 
If we could only have our way 

We'd quit our work in skawn. 
And do through the livelong day 

But yawn & yawn & yawn. 

So far as we have been able to ascer- 
tain, it is only in liquor profits that the 

tiger gets the lion's share. 

* * * 

The navy had dry docks, however, 
long before the reign of 'Sephus. 

How the Sultan can spend $15,000,- 
000 for a dreadnaught and at the same 
time dress the harem in the style to 
which it has been accustomed, is more 
than we can fathom. 

If there's anything in the reincarna- 
tion theory. Professor Taft must once 
have been Gurth the Saxon. 

We trust the St. Louis Post-Dis- 
patch's characterization of Champ 
Clark as "the modern Achilles" is not 
an intimation that he's a heeler. 

Paviowa doesn't mind big bills ; she 
foots them so easily. 

Speaking of "books in the running 
brooks," a whole lot of the modern fic- 
tion output ought to be. 

Bores, unlike banks, are never short 
in their accounts. 

"Heads, you lose," chuckled Villa 
gaily, as he showed the Federal prison- 
ers his new guillotine. 

'Tis the day before Easter, and all 
through the house such a trying of 
bonnets on sister and spouse! 



82 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



What a fine man George Washington 
might have been had his parents known 
about eugenics ! 

Dr. Eliot says the Eden story is a 
jolie. A side-splitter on Adam, at any 

rate! 

* • • 

Boston's new slogan, "0-0-0" was 
doubtless adopted just after the town 
finished its Christmas shopping. 

Judge Speer is said to have made 
Georgia lawyers his butts, and it looks 
now as if they are going to make Judge 
Speer the goat. 

If she who hesitates is lost, is the 
tangoess to be considered pretty safe? 

A Cabotlodgecal speech seldom con- 
vinces. 

* * * 

Modern fashions of women are not to 
be taken seriously — they are extremely 

figurative. 

* * * 

It's hard for Colombia to realize that 
the saying "Honesty is the best policy" 
originated with an American. 

The simple subjunctive : Leonard 
Wood. 

Goes without saying — John Lind. 

Want advertising — ^politicians. 

Goethals evidently would rather be 
the king of spades than the king of 

clubs. 

* * * 

Considering that there are only Ten 
Commandments to break, some men do 
pretty well. 

The State will print free of charge 
the names of all jingo Congressmen 
who volunteer for the war. 

Greece seems to regret that she ever 
took a shine to Italy. 

You Bet. 
It's a rare household where the bet- 
ter half isn't the whole thing. 

Photographs of Haytian rebel lead- 
ers remind us of a box of chocolates. 



Even without the b, bills would still 
be ills. 

"Dese sure am Mexicating times," 
remarked the office porter, in blissful 
ignorance that he had said something. 

A friend in need is frequently a 
friend snubbed. 

The picture of health is usually in a 
good frame of mind. 

Mexican Congress gives no free 
seeds, but Villa is doing a great deal 

of planting. 

* « * 

James Bryce has been reduced to the 
peerage. 

It should be called the House of Mis- 
hapsburg. 

« « # 

At present prices, a dollar to a 
doughnut is almost an even money bet. 

Still, the Colonel's silence does not 
leave the bull moose band-wagon spoke- 
less. 

As we analyze the affair, the Bir- 
mingham News and the Montgomery 
Advertiser regard Cap'n Hobson as 
about as useful as the ph in phthisis. 

Prominent English aviators are 
almost as unanimous in commending 
'Frisco's globe-circling competition as 
in positively refusing to enter it. 

The esteemed New York Sun's car- 
toon showing an octopus shinnying up 
a telegraph pole luckily finds the Great 
Naturalist several thousand miles 
away. 

Barking demagogues seldom bite. 

Doesn't the millionaire who has mar- 
ried a teelphone girl know she has 
accepted rings from lots of other men? 

Good men, as a rule, do a lot of loud 
talking in politics and flunk ignomin- 
iously when the time comes to act. 
But the bad men stick together and 
work like beavers, and the morning 
after election the good men sit up with 
a groan and wonder what hit 'em. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



83 



By this time the legislature probably 
agrees with Hon. Alexander Pope that 
"Words are like leaves; and where 

they most abound 
Much fruit of sense beneath is rarely 

found." 

The Buffalo News says that the 
Shadd-Roe nuptials have been solemn- 
ized in Denver, but that sounds fishy. 

And now the shoe trust is in the 
courts. These are indeed the times 

that try men's soles. 

* * * 

The pronouncement of a Harvard pro- 
fessor that "man is sweetest when he 
is angry" will be received with much 
interest in Fijian social circles. 

TJie Inspired Compositor. 
(From the Kalamazoo Telegraph- 
Press. ) 
From the number of prominent wo- 
men who are accused in crimes in dif- 
ferent parts of the country w^e are led 
to believe that Rudyard Kipling was 
not so very far off when he said, "For 
the female of the species is more deadly 

than a mule." 

# * * 

In saving things for a rainy day, a 
good many girls begin with silli stock- 
ings. 

Tut! Tut! 
A modest man is Mr. Wrenn, 

So much so it's distressing ; 
He always blushes deeply when 

He sees the salad dressing. 

Foolish Questions. 
Could you call a drunken plumber a 
pied piper? Or dressmakers Daughters 
of the Revelation? 

On the Sea Islands. 

"Scip," said the stranger, "how near 
do you go to the rind when you eat a 
melon ?" 

"Well, boss, de ha'at ain' nutten to a 
man like me, and w'en I gits troo de 
seed I tek a breat' an' fin' my way troo 
de color, whey'e red 'e sweet. Den I 
scrape um a little an' drink de jooce. 
Dat bring me whey de green biggin." 

"Well?" 



"Den, boss, if I is by myself I ain' 
gwine lef much ob dat coolin' stuff; an' 
ef any ob dese yer lazy triflin' niggers 
is standin' round' ob cose I gits my 
dander up an' finish de million." 

It is, no doubt, too much to hope that 
the statesmen who sneak down to the 
front door at 6 a. m. to get the morn- 
ing newspaper have resolved to swear 
off their customary communications to 
the editor, beginning, "My attention 
has been called to a piece in your 
paper," etc. 

"Savannah's superiority to Atlanta in 
a moral way." — Savannah Morning 
News. The superiority of any city to 
Atlanta in a moral way is so obvious as 

to require no iteration. 

* * * 

Many of us have a nodding acquaint- 
ance with Laureate Bridges' poems. 

The Pessimist Says : 
Knock, and the world knocks with 
you. Boost, and you boost alone. 

In declaring that Emerson is our 
greatest poet, A. Noyes certainly does. 

The chief idea in the attempts to 
reform the tango is, of course, to put it 
on a better footing. 

Delaware's whipping of prisoners at 
least teaches us tlie origin of the term 
"common weal." 

Settlement workers — bill collectors. 

Postmastership is a noun that is sel- 
dom declined. 

Alabama contemporary calls Cap'n 
Hobson "childish." Sort of Cap'n Kidd, 
as it were, eh? 

If a man who kills a him commits 
homicide, if he kills a her does he com- 
mit herpicide? 

» • » 

We trust that the ossified man now 
on exhibition in Chester is not a hard- 
ened sinner. 

# » » 

Wisconsin must provide reasonable 
doctors' fees, or it will be the I. O. 
eugenics law. 



84 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



"There is a change coming," says Sec- 
retary Bryan. We'd feel happier if he 
had omitted the article. 

Every now and then two women get 
on the street car and don't have a long 
argument over who'll pay the fare for 
both. 

The h. c. of 1. is still a-soaring. But 
there is one consolation. The Buck- 
wheat Trust hasn't yet shouted : 

"Batter up !" 

The Montgomery Times wants to 
know if Underwood is getting any cam- 
paign funds from Tom Ryan, and a 
Hobson editor sternly declares that "no 
Christian can vote for Oscar W. Under- 
wood." One of the worst things about 
politics is that it makes good and 
otherwise sensible men say such fool 
things. 

We cordially indorse Franklin Roose- 
velt's suggestion of a monument to de 
Grasse. To neglect our manifest duty 
to the memory of this great and good 
man were to advertise ourselves as 
shameless and monumental ingrates. 
By the way, who was he? 

Now that China has given Mr. Rock- 
hill a fine job, Mr. Gaffney is talked 
about in New York, and the cruiser 
Chester is mentioned in the Vera Cruz 
dispatches, Sumter, Orangeburg and 
Florence wish that their namesakes, if 
such there be, would snag a little bit of 
limelight. 

Some Northern society women are so 
peculiar that they seem to be almost as 
fond of the baby as of the poodle. 

A big traffic squad is always neces- 
sary on the way of the transgressor. 

However, it is no news to George's 
shade that Martha Washington had a 
will of her own. 

Something really ought to be done 
about present-day fashions. Here's a 
West Virginia paper announcing that 
a lady attorney entered the court room, 
"dressed in a smart hat and high- 
heeled shoes." 



New England lady who wants to 
swap husbands with some damsel hints 
at another angle of this woman's ex- 
change business. 

Speaking of mixed metaphors, hark 
to the Atlanta Georgian. "And yet," 
remarks that paper, "this is the Chinese 
shoe which a browbeaten people are 
allowing narrow officialdom to fasten 
on the head of Atlanta." 

Secretary Bryan did not attend the 
New York premiere of "Omar Khay- 
yam," therefore the line "Fill me with 
the old, familiar juice" was not 

encored. 

» ♦ » 

The Houston Post brags that the en- 
tire national banking capitalization and 
surplus of South Carolina is less than 
a million more than that of Houston 
alone, indicating that it got hold of one 
of those 1881 reports. 

"Can you give some important events 
that occurred on Fridays?" — Houston 
Post. 

We did, for one. 

The Richmond committee is en route 
to Palmettodom, and the two Greenville 
papers are out with frantic indorse- 
ments of Richmond for the bank, but it 
is of no use. Those thirsty Tarheels 
didn't leave even a sip in their suit- 
cases. 

Russia is naturally doing the hesita- 
tion. That is where all the Steppes are. 

Judging by its slowness in Mexico, 
the dove of peace must be a turtle dove. 

Huerta says that Mexico is like a 
snake. It may encourage the jingoes to 
reflect that the Mexican flag depicts 
an eagle holding a snake in its mouth. 

Mr. Henry Ford is all right, but as 
we remember our "Quo Vadis," the 
lions in the Colosseum arena were the 
first prophet-sharers. 

President Wilson apparently wants 
Big Business's contract with Uncle Sam 
to include "love" and "honor" as well 
as "obey." 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



85 



Robert Bridges, in a poetic eulogy of 
Burns, says that he 
"With Doi'ic rhyme erewhile 
Taught English bards to mend their 

style." 
One would never imagine it, judging by 
Mr. Bridges. 

We suppose we had better inform the 
Charlotte News that we feel the muse 
a-stirriug and a-rampaging within us — 
that is, if it isn't indigestion — and that 
a chaste ode or two will probably turn 

up this week. 

« « « 

Theodore Roosevelt has his own opin- 
ion of an administration that is always 
cutting out the muffler. 

Vice-President Marshall cares not 
who makes the laws of the nation, if 
only he can make its epigrams. 

Solomon had a big reputation for 
wisdom, but he never had to decide 
when to lay down two pair. 

Still, just because Mr. Bryan travels 
so much is absolutely no excuse for in- 
sinuating that he is a Bill of fare. 

You have noticed, we suppose, that 
the small hours are usually chosen for 
big times. 

The Pankhurst girls may call Emme- 

line "mummy," but she doesn't dry up. 

« » » 

A stitch in time would help many a 
modern dauseuse. 

Some men always keep their word 
because nobody will take it. 

"Use your siren in your car," invites 
an advertisement. H'm ; how old is 
she? 

"Paddy" is strictly a masculine nick- 
name, but it would suit a lot of women. 

A man may be a durn fool, but if he 
keeps his mouth shut most of the time 
he is certain to accumulate a reputa- 
tion as a profound philosopher. 

* * * 

Speaking of unconscious puns, Giff 
Pinchot earnestly declares that "Pen- 
rose is only the flower of a system." 



An Astor baby by any other name 
would cry as much. 

Lillian Russell avers that "Every 
woman feels better for a flake of pow- 
der on her nose." A flake can't hurt, 
Lill., but so many women seem to think 
a snow-storm is necessary. 

If Murphy is New York's man higher 
up he's lying pretty low. 

Now that it has turned down equal 
suffrage, why not call it Mistersippi? 

Love makes the world go round, but a 
pint of North Ca'lina corn runs it close 
in that line. 

A Georgia Congressman has gone 
home to attend the funeral of his old 
"mammy." "Nigger-lover" ! Traitor to 
the race ! 

Congressman Curley, who has just 
been elected mayor of Boston, began a 
recent speech with these words : "Now 
you pickpockets and crapshooters, I am 
going to make myself heard if it takes 
until 6 o'clock in the morning, when 
you fellows are out at your occupation 
of stealing milk." Only the accident 
of birth deprived Mr. Curley of the cer- 
tainty of winning great eminence in 
South Carolina politics. 

Gilbert and Sullivan Note. 
Coincidently with the New York Hip- 
podrome's revival of "Pinafore," the 
White House Stock Co. announces the 
immediate discontinuance of "Patience." 

Boycotted iy Hon. Hermann Bidder. 
French-fried potatoes. 

" heels. 

" leave. 

" horns. 
Paris green. 

Should Be Good Baseball Totcns. 
Pitcher, N. Y. 
Slide, Tex. 
Hitt, Mo. 
Fanning, Kans. 
Diamond, Ga. 
Curve, Va. 

Mary Garden has lost her wardrobe, 
but that's nothing. 



86 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



"German Emperor Issues Still An- 
other Address." — Headline. 

Hock der Geyser ! 

What Heaux! 
There was an old man of Bordeaux 
Who said, "What! me fight? Neaux, 
neaux ! 
In the good old days I 
Was a quite speedy guy, 
But now I'm entirely too sleaux." 

You can tell a college student by his 
hat, and the ex-student by the fact that 
he is afraid to wear one like it. 

Knells. 
The shrill blasts whistle 

Through the trees, 
And sound the knell 

Of B. V. D.'s. 

If the tie that binds the hyphenated 
American is not cut it is not the fault 

of Woodrow Wilson's caustic inferences. 

* * * 

Even SJcirts Are Higher. 
The uplift has come into its own 
these windy days. 

This Colyiwi's Position. 
Just now, Mr. President, Maxims 
might help more than maxims. 

Almost all of Secretary Bryan's pic- 
tures are speaking likenesses. 

Sounds Logical. 
(From the Albany, N. Y. Argus.) 
Almost every one who ever lived or 
is living has died or will die. 

Our information is that the Mexican 
suffragettes, also, are rebelliously in- 
clined. 

Of "tongues in trees" the poet writ. 

'Tis true, methiuks, for hark ! 
Somewhere within those leafy woods 

We heard the dogwood bark. 

We wish our creditors' stationery 
would discontinue its enveloping move- 
ment. 

"Let the calves grow," urges a Pitts- 
burgh exchange. The male admonition 
is rather, "Let the calves show." 



Anyway, the Germans saw one Sep- 
tember Marne. 

Strong for Intervention. 
War, W. Va. 
Battle, La. 
Scrap, Tex. 
Kilgore, N. C. 
Gore, Okla. 
Slaughter, Tex. 
Hearst, Cal. 

Our Mr. Dooley Says : 
"Aven tho' I'm an ould batch, Hin- 
nissey, I'm wid ould S'iut Paul that 
'It's betther', he sez, 'to marry', he sez, 
'thin to rread Burrns,' he sez." 

Marriage is about the only form of 
punishment in which there is no com- 
mutation for good behavior. 

* * * 

The Horrors of War. 
"Isn't It terrible," quoth Mrs. Mala- 
prop, looking up from her morning 
paper. "Here's an aeroplane dropping 
bombs on them poor Parasites !" 

Isn't It So? 
Lives of demagogues remind us 

We can make a din infernal. 
And, departing, leave behind us 

Four-inch headlines in the journal. 

Liberia has proclaimed its neutrality. 
This takes a tremendous weight off the 
minds of the warring powers. 

The Reverend Gentleman Gets the 
Hook, 
"Militants Bait a Bishop." — New 
York Times. 

We see that the United Fruit Com- 
pany's ships have come under the star 
spangled banana. 

The more sugar goes up, the less 
will go down. 

"Buckwheat soars." Case of batter 
up, eh? 

Horrors ! 
"Isn't it awful!" exclaimed Mrs. Mal- 
aprop, "They tell me that the Swiss 
have blockaded the Simpleton tunnel." 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES, 



87 



Helps Some. 
There's one good thing 

About this war : 
It cuts off news 

Of Harry Thaw. 

The Colonel is rushing home so fast 
that one can almost see the whites of 
his "I's." 

The man who provided in his will 
that his wife should get an extra hun- 
dred thousand dollars on remarriage 
may merely have been that sort of 
vengeful person who is not willing to 
carry his grouch to the grave. 

Wc See a Lot of Sisters Who Do. 
(Want ad. in Ohio State Journal.) 
DO EASY, pleasant coloring work at 
home. 

A Prolific Coiv. 
(From the Topfeka Journal.) 
Full-blooded cows for sale, giving 
milk, three tons of hay, a lot of chick- 
ens and several stoves. 

Too Much of a Good Thing. 
And just when we thought these un- 
derworld exposures were over, Etna 

and Vesuvius had to break out ! 

* « « 

You Know the Kind. 
Some guys talk big of gore they'll spill. 
And blood they'll wade in to their 
knees ; 
But the recruiting sergeant will 
Enlist naught but their sympathies. 

Uneasy lies the head that wears a 
fez. 

Indications are that the meek don't 

find much of Europe to inherit. 

« « * 

The Latest Revision. 
Uneasy lies the head that wears a 
sombrero. 

In a Manner of Speaking. 
Pi counters — Bars. 

The world is growing better. Mary 
Garden was recently observed in Paris 
wearing an air of indifference. 



Ex-Secretary of the Navy Tracey was 
eighty-four years of age yesterday, and 
proved it by an interview in which he 
declared that it was a great mistake 
not to recognize Huerta as President of 
Mexico. 

« « # 

Some Republican editors, in announc- 
ing that they will lay aside politics and 
stand by the President in this emer- 
gency, always try to make it appear 
that their magnanimous declaration is 
all the administration was waiting for. 



Roosevelt stumped Maine. 
Maine certainly reciprocated. 



And 



Russia may be winning pronounced 
successes, but we can't pronounce' em! 

Bernard Shaw says he doesn't smoke. 
Probably prefers newspaper puffs. 

Necessity, it appears, may also be the 

mother of intervention. 

* » * 

The fighting man who captures an 
Austrian or German officer usually 
takes the count. 

Mexicans and Texicans — all vexi- 
cans. 

Down in Maine — the G. O. P. 

« * * 

Tired ! 
"Roosevelt has a chat with Perk!" 
" settles down to work !" 

" writes a hundred letters I" 

" claims we are his debtors !" 

" chops down thirty trees !" 

" dines on ham and peas !" 

" with some Moose con- 

spires !" 
" calls his foemen liars !" 

tells his record fully!" 
" shouts 'By George' and 

'Bully !' " 
" takes a country walk !" 

" says he will not talk!" 

" leaves The Outlook force!" 

" is a little hoarse !" 

" dons a Palm Beach suit!" 

" whacks Elihu Root!" 

" buys a black slouch hat !" 

" this and Roosevelt that!" 

Lord ! how awfully tired we are 
Of headlines black concerning T. R. ! 



88 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Some call it "Wilson luck." The rest 
of us know it for Wilson pluck. 

Generous to a fault — The owner 
thereof. 

A Tcry Dear Subject. 
Now that it's all over, did you notice 
the unction with which the sweet girl 
grad. commencement speakers de- 
claimed, "God give us men"? 

Bifds of Burgs. 
Pigeonroost, Ky. 
Lark, N. D. 
Parrott, Ky. 
Sparrow, Ky. 
Swan, Texas. 
Swallows, Ky 
Wren, S. C. 
Crow, W. Va. 
Blue Jay, W. Va. 
Nightingale, Ala. 
Redbird, Neb. 

Fatal Spots. 

(From the Rector, Ark., Newsboy.) 

John Doe climbed on the roof of his 

house last week looking for a leak and 

fell, sticking himself on the back porch. 

While Harold Green was escorting 

Miss Violet Wise from the church 

social last Saturday night a savage dog 

attacked them and bit Mr. Green 

several times on the public square. 

* * # 

Safety First. 
If a body meet a body 

Who is full of rye, 
Take a tip, and pass that body 
Very quickly by. 

More Everyday Whoppers. 

"1 wouldn't marry the best man on 
earth." 

"Standing Room Only." 

"Sorry, ma'am ; she's just gone out." 

"I have not taken a drink for six 
months." 

"I dislike circuses myself, but you 
know I have to take the children." 

"At the solicitation of many friends 
I hereby announce my candidacy." 

"You can't believe much you see in 
the newspapers." 

"Positively No Smoking." 

"Speed Limit 15 Miles an Hour." 



Famous Simple Indicatives. 
Job E. Hedges. 
John D. Works. 
William J. Burns. 
Martin Dies. 
William Dean Howells 
John Burroughs. 
John Kendrick Bangs. 
Anna Held. 
Lew Fields. 
John Drew. 
Philander C. Knox. 

Definition. 
A campaign lie is something that 
your crowd didn't think of starting to 
circulate first. 

The Courthouse. 
It's always full of noises shrill ; 

This no man can refute; 
For when no one's breaking a will 

Somebody is filing a suit. 

Judging by the way the banks are 
crowding each other to accept the pro- 
visions of the new currency bill, all the 
hurrah was mostly Vanderlip. 

A Wise Old Guy. 

"Sir Thomas Lipton Bound This 
Way." — Headline. 

The knight cometh whom no man 
can work. 

Au Contraire, As We French Say. 
There's one phrase that gives us of- 
fence. 

Hence this complaint : 
They talk a lot of "common sense" ; 

It ain't! 

Our More or Less National Airs. 

"The Star Spangled Banner" — sung 
to an English tune, "Anacreon in 
Heaven." 

"Maryland, My Maryland" — sung to 
a German tune, "O Tannenbaum." 

"Dixie" — sung to Emmet's minstrel 
air. 

"America" — sung to an English tune, 

"God Save the King." 

* « « 

If this paragraphical strain on Car- 
ranza's whiskers continues, we may be 
forced to take down his wiregrass 
entanglements. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



89 



What Meanest Thou, "of Both Sexes"? 
(Dispatch to the Spartanburg Journal) 
The populace is beginning to become 
crazy. The streets are full of old 
women of both sexes who conduct 
themselves in an unworthy manner. 

Ballade of Forgotten Booze. 
We have read all about the knights of 
old, 
How they fought for their ladies 
fair ; 
And many a monkish chronicler's told 

Us the color of Guinevere's hair ; 
Now, this is the question I'm mostly 
concerned in, 
And it can not be answered, I think : 
Not what kind of marble those old 
knights are urned in. 
But what kind of rye did they drink? 

How many tumblers could Galahad 
hold 
Without hopping up from his chair. 
And wielding on high a big flagon of 
cold 
Sack, swat Gawaine on the ear? 
I've said before, I'm not vastly con- 
cerned in 
The knight that from fear would not 
shrink, 
But when in the morning the Round 
Table turned in. 
And what kind of rye did they drink? 

I've bought musty parchments for their 
weight in gold ; 
Pre-Renaissauce manuscripts rare; 
I've searched thro' old vellums, and 
rolls that were scrolled 
In some immemorial year; 
And while I've learned much, this much 
I'm not learned in : 
In what social club did they slink? 
How tight they all got, whose room 
they adjourned in, 
And — what kind of rye did they 

drink? 

« « * 

"The Negation of Things Sacred in 
American Ideals" is what the Phila- 
delphia Public Ledger calls poor Boies 
Penrose — yet there are those who com- 
plain about the use of dum dum bul- 
lets. 



Want to Lighten Things Up? 

(Ad. in the Buffalo News.) 

WANTED — Light or red-haired girl in 

small apartment. 

« • • 

If you have been following the war 
news faithfully, you will have observed 
that the forward pass is as much of a 
failure this year as it has been since 

it was first inaugurated. 

« » ♦ 

"Many trusts," says Senator Martine, 
"are in our midst." Quick, nurse, the 
paragoric ! 

It is highly appropriate that the war 
should have taken the Saint out of 

St. Petersburg. 

» » » 

Can't Blame Her. 
To every man she gives a kiss ; 

How bold it is of Sue; 
But then you must excuse the miss — 

You see, she's only two. 

* * * 

Uncle Toby's army that swore so 
terribly in Flanders is having many 

imitators. 

« » » 

Some of these war correspondents 
would certainly make wonderful fish- 
ermen. 

« » • 

"American Students Enlist." — Ox- 
ford dispatch. Another good Rhodes 

movement. 

• • • 

The Professor to Be Opened. 
(From the Greenville News.) 
The weekly dance and opening of 
Prof. Gordon at Chick Springs hotel, 
Friday night, will be one of the prin- 
cipal social events of the season at 

this charming resort. 

* * * 

Still, the Sick Man of Europe isn't 
the only one. Germany has its Aix. 

Any one remember Archibald Claver- 
ing Gunter? Of course not! All too 
young. But Mr. Barnes of New York 
is still on the job ! 

# w « 

A Dream. 
Last night I dreamed a funny dream ; 

It was so queer that I 
Can not, who Sister Truth esteem. 

Attribute it to pie. 



90 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Within that dream old Huerta's face 
Showed up distinct, and zounds! 

The man was playing second base 
Up at the Polo Grounds! 

Cap Hobson from a low saloon 
With reeling steps did slink. 

While Clark and Bryan, comrades boon, 
Had "jush annuzzer drink." 

King George upon a London stage 
Cried "Votes for women!" loud, 

And Mrs. Pankhurst, red with rage. 
Urged on the jeering crowd. 

A campaign scene my rapt gaze took, 

Void of all vim or fire; 
No candidate yelled, "You're a crook !" 

Nor heard back, "You're a liar!" 

Last night I dreamed a funny dream; 

It was so queer that I 
Can not, who Sister Truth esteem, 

Attribute it to pie. 

« * • 

To Yictoriano Huerta. 
We don't love you. General Huerta ; 

You have caused more woe and 
crime 
Than we really can or care to 

Tell about in this here rime. 
You're a bully, you're a bounder, 

And a braggart, too, old Vic; 
Gossip calls you a bad rounder. 

Also a saloonatic. 

You're a crook, so Villa tells us. 

And you're always on a bat; 
But there's just one thing compels us 

To impart the secret that 
We've a sneaking admiration 

For a fellow who will talk 
Back to a two-fisted nation 

That's the cock of all the walk. 

When Marse Woodrow's legions finish 
With your ochre-colored gents, 

All your glories will diminish 
To the size of 30 cents. 

But meanwhile, we are no traitor 
To the grand old flag we serve 

If we say to you, Dictator, 

That we kinder like your nerve! 

* ♦ » 

Paris feels the pinch of poverty. 
Even the Venus de Milo is stone broke. 



"The Follies of 191^." 
We trust that Billie Burke won't find 
her first mate a skipper. 

They Certainly Hate to Lose Those 
Pegs. 
"Peg o' My Heart, I'll Miss You," 
murmured the naval officer, as he took 

a farewell toddy. 

* • • 

Fortunately, No Statute Covers This 
Offense. 
Would it be proper to refer to Indian 

reservations as the po' Lo grounds? 

« « * 

Only One Guess as to the First. 
Col. Roosevelt is nearing the mouth 
of the Amazon, the second largest one 
in the world. 

Aftermath's Sentiments. 
Let the Prussian cannon roar, 

Vive la France ! 
Let them fill the plains with gore, 

Vive la France ! 
Let the fierce-mustacheod Kaiser 
Spout addresses like a geyser ; 
Vive absinthe ! a bas Budweiser ! 

Vive la France ! 

« » « 

Sounds Logical. 
"A butter is a goat, that's clear," 

Said flippant little Fanny; 
"Which being so, I greatly fear 

A buttress is a nanny." 

Who's Zoo in Europe. 

The Lion. 

The Bear. 

The Belgian Hare. 

The Double Eagle. 

The Annual Pilgrimage. 
A hint of Fall is in the air. 

And chilly winds are almost here. 
Soon to Unc. Moses we must tote 

Some kale to get our overcoat. 

* * * 

Propinquity. 
If I were but the Sturdy Oak, 

And you the Clinging Vine; 
If you were but the golden sheaf, 

And I the binder-twine. 
If you were but the Irish Sea, 

And I the Isle of Man ; 
If I were only Fulton Street, 

And you, my dear, were Ann ! 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



91 



The Pessimistic Editor. 
(From the Pineville (Ga.) Herald.) 
If we are to stand for our women 
folks wearing shadow skirts and slit 
skirts and transparent skirts, and our 
younger women learning to dance the 
boll-weevil wiggle, the Texas tommy, 
tango, the bunny hug, the bear dance, 
the half-canter, the buzzard lope and 
the puppy huddle and so on down the 
line, then the men folks might as well 
have their saloons and highballs and 
the whole push go to h — 1 together. 

Believe me that all these endearing 
young charms 
That I gaze on so fondly today, 
May be hidden from view by a hoop- 
skirt, perhaps. 
By the first of next April or May. 

Fighting against long odds is one of 
the best little things England does. 

Another Sort. 

Will Be News to Julius. 

(From The Tampa Tribune.) 

"Of all Gaul the Bulgarians are the 

most warlike." So said Julius Caesar 

centuries ago. 

Especially Spouse's. 
Open letters — Wives. 

Bad Places for Doctors. 
Wellman, la. 
Health, Ark. 
Hale, N. C. 
Hardy, Cal. 
Heartwell, Neb 
Hygiene, Col. 

How They Say "I Should Worry." 
German — "Ich sollte mlch sorgen." 
French — "Que je me troublerais." 
Italian — "Vorrei tormentor mi." 
Spanish — "Seria atormentado." 
Swedish — "Jag skulla grubbla." 
Yiddish — "Isch ka bibble." 
Bohemian — "Mam se starat." 
Polish — Ja sie man klopotac." 
Danish — "Jag skudle sorge" 
Finnish — Minako surisin." 
Japanese — "Hoya moya." 
Norwegian — "Jeg skulde Sorge." 



He left no footprints on time's sands 

Did wicked Mr. Kumz, 
But on the police blotter he 

Left prints of both his thumbs. 

Vic. Should Worry. 
"The Yankees have captured Tam- 

pico !" 
Cried a courier, name of Matico. 
But Huerta said, "Mat, 
We won't talk about that; 
Let's open a bottle of Clicquot!" 

Austria wouldn't have to seek loans 
if she hadn't borrowed trouble. 

Yes. 
Before the average man casts his 
bread upon the waters, he is usually 
careful to wait until the tide is com- 
ing in. 

Woodshed Reminiscences. 
Almost every fellow can remember 
when his father was a strapping young 
man. 

» ♦ » 

Significant. 
Every little army movement has a 
meaning all its own. 

Perverted Proverbs. 

War deferred maketh the Heart sick. 

Spare the rod and spoil the Mexican. 

Disorder is Mexico's first law. 

Ultimatums never come singly. 

Whom the gods destroy, they first 
make Mex. 

All things come to those who watch 
and wait. 

Defy in haste and repent at leisure. 
Barking dogs of war sometimes bite. 

Dreadnaughts speak louder than 
words. 

# » ♦ 

Washington threw a dollar across 
the Potomac. French and Joffre are 

throwing a sovereign across the Rhine. 

* * * 

The Cynic Says: 
To make a quarrel it takes two, 

The proverb says; but, son, 
The biggest fuss I ever knew 

Came when two were made one. 

The superintendent of schools ad- 
vises early purchases of school books, 
Georgraphies, also? 



92 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Musical Toivns. 
Strausville, Neb. 
Verdi, Va. 
Wagner, Fla. 
Chopin, La. 
Weber, Ark. 
Mozart, Pa. 

Huerta's Lament. 
Occupation is vexation; 

Mediation is as bad; 
The A. B. C. dota bother me, 

And Woodrow drives me mad. 

When Sam Johnson Turned Over in 

His Orave. 

(The Rev. Jefferson, in a New York 

sermon.) 

" 'Tis sad, nevertheless too true, that 

in many instances, as Ben Johnson 

says, 'Patriotism is the last refuge of 

a scoundrel.' " 

« « « 

What Fine Weather We're Having. 
(From the Mercyville, la.. Banner.) 

Mrs. Parmeuter of Des Moines will 
be at the hotel Saturday with all her 

hair. 

• • • 

George Washington is gratefully re- 
membered for being first in war ; 
Woodrow Wilson will be gratefully 
remembered for having been last in 

war. 

• • • 

The old-fashioned man who speaks 
of "Proosher" and "Roosher" was at 
last accounts still in front of The 

State's bulletin board. 

« « « 

Heard on the street car : "They 
have put the Palace of Rimes, where 
Joanna Dark was crowned Queen of 
France, on the blink!" 

The King of the Tonga Islands has 
declared his neutrality, and every Eu- 
ropean chancellory breathes a mighty 
sigh of relief. 

• • • 

It is to be hoped that the world- 
wide movement to persuade the belli- 
gerents to respect ancient monuments 
and objects of art will not go so far as 
to preserve that row of statues of the 
Hohenzollerns in Berlin. 



American ragtime is popular in Ger- 
many, but it is thought that those "It's 
a bear !" refrains are now severely 

frowned upon. 

* « « 

The Terrible Turk is as free with 
scraps of paper as the old style stage 
manager who used to create the snow 

scene in "The Two Orphans." 
« • * 
The Red Cross ship, having crossed 
out its politics, has taken the wave in 

search of Romance. 

* * # 

Vic. Huerta might at least have sent 
a cablegram of regrets to those Balti- 
more flag saluters. 

The estimable Georgetown Times 
chides us for using the split infinitive. 
Specify, brother, specify ! 

Elbert Hubbard says Norman Hap- 
good belongs in the Ananias Club. The 
doorkeeper ought to know. 

Steamship aground off Jersey coast 
probably knows all about the offensive 

abilities of the skeeter fleet. 

•» « « 

British armies are said coolly to be 
taking hot tea on the battlefields. The 

next best thing to cold grape-juice. 

* » • 

Once it was, "Lyons opposed liberty ; 
Lyons is no more." Now it is, "Lou- 
vain defended liberty ; Louvain is no 
more." 

Naturally, all salacious and morbid 
New York turned out for the opening 
night of a play that was called "Inno- 
cent." 

* • • 

A High Tribute. 
Events of the last few days have 
tremendously increased, if that be pos- 
sible, our admiration of President Wil- 
son's knack of doing the right thing 
at the right time. We can really pay 
the Prexy no loftier tribute than that 
of the negro reverend to the white 
preacher who promised to occupy his 
pulpit one Sunday : "Dis noted divine 
is one of de greatest men of de age. 
He knows de onknowable, he kin do 
de ondoable, and he kin onscrew de 
onscrutable !" 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



93 



It's just as well Sayville is silent. 
No family newspaper could print what 

SayvUle would like to say just now. 

* * * 

"Tut-tut's" Successor. 
Loyal Democratic editors are now 

referring to it as the Guff of Mexico. 

* « * 

Why Not? 
Would it be permissible to speak of 

histories of Mexico as scrapbooks? 

-» » » 

Siege Vittles. 
I do not care much for horse meat, 

I am not strong on snail ; 
When I think what that town must 
eat 
Words of description fail. 
Roast dog, broiled sparrow, prime ribs 
of cat 
Do NOT appeal to me. 
Hence this pean of rejoicing that 
1 am not in Paree. 

What's Your Idea? 
"What," asks Mr. Bryan, "is more 
mysterious than an egg?" Offhand, we 

should say, boarding-house hash. 
» • • 
"Villa declares that Carranza has 
the brain of a Saxon and the soul of a 
Latin. And the whiskers of a Long 
Islander. And the nerve of an At- 
iantan. 

Before going too far with this mat- 
ter of Pan-American good offices, it 
would be well to having it definitely 
understood in advance who it is they 

intend to pan. 

* • • 

Jim McGilvray Exults. 
(From the Pee Dee Daily.) 
I am so overjoyed with victory that 
I feel like the old woman at the big 
meeting when she jumped up in church 
and shouted : "Glory to God. I feel 
like I am in Beelzebub's bosom." The 
preacher said : "Oh, no, sister. Not 
Beelzebub, surely." She said : "Well, 
so it's some of them old Patriarchs, I 
don't care a cuss which one." 

Modern rifles have an effective range 
of 2,800 yards in battle, but their bul- 
lets hit pay envelopes three thousand 
miles and more away. 



Shakspere. 

Something is rotten in the state of 
(censored). 

He is a soldier fit to stand by (cen- 
sored ) . 

And give direction. 

A (censored) come to judgment! yea! 
a (censored). 

When shall we three meet again? 

In (censored), (censored), or in (cen- 
sored) ? 

I am no orator, as (censored) is. 

My business in this state 

Makes me a looker-on here in (cen- 
sored ) . 

The Amende Honorable. 
(From the Council Grove, Kan., 
Guard.) 
The "Guard" stated last week that 
Mr. Sackett broke his collar bone. We 
saw him on the street Tuesday and 
learned it was not his collar bone but 
his wrist bone that is broken. But 
considering the human frame has 250 
bones, we think we did pretty well to 
get as close to the right one as we 
did. The collar bone is easier broken 
anyway and we desired to make the 

matter as light on our friend Sackett. 

« » « 

David and Goliath. 
When old Goliath in his might 
Upreared himself to his full height 
And buckled on his arms for war 
He struck all peoples dumb with awe. 
A roar of laughter 'scaped him when 
Slim David strutted down the glen ; 
"Just watch me put a classy crimp," 
He bellowed, "in that puny shrimp !" 

For more details along this line 
See Samuel, 17 :49. 

Once more Goliath takes the field 
With broad-sword, battle-axe and 

shield ; 
Once more with but an humble sling 
There stands a David challenging. 
Be true thine eye and firm thy hand. 
And from the azure Danube's strand 
Speed the stone, Servia ; nor cringe 
Now that at last thou mayest avenge 
The insults of the centuries 
And bring the bully to his knees! 



94 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



In a Quandary. 
Jean Baptiste Sergius Schwartzmann 

Jones 
Filled all the air with dismal groans. 
"This sure is~ tough," he wailed. "You 

see 

I just can't place my sympathy !" 

• * * 

Even Paw is Adle to Take a Little 
Nourishment. 

(Tomahawk Corr. Marshall, Ark., Re- 
publican. ) 
The stork called at the home of Mr. 

and Mrs. Lindsay Stone on July 18 and 

left a girl baby, all parties doing fine. 

• • • 

Easy Way to Title. 
Some men are born Colonels, some 
achieve Colonelhood, and some have 
Colonelhood thrust upon them, espe- 
cially Northern visitors who take care 
to tip the hackman a dime. 
« * * 

In Darkest Manhattan. 
(From the New York Evening MaD.) 

Lynch Sisters at Fancy Dress Ball. 

» • » 

Illustrated Baseball — A Double. 

Ain't it the Truth? 
When a man lets you talk to him a 
lot about yourself he is an Entertain- 
ing Conversationalist. AVhen he insists 
on talking a little about himself he is 
an Awful Bore. 

« « « 

The college president just chosen 
President of Santo Domingo will need 

to keep all his faculties about him. 

• • • 

It is understood that the gallant 
Frenchmen have tied Mary Garden's 
wardrobe, lost in Europe, to the lance 
that leads the charge. 
» # » 

"Ribs, 11 1-2 cents," says a Chicago 
dispatch. Another item in the high 
cost of Loving. 



Woodrow Wilson is making 
history than he ever wrote. 



more 



From all indications it appears that 
after today the only way of recog- 
nizing a Virginia gentleman will be by 
his accent, unreinforced by his aroma. 



The German mines : "We were the 
first that ever burst into that silent 
sea." 

« * « 

George Sylvester Viereck calls Eng- 
land a serpent. Judging by her birth 

rate, she isn't an adder. 

« « « 

The Czar's order of national prohibi- 
tion during the war is the only case on 
record where any man voluntarily cut 
the throat of his own monopoly. 

An Ohio man announces that he 
owns "the shortest-legged chicken in 
the world," but that's no way to speak 

of one's wife. 

« « * 

Williamsburg county farmers are 
said to be living at home and board- 
ing at the same place. They should 
worry about Louvain. 

• w « 

We hope the railroads make some 
dividend out of the perfect courtesy 
with which the President entertained 
their plea for sympathy. 

« « « 
How About the Men Voters of Her Sex f 
(Headline in the New York Times.) 

Mrs. John K. Williams, Candidate 
for Lieutenant Governor of California, 
Who Has Already Been Indorsed by 

Many Women "Voters of Her Sex. 

» • » 

We Don't DouU it At All. 

(Headlines in the New York Sun.) 

200 MEN ANNIHILATED. 

By The Sun's and The London Daily 

Mail's War Service. 
Special Cable Dispatch to The Sun. 

What Has Become Of: 
The dove of peace? 
Alton B. Parker? 
Imported beer? 
Harry Thaw? 
Green hats? 
Bob LaFollette? 
Celluloid collars? 
Em. Pankhurst? 
Twelve-cent cotton? 
"Butch" McDevitt? 
The old time melodrama? 
"Suspender Jack"? 
Hiram Johnson? 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



95 



You Know Him, Al. 
He is a very gentle scout 

Whom strong, rough words displease, 
And so he mildly talks about 

The sword of Durnocles. 

* « « 

The Horrors of War. 
Estelle offends more than the rest, 
By telling us of lese majeste. 

— New York Tribune. 



"Indian troops to fight Kaiser." 
Sikh semper tyrannis. 

Times Have Changed. 
Nicholas : "My dear 

Jews, 
Poles." 

Poincare and Wilhelm : "My dear 
Socialists !" 



It makes us wrathy to hear Alice 
Ask if the Kaiser's captured Calais. 
, — Columbia State. 

It bores us to hear a refugee 
Speak of her trials in Gay Paree. 

— Richmond Times-Dispatch. 

» » » 

Heard on the Hustings. 
"To my mind" 



"I can not do justice to" 

"Far be it from me" 

"It behooves us" 

"It is hardly necessary to say" — 
"One word more and I have done" 

"It falls to my lot" 

"I can not find words to" 

"In the last analysis" 

"Be that as it may" 



"I shall not detain you longer" 
"It becomes my painful duty" — 
"I point with pride" 



A Funny Guy. 
The crankiest man is Jeweler Hill 

Of all the cranky bands ; 
He never sells a watch until 

He manicures its hands. 

Wuxtry ! 

10:00 a. m. — (1) : "Berlin says 
Antwerp Has Fallen." 

11:00 a. m.— (2) : "Paris Says Ant- 
werp is Safe." 

12 m. — Number 1. 

1 p. m. — Number 2. 

2 p. m. — Number 1. 

3 p. m. — Number 2. 

Etc., etc., etc. 

* » » 

Mercy ! 
All Europe has its war clothes on 

Designed by Brother Krupp ; 
And even little Holland, so 

They say, is all dyked up. 



George : "My dear 

Hindus, 
Boers, 
Irish, 
Ulsterites." 

These English and French Dukes 
and so forth may be inordinately fond 
of American dollars, but they certain- 
ly do squander their lives like gentle- 



Maybe the huge flights of storks 
sighted in France are moblizing for 
the annual manoeuvres around the 

Spanish royal palace. 

« * * 

European Concert Note. 
Switzerland's mobilizing fast. 

And at the break of morn 
She calls her sons with one loud blast 

Upon her Matterhorn. 

When a girl has to choose between 
a man, who is capable of big deeds and 
a man who owns 'em, the choice is 
quickly made. 

The bombardment of the Cathedral 
of Rheims destroys the most magnifi- 
cent of all memorials of the first and 
truest of all women militants. 

It is all right for a nation to try to 
get "a place in the sun" — but not by 

shady means. 

• • • 

We suppose that coming generations 
of Austrians will speak of their an- 
cestors as forerunners. 

» » » 

Philadelphia is supposed to be the 
city of brotherly love, but we doubt if 
its affection for Boston at this junc- 
ture is much more than mother-in- 
lawly. 



96 



POEMS AXD PARAGRAPHS 



We luuierstantl that Bostou news- 
dealers ai-e still allowed to sell The 
Black Cat, no protest having been re- 
ceived from Mlstah William Monroe 

Trottah. 

• • • 

Outside of crackins; its neutrality 
into pitiful bits, burning its cities, 
killing half of its men, pauperizing its 
inhabitants, gobbling all its food and 
taking seven millions a month as in- 
demnity, Germany has treated Bel- 
gium very well. 

• • • 

President Wilson's letter eulogizing 
Congress strikes us as a mighty good 
autobiography. 

"Well, that's one on me!" groaned 
the Parisian, as the Zeppelin bomb 
nicked him. 

The Kaiser seems to be another 
rivers and harbors Bill. 

You may have noticed that no new 
"Rembrandts" have been discovered 
since those European artists went to 
the front. 

When the society etlitor is up 
against the problem of saying some- 
thing pleasant about an ugly rich girl, 
she usually gets out of it by calling 

her "interesting" or "picturesque." 

* «- * 

Under the heading, "Fun With Fa- 
mous Folks," the Boston Globe per- 
petrates the following daffydils: 

"What train did James Montgomery 
Flagg? 

"What kinds of fish were caught by 
Harrison Fisher? 

"What did John eat besides Oxen- 
ham? 

"What made Stewart Edward 
White? 

"Who taught Ed. Howe?" 

Well, for that matter- 
Why is Samuel G. Blythe? 

What made H. Rider Haggard and 
Victor Blue? 

What is the best hand that Anna 
Held? 

What gave Tasker H. Bliss? 

Who knows how high Penrose? 

Why did George Barr McCutcheon? 



The Anti-Saloon League ought not 
to mind John Bull's seizing tank 

steamers. 

« » » 

Charity. 
It is an easy thing to gloat 

When you annex a foeman's goat, 
But, friend, leave all them gloats un- 
said : 

Suppose he'd got your goat instead? 

* « « 

"If, as reported, Mary Garden has 
lost her wardrobe, she might buy a 
bale of cotton." — Columbus Enquirer- 
Sun. Shucks, a boll would do Mary. 

"Poured Sauce on His Bride," says 
an esteemed contemporary. Turn about 
is fair play. Doubtless she had given 

him too much of it. 

« » » 

London's morning salutation : 

"What's up?" 

« • • 

We wish the neighbor's cat and our 
cat would take a tip from Mexico and 
arrange an armistice, even if it isn't 
for more than three or four nights. 

Gather ye war news while ye may, 
old Time is still a-flying ; and this 
same dope that's true today, tomorrow 
may be lying. 

As we understand it, the average 
man is so sick and tired of war news 
that he is seriously thinking of quit- 
ting reading his neighbor's paper. 

Austrian infantry is called an arm 
of the service, though leg would seem 
to describe it much more accurately. 

It's a good thing that hard words 
break no bones, for some of these Rus- 
sian names would have most of us 
looking as if we had dropped 15,000 
feet from a Taube. 

It's to be hojied the last British re- 
verses aren't half as bad as the last 
British verses. 

Our notion of the height of some- 
thing is the lady baritone in the vaude- 
ville show. 

What France seems to need as much 
as anything else is a marrytorium. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



97 



Germany will not violate Holland's 
neutrality. Wet grounds. 

* « * 

Will President Yuan of China please 
inform a ijreathless world which side 
honorable Confucius is fighting on? 

And to think that the Petrograd cor- 
respondent was one of the few men 
Colonel Roosevelt didn't call a liar'. 

« « • 

No doubt a good deal of London's 
sewing for tlie army is done in Thread- 
needle Street. 

« • « 

The Welsh battle cry is "Gwaeli 
angeu neu Chywylerd," no less, and we 
believe there's a good deal in that 
sentiment, too. 

"New York teachers are demanding 
man's wages." Well, why don't they 
get married? 

"Holy War Moves Turkey." It's 
likely to move it to Asia Minor. 

Store a little sunshine in your heart 
and the gray days will be easier. 

China has executed a wealthy crim- 
inal, poor barbarous nation that 

she is. 

« • « 

We warmly agree with Col. Ella 
Wheeler Wilcox that a woman's clothes 
should reveal her temperament, but 
see no reason why they should stop 
there. 

We have never so regretted the good 
old custom of ducking common scolds 
as when contemplating the case of 
Bernard Shaw. 

When money talks, nobody cares 
how ungrammatical it is. 

Mex. City reports indicate that Gen- 
eral Zapata is industriously engaged 
in bringing chaos out of order. 

"The enemy's resistance is not 
broken," announces the German Chan- 
cellor, thus confirming a universal sus- 
picion. 

As for the Western theatre of war, 
those Hindus can furnish plenty of 
castes. 



Report that the Kaiser has lost 
heart is absurd for a very obvious rea- 
son. 

There is always some hope for a bad 
man as long as he is not a hyrmcrite 

to boot. 

# * • 

Turkey accrediting a representative 
to the Pope is not the least of the 
war's ironies. 

Blessed be the cabinet officer who 
expecteth criticism, for he shall not 

be disappointed. 

• « * 

General Joffre's home folks gave 
him a sweater the other day, just as 
if the Germans weren't making it 
warm enough for him already. 

Nikalo Tesla may be Russia's great- 
est inventor, but the Petrograd press 
agent is a close second. 

Not a cathedral wrecketl for a whole 
week ! Has "kultur" got the hook- 
worm ? 

* « » 

A good many American manufac- 
turers are discovering the war cloud's 
silver lining. 

The war has produced many heroes. 
And at the head of the list is Albert 
King of the Belgians. 

Well, Portugal, if you must get into 
it, please recollect that you are a re- 
public and endeavor to uphold the 
prestige of the name. As the Cock- 
ney usher told the obstreperous mili- 
tant : "Remember, Ij'dy, that you are 

in a church, and behave as .such." 

« • • 

By courtesy of German-Americans, 
we understand that the rest of us in 
this country will be permitted to keep 
on speaking the English language. 

We judge by the Colonel's latest re- 
marks about the Same Old Wilhelm 
that he doesn't intend to ascend to per- 
sonalities in this campaign. 

Somehow, we imagine the philoso- 
pher who remarked th-it "Time is 
money" said it ju.st after completing a 
trip in a taxi. 



98 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



To be strictly up-to-date, you must 

write it "souuy Spaiu." 

« « « 

It sounds paradoxical, but the best 
way to uuike both ends meet is to keep 
straight ahead. 

Belgium has her back to the wall. 

but not to the enemy. 

• • • 

We heartily agree with the headline 
artist who announces that Russia is 
making "consonant gains." 

In the Berlin-Petrograd tale of two 
cities, it's the dickens to know which 
to believe. 

Allies seem to be having a snap in 
the fighting at Lens. 

Life below the border seems to be 

just one Mexican after another. 

« « « 

Holland refuses outside aid for Bel- 
gian refugees within her borders. She 
insists that it will be a Dutch treat. 

English fears that Portugal will in- 
sist upon advancing to their aid seem 
to be well grounded. 

Judging by local street scenes. King 
Cotton is partial to the Southern ex- 
posure. 

» « * 

Speaking of high churchmen, an 
English parson has just entered the 

aviation corps. 

» * » 

How London must envy the Eskimos 
those six-months days! 

"A Pair of Silk Stockings" is New 
York's newest play, but some critics 

predict it will soon be on its last legs. 

» ♦ » 

We wouldn't be a bit surprised to 
learn that the Hon. Jim Maun was 

born on the island of Yap. 

« « • 

England has prohibited the exporta- 
tion of wool, but nobody wanted Jack 
Johnson back, anyway. 

Boston — the hubbub of the universe! 

It's been some days now since a Ger- 
man aeroplane gave Paris the once 
over. 



There is some appr(4ieusiou that 
Wilhelm has confounded the way of 
the transgressor with the paths of 
glory. 

Queerly enough, Japan hasn't used 
a single shogun in this war. 

Some one asks for our opinion of the 
best end of the year. The bull moose's. 

It is indeed a pathetic spectacle the 
way Woodrow Wilson's enemies are 
falling away from him every day. 

"Mary Garden Reveals Her Patriot- 
ism," goes a headline. And that isn't 
all Mary reveals either. 

They that take up the sword shall 
also perish by their enemies' press 

agents. 

• • • 

Determination is often just mule- 

h'?adeilness in a dress suit. 

* » « 

And to think that the kaiser once 
hung about ten feet of German deco- 
rations on Doc Eliot ! 

« • « 

Now that Artist Rentei'dahl has gone 
to the front we are looking forward to 

some drawn battles. 

« * • 

Utter nonsense — T. R. and Cap'n 
Hobson. 

The relief of Przemysl is nothing to 
that of the proofreaders. 

We see by the papers that Wilding, 

the English tennis crack, is serving. 

« » « 

As we understand it. Mr. Bryan's 
idea is to make the dogs of war set- 
ters. 

• • • 

"Girl Born to Braves' Pitcher" — 
Washington Post. It certainly must 

have been some feat. 

* * » 

George Perkins says you can't fool 
all the people all the time, but "there 
is millions in fooling half of 'em." He 

ought to know. 

« » » 

"Any man." announces John D's pas- 
tor, "who says I drink is a liar." Shake 
not thy gory locks at us, reverend sir. 
We never opened our mouth. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES, 



99 



Like ThcHC, Fr example. 
"Near Lemborg, (Jaliciu, after heavy 
fightinji, the linssians seized the Hue 
to Kanunonka, Gliniauy, Przemyslany 

and Brzukovitze." 

« « « 

Germany promises to respect the 
Monroe doctrine. Poor little Belgium 

got one of those i)r()mises. 

« * * 

Judging from the missives read in 
divorce suits, It's a short step from 
correspondence to co-respondence. 

Hellup ! 
Some styles, we know, are really 
crimes. 
But we excuse them when 
We hark back to Queen Bess's times — 
How ruff the things were then ! 

(From a boost for Mary Garden in 
The American Magazine.) 
She reveals her.self in a way that 
is refreshing, while at the same time 

contributing valuable information. 

# # * 

Don't Shoot, Sistren! 
The reason some girls are so crazy 
about palmistry is that they can't get 

their hands held any other way. 

♦ ♦ » 

Our Curious Langwidge. 
When we say that there were high 
words between the disputants, every- 
body iniderstands, of course, that they 
were low words. 

Must Have Been Some Sermon! 
(From the London Universe.) 
The sermon over, a collection was 
taken, and hardly a person present did 
not contribute. Mgr. Benson's sermon 
went to the hardest heart there. Even 
the journalists contributed. 

Oh, You Pin. 
He gently clasped her slender waist, 

Then tragedy befell ; 
For he removes his arm in ha.ste 

And wryly muttered : "Tut ! tut !" 

The Reason. 
He knows no North, South, East or 
West, 
Does Mr. Julius Flagg; 
And yet his is no patriot's breast — 
He simply has a jag. 



Judging by his testimony, Pi'esident 
Mellen was simply the official fence 
behind which the New Haven was done 
to death. 

Why does a peace journal like The 
Commoner make clubbing offers? 

Paradoxical as it may seem, it's the 

part of wisdom to pass bad money. 

# « « 

One great redeeming feature of the 
phonograph companies is that none of 
thorn has put out any tenor records by 

Colonel Roosevelt. 

« # » 

Something will be done at last for 
the Senate's high cost of living. Geoi*- 
gia is about to send it a cracker. 

Admiral Peary says there should be 
a national wind-map ; but what's 

wrong with the Congressional Record? 

« » « 

"What resources," demands Ernest 
Thompson-Seton, "have we to compare 
with our young men?" Well, Ernie, 
there are our young women. 

An optimist, as we understand it, is 
a man who makes the best of it when 
he gets the worst of it. 

This war seems to bear another of 
those "Made-in-Germany" labels. 

Earthly Advantages. 
I'd rather bide upon the land 

In dull, prosaic bliss. 
Than be an aviator, and 

Come tumbling down like this ! 

The militant aim is rapidly improv- 
ing. One of them threw a book at the 
judge and missed him only five yards. 

Let Theodore Roosevelt chip in his 
share, and we can turn over to Colom- 
bia a settlement of .$25,000,000.06. 

Excuse Us. 
Sign of Buffalo Merchant.) 



CLEANING, DYING AND 

PRESSING LADIES 

AND GENTS. 



100 



POEJ/S . I .V/> PA h\ 1 67M /7/N 



EbonoztM" : No. tlio lojilslnturo has 
not yot passod tho bill in-ohibltinj; (ho 
iiso of all pianos with blaok koys. 

Those New York sursoons who have 
formed an on-hestra, should be ospo- 
cially stroni: on opouini: overtures. 

"C^lrl in TiLThts Chases Man Three 
Ploeks." — Headline. If any dimpled 
sister In tii^hts thinks she ean run us, 
just let her try it on. as (hey say in 
dear old l-eiuUtn. 



President Wilson subscribes for the 
London Tinies, but Mr. Kryan would 
never allow him to take I'uuili. 

If Hearst is really foolish enomjh to 
fiet into the same politieal bed with 
l\t>osevelt, it will not take a prophet 
to prediet who will be kieked out. 

77; (• ()/(/ (Jroiirhcx. 
Some peojile don't seem to realize 
that biMU!; alive is a privilege and not 
a pmiishnient. 



Ceorge V was erowned on a stotie. Notiee how mueh eheaper yon ean get 

but he has been on needles and pins a spool sinee the Thread Trust was 
ever sinee. wouutl \ii)V 



That prohibit i«M» amendment is evi- 
dently Hobson's ehoiee. 

It is entirely natural that Paneho 
Villa regards the Zapata bandits as 
conspirators iu restraint of trade. 

Somebody asks (>ld Hoe l^vans how 
to get rid of ehiggers. There's the 

rub ! 

« » » 

It is understood that the sutTragettes 
who carried babies to the White House 
have all returned them to their moth- 
ers. 

Harring aTi oyster and John I.ind, 
the most speeehless thing yet diseov- 
ered is the small New Haven stoek- 

bolder. 

« * » 

A Marylander erept behind a balky 
miile and stabbed him to make him 
move. He did. 

Ouch! 
Speaking of lightweight champions, 
whieh nobody was. eonld yon eall the 
ice man one? 

Paradoj-ical. 
"This seems to me," said Mr. Jack. 

"A most amazing stnnt. 
That when some one takes us aback 

We always take atTront." 

Since the sunny kingdom repudiated 
the Triple Alliance, the Kaiser must 
believe there is a lot of truth in the 
sentence. "Beyond the Alps lies 
Italy." 



rister isn't neeessarily progressive 
just because she won't stand Tat. 

Seratch a calamity-howler and you're 
apt to (ind an ex-postmaster. 

Though Senator Lewis has dropped 
the ".lames." the jokesmiths will see to 
it that he's a deviled Ham. 

.1 1.(1 Mine, ('aillou.r. 
When lovely woman stoops to folly 

And hies her forth to shoot and slay, 
She woei*s and looks most n\elaucludy. 

And they acquit her right away. 

"rossibly." remarked the othee In- 
I'ln-rigible. as he glanced over the eold 
wave reports, "this is that Southern 
shiverlry we hear so mueh about." 

What shall we call the lady tangoer 

— a tangerine'? 

Say. Woodrow. aren't we watchful 
waiters going to .get any tips? 

After all. it is ttnly the Swiss who 
can contimie to yodel in the circum- 
stances. 

Beauty is only skin deep ; but. on the 
other hand, so is ugliness. 

History will rubric 1014 as the year 
of the mightiest of wars. The average 
American youth will recall it as the 
year waivers were asked on Napoleon 
Lajoie. 

* • * 

One half the world certainly knows 
h(>w the other half dances. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



101 



The River of Doubt Ls responsible 
for many rivers of ink. 

From all we hear, that Tennessee 
Democratic candidate is a straight 
Rye. The gratifying thing, however, is 

that he Ls Wilson's Rye. 

• • • 

Champ Clark wishes it distinctly un- 
derstood that his cold is not the same 
one Mr. Bryan recently had. 

What is so rare as a day in June 
that doesn't begin some honeymoon? 

Having carefully observed modern 
fashion tendencies, a progressive Rich- 
land county farmer has just put out 
200 fig trees. 

Title of a new story is "The Persist- 
ent I^ady." Under cover before mar- 
riage or out in the open afterward, 
they are all persistent and infallible as 

hunters. 

• * « 

It is a wretched slander to say that 
the I. W. W. won't work. Why any of 
'em would gladly accept a position as 
lineman for a wirele.ss telegraphy com- 
pany. 

• • • 

Nomenclaturally, at least, Mr. U. C. 
Herr, postmaster at Medicine Lodge, 
Kans., keeps in close touch with the 
current fashions. 

« * • 

"Posterity To See Wilson," announces 
the Washington Post. Is Secretary 
Tumulty sure there is an open date? 

Honest men shouldn't giggle so much 
when rogues fall out. Rogues have an 
uncomfortable habit of making up 
again. 

As for the lady lecturer who says 
cigarettes are pernicious, we are glad 
to back 'er. 

Secretary Burleson last week discon- 
tinued the Theodore, Ky., po.stoffice, 
and the Colonel recovered his voice 
next day. 

Mrs. Carrie Chapman Catt has re- 
turned from Europe, where she was 
much tigerized by her suffrage friends. 



Italy evidently takes her part in the 
Triple Alliance In a Baltimore plat- 
foim sen.se. 

Their press-agents tell of the intense 
artistic rivalry between Gaby ijeslys 
and Gertie Hoffman. Shucks! Mary 
Garden outstrips them both. 

* • « 

Rustem Bey, the new Turkish min- 
ister, declined to talk — another oyster 
^^y, so to speak. 

Probably Colombia facetiously refers 
fo that .$25,000,000 as canalimony. 

\'i]la and Carranza are now ready 
to bury the hatchet, each having se- 
lected a suitable spot in the other's 
head. 

Hon. John Lind must have a fellow 
feeling for the unspeakable Turk. 

That new play, "Our Wives," must 
be crowded with speaking parts. 

• • • 

Mr. Hearst will hear with delight 
that Looney, N. M., has changed its 
name to Woodrow. 

What a splendid thing it would be 
if when we lose our tempers we couldn't 
find 'em again ! 

Sometimes we sit and wonder how 
long Diogenes would manage to keep 
his lantern in New York. 

The new Governor-General of Can- 
ada is a Grand Commander of the 
Bath, thus queering him irretrievably 
with North Carolina. 

* * • 
Little Georgie got the axe ; 

Hit wee Rose some awful cracks; 
Piffled Pa cried "Little pet (hie), 

He always was SO energetic!" 

• • • 

On the Tarheel stump, oration and 

expectoration are synonymous terms. 

« « • 

Colombia probably doesn't agree that 
it is more blessed to give than to re- 
ceive. 

Two thousand Germans reported 
drowned near Warsaw. Luckily, our 
Poland water isn't that dangerous. 



102 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Germany seems to have played the 

deuce when she led the king. 

* * * 

The miserable Buffalo News man, 
who evinces a curiosity to "see a Dem- 
ocrat stuffed," is hereby cordially in- 
vited to spend Thanksgiving day with 

us. 

* « « 

All is not yet lost. The New York 
Sun's forecast of the congressional 
election says that South Carolina will 
probably elect a Democratic Senator. 

« tt * 

One of the most gigglish features of 
modern politics is the way Woodrow 
Wilson can make Congress do about 
everything he wants 'em to and close 
the session by telling 'em of his high 
admiration for the magnificent self-re- 
liance and unyielding independence 
they have displayed, sending 'em home 
swelling with self-complacency and 

firmly believing every word of it. 
« * * 
We don't blame the Greenville Pied- 
mont a bit for working tooth and toe- 
nail for that Iron Cross, just as we 
are striving in our humble way to at- 
tract the attention of King George and 
maybe get the Order of the Okra, but 
we do think it should occasionally slip 
in some favorable news about the al- 
lies, such as the fact, for instance, that 
Winston Churchill used to be a news- 
paper man. 

» • • 

A Crushing Retort. 
(From the Lamar, Mo., Democrat.) 
We asked a trombone player the oth- 
er day if he could mention a single 
great man who, when he was a youth, 
played in the village band. He 
scratched his head and pondered for 
several minutes. No, he could not 
think of one. Then he asked us if we 
could name one of the signers of the 
Declaration of Independence who ever 
ran a country newspaper. 

We suppose you have noticed that a 
bad egg is usually broke. 

The greatest malady among women 
folks is the ear-to-mouth disease. 

The one best bet is that the Iron 
Cross will never get to Charing Cross. 



What those Tarheel mountain coun- 
ties want is a place in the moon. 
» * » 
Our idea of a telling situation is 
when a bunch of women get together. 
* « « 
No European press agent has been 
killed yet, but if he had been he'd lie 

stUl. 

« • » 

The German gospel according to St. 
Nietzsche : "You have heard that man 
hath said. Blessed are the peacemak- 
ers, but I say unto you. Blessed are the 
warmakers, for they shall be called, if 
not children of Jehovah, then children 
of Odin (the war god of the north), 
and Odin is greater than Jehovah." 
« * » 

The Lion at Heligoland, August 21, 

1914. 
They told us he was toothless, and 
they jeered. 
Pointing derisive fingers at his cave ; 
"There lies he, blind, impotent ; 
what can save 
Your senile sire, unfriended, lone, un- 
f eared?" 

It i^ * tf * * 

A twilight sea, where thick the smoke- 
wraiths cling. 
And mantle pityingly the mottled 

deeps ; 
From out the crimson heart of hell 
there creeps 
A shattered cruiser, like a wounded 
thing. 

And five are sinking, and the rest are 
fled 
Home to their friendly harbor, 

fanged and rent ; 
And from the harbor sighs the low 
lament 
Of Prussia mourning for her sailor 
dead. 

We that love peace, not slaughter, Eng- 
land's sons 
Soul-linked across three thousand 

miles of sea 
Know thy Cause just — once more for 
liberty 
Strike home with all the thunders of 
thy guns! 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



103 



At any rate, the heathen in his 
blindness doesn't bow down to Krupp 

and Maxim. 

« « « 

We imagine that when a new Rus- 
sian town needs a name, they get the 

Czar to sneeze. 

* » « 

Parisians denounce bomb-dropping as 
a sin. Well, the sin will be on their 

own heads. 

» • » 

European soldiers get only a few 
cents a day, but we suppose the avia- 
tors get space rates. 

Hon. Dick Rudolph asserts that the 
Athletics are "free-swingers." Well, he 
and Bill James ought to know. 

Governor Glynn is a newspaper edi- 
tor, but sometimes Whitman must make 

him feel like the devil. 

» * • 

Boy, Page A. Comstock. 
The maids of Borneo are brown 
And only dress by halves ; 
The skirts they wear are very short, 
And plainly show their elbows. 

— Columbia State. 

The maids of Borneo are brown, 
They do not fear the breeze ; 
The skirts they wear are very scant. 
And plainly show their shoulders. 

— Cincinnati Enquirer. 

The maids of Borneo are brown, 
They dress like Easter eggs ; 
The skirts they wear are quite in style. 
And plainly show their necks ! 

— Gentle Reader, Wilmington, N. C. 

• » ♦ 

A stitch in time may save a ragged 

Belgian. 

« « » 

War is also what Sherman said for 
the babies of patriotic English parents. 
Imagine reading in an English paper 
twenty-five years hence something like 
this : "Petrograd Jones, the well 
known young barrister of Liverpool, is 
visiting relatives here." "Mr. and Mrs. 
Przemysl Stiggins are spending a few 
days at Brighton." "Among those pres- 
ent were Messrs. J. Joflfre Ponsonby, 
Alsne Smith-White, Belgrade Smithers 
and Paris Green." 



Dollar diplomacy looks pretty good to 

Belgium just now. 

« • » 

Of course, Hon. Jim Mann hasn't up 
and said in so many words that the 
tariff was really responsible for that 
Turin earthquake, but he knows what 

he knows. 

* * • 

The estimable Marietta (O.) Regis- 
ter-Leader declares that in saying that 
Sherman burned and sacked Columbia, 
The State paper proves itself a "poor 
forgetter." The subject is not one that 
we like to harp on, contemporary, but 
there are some things it's darned hard 

to forgive and forget. 

« « » 

From news furnished by the official 
information bureau of the British 
army, as published on October 24th in 
the Boston Transcript : 

"Nevertheless, the enemy in front of 
us is fighting well and skilfully." 

"An incident which occurred October 
13th shows the resources and bravery 
of some of the enemy's scouts." 

"The tendency of the Germans to 
rely on their splendid war material." 

It was Herr Mencken, the Baltimore 
Evening Sun's "Free Lance" who said 
the other day, in the course of his daily 
tirade against the English, that under 
no circumstances have the allies given 
out anything favorable to or commen- 
datory of their brave foes. If a news- 
paper must be offensively unneutral, it 
should not hold itself up to ridicule by 
publishing statements that the most 
casual investigation proves utterly un- 
true. 

« * « 

This is Soft for Him. 
"Contribs," thus spake the Old Colonel, 
"You may frolic today in this jolonel; 

And, friends, just believe me, 

You sure do relieve me. 

Of a whole lot of worry infolonel !" 

* * * 

We suppose the suffs insist on an- 
nouncing that the South is in the side- 
saddle. 

» » » 

There is a suspicion that in calling 
his soldiers brothers, Wilhelm merely 
cozens 'em. 



104 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Dr. Bernard Deruburg announces 
that Germany will not annex Canada. 
It is also thought that Haiti has given 
up its nefarious designs upon Russia. 

The pocket wireless may be a great 
invention, but it certainly seems super- 
fluous with so many women in this 
world. 

London meets our idea of the centre 
of gravity. 

As we understand it, England is 
hitching its wagon to a tar. 

The whippoorwill would seem to be 
an appropriate emblem for the allies. 

We rather approve the practice of 
dubbing legislators "solons." It puts 
them in a good humor and gives the 
people something to snicker at, and 
goodness knows there's precious little 

these dismal times. 

• « * 

Mr. Bryan is naturally a bit husky 
in these corn belt speeches. 

It's a paradox of politics, how often a 
straight ticket is crooked. 

Well, thank goodness, Caine and 
Cowan have thus far spared us the ob- 
servation that hundreds of Scotch sol- 
diers were found among the kilt. 

The Czar must feel pretty much like 
penalizing Przmysl for holding. 

• « » 

IVs a Mystery to Him. 
When a fellow gets peeved with a 
newspaper and stops taking it, he never 
can understand how it manages to 
shuffle along day after day without any 
sign whatever of suspending publica- 
tion. 

• • • 

When Tosti Turned Over in His Grave. 
(From the Tolk County, (N. C.) 
News.) 
The solo "Tolstoy's Goodbye to Sum- 
mer." sung by Mrs. S. C. Mockel. the 
leading soprano of St. Luke's cathe- 
dral, Atlanta, Ga., was very beautiful. 

"Germans Repulsed on Coast.— Head- 
line. Oh, frabjous day ! Calloo ! Calais ! 
we chortle in our joy. 



Europe's army of the unemployed 
could find some big openings in French 
and Belgian cathedrals. 

The prophet said in his haste that all 
men are Petrograd correspondents. 

What does Germany call those belli- 
cose professors — the brainsturm? 

The European Socialist idea, we take 
it, is that divine right should be left. 

"Italy Gives Up Meat." — Headline. 

See Naples and diet ! 

* * * 

What gentle souls Attila and Gen- 
ghis Khan must have been ! 

« «■ « 

AVe suppose the way the bespect- 
acled music-hall artists in Boston sing 
it is. "It is a circuitous journey to Tip- 

perary." 

♦ * * 

Paris reports indicate that the Tur- 
cos still have a shade on the enemy. 

When one woman says another is "as 
pretty as a picture." she usually adds 

under her breath, "hand-painted." 
» » • 
Holland may experience some diffl- 
culty in keeping her neutrality on 
straight. 

Here's one for Herren. Patton, Cowan 
and Caine, the celebrated Tarheel 
daffydil trio : If the British lose South 
Africa, what will the Zulus? 

Too Bad. 
We've read the latest pome 
Of Colonel Rudyard Kip ; 
Alas ! alas ! once more, alas ! 

For Rudyard's lost his grip. 

« « « 
Will General DeWet turn out to be 
the old Dutch cleanser? 

Why doesn't Queen Victoria, of 

Spain, quit her kidding? 
« • « 
A prominent leader on the other side 
is always a henchman. 

WJio Says the English Have No Sense 
of Humor? 
(From the London Times.) 
They have at last forced Mr. Roose- 
velt to talk. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



105 



The South would do much better in 
the saddle if it did not use the spur of 
the moment so liberally. 

Germany is willing? to do anything 
under the sun for a place in it. 

Speaking of "travel slips," it's hard 

to beat the well-known banana peel. 

» • • 

Our personal experience is that 
money may talk, but it isn't English. 

England, with all thy censors, we 
love thee still. 

Our notion of untold wealth is an 
income-tax dodger's. 

We see by the papers that that emi- 
nent hussy, Ann Archy, has returned to 
Mexico. 

One of the humors of the situation 
is the way a fellow who hasn't set foot 
in a church for ten years will wax 
wrathful when the Germans nick a 

cathedral or two. 

« « « 

Probably the loss of her wardrobe 
didn't give Mary Garden a cold, as 
she's always wrapped up in herself. 

Our notion of zero in con.solation is 
a standpat paper pointing out that 
Woodrow Wilson is a minority Presi- 
dent. 

« * » 

"Fashionalile women," says a New 
York authority, "are flat-busted." So 
are a lot of men who aren't at all fash- 
ionable. 

* * * 

Guinness's brewery employees offer 
to form a regiment. They claim they 
could put up a stout resistance. 

Human nature probably being just 
about the same then as it is now, if 
no more so, we suppose that when 
the ancient Romans read in The Daily 
Forum where old Hannibal had licked 
the socks off 'em at Cannae they said 
confidently that it was only another 
one of the subsidized press's lies, and 
proceetled to write anonymous letters 
to the editor, informing him at some 
detail all about his ancestry, present 
mode of life and future destination. 



Old Philander Knox criticising Wood- 
row Wilson is like a horse-fly trying to 
sting the pyramid of Ghizeh. 

Somebody has unearthed a cradle in 
which Former President Cleveland was 
rocked, presenting it to a memorial 
home. It only remains to discover the 
teething ring that contribiitcMl to T. It.'s 
dental cquiiJUicnt. 

Why Not Try Your Luck Here? 
Shad, Cal. 
Finney, Ky. 
Anglin, Wash. 
Trout, N. C. 
Hooks, Ala. 
Line, Ark. 
Bass, Ind. 
Perch River, N. Y. 
Mullet, Miss. 
Fish, Ga. 

I met a i)olitician, 

Of greetings he was chary ; 
He passed me by with a frosty eye — 

This was in January. 

I met a politician, 

The same, on one hot noon ; 
He bade me stand and he wrung my 
hand — 

For this, you see, was June. 

» # • 

The Slayers. 
When one man slays another in a fit 
Of rage, they straightway haul him 

to the pen ; 
There may have been some fancied 
cause for it, 
But that poor plea won't get him out 
again'.* 
When one man slays ten thousand in 
cold blood, 
And leaves ten thousand murders 
unredressed. 
And nips a myriad young lives in the 
bud. 
They r>in some shiny medals to his 
breast ; 
And, though he be a scoundrel worse 

than Nero, 
Yell themselves hoarse, and hail him 
as a hero. 



♦South Carolina, of course, excepted. 



106 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



If. as the German c lianoellor de- 
clares, this is "a life and death strug- 
gle between Teuton and Slav," why 
was Germany so willing to tie up in 
alliance with Anstria-llungai-y whose 
Slav population is over two-tifths? 

Some men's particular friends are 

evidently not very particular. 

« « « 

Yet ^y€ Have Ploitij of 'Em. 
One way to dodge trouble is to keep 
your mouth shut. But who loves a 

spineless cactus? 

« • » 

Teddii Dotes on That Kind. 
T. R. has given the glad hand 

To that Castilian twain; 
One put the ma in Madrid, and 

One put the pa in Spain. 

Sad Mishap at Ornim. 
(Orrum Corr. Fremont, N. C, Mes- 
senger.) 
Mrs. A. T. Lawsou was sitting on 
the porch at home, near here, when 
an old setting hen. of her's. tlew off 
the nest and in her eagerness to get 
to the nest struck her foot gainst the 
fence and broke her leg. It is improv- 
ing. 

With all the men milliners called 
into active service, there is no reason 
in the world why the French ranks 
should not be well dressed. 
« « * 

It's a sad story, mates. If the dukes 
and counts are kilkxl off, our heiresses 
may be reducetl to having to marry 

just ordinary Americans. 

* « « 

Our Contemporaries. 
(The Springfield Republican.) 
Always reliable and always sane. 
Calm, wise, judicial, temperate, 
stately, staid. 
About one-tenth of heart and nine of 
brain — 
Some think it is the best newspaper 
made. 

We don't know who those Nervii 
were that Caesar overcame, but the 
name suggests that they were the orig- 
inal calamity-howlers. 



"Are we as beautiful as the an- 
cients'?" inquires the New Orleans 
States. Well, perhaps you surpass 
Diogenes, Tyrtaeus and Socrates, but 
we are inclined to suspect that prob- 
ably Apollo and GanyuuHle had a little 
sump'u on you. 

Whi/ Ye Ed. Left Town. 
(From the Garnett, Mo., Review.) 
Horse disease has already reached 
Anderson county. J. J. O'Mara and 

George Woodruff are affected. 

* « • 

Some Man! 
(From the Miami, Fla., Metropolis.) 
Wanted — Man who dug well on 
Frier place with Roman nose will 
please return pocketbook and no ques- 
tions will be asketi. 
« « • 

The Chattanooga Times says that 
the wild women are not heart-breakers. 
Nope ; but they certainly excel as head- 
breakers. 

* • • 

Try the Front Yard. 
(From the estimable News and Cou- 
rier.) 
A respectable colored woman wants 

a place to wash. 

* ♦ » 

The new guns designed for use 
against aeroplanes may yet disprove 
the old adage that you can't keep a 

good man down. 

« « « 

As our friend. Josephus Daniels, is 
fond of announcing in the Raleigh 
News and Observer. "North Carolina 
sits at the head of the Table." One 
reason is that it lets its Senators and 

Representatives keep their seats. 

* * ♦ 

There seems to be some apprehen- 
sion that Kermifs wetlding won't go 
off without a hitch. 

That Aero club committee which is 
charting the air routes is probably 
working at space rates. 

New Haven "came down." Its trunk 
was too rotten to permit it to stand 
even against a zephyr of the law. 

Wilhelm seems to be a lot stronger- 
on initiative than referendum. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES, 



107 



It will be wholly superfluous for this 
French general, Paul Marie Cesar 
Gerald Pau, to make a name for him- 
self. 

« « « 

"Foreign Cheese Prices Soar." And 

Abou Ben Edam leads all the rest. 

• • • 

Cato the Censor couldn't have had 

much on this English chap. 

« • « 

Tom Edison's reiteration that he 
sleeps only two or three hours a night 
discloses the fact that he must have 
one of these back fences, too. 

It's high time the thread trust was 

rewound. 

• • • 

It was probably the absence of one 
vowel in his name that kept Mr. Bil- 
lard, of New Haven acumen, from 
posing as the perfect type of American 

ivory. 

» « * 

When Albert Edward arrives, he 
should by all means meet our own 
Prince of Wails, James R. Mann. 

Uneasy lies the head that wears a 

spiked helmet. 

« • * 

As a general thing, a cause is much 
oftener ruinetl by its fool friends than 

its clever foes. 

• » » 

A man will spend half the after- 
noon cackling over those awful whop- 
pers from Petrograd, and then go home 
and tell friend wife in his most solemn 
and convincing manner that he will be 
obliged to sit up with a sick friend 

that night. 

« • « 

Columbia's only malady Is growing 
pains; but Charleston is always suf- 
fering with joint trouble. 

• « • 

Young men who wed during this 
June season will discover that it is the 
first of a series of bridle seasons for 
them. 

O Mars, what rimes are committed 
in thy name ! 

Pennsylvania's Progressive party 
platform pronounces Penrose para- 
mount problem. 



Have you noticed how that dear old 
word "militant" has gone out of the 
use oratorical since Mrs. Pankhurst 

appropriated it? 

• « • 

In this age of fraud, it's pleasant to 
reflect that the Liberty Bell is all it's 
cracked up to be. 

Judging by Mexico and Ilayti, some 
of our foreign relations are blood rela- 
tions. 

• • • 

"A.sserts 10,000 Males Could Have 
Been Killed in l'.il3 Without Detri- 
ment." At first glance, we thought 
some ultra-earnest suffragette was 
talking, but investigation revealed that 
the reference was merely to Alaskan 

.seals. 

• • • 

A Postal Guide Comedy. In Seven 
Reels. 
Lovelady, Texas. 
Spoonvilje, California. 

Bridal Veil. Oregon. 
Groom, MlsJsouri. 

Goodnight, Oklahoma. 

Wrangell, Alaska. 

Scrap, Texas. 

Olive Branch, Illinois. 

Peace, A.labama. 

• • • 

Probably Cap'n Hobson's first utter- 
ance on arriving at the pearly gates 

will be a stern demand for mileage. 

• « « 

A Congressman compares Bryan to 
Gaby Deslys, and, of course, some mis- 
erable G. O. P. linotyper had to make 
it "Gabby." 

• • • 

Probably the German paragraphers 
refer to every alleged Russian atrocity 
as an knoutrage. 

• • » 

"We all have our little faults," as 
Mrs. Malaprop would remark, "there- 
fore we should overlook the armadillos 
of others." 



108 



POEMS AXP PARAGRAPHS 



Wo oxptvt any uuniunit to hoar that 
Oonuany has dtvlai\Hi a boyiott 
asTJiiiis't Jap-alao. 

Judges havo soiuothiui: on jurios. 
The latter are him;; in every State, anil 
the fiu'uier only u\ etliixy. 

It must be adniittixl that if Japan 
is iutriguius: for Maiiilalena l>ay. it is 
a base intrigue. 

A pair out canoeing 

To change seats essayi\i. 

And these are the bubbles 

O O 

O O 

O c^ 

O e> 

That sinking they made. 

— Hoston Transcript. 
A pair of prize lighters 
Swapptxi rights to the eye. 
And these are the planets 



Ketributive justice averages up 
pretty well in this old world, after all. 
The mau who has a phonograph gen- 
erally has a next-<loor neighbor who 
owns a cat. 

A moratorium, we take it. means 
that a country needn't settle up until 
it settles down. 

If speech is silver. Rob La Follette 
is the right man to ask to change a 

bill. 

* * * 

We judge from I'ncle Cannon's 
latest remarks on the tariff that he 
still thinks a thing of duty is a joy 

forever. 

• • • 

"KoU on. thou dark blue ocean, roll !" 

Is what tlie poet bid : 
You never would believe it. but 

It did ! 



riiey saw bye and bye. 

rrobably it is ntxxiless to remark 
that the baby a Gei^rgia couple has 

uamtHl "Silence" is a boy. 

* * • 

Of cHHirse. if there were a nobility 
in this ctnmtry. every aviator would 
be called "Your Highness." 

We see by the papers that German 
troops have entertxi Itussia and cap- 

turtxl a hiss and a ciniple of sneezes. 

* • » 

M. Paul Bourget dei'lares that "lit- 
erature is not life." No. Frequently 

it is not even a living. 

* * • 

"Women. Scantily Glad. Flee From 
Rlai'.ing Tenement." — Headline. 

Thank goodness, they had time to 

get on their street clothes I 

* • • 

The heathen Turk, sanionically : 
"Alnuv<t thou persuadest me to be a 
Christian I" 

yi. Clemenceau sa>-s Wilhelm is "an- 
other Nero." Alsa*.v-lA^rraine is will- 
ing to vouch that he's a seizor's son. 



Don't Mention It. Old Socks. 
Sings a Smart Set ^hHo : 

"Spurn me with one of thy ftvt. 

Now." 
Au^'thing to oblige. Turn around. 

please. 

* • • 

The Vcrij First. 
The first iKX^t to foreshadow the mili- 
tant movement was James liyder Ran- 
dall, author of "Maryland. My Mary- 
land." Don't you remember "She 

breathes, she burns'?" 

• • • 

Doesn't This Look Finef 

(Onr guess as to the cvmvx^sition of 
the next Cabinet if the G. O. V. comes 
back.) 

Nelson W. Aldrich — Treasury. 

Simon Guggenheim — Interior. 

Senator l>upont — War. 

Joseph B. Foraker — State. 

Boies Fenrost^^ — CommervV. 

Henry B. Joy — Labor. 

Chamvllor Day — Postmaster General. 

William Barnes. Jr.— Attorney Gen- 
eral. 

William I.orimer — Agrieultxire. 

James R. Mann— Navy. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



109 



1009 Must Be Qvtting Along in Years 

Now. 

(From the Washington Star.) 

The c'hiss of 1J)07 had a camel and a 

sign reading "This is no psychological 

reunion," and 1009 had a manikin 

labeled Huerta. 

Fa m c. 
Rip: "When is a book great?" 
Rap : "When it says what you think 
on some vital question, and what you 
cannot understand on a matter of 

which you know nothing. — D. 

« » * 

Thei/ Seeurc Our Angora. 
"American dialect" in the English pa- 
pers. 

"Negro dialect" in the Northern pa- 
pers. 

• • • 

The Negligible Bride. 

(Hillgirt Corr. Western Carolina 

Democrat.) 

Mr. Mark Flynn got married last 

week and we wish him and her a long 

and happy life. 

« • » 

Aye, Aye. 
Don't squander too much sympathy 
when she says that she has had a try- 
ing day. The allusion may have been 
merely to an extended sesh with the 
dressmaker. 

Their Favorite FTaunts. 
When you start looking for some 
politicians' footprints on the sands of 
time, steer for the mudholes first. 

Other Lands Than Ours — No. 1. 
In Senegambia when it's hot 

The folks don't wear an awful lot ; 
In fact, they say those shameless rum- 
mies 

Immodestly expose their ankles. 

« * • 

Botanieal Celebrities. 
Donie Bush 
Elihu Root 
Beerbolim Tree 
William of Wied 
Herb Moran 
Morton F. Plant 
Ivy Wiugo 
Joe Wood 
"Rebel Oakes. 



It Might Be Worse. 
W^hen things are darkest vpith you, 
friend, and all the world is gloomy, 
just reflect that you might be a June 
bridegroom and have to eat her bis- 
cuits. 

"There's a Reason." 
"Fog At Last Lifts Off English 

Channel." — Headline. 

"Colonel Roosevelt Leaves England 

for Home." — Headline. 

Holiday Burgs. 
Rest, Kans. 
Retreat, Ga. 
Kool, Wyo. 
Comfort, W. Va. 
Happy, N. C. 
Paradise, Ariz. 

Vacation, Cal. 

« tt » 

This Ought to Make 'em Squeal. 
(From the Chester News.) 
Young men just out of college with 

your pigskins. 

» « » 

That Explains It. 
(Panther Creek Corr. Waynesville, N. 
C. Courier.) 
I noticed in the last paper that Mr. 
Vaughn Arrington and Mr. Robert 
Messer had made flying trips up Pan- 
ther Creek. I don't see how they made 
a flying trip up there for there is not 
any train that runs that way, and it 
is so rough that an automobile can't go 
up there. I guess the boys went up in 

an air ship. 

• » • 

Our Contemporaries. 
(The Cincinnati Enquirer.) 
Flippant, slangy, breezy, 

Fond of headlines bloated, 
Luke McLuke's bright colyum 

Keeps it always quoted. 

« » « 

Thirteen Months Old Soup Seems Just 
A Bit Venerable for Baby. 
(From the Immortal Statepaper.) 
Mrs. J. F. R. writes : "Will you 

please tell me if it is advisable to give 

a baby 13 months old soup made from 

bouillon cubes? 

A Modern Standard. 
A man is also known by the piano- 
player rolls he buys. 



110 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



The Scientist Should Have Thought. 

(A Loudou scientist says that prim- 
itive woman could not cooli.) 
To contravert this fool contention 

We could at length, but what's the 
use? 
So we'll content ourself to mention 

How neatly Eve cooked Adam's 

goose. 

» « « 

Yes. 

Some criminal lawyers are. 

* « • 

The Wilson Brands: 
Sani-tea. 
Prosperi-tea. 
Tranquilli-tea. 
Populari-tea. 
Sagaci-tea. 
Abili-tea. 
Veraci-tea. 
Morali-tea. 
Sinceri-tea. 
Humani-tea. 

and 

The Eucria Brands: 
Rascali-tea. 
Iniqui-tea. 
Barbari-tea. 
Inebrie-tea, 
Mendaci-tea. 
Rapaci-tea. 
Stupidi-tea. 
Duplici-tea. 

Atroci-tea. 

* • • 

Some Candidate, Likely. 
(From the Pee Dee Daily.) 
WILD MAN ON WAY 

TO BENNETTSVILLE. 

* « « 

Some Shrug! 
(From the New York American.) 
Holt shrugged his broad shoulders 

and his teeth. 

* « » 

They're Coining Back. 
Paris dispatches indicate that the 
new fashion cheer will begin, "Hip! 
Hip !" 

Ercriidny Whoppers: 
"So glad to have met you." 
"Call and see us some time." 
"Sorry, but I just lent Blank my 
last fiver." 

"Send no money. This offer is ab- 
solutely free." 



"We're just out of that." 

"It's the principle of the thing, not 
the money." 

"Our side lost, but we won a Great 
Moral Victory." 

"Money always burned a hole in my 
pocket." 

"When I was young, children never 

did such things." 

• • • 

Why Not Advertise in Charlotte? 

(From the Cleveland Leader.) 

WANTED— Twenty laborers right 

away, mostly Vulgarians. 

» « « 

A Forward-looking Divine. 
Last Sunday a Michigan City (Ind.) 
pastor made the following announce- 
ment : "Next Sunday will be Chil- 
dren's Day, and if there are any chil- 
dren to be baptized, or if any of you 
know of people who may have chil- 
dren, will you kindly communicate with 

me." 

• * • 

Would be Jtist Like the Wretch. 
We shudder with a great fear that 

One wild-eyed Tarheel crony 
Is going to say that the yoimg man 

Kermitted matrimony. 

• • * 

Atid Echo Thunders "Where?" 
And Where's the old-fashioned boy 
who used to save up his coppers to buy 

all-day suckers? 

• • • 

Everything Would he Gorgeous. 
If Opportunity only knocked half as 
often as importunity ! 

Their Favorite Poets. 
The baseball fan — Homer. 
The surveyor — Bridges. 
The cook — Lamb. 
The housewife — Bi-oome. 
The old "reb" — Gray. 
The chiropodist — Bunyan. 
The circus man — Pindar. 
The pessimist — Crabbe. 
The fisherman — Rowe. 
The speed fiend — Swift. 
The sweet girl graduate — Lover. 

The militant suffragette — Burns. 

« * » 

You're Not Talking to Us. 
(Ad in the Mercy ville, la.. Banner.) 
I will get your wool every Satur- 
day — 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



111 



That Ought to Hold 'Em, Wes. 
(Udora Corr. Uxbridge, Outario, Free 
Press. ) 
Parties should beware that any one 
molestiug me on the night of my mar- 
riage will be severely dealt with, or any 
other time. I keep my own home and 
am well able to take care of a wife, my 
motto is to pay cash, and not stand 
about the store. Signed WESLEY 

CLARK, Udora. 

« * • 

It Must Be Sweltering In 
Sweatman, Miss. 
Heaters, W. Va. 
Hothouse, Ga. 
Fry, Ky. 
Suucook, N. H. 
Blaze, Ky. 

Furnace, Mass. 

» • • 

Impossible Sayings. 

"I would not advise you to pur- 
chase these goods, madam, as they are 
not as advertised." 

"Sure, I'm agent for this car, but I 
gotta say it's the punkest on the mar- 
ket." 

"Will you sign this subscription list, 
sir? We want to buy a handsome lov- 
ing cup for the umpire." 

"Don't put that dollar in the plate, 
if you please. A quarter will be am- 
ple." 

"Old man, here's that ten spot I bor- 
rowed from you last month." 

"Certainly, my dear ; invite your 
mother to visit us for as long as she 
likes." 

"I just dropped in to tell you how I 
admire the splendid work your paper 
is doing." 

"Mister, you dropped this pocket- 
book just now." 

« « « 

The Class in Geography. 
I've seen some funny motions. 
Pray, Gerald, do not mock ! 
Long, long ago, one stormy night. 
I saw a Plymouth Rock. 

— Cornell Widow. 

One speaks of funny motions. 
But hark, here's one I've found ; 

While passing near the geography 
I heard a Puget Sound. 

— Minnesota Minne-ha-ha. 



You speak of funny motions — 

Just list to this, I pray ; 
I heard one day not long ago 

Old San Francisco bay. 

— Princeton Tiger. 

Of the secrets of the ocean 

One hardly likes to speak ; 
But there was some funny motion — 

Or why did Chesapeake? 

— Columbia Jester. 

This watchful-waiting policy 

Is good, without a doubt ; 
For long ago upon the shore 

I saw a Cape Lookout. 

— Memphis Commercial Appeal. 

To spin this whimsy out too long 

I really do not care, 
So I won't mention what one day 

I saw the Delaware. 

The South in the Saddle. 

(From a catalogue of new dance rec- 
ords. ) 
"All Aboard for Dixieland." 
"When the Midnight Choo-Choo 

Leaves for Alabam'." 
"Virginia." 

"Waiting for the Robert E. Lee." 
"There's a Girl in the Heart of 

Maryland." 

"On the Mississippi." 

"Trail of the Lonesome Pine." 

"I'm Going Back to Memphis, Tenn." 

"Dixieland." 

"Cotton." 

"Southern Roses." 

» • » 

"Awake, Arise, or Be for Ever Fallen." 
(Quinlandtown Corr. Waynesville, 
N. C, Courier.) 

Glad to say that the people at Quin- 
landtown have sat on the stool of do 
nothing and nodded until they let the 
devil push them over sound asleep and 
have slept for some time, I am glad 
they have awoke at last to a sense of 

their duty. 

« • • 

Not Like Other Oirls. 
The mermaid is a funny girl, 
Now this we know is true ; 
She's never heard to ask a man 
To please tie up her shoe. 

— Yonkers Statesman. 



112 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Although she's truly in the swim, 

The mermaid never flirts ; 
She has no pesky corns to trim, 

And no divided skirts. 

— Youugtown Telegram. 

And vphen the mermaid's dressing, she 

Is never so incased 
In steel that she must ask some one 

To button up her waist. 

— Johnstown Democrat. 

Another of the mermaid's traits — 

She never frets or blubbers, 
When it has rained and things are 
damp. 
Because she's lost her rubbers. 

— New York Globe. 

Another trait that you must own 

Is really very shocking ; 
The mermaid never has been known 

To show an inch of stocking. 

« « « 

A Strange New Malady. 
( From the Bloomington, Ind., Student. ) 
Landis is still on the hospital list 
with a strained tendancy. 

That Joy Ride. 
Sherry, 
Merry. 

Hill, 
Spill. 

Drape, 
Crepe. 

That River of Doubt. 
Though Teddy raves 

And rants and blows. 
He can't produce 
His Eskimos. 

— Cincinnati Enquirer. 

He needs 'em not. 

Our Ted omniscient ; 
He says he found it. 

That's quite sufficient ! 

"The Secret of the Germans." — Phila- 
delphia North American. Oh, let the 
women tell it ! 

T. Roosevelt gnashes all his teeth, 
and rears and ramps and rages ; 

The war, you see, has shoved him back 
into the inside pages. 



Famous Johns. 
Barleycorn. 
Bull. 

John, the Baker's Son. 
Doe. 
Lind. 

D. 

« « » 

Can't See the Association. 
A volume of the Encyclopedia Brit- 
tanica is titled "ODE TO PAY." Most 
poets maintain there's no sequence. 

Where the Classics Hit .015. 
In dark Tarheelia if you speak 

Of Sappho you're looked at askance; 
They think that Croesus means the 
thing's 

That men have in their pants. 

• • » 

We All Knoiv the Type. 
The man who loudly proclaims that 
he gives the devil his due generally 
ends up by borrowing tobacco from him. 
» * * 
Tough Luck, Hop, Old Socks. 
(From the Monroe Co., Mo., Appeal.) 
While Uncle Hop Boweu was cele- 
brating his 79th birthday last week his 
wife presented him with twins, a boy 

and a girl. 

* « * 

Be Careful Where You Throw Your 
Necks. 

(Headline in New Orleans Times-Pic- 
ayune. ) 

NECK BROKEN WHEN 

THROWN INTO RIVER. 

« « * 

You'll Have to Forgive Us a Lot This 
Sort of Weather. 
Paragraphs are trooping so infre- 
quently to the grand old typewriter to- 
day that we were just on the point of 
falliiig back on that reliable old vet- 
eran, "Man proposes ; woman exposes," 
when we remembered that we had used 
it already about a dozen times in the 
last six months. 

He * * 

The Savage Landor Coleridge Revision. 
In Amazonia Roosevelt Khan 

A stately hunting-bag did fill, 
Where Bunk, the Doubtful River, ran 
Through caverns quite well known to 
man. 

Swift to its goal uphill. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



113 



Safest Thing on Earth. 
"No metal can touch you," says a 
garter ad. Remiuds us of a French 
duel. 

Cap'n Hobson Says : 
Little drops of water, 
Little sips of juice, 
Friend, will never land you 

In the calaboose. 

« « • 

Sivcet Secrets. 

Untold good — kisses. 

# « « 

An Undesirable Citizen. 
We wish the cops would tell him to 

Leave this burg with rapidity ; 
He is the cause of all our woe. 

You know the wretch — Hugh Midity. 

« * » 

The Inevitable Sequence. 
Side by side in a local bookstore win- 
dow are "The Woman Thou Gavest 

Me" and "The Hour of Conflict." 

« « » 

They Help Considerably. 
Marriages may be made in heaven, 
but it looks as if the parlor sofa and 
the hammock ought to gee a little 
credit. 

We Didn't! 
(Headline in New York Evening Sun.) 
COLUMBIA'S JOY TAKES FIRE; 

Drops of Water. 
Naughty little rain drops 

Make our straw hat nifty. 
Look like something labeled : 
Vintage 1850. 

— New York Evening Sun. 

Naughty little rain drops 

Make our suit of linen 
Look like we'd been getting 

Something like a skinnin'. 

— Youngstown Telegram. 

Naughty little rain drops 

Just when we are preenin' 
In our Palm Beach suit make 

The thing need a cleanin'. 

— Houston Post. 

Naughty little rain drops 

Such as on Sunday fell, 
Makes us cuss the sinner 

Who swiped our umberell. 



Why, Ruth; Ain't You 'Shamed? 
Hon. Ruth St. Denis is a danseuse 
of the Gertie Hoffman persuasion, but 
she must outGertie Gertie these here 
days, for, take it from the Chicago 
Post, "Ruth St. Denis will show her 
whole repertory." 

Other Lands Than Ours — No. 3. 
It must be great to be a man 

In far off, languorous Japan ; 
The wife there must fan spouse all day 

While he loafs round in negligee. 

A Midsummer Knight's Dream. 
"Sir Thomas Lipton said that he 
placed full confidence in the ability of 
Shamrock IV to bring the America's 

Cup to Great Britain." — News item. 

» » » 

As Shakespere Might Have Written 
Them Today. 

Sweet are the uses of advertising. 

All the world's a film. 

Baseball acquaints a man with 
strange Fed. fellows. 

There was never yet philosopher that 
could endure watchful waiting patient- 
ly. 

The course of true peace never did 
run smooth. 

Discretion is the better part of Villa. 

It is a wise stock that knows its own 
par. 

For in my youth I never did apply 
hot and rebellious grape juice in my 
blood. 

She sat like Pankhurst on a monu- 
ment. 

England, bound in with the trium- 
phant she. 

* * • 

Other Lands Than Ours — No. 3. 
In China when a fellow ought 

To pay his tax but fails. 
They send him to the block — in short. 

A case of head or taels. 

You Bet Your Life. 
Not that our lone vote would do him 
much good, but Colonel ; Roosevelt 
would get it in a jiffy if he would just 
insist that the next bull moose plat- 
form contain a ringing anti-okra plank. 

Well, Ain't They? 
Union cards — wedding invitations. 



114 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



You Might Escape the Heat in: 
Ice, Ky. 
Peary, Va. 
Breezy Point, N. H. 
Cbill^-, Ida. 
Frost, Miiin. 
Cold Stream. W. Va. 
Glacier, Mont. 
Snowball, Ark. 

Zero, Ky. 

• • * 

The Boarders Expect It. 
It is time for summer boarders, and 

no farmer should neglect 
To practice several hours a day on 

rural dialect. 

• • • 

Poor Old Pop! 
The average young mamma may be 
the speaker of the house, but we know 
who's floor-leader during the night ses- 
sions. 

« * * 

T. R.'s Forenoon Programme Today. 

6 :30 — Rise, shave, bathe and dress. 

6 :o2— Breakfast. 

6:35 — Motor to the palace. (Voice: 
"But d'you reckon the king and queen 
will be up?") They'd better be up! 

6:50 — Receive their majesties in au- 
dience. 

T :00 — Work out a new foreign policy 
for Spain. 

7 :10 — Drive to inspect art galleries. 

7:12— Return and tell Alfonso all 
about that new river. 

8:30— Write 2000-word address for 
the Royal Geographical society. 

9:30— Read 15,000 volumes of mod- 
ern Spanish literature. 

10:02— Go to bullfight. Most of the 
bull to be furnished by the Colonel. 

10:42 — Wade over to England and 
choke Savage Laudor. 

10 :4T — Wade bacK. 

11:00 — Review the array and navy, 
visit the Cortes, organize the Spanish 
Ananias Club, shake hands with 345.- 
987 people, and seriously ponder over 
the advisability of running for king. 

12 :00 — Colonel's orderly drops dead 

from exhaustion. 

» * « 

The Difference. 
The male humorist tells side-split- 
ters; the female humorist wears 'era. 



Whaddyc Mean, Full Outfit f 
(Ad in the Montclair, N. J., Times.) 
Ladies' bathing suits of the most ex- 
quisite style ; made of wool, brillian- 
tine silk and other materials. The full 
outfit consists of shoes and rubber 

hand bag. All sizes. 

» * * 

''How's the Folks, Sif" 
How doth the busy candidate 
Keep always on the jump ; 
There's scarce a hand in this broad 
land 
That will not get a pump. 

One Exception. 
Consistency is the one jewel that 
very few women have any use for. 

* * * 

Dr. Bonn predicts a toeless age. and 
Harvard is gladder than ever that 

Charlie Brickley is alive now. 

* * * 

Every little donkey has a heehaw all 

his own. 

* * » 

Got Aug 2[a-iu-Law Poison. 

(From the Reedsburg, Wis., Free 

Press.) 

Our aunt poison drives aunts out of 

the house. 10c. a package. Mueller's 

Drug Store. 

« * • 

To the Weather Man. 
Little drops of water. 
Little gobs of dew. 
Is just what you ought to 

Give us P. D. Q. 

* * ♦ 

His One Limitation. 
A clever artist chap is Hugh 

Eliphalet Macbeth : 
He can draw anything for you 

Except a sober breath. 

* « * 

Many Canadians are literally in 
transports over th;^ war. 

He's Been There. Too. 
"Chased by a Moose" is a current 
"Leslie's" story that Prof. Tafr will 
doubtless read with sympathetic mter- 
est. 

Maghe Doc Marg Walker'll Try a Pair. 
(From the St. Joseph, Mo., News- 
Press.) 
For Sale— 1.000 pairs automatic 
pants. Call 517 Edraond St. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



115 



The Law Can't Oct You When You 
Kill ji story 
Steal a base 
Hang a jury 
Smother a yawn 
Drown a sorrow 
Shoot the chutes 
Kick the bucket 
Strike a bargain 

Beat a game. 

* • • 

An Arboreal Retort. 

"Ambitious twig, you'll suffer most 
from clipping!" warned the moralist. 

"If the farmer neglects his hedge, 
watch me put these other young 

sprouts in the shade." 

* » « 

Yep. 
It's too late now for money to make 
the mare go. The automobile beat it 

to it. 

* » • 

Famous Firms. 
(Second Reel.) 
Heart&Soul. 
Frills& Furbelows. 
Fair&Warmer. 
Fuss&Feathers. 
♦Law & Order. 
Hammer»&Tongs. 
Horse, Foot&Dragoons. 
Thick&Thin. 
Root&Branch. 
Cut&Dried. 
Sere&Yellow. 
Touch&Go. 
High&Dry. 
Might&Main. 
Tooth&Nail. 
■ Short&Sweet. 



♦Regret we cannot give present 
whereabouts of this firm, it having 
moved from South Carolina about four 
.vears ago. 

• » • 

We Shotild Really Be Slapped on the 

Wrist. 

It was unmilitary for the Americans 

to precipitate themselves on us with 

such suddenness. — Gen. Gustavo Maas. 

Fact. 
One doesn't have to be a tailor to 
take the measure of some folks. 



"IF" 
(To a Member and Adornment of the 

"Femail Sect.") 
If there could be blended 
All the turquoise tints that stain 
the western skies, 
'Twould be far less splendid, 
Love, than thine eyes. 

If some attared, vagrant 

Wind might waft the sweet a laden 
queen-bee sips, 
'Twould not seem moi-e fragrant. 

Love, than thy lips. 

If there were a measure 
Glittering high with gems of pope 
and king and Guelph, 
'Twould be a poor treasure. 

Love, to thyself! 

* • • 

No British reverses could be as bad 

as their verses. 

« « * 

We suppose that the Czar's address 
to Poland began, "Gentlemen of the 
Jewry." 

Short Lines. 
From Pit to Dome. 
" A to Izard. 
" Bad to Worse. 
" Day to Day. 
" Time to Time. 
" H— to Halifax. 
Head to Foot. 

Stem to Stern. 

* # » 

Irvin's One Drawhack. 
A brainy man is Irvin Cobb, 

The first of all our humorists, he; 
And he is always on the job 

Writing things wittily. 
But if we owned old Irvin's mug, 
Usthinks that we would beg or bor- 
row 
The price to get a brimming jug, 

And straightway drown our sorrow ! 

* * * 

Whatever language money talks, it's 

all Greek to most of us. 

* » » 

The Reporter's Still Running. 
(From the Grand Rapids, Wis., Re- 
porter. ) 
The dog is a mongrel belonging to 
a man named Hinner, who lives near 
the south side mill and has a reputa- 
tion of being an ugly brute. 



116 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



How'd the Cards Run, T. H.f 
(From the Red Wing, Minn., Echo.) 

Mrs. Tyrus Henry White left Sat- 
urday for Elyria to spend some time 
with relatives there. 

Zed Rumford, Dock Anderson and 
Will Higgins spent Saturday night and 
Sunday with T. H. White. 

Yep; We Bought a Copy on the 

Strength of the Ad. 

"The sort of book," blurbs A. C. 

McClurg&Co., "that appears just about 

once in a generation." Thank heaven ! 

The Dentist. 
The invitation sounds polite. 

And yet we're full of gloom 
Whene'er he asks us to step right 

Into his drawing room. 

Please Omit Tears. 

(Edna Goodrich, the actress, says 
she will never return to the United 
States of her own free will. — News 
Item.) 
No more upon our Yankee boards 

Will Edna languish. 
But this dispatch, we're free to say. 

Gives us no anguish. 

For, while it may sound ungallant. 

Candor requires 
Agreement with the headline which 

Says "Goodrich Tires." 

Well, Why Not ? 
Could you speak of these forenoon 

tango affairs as morning dips? 

* * * 

Their Occupations : 
The telephone girl follows a calling. 
The horse-dealer a trade. 
The seaman a craft. 
The detective a pursuit. 
The postman a walk of life. 

Thrilling Statistics You May Not 
Know : 
Germany has 500,000 cats. 
England has 4.000,000 dogs. 

Yes. 
The man must be 

A heathen Turk 
Who's not in love 

With Billie Burke. 



Our Best Sellers. 
(H. Rider Haggard.) 
Just mix a Zulu impi and 

A treasure cavern subterrene, 
An undiscovered Afric land, 

A captive, captivating queen, 
Some battles, and a witch or two. 

Some hunting yarns adroitly spun. 
Some loving, and a hitch or two, 

And Rider Haggard's novel's done. 

* • • 

Quit Your Knocking! 
Burying the hatchet is all very well, 
but if you want to help your town the 
thing to bury is the hammer. 

Fits the Case. 
That queer old phrase "Touch and 
go" must have been especially invented 

to describe bill-collectors. 

* * • 

Things You Never Hear. 

"No, madam, these eggs are not very 
fresh." 

"You're sure $10 will be enough, old 
man?" 

"Let me bat again, umps ; that hit 
was foul by a foot." 

"That cigar costs more, sir, but I 
think you will like this brand mucii 
better." 

"What an ugly baby ! Aren't you 
ashamed to own such a little satyr?'' 

"Please tell the society editor not to 
write up my reception tonight." 

"The reason I spent so much last 

term, dad, was poker and booze." 

« • • 

Maybe the Gent, is a Ball Player. 
(North Freedom Cor. Sank County . 
Wis., Democrat.) 
Thomas Jefferson went to Madison 
and had an operation performed in 
which he had some bones removed 
from his head. 

w « « 

How Did They? 
What always puzzled us, though, is 
how the fool and his money ever hap- 
pened to get together. 

* « » 

Nobody will regret the war more in 
after years than the two helpless Lon- 
don infants who have been named Al- 
bert Leman Liege Hopkins and Ma- 
rie Alsace Lorraine Lecomte. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



117 



They Sure Are Wonders. 
As linguists motliei's are the champs, 

Just put that down as true ; 
They know just what the little scamps 

Mean when they gurgle "Goo !" 

Murphy has decided to back Hearst 
for the Democratic Senatorial nomi- 
nation. Hearst's cartoonists used to 
picture Murphy in convict garb and 
Murphy has frequently flayed the yel- 
low publisher in unprintable terms. 
Each has an epidermis by which a 
rhinoceros hide would seem like tis- 
sue paper. 

• • • 

Them Monlceys Again! 
(From the Amsterdam (N. Y.) News.) 
The authorities say that the colored 
soldiers are more suited for the go- 
rilla like warfare, and to the tropical 
climate than the white soldiers. 

Take a Look, Willyum. 
If Brother Alsorandolph Hearst will 
swivel his bright blue eyes on the 
<<)ver and pages 13-16 inclusive of the 
current Harper's Weekly, he will find 
there some natty little observations 

rhat wUl doubtless interest him. 

« « » 

Where Some Ballplayers Must Hail 
From : 
Ivory, Mo. 
Marblehead, Mass. 
Boneville, Ga. 
Concrete, Va. 
Bullhead, S. D. 

Nut, Fla. 

* « « 

Bote! Woiv! 
It's too much of a puzzle for 

Me, and I'm in the dark. 
Just why a ship's a dog of war 

When it is not a bark. 

Tennyson's Little Joke. 
"Better fifty years of Europe than a 
cycle of Cathay." 

« « • 

Well Take Six Brunettes, Please. 

A Chicago florist advertises, "June 
brides ! We are in a position to fill 
the largest or smallest bridal order." 

Especially When a Hammock's Handy. 
The best vacation temperature is two 
in the shade. 



Whaddye Mean, Young* 

(From the Boston American.) 

Congratulations are being extended 

to Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Shea of South 

Boston upon the birth of a young baby 

girl. 

* * * 

Presidential Expletives. 
The President is mUd as May 

In most things, but 
He can upon occasion say 
"Tut-tut." 

— Louisville Courier-Journal. 

When much provoked he has been 

heard 
To murmur "Drat it !" 
And once — just once — that naughty 

word: 

"Dod-rat it!" 

» « • 

Unrecorded History. 

"After his audience with the king, 
Colonel Roosevelt returned to the 
American embassy." 

"King Alfonso at once went to bed 

and slept for 15 hours." 

* * * 

Oh, Piffle. 
Many a time and oft we sit and won- 
der in our mildly curious way in what 
drawer of the weather bureau they 
keep the sheet lightning. 

An Early Pest. 
The daffydil fiend is as old as the earth. 

We are willing to bet you a hat 
That he loafed 'round the Ark and 
giggled in mirth : 

"Now what do you Noah 'bout that?" 

« « * 

No. 
The average elderly .sister doesn't 
have to own an automobile to run down 
people. 

« « * 

A Damm-Oood Match. 
(From the Toronto Star.) 
William Damm and Lena Good were 
married recently at Listowel. It was 
a good move for William, but no doubt 
the change of name will prove rather 
startling to Lena for a while. 



The last 
tion seems 
fund. 



German 
to have 



naval 
been 



appropria- 
a sinking 



118 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



"Try Americau Wines." — Headlini'. 
We Imve, aud fouiul theiu all guilty. 

A New Yoi-k actress seeks a divorce 
merely because her spouse habitually 
slapped her face, piuched her, knocked 
her down aud got drunk. W^omen are 
getting more and more exacting aud 

unreasonable. 

« * * 
Wilhelm has conferred the Iron 
Cross upon the Crown Trince, and the 
Double Cross upon Victor Emmanuel. 

Vale. 
The wild waves call ; 

In fact, they shriek — 
So this is all 

Fr'at least a week. 

Our Asheville spies report that as 
soon as it was learned that the English 
would employ Indian troops. Elder 
Caine laughed a fiendish laugh and 
asked what will the Hindu. 

"God has supported him most bril- 
liantly," says the Kaiser of the Crown 
Prince. Isn't that condescending of 
Wilhelm ! 

« • «- 

Well, Every Little Helps. 

(From the Lane, W\ Va., Recorder.) 

Mrs. Munsau's bridge party was a 

great success socially. The hostess 

appeared in a large bunch of spring 

violets. 

» » » 

Yessir ! 
(No. 2.) 
"Blow, blow, thou winter wind," the 
pote 
Once wrote. 
And (though this will astonish you). 
It blew! 

J'robablij. 
The author of "America" coiildn't 
have penned it in the more or less 
good old summer time, or he'd have 
written it "Land where my father.s 
fried." 

Affinities. 
The Easle to the Mountain. 

The River to the Se-i ; 
The Milkrann to the Fountain. 

And the Sheckels to Johndee ! 



A Great Truth. 
Presents also make the heart grow 
fonder. 

More Gcographieal Notables. 
Mme. Nevada. 
Joe Holland. 
Clyde Milan. 
Edith Helena. 
Dean Worcester. 
Stanley Waterloo. 

George Randolph Chester. 

« « » 

Here's a Free Ad. for Woodrow. 
Dr. Tut-Tut's Little Mediation Pills. 
At All Druggists. One Dose Does The 
Work. 

* * * 

Journalistic Candor. 
IT TAKES GAS TO RUN A PAPER. 

— Headline in the Ocala (Fla.) Star. 

Sounds Like a Good Reason. 
(Adv. in the Wheeling Register.) 
Because of my recent death, I will 

sell all the stock and fixtures of my 

store. J. Beuzig. 

Why Do We Say: 
Bald as a coot? 
Strong as an ox? 
Full as a goat? 
Rude as a bear? 
Busy as a bee? 
Gay as a lark? 
Merry as a cricket? 
Pale as a ghost? 
Safe as a bank? 
Warm as a toast? 

Sick as a dog? 

* « « 

// so. Let Him Join the Vamoose 

Party. 
Breathes there a man with soul so 
dead. 
Who never to himself hath said : 
"Let Savage Laudor rant and roar 

I'll stand by grand old Theodore." 

« « * 

Better Quit It, FclloiPs! 
(From the Albany. 111.. Review.) 
Notice— "Bill" Smith desires the 
Review to warn all people against 
gambling on his love affairs. It makes 
him peevish and he threatens to prose- 
cute. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



119 



The Albany Herald says one baby is 
born in Germany every 16 seconds. 

He must find it very tiresome. 

* • » 

Hellup ! 
Some of the stars we've seen danc- 
ing the new "twinkle" might well be 
a little meteor. 

Uh, Huh. 
Through Cupid's wiles some women 
wed, 
Others because they're lonely ; 
Some marry for protection's sake, 

And some for revenue only. 

* « • 

Some Improvement. 
On the front page we'll try to bear 

The Colonel's jaw ; 
For, anyway, he's better there 

Than Harry Thaw. 

« * » 

Mercy I 
Though he told us what Juliet, 

Fair Avon's bard passed up a bet ; 
Now we shall never, never know 

Exactly whom did Romeo. 

Somewhere T. R. is speaking. 

« * w 

Sartorial Note. 
The women's chorus, "O, Maidens 
Fair," displayed a pretty elasticity. — 

Spartanburg Festival item. 

* « • 

Bibulous Burgs. 
Steins, New Mexico. 
Booz. Tenn. 
Rye, Fla. 
Drinker, Pa. 
Sherry, Wis. 
Port, Okla. 
Beerston, N. Y. 
Gin, Miss. 
Brewersville, Ind. 
Brandy Keg, Ky. 
Wine, Va. 
And last, but not least: 

Bromo, Ky. 

« « » 

Misnomers. 
Why do we speak of "common" 
sense and "idle" rumor? Sense isn't 
a bit common, and rumor has the well- 
known and justly-celebrated little busy 
bee looking like a hookworm. 



There is no better way to cure a 
fellow's itch for office than scratch- 
ing. 

• • • 

Fhoirl 
A soprano who sang in the choir 
Remarked to the alto right bhoir 

"I saw you last July 

Kiss the Rev. on the sly," 

But the lady replied, "You're a Ihoir !" 

* • * 

Very Little Choice. 
A choice of evils twain there are. 

But 1 can't choose, I own, 
Between the male soprano and 

The female baritone. 

* • • 

Maybe. 
"The day wore on," the author writ. 

But quite forgot to say 
What duds they were ; d'you reckon it 

Could be the close of day? 

• • • 

/. W. W. Barnes. 
Ann Anarchy 
Miss D. Meaner 
Dinah Mite 
Vi O'Lence 
Fan Atie 

Sue I. Cide. 

» • • 

Puzzle : Find the Groom. 
(From the Chicago News.) 
The marri.ige of Miss Mary Estelle 
Hebard, daughter of Mr. and Mrs.. 
Frank Hebard, 203 South Euclid ave- 
nue. Oak Park, will take place Wednes- 
day evening, June .3, in the home of the 
bride's parents. The young people 
will make a honeymoon tour of Canada 

and the Eastern States. 

• « • 

Suitable Clothes. 
For the soldier — drill. 
For the ball player— -mufti. 
For the circusman — canvas. 
For the Republican — worsted. 
For the barber — mohair. 
For John D. — oilcloth. 

For the financier — checks. 

* • • 

Was There Anything in a KameT 
"Who was the first niilitant?" asks 
an exchange. Well, th',re is "burning 
Sappho." 



120 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Oddities. 

A Chicago lunchroom sign : "We 
Bake and Cook Ourselves." 

The Peoria Herald-Transcript says : 
"More than fifty shots were dis- 
charged, and Peter Tuddy, a bystander, 
was slightly wounded in the badomen." 

The Cambridge City (Ind.) Tribune 
remarks that "Henry Ford has notified 
his employes that they must not live 
in squalled tenements." 

A Lafayette (Ind.) store advertises: 
"Anybody who wears our shoes will 
have a fit." 

The Allentown (Pa.) Call chronicles 
the fact that Superintendent of Schools 

Seltzer is charged with drunkenness. 

« « « 

A guy who was soused with cham- 
pagne 
Was asked if he thought it would 
ragne ; 
"Hope (hie) not," quoth he, 
For I've been on a spree, 
And lost my umbrella agagne !" 

Wasn't it Atvful, MaybeUef 
Last Monday's was a business grim 

For quite a large-sized group ; 
They thought that they were in the 
swim — 

It proved to be the soup. 

* • # 

De Profundis. 
The estimable Baltimore Evening 
Sun credited the first reel of After- 
math's "Geographical Notables" to the 
Detroit News, and now charges the 
Grand Rapids Press with the author- 
ship of "Famous Jacks." Some weeks 
ago we dubbed the lady tangoer a tan- 
gerine, and that paragraph is now 
going the rounds of the press with 
great eclat, tacked on to some Cincin- 
nati paper. When it comes to Hard 
Luck, this poor old colyum can always 
be counted on to bat 1000. 

Social Note. 
Mr. and Mrs. Flannel are off for the 
summer. 

The Better Part of Valor. 
The make-up man left town in haste; 

His name was Mike Maloney ; 
The Ed. wrote of a "bonny lass" — 

The wretch set it up "boney." 



A Versatile Steed. 
(From the New York Telegraph.) 
WANTED — Industrious young man 
of good reputation to take care of a 
gentleman's horse who can play a cor- 
net in an amateur orchestra for extra 
pay once or twice a week. 

Superfluous Adjectives. 
"Frenchmen Fight Bloodless Duel." 
"LaFollette Plans Long Speech." 
"T. R. Shoots Huge Jaguar." 
"Wilson Makes Deep Impression." 

"Hearst Prints Sensational Story." 

« * * 

Mo7e Bihulous Burgs. 
Barley, Mont. 
Malt, Ky. 
Champaign, 111. 
Cognac, N. C. 
Madeira, O. 
Bordeaux, S. G. 

Bourbon. Ind. 

« * » 

His Majesty's Little Joke. 
Chef — "How will you have the mis- 
sionary roast, your maj?" 
Cannibal King — "Well done, thou 

good and faithful servant." 

• » • 

Why the MaJce-Up Man Left Town. 
(From Fort Dodge, la., Messenger.) 

Born, to Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Han- 
son, a daughter, today. 

Born to Mr. and Mrs. R. P. Holder- 
baum, a daughter, this morning. 

Mary had a little lamb. Read sign 

corner 11th St. and Central Ave. — Adv. 

• » * 

The Exception. 
1 love a double-eagle, 

A joyful thing to see; 
A double-wedding is a sight 

That always pleases me, 
I love a double-header, 

The more so when we win ; 
The only double that I hate 

Is this here double-chin. 

• « ft 

Noctitrne. 
At even we lay us down to snore 

In Morphean fetters. 
That is, when the adjacent corps 

Of cats will let us. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES, 



121 



Little Facts About the Great. 
Mayor Mitchell uses words. 
Vice-President Marshall eats food. 
Oscar Underwood sleeps ui a bed. 
Ollie James wears trousers. 
Admiral Mayo brushes his hair. 
Woodrow Wilson writes on paper. 
Joseph G. Cannon smokes tobacco. 

A Very Belated Discovery. 
London doctor says the average per- 
son has one leg longer than the other. 
Especially the average papa. 

Famous Jacks. 
Tar. 

A. Napes. 
O. Lantern. 
Sprat. 
Frost. 

The Giant Killer. 
Robinson. 

Ass. 

* * * 

Hints to Tourists. 
Brewers should to Malta go, 

Fools to the rocks of Scilly, 
Quakers to the Friendly Isles 
And furriers to Chili. 

— London Standard. 
Hungry men to the Sandwich Isles. 

Anarchists to Bombay, 
Topers to Bar Harbor — tramps 
In Bath should make a stay. 

— Boston Transcript. 
Tangoers should rush to the Steppes, 

There's Greenland for the crook, 
Musicians all might try Cape Horn, 

The anglers Holland's Hook. 

* « « 

A Brilliant Thotight. 
But if the purpose of the mediators 
is to patch up a peace, why not meet 
tn New York, where Cleopatra's needle 

is so convenient? 

* * * 

They Should Fret. 
I cannot sing the old songs 

I sang long years ago ; 
Which fact no doubt's a great relief 

To folks the floor below. 

Meow ! 
Every dog doth have his day. 

So says the proverb trite; 
And here's where we horn in to say 

That the cat has the night. 



Tender Recollections. 
The carnation is the official Mothers' 
Day flower, though most small boys 
regard the lady-slipper as much more 

appropriate. 

« « « 

Proof Wanted. 
To silence the numerous doubters, 

We reckon it's up to Ted 
To show a tooth from that rivers' 
mouth, 
Or some feathers from its bed. 

— Boston Transcript. 
Some volts from its current might 
serve him 
To silence the ignorant cranks. 
But the surest proof that I know 
would be 

A deposit from its banks. 

» « » 

What Secretary Daniels did as a so- 
cial affront to our navy, all the other 
admiralties have done as a war meas- 
ure to theirs, so there you are. 

« « « 

Unusual Frankness. 

(From Centralia (Mo.) Messenger.) 

The couple were married 

at the home of the bride's parents, 

where they will remain untU the groom 

gets a position. 

» » * 

More Famous Firms. 
Coming & Going. 
Ever & Anon. 
Worse & Worse. 
Neatness & Dispatch. 
Rough & Ready. 
Beer & Skittles. 
Fine & Dandy. 
Rank & File. 
Blood & Thunder. 
Neck & Neck. 
Far & Near. 

"Americans to fight for France," says 
a Paris cable. Well, turn about's fair 

play. 

» • • 

If you don't like this soaring sugar, 
you'll simply have to lump it. 

What's in a name? Well, there's 
generally lockjaw in a Russian one. 

Things might be worse. Suppose 
T. R. were a war poet ! 



122 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Music Hath Charms. 
I saw an old musician get 

A hundred fish from morn to noon ; 
For every time he Castanet 

He cauglit a big bassoon. 

France insists that she can stand a 
loan. 

Belgian hares seem to be so built 
that they do not know how to run. 

Maps of Finland are naturally drawn 
to scale. 



The latest from 
"broke" office-seeker. 



Washington — a 



Anyway, we can still get Bacon and 
Lamb at the bookshops at the same 

old prices. 

• • • 

The devil never has to use want 
ads. 

Chicago Germans are aroused over a 
sculptor's assertion that Bismarck was 
bow-legged. Why did not this tactless 
gentleman simply say that his legs 
were without a parallel? 

Mrs. Pankhurst resembles a thor- 
oughbred in this, that it's hard to get 
a bit between her teeth. 

Elder Wilson, it seems, gives more 
thought to the doctrine of election than 
the doctrine of appointment. 

Be good, but don't be forever talk- 
ing about your prowess in that line. 
And, above all, don't be goody-goody. 

"Dr. Charles F. Aked Disgusted 
With Kings," says a headline. Our 
sympathies, Doctor. Others know how 

it is to hold queens against them, too. 

* » » 

The chief trouble with an idle rumor 
is that it is never idle. 

But how can all the 2:30 a. m. in- 
comes be taxed at the source? 

There is a place open for Hennessy 
in the Irish Legion. 

"Gi'e^t Battle Nears Crisis." — Head- 
line. What, another one? 



It isn't necessary, however, for a 
barber to have a cast-iron stomach, 
simply because he lives on shavings. 

A lot of family trees are shady. 

The course of true love never runt^ 
so smooth as when there are banks on 
both sides. 

» * * 

Why doesn't Mexico shuck off that 
greasy uniform and get a Union suit? 

Man's inhumanity to man makes* 
countless thousands of scenarios. 

Delaware should make its State bird 
the whippoorwill. 

Stone broke — the Venus de Milo. 

The Progressive party seems to have 
shrunk to the size of a bull mouse. 

"Life is not a dress parade," says 
Secretary Garrison. Quite the reverse, 
if he refers to the weekly. 

Nothing cheers the heart so much 
as when the Democratic rooster crows 

"McAdoo-dle — doo !" 

» * « 

London daily sees a demonstration 

of woman's rights — to the jaw. 

« « * 

Have the militants burned any milli- 
nery shops? No! 

* « « 

"Parrot Reels Off Long Words"— 
Pollysyllables, of course. 

A kiss is an emergency that a sen- 
sible girl meets face to face. 

« « « 

The three most unfathomable things 
in this world are a woman, a doctor's 
prescription, and a Chinese laundry 
ticket. 

* « * 

In attempting to show the antiquity 
of baseball, it is strange that the usu- 
ally alert Asheville Citizen forgot to 
cite that thrilling moment in the ark 
when the dove went out on a fly. 

* * * 

Somebody asks why cities are called 
"she," and our guess is that it is be- 
cause they have outskirts. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



123 



"The new Mexican loan will run for 
ten years." Reminds us of T. R. 

* * * 

The president of the chewing gum 
trust is suing for divorce, though one 
naturally expected he would stick. 

A dollar in a stingy man's pocket 
represents close quarters. 

* * * 

The Kodak Trust naturally thinks 
the Government's suit is the result of 
snap-judgment. 

* * * 

Chauncey Depew is the latest yarn 
manufacturer to disapprove of the Un- 
derwood bill. 

Nurse a grievance and it'll grow. 

» « • 

That chip on Carranza's shoulder 
must have dropped from his head. 

We suspect that a bearded bird in 

Washington is much more in T. R.'s 

thoughts these days than the Trini- 
dad one. 

Well, if Ireland doesn't like a draft, 
there's her Ulster. 

Prussia is determined to win Ver- 
dun, if it takes her last Bavarian. 

If Mexico can't form a stable gov- 
ernment, it isn't for any lack of don- 
keys. 

The old-fashioned man who pro- 
posed on his knees now has a sou who 
proposes while she is on his knees. 



Leonard 
wouldn't. 



Wood, but Congress 



It's a dead cinch that there couldn't 
have been any British blockade when 
Joseph got that coat of many colors. 

Amy Lowell says that people should 
not write for money. We take it that 

Amy has a boy at college. 

* * * 

Who sows mines does not always 
reap disaster. 

Don't squander too much sympathy 
when she says she has had a trying 
day. The reference may be merely to 
an extended sesh with the dressmaker. 



Germany's real food dictator seems 
to be Admiral Jellicoe. 

Even that extra hour of daylight 
probably won't hinder the censor from 

keeping England in the dark. 

* * * 

The man of the hour is the one who 

is right up to the minute. 

* * * 

Villa may be in straits, but bringing 

him to bay is something else. 

* * * 

Every time the Germans get mad 
with the British Navy, they go out and 
blow up a Dutch ship. 

w « « 

Pacifists may at least point with 
pride to the fact that the Venus de 
Milo is unarmed. 

Sound sleep— snores. 

We couldn't help having some little 
sympathy with the biggest scoundrel 
unhung, if we knew he wrote to his 
mother pretty regularly. 

Costly Oentletnan Cow Changes Hands. 
(Hamilton, Ohio, Republican-News.) 
Paul King purchased a valuable red 
male cow last week. 

The fly in the Old Guards' ointment 
seems to be T. R.'s bee. 

When a fat girl has a rich father 
she is not fat. She has a Becoming 
Embonpoint. 

And the wages of Sinn Fein is death. 

Ever Lamp the CoJoneVs Mouth? 

An exchange says that the Colonel 
was born with a silver spoon in his 
mouth. It must have been a table- 
spoon. 

Probably the quickest way to make 
yourself solid with a man is to tell 
him that people do not understand him. 

Brooklyn's barber's strike is spread- 
ing from pole to pole. 

If International Merchantile Marine, 
which has $.50,000,000 in cash on hand, 
is a war bride it must be a mermaid. 

"America first" is the best policy to 
make America last. 



124 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Looks as if necessity may be the 
mother of intervention, too. 

Now that we have a Baker as well 
as a Kitchen, it should be easier to 

cook Villa's goose. 

« « « 

Astonishing discovery by the Wash- 
ington Post's headline writer: "Man 
Starves to Death for Want of Food." 

Soap is 60 cents a cake in Mexico. 

The high cost of laving, so to speak. 

* * * 

Nothing to speak of — Kisses. 

* « » 

A belligerant nation naturally has to 

put up a good front. 

• * • 

Present status of the submarine con- 
troversy may yet make it necessary to 
change it to "Yankee Dawdle." 

Prom his own record Leonard Wood 
would be a rotten golfer. He went out 
in '98 and came back in '99. 

It sounds paradoxical, but when two 
men have it in for each other they 

usually have it out. 

• « « 

If there is anything sadder than a 
comic weekly, we suppose it is a dear 
old Yankee trying to tell a negro dia- 
lect story. 

» • » 

A woman will take it philosophically 
when a yegg jimmies into the dining 
room and gets all the family silver. 
But she will have a twin-six, 18-karat 

fit if another woman copies her hat. 

• • • 

The T. R. demand will never exceed 

the T. R. supply. 

• • • 

Colonel Edward M. House's motion 
of reckless garrulity seems to be ad- 
mitting to the reporters that it's a fine 

day. 

* * * 

T. R., with all thy faults, we love 

thee still, or as still as possible. 

« * « 

Ulster just can't stand Pat. 

* • • 

"I was profoundly touched," began 
the Colonel. Something tells us that 
Perkins is also going to be profoundly 
touched before long. 



"Of All Glad Words " 

"Have one on me." 

"With the compliments of the sea- 
son." 

"Fuscallfordinnerinthe dinincarfor- 
rud'" 

"Your examination paper was per- 
fect." 

"I'm going to try you out on the 
varsity." 

"She said she was simply crazy 
about you." 

"Yes, sir ; your train's on time." 

"The boss has decided to raise your 
salary." 

"Enclosed find check." 

"It's a boy." 

What Candidates Don't Say. 

"I'm after the salary — darn the 
honor of the office !" 

"My opponent has made an excellent 
record." 

"I have about given up hope of carry- 
ing this county." 

"I must confess there is more gen- 
tleman cow than common sense in my 
speeches." 

"I can't say much for either the 
good looks or intelligence of this audi- 
ence." 

"No, ma'am, I don't want to kiss 
your baby, the hideous little brat." 

"Probably John C. Calhoun had a 

little something on me as a statesman." 

« * « 

Sotne Famous Columns. 
Pershing's. 
Nelson's. 
Trajan's. 
Flying. 
Spinal. 

(Business of blushing.) 

» » « 

Life, liberty and the pursuit of 

Villa ! 

• » ♦ 

This peroxide famine certainly is 

tough on the bleachers. 

» » » 

Sprinkle, sprinkle, water wagon ! 
When we hap to have a jag on 
You wake in us derisive laughter — 

But, ah, not so, the morning after ! 

» * * 

Congress still seems more partial to 
the pork-barrel than to the gun-barrel. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



125 



The trouble about a huge navy is 
that we'd have to use it or we 
wouldn't. 

Persons familiar with his habits will 
be hard to convince that "Villa got 

clean away. 

• * * 

When a woman goes into a store to 
buy a spool of thread, she usually be- 
gins by pricing a $2,000 set of furs. 

Mr. Bryan has refused a $150,000 
Chautauqua offer in order to remain in 
Nebraska and stump the State in the 
interest of his brother's candidacy for 
the Democratic nomination for gov- 
ernor. Mr. Bryan is the man the 
standpat press tells us "cares only for 
dollars." 

What's in a name? One of the 
strongest preparedness advocates is 
Congressman Meeker. 

With all his faults, you must say 
this for Villa. He does not pretend 
that he carries on his rascality for the 

sake of culture. 

• • * 

It would take a lot fatter volume 
than Dickens' to hold present-day 

"American Notes." 

» • » 

Suggested motto for Mex. border : 

"All soap abandon, ye who enter here." 

» » « 

Magazinely Speaking. 
The European outlook is that a lot 
more woman's home companions will 

soon be harpers. 

» « * 

Herr Viereck should be satisfied at 
last. Indiana's new Senator hails 
from French Lick. 

We see by the Petrograd cables that 
the Russians yesterday captured 18 

assorted consonants and a vowel. 

» « * 

The war is costing millions of 
pounds, and it may also cost a few 
sovereigns. 

Raw recruits are soon roasted. 

• » » 

Texas expects every militiaman to 
do his duty as he feels like it. 



Even the worthy Homer sometimes 
nods. Here's an English stylist like 
Doc Eliot of Harvard writing: "The 
Rockefeller Foundation is the largest 
and freest benevolence ever attempted 
in the world that I have ever heard 

anything about." 

« * « 

A lassie with a smile and 
A tall, good-looking feller, 

A shipwreck and an island- 
Behold ! a six-best-seller ! 

Some Headline Horrors. 
"Rain of Shells." 
"Limps Into Port." 
"Fleecy Staple." 
"Fleecy Blanket." 
"Plunges to Its Doom." 
"Limbs of the Law." 
"Mexican Crisis." 
"New Teut Drive.'" 
"Przasnysz." 

The Day's Doings in Rhymed Review. 
"The President Dons His Fighting 
Togs." 
"Chicago Has Disastrous Fire." 
"Amundsen Gives Praise to His Dogs." 
"The Colonel Calls a Man a Mali- 
cious Trifler with the Truth." 
* * * 

The more one considers the Senate 
the more is one convinced how appli- 
cable to it is Henry Labouchere's 
famous division of the House of Lords 
into "mentals," "ornamentals" and 
"detrimentals." 

Wild oats are responsible for many 

a man's seediness. 

« » * 

Motto for Baby Week : "Ask the man 
who owns one." 

It's funny how empty a man's con- 
versation is when he is full. 

« • » 

Villa may have taken the grin out 
of gringo, but he left the go. 

That this column appears today is 
nothing short of a miracle. They have 
just plastered the windows across the 
street with gorgeous circus posters a 
fellow could gaze at for hours on a 
stretch. 



126 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



A cushioned hanuuofk underneath the 

bouj^h. 
A seasoned pipe, a twilight sky — and 

Thou 
O mint-sprig rustlini; in the frosted 

glass— 
Oh. summertime were Paradise enow ! 

Miss Ellen Glasgow says that wo- 
men have always been ready to buckle 
on man's armor. That's just the 
trouble with women : they are usually 
so busy buckling on a fellow's armor 
that they never can find time to sew on 
his buttons or till up the crevasses in 

his socks. 

• • • 

Why School Teachers Fracture the 
Third Co))n))aiid))icnt. 

Q. Who is Jane AddanisV 

A. Jane Addanis is a famous actress. 

Q. Where is Tasmania? 

A. In Indianapolis. 

Q. What was the era of good feel- 
ing? 

A. The whiskey rebellion. 

Q. Who was Capt. Scott? 

A. He was the head digger of the 

Panama Canal. 

tt » * 

''Going Hunting." 

Scene: National Loan and Exchange 
Bank corner. 

Dramatis personne: Four more or 
less youthful nimrods. dressed the part 
and provided with guns and other 
accessories, waiting for a street car. 

Passerby (with knowing smUe) : 
"Ah, I see you're going hunting!" 

2nd Passerby: "You all going 
himting?" 

Brd Passerby (a cousin of Jack 
Keefe) : "You boobs look like as if 
your goin' huntin' I wisht as I could 
of got off to day and go huntin' 2 like 
what you all is you lucky stiffs." 

4th Passerby : "Well, well ! Going 
hunting, eh?" 

Etc., etc.. etc. 

No. Sherlocks, we weren't going 
hunting. We were going doodle-fishing 
in Hurleyville and the terrier was 
along to drag the cowering hippo- 
potami out of the topmost boughs of 
the forest.* 



♦This was the most withering com- 
ment we could thudi of at the time. 



There is no pleasure in the pathless 
woods, 
There is no rapture on the lonely 
shore : 

For everywhere that cussed sign in- 
trudes: — 

"Down With the Bosses — Vote for 
Theodore !" 

In Mexico things tranquil are; 

There is no rage or fury ; 
Aye, life flows on without a jar 

In Mexico — Missouri. 

It was at the Battle of the Pyra- 
mids : 

"Soldiers !" cried the Corsican. 
"Forty moving-picture operators are 
looking down upon you today !" 

Immediately thereafter he over- 
threw the Mamelukes with prodigious 
slaughter. 

Though once, alas, 'twas "Theodore" 

and "Will," 
And Theodore says "Will" no more, 
Yet on Will's lips the fond names 

linger still : 

"Will Theodore?" 

• • • 

According to the prohibs, 
Little drops of water. 

Little sips of milk. 
Make u.s — or they ought to — 

Feel as slick as sUk. 

• « tt 

Why Editors Hit the Pipe. 

"Y'our paper has become altogether 
too pro-German for me, and I wish 
my subscription discontinued at once." 

"Vy iss it der Chermans gredit you 
do nicht gif, hein? Vy apout der 
Pritish seesing uhr males you no nichy 
gomplain? Schtop meiu paper!" 

'I'm taking the now, instead 

of your sheet. I don't want any sub- 
servient Wilson organ in my home, no, 
sirree !" 

"Say, are you a Democrat or not? 
Then why in bhie blazes did you say 
our last note to the Dutch wasn't what 
it might have been? I believe you're 
subsidized by Teddy Rosenfelt and I 
want my money back." 

"deer sir I See by your Papper 
where your jumi)in on Hon. Heck w. 
Blohard the tribbune of the Peepul & 
I want you should stop my Papper to 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



127 



onct I (lont wiint to take no co-opera- 
tion little Pin head Papper as jumps 
on the tribhune of the Peepul the 
greatest man the Grand old Stars & 
strips has ever Kive berth to so stop 
my Papper to onct." 

"Why you slew-footed, knock- 
kneed, cross-eyed, bow-legged, spindle- 
shanked, lantern-jawed simian, how 
dare you cast asparagus upon Theo- 
dore Roosevelt. You are not fit to 
shine his shoes, your poor simp !" 

"Hon. Sir: I am poor Jappan boy 
which sub.scribe for your Hon. paper, 
but I do not want your Hon. paper not 
any more if you say once more again 
what you said about Hon. Mike Ado. 
By illustrious shade of Hon. gran- 
mother, no. Hoping you are the same." 

Bland counsel to cotton growers 
from the unconcerned, as to the sup- 
posed futility of attempts to reform 
exchange procedure in regard to "fu- 
tures," reminds one of the fact that — 
"The toad beneath <he harrow knows 
Exactly where each tooth-point goes — 
The butterfly upon the road 
Preaches contentment to that toad." 
• « • 

Where the AnUered Gentlemen Lose. 
Colonel Roosevelt's hopes of gather- 
ing the woman suffragette into his new 
party and thereby gaining strength each 
year as the women voters increase is 
doomed to early demise. 

Collier's Weekly, responding to in- 
quiries as to the feminine for Bull 
Moose fixes the designation of the lady 
moose by quoting Kipling as follows : 
■'So for one the wet sail arching 

through rainbow round the bow, 
And for one the creak of suowshoes 

on the crust, 
And for one the lakeside lilies where 

the bull moose waits the cow — " 
Our bull mooses may wait the cow till 
the crack of doom and wait vainly. 
Suffragettes may be determined, and 
bold and ready to dare and die for the 
cause ; but the cause never contem- 
plated that they admit themselves to 
be cows ! Feminine fle.sh and blood 
has limits. They may stand for calves 
perhaps, but cows, never! 



"Woodrow Wilson today was form- 
ally inducted into the Tribe of the 
Sioux." — Sioux City dispatch. 

"Governor Wilson likes limericks." 
— News item. 

Let 'er go, Gallagher ! 

Woodrow, with a lot to dioux 
Has been let in the Tribe of the Sioux ; 
Now his name will appear 
When it comes out next year 
In the loway list of "Whiouxs 
Whioux." 

• • • 

In putting Roosevelt's face on their 
campaign stamps the Progressive com- 
mittee disregards the fact that when 
Roosevelt is licked and stuck in a 
corner he won't stick. 

"A paradox 
That comforts while it mocks" : 
Viz, that while Mary Garden is no 
procrastinator, she can put ofC more 

things than any woman on the stage. 

« * * 

Although our ante-bellum vaunt that 
one Southerner can whip four Yankees 
before breakfast was not entirely sus- 
tained by subsequent events, we still 
maintain that the average Democrat 

has more sense than four Republicans. 

« * « 

Progress of the campaign told in 
phrases : 

1 — Cocked hat. 

2 — Serpent's teeth. 

3 — Neurotics. 

4 — Political Paranoiacs. 

5— ? 

• • • 

Roosevelt's Recessional. 
The tumult and the shouting swells 
Of frantic statesmen undeterred 
By that first of Truth's articles: 
"A man shall hold his plighted word." 
But Uncle Samuel? Well, you bet 
He won't forget — he won't forget. 

Political Schedule for Next Week. 

Monday, Wednesday and Friday : 
The Colonel is quoted as saying he will 
run. 

Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday : 
The Colonel is quoted as saying that 
under no circumstances, etc. 

Sunday: Begin all over again. 



128 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



The Wedding-Guest had just been 
stopped by the Ancient Mariner : 
"Anything I may have to say," he de- 
clared, "will be published in The Out- 
look." 

Whereupon, the Ancient Mariner, 
realizing that his disguise had been 
pierced, hied him back to his City 
Editor. 

Memorable Discoveries of History. 

1,000,000 B. C— Eve discovers a fig- 
leaf. 

1492 A. D. — Columbus discovers the 
Beautifud Isle of Somewhere. 

1909 A. D.— Dr. Cook discovers the 
copyright law. 

1910 A. D. — Marse Henry discovers 
a second Tilden. 

1912 A. D. — Col. Roosevelt discovers 

the Ananias Club. 

« » « 

"Greeks in the United States have 
been called to their colors." — News 
item. 

Son of Athens, 'ere we part 
Cheer me with a cherry tart ! 
Or, if cooking's not your line 

How about a farewell shine? 

» « * 

A marriage ceremony : 
1 — Two singles. 
2 — A double. 
3 — The home plate. 

Once I saw 

Tombed in a shard of liquid, golden 

amber, 
A cruel spider and a silly fly, 
And a wise ant, quite close together. 

— Allen Updegrafif, in Lippincott's. 

Once I saw 

All in the midst of golden, burning 

summer, 
A hat of velvet and a set of furs 
And thin sUk hose, quite close together. 
— Clement Wood. 

Once I saw 

As I skinned back in haste the painted 

pasteboards, 
A pair of aces and a pair of kings, 

And one more ace, quite close together. 

« # • 

One of the greatest mistakes a girl 
can make is when she says her stock- 
ings are not fit to be seen. 



"Our choice is W. W. Name yours." 
— Union Progress. "The same, bar- 
tender." — Our Own Paper. "Just 
make it three." — Nashville Banner. 
Come in, Deacon ; there are several 
glasses left ! 

"Like Col. Roosevelt, he (Mr. 
Bryan) believes that he hasn't had a 
square deal," says the Savannah News. 
And in that belief he is backed up by 
several million Democrats that are not 

"practical men." 

• * It 

"Durst is the sole survivor of the 
crew of the little cheesebox that 
whipped the ironclad Merrimac." — 
Philadelphia dispatch to the Chicago 
Tribune. That paragraph contains one 
mistake and one lie. The mistake is 
that the Confederate ii-onclad was 
named "Virginia." The lie is obvious. 

Careless. 
He's the most careless man I know : 

I speak of Lawyer Till ; 
For almost every day or so 

He goes and breaks a will. 

« » « 

If England is ever driven to making 
peace overtures, we suppose she'll en- 
trust the job to the Duke of Fife. 

» * « 

"My love is dressed in sunbeams,"" 
sings a Western poet. Well, if that's 
all, we wouldn't mind having a squint 
at her. 

Mean Place to Be Hit On, Too. 
(From the Colorado Springs Steam- 
boat.) 
Mr. Carger did not escape entirely. 

He was hit on the contrary. 

• » » 

Even a typographical error often 
tells the truth. For instance, we find 
an exchange speaking of "Oyster 

Bray." 

• * • 

Things have arrived at the pass 
where Germany is much more inter- 
ested in the alimentary canal than the 

Kiel canal. 

« * « 

When it comes to a choice between 
a man who is capable of big deeds and 
a man who owns 'em, it doesn't take a 
girl long to decide. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES^ 



129 



Well, it seems appropriate that Ba- 
con should fcet the decision over Shaks- 
pere in Chicago. 

A very bashful girl and quaint, 
Who simply loathes the use of paint ; 
To modesty's she's so inclined 
She even won't make up her mind. 

We see no ground for apprehension 
because the Colonel does not open his 
mouth. Probably he is talking through 
his nose, like the rest of the dear old 

Yanks. 

« * « 

Should Be Strong Suff Territory. 
Missis Sippi 
Ida Ho 
Miss Ouri 
The Carolinas 
Georgia 
Virginia 
Callie Fornia 
Louisa Anna 
Minnie Sota. 

A woman is funny. She will dust 
little Willie's britches to a fare-you- 
well when she catches him in a fib. 
But when the door bell rings she will 
.send word that she is Not at Home. 
And she will peck another woman on 
the cheek in the most affectionate man- 
ner when she hates her like poison. 

Epitaphs You Never See. 

"Here lies William Blank — or would 
if he could." 

"Beneath this stone rests John Doe 
— one of the durndest scoundrels who 
ever drew the breath of life." 

"Hie jacet Jeremiah Jenkins — 
swindler, booze-hound and general 
crook. The devil has our deepest 
sympathy." 

"This stone is reared to Richard Roe 
by a grateful community, which thanks 
heaven on its bended knees that it is 
rid of the cuss at last." 

Sun spots — freckles. 

The hit hyphenate howls. 

Give us this day our daily Ted. 

Half a loaf is better than no vaca- 
tion. 



Don't Read This. It is a Lie. 
Once upon a time there was a 
woman who waited up for her spouse 
at nights. And when he staggered in 
about 3 g. m., she wheeled his arm- 
chair before the fire and put his comfy 
slippers on his hoofs and placed the 
tobacco convenient to his arm and 
mixed him a hot toddy. Then she said, 
"Dear, if you want to stay up a while 
and punish some more booze, go right 
ahead and don't mind me." 

Needs must when the Russian drives. 

• » * 

The Gold Dust Twins — Hughes and 

Fairbanks. 

• » « 

Love makes the world go round. 

But it takes Law to make it go square. 

• » • 

Some men are born wise ; and others 
learn when to lay down threes. 

Oh, You Short Skirts! 
We must say that modern styles suit 
us down to the ground, but more e.spe- 

cially from the ground up. 

• » » 

It must be admitted that Congress 
has the courage of Woodrow's convic- 
tions. 

Proper. 
A highly proper damsel is 

That pretty Jenny Moore; 
She hates to see. so they tell me, 

A ship that hugs the shore. 

• * * 

"Bernstorff is a man of parts," says 
an editor. The likelihood is that they'll 

soon be foreign parts. 

» * * 

Some men in this town are so stingy 
that before casting their bread upon 
the waters they always wait for high 

tide. 

» # * 

Whoops, M' Dears! 
There was a young damsel named Anna 
Who slipped on a piece of banana ; 
Her fall was quite shocking, 
And showed so much stocking 
The wicked men hollered: "Hosanna l" 

Ever Tell One of 'Em a Joke? 
"England will laugh last," says a 
London paper. That's what the Eng- 
lish have always I)een famous for. 



130 



rOEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



A Posioffivc Crisis, in Four Reels. 
Sliipi). Ark. 
Sink. Ore. 
Note, (ta. 

Promise. S, D. 

• » « 

Evolution of a Mex. Ooverument. 
De facto. 
Defecto. 

Defuiioto. 

• • • 

However, those gallant Zep. otfioers 
always prided themselves on heins: 
ladykillors. 

• • * 

An atrocity can always connt on 
slipping by the censor when it's the 

other side's. 

• * » 

It may not soinid nice. Bnt it is a 
fact that a whole lot of nuptials we 
read about muler the heading "Wed- 
dins;s" ou.uht to have lu^en listed under 
"Sales." 

For every man who goes to the polls 
to vote for somebody, probably five 

men go to vote against somebody. 

» • • 

Some Famous Lines. 
Wash 
Firing 
Waist 
Fishing 
Railroad 
Steamship 

Mason and Dixon's. 

• « * 

Colonel Laura .Tean Libbey an- 
nounces in one of her helpful little 
articles that girls should not take 
rings from unknown men. That may 
be lirst-rate etiquette, I.aura, but it 
would play the very devil with the 
telephone industry. 

Short Orders. 

A campaign lie is something your 
crowd didn't think of circulating tirst. 

It's a rare household where the bet- 
ter half isn't the whole thing. 

Considering that there are only ten 
commandments to break, some men do 
pretty well. 

The quickest way to get a head in 
this world is to fall off the water 
wagon. 

Rolling stock — cigarette papers. 



Probably the only serious drawback 
to having a pretty good siz-cd circula- 
tion is that every subscriber seems to 
think that with his eight iron men he 
also purchased the privilege of having 
an original poem printed at least once 
a month. 

Sonic Famous Boards. 
Score Bill 

Side Black 

Bulletin Paste 

Tariff Chess. 

Pest. 
If we but had the nerve and strength 

One wop we'd love to collar : 
The self-made man who tells at length 

How he earned his first dollar. 

• » • 

The old-fashioned lad who used to 
save uj) his Octagon soap wrappers to 
get a catcher's mitt now has a son who 
saves his Dromedary Cigarette cou- 
pons to get a silver-mounted manicure 

set. 

• tt * 

Some Famous Steps. 
lu 

Lock 
Goose 

Side. 

• * « 

"Lengthening the skirts," allows the 
Pittsburgh Post, "shows a feminine 
disposition to leave something to the 
imagination." liikely enough. And we 
violate no confidence in stating that 
Old Colonel Imagination is fully com- 
petent to handle the situation. 

"Let us cease to be ridiculous," 
shouts the New York American, and 
we cordially second the motion. Such 
editorial candor, however, is certainly 

very unusual. 

• « • 

"You can always tell a pinheaded 
man," observes The Edisto News. 
Brother, our experience has been that 
you can't tell a pinheaded man any- 
thing. 

Add current humor : 
"Merrie England." 
"Sunny Italy." 
"Gay Paree." 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



131 



"I desire to «ivo credit to tlie Rus- 
sians," says liord Northoliffe. Well, 
they'd prefer that to one of those 
checks. 

"But Mann, proud Mann, 
Drest in a little hrief authority — 

Plays such fantastic tricks before high 
heaven 
As make the angels weep." 

^hort Orders. 

It is no si^n a «irl smokes because 
.she is anxious to strike a match. 

Opportunity knocks once, but impor- 
tunity is always knocking. 

Whatever its defects, spooning at 
least teaches a fellow a lot about 
astronomy that he never knew before. 

A cracksman's ambition is naturally 
to be on the safe side. 

A man is never so dense that his 
wife can't see through him. 

When a man goes out hunting 
trouble he will usually find a quorum 
of it in session. 

There's no use trying to set sail on 
the sea of matrimony until you raise 
the wind. 

One touch of .scandal makes the 
whole world <-hin. 

Some Bellifjcrent Communities. 
War, W. Va. 
Battle, La. 
Scrap, Tex. 
Kilgore, N. C. 
Gore, Okla. 
Slaughter, Tex. 
Blood, Ky. 

Queer. 
The rhino is a funny beast. 

As sure as you are born; 
He never seems to have the least 

Desire to blow his horn. 

Speaking of Music and Grand Opera. 
"Twenty-two persons and a woman 
were ejected by the police." — New 
York American. 

A woman can't cuss when she gets 
mad. But don't you believe for a 
minute that she isn't thinking a few 
torrid thoughts. 



The Cynic Says. 
To make a quarrel it takes two 

The proverb says, but, son, 
The biggest fuss I ever knew 

Came when two were made one. 

• • • 

A Wrathful Rondeau. 
(Reprinted by request*) 
("'Try not to pass!' the old map 
said." — Longfellow. ) 
"Try not to pass!"? Thou hoary 

skate ! 
I'm not caught with that sucker's bait. 
Me at the ticket man's delay. 

• * « 

And from my hard-won hoardings pay 
The customary four-bit rate? 
I'm really inarticulate 
With righteous anger ; yea irate 
That thou shouldst have the nerve to 
say 

"Try not to pass !" 
The little ticket signed "The State" 
Which I present 'em at the gate 

Gives me immediate entree ; 

(The others pay a piece of eight.) 
Off with thee, then, and cease to bray 

"Try Not to Pa.ss!" 

• • • 

If the children are clever and well- 
behaved, mother and mother's mother 
know they take after her. If they are 
stupid, mean little brats, they take 

after the old man. 

• • • 

Ain't It Sof 
As linguists mothers are the champs, 

Just put that down as true ; 
They know just what the little scamps 

mean when they gurgle : "Goo !" 

• • • 

Some Birds of Burgs. 
Pigeonroost, Ky. 
Lark, N. D. 
Parrott, Ky. 
Sparrow, Ky. 
Swan, Tex. 

Swallow, Ky. (Speaking of the 
eternal f . of t. ! ) 
Wren, S. C. 
Crow, W. Va. 
Blue Jay, W. Va. 
Nightingale, Ala. 
Redbird, Neb. 

Mexico's idea of a stable govemment 
is Augean. 



132 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



'Ray! 
The praise we shout 

Of Jenuie Hocking ; 
She shows about 

A foot of stocking. 

* * * 

One reason tlie younger generation 
is getting so flip and impertinent is 
because tlie old fashioned boy who 
used to be taken out to tlie woodslied 
every once in a while to liave his pants 
dusted with a trunk strap now has a 
son who inhales a pack of cigarettes a 
day, calls his dad "the guv'nor" or 
"the old man," and fills said old man's 
car with a bunch of giggly chickens 
every afternoon and burns up the coun- 
try roads to the tune of 50 parasangs 

an hour. 

» » # 

An ounce of prevention is worth a 
pound of cui'e, and it will also save a 

peck of trouble. 

« « * 

Most of the standpat press is airmg 
its views about Bryan, and heaven 
knows they need airing. 

In that "Gott Mitt Uns" boast, isn't 

an "h" dropped from the last word? 

* * * 

The British fleet is wonderful and 
the Russians are marvelously. 

A distant relative isn't always s<» 

distant that he can't touch you. 

* * * 

We wish we could be best man or 
something for one or these Wall Street 
"war brides." 

* * ¥r 

An exchange refers to Bismarck as 
"the father of his country." Asphyx- 
iating gas, of course, is one of its 
smothers. 

¥t * * 

We'd hate to be a Russian bard 

And have to knock 
Our stanzas on a place called Skard — 

katchatakrivolok ! 

England has barred treating, but we 
understand that setting- vip exercises 
will continue in favor on the drill 

grounds. 

* # * 

One lesson this war has taught is 
that a man named Rene or Marie can 
fight just as well as the roughnecks. 



As we understand it, thei-e are about 
250 reasons why the Sultan isn't at the 
front, young, middle-aged, old, short, 
tall, lean, fat, ugly, pretty and 

betwixt-and-between. 

* * » 

Is not the physician who forbade 
Harry Lauder to play Hamlet a worthy 
candidate for the University's medal 

for a notable benefaction to mankind? 

» » » 

Now that the Russians are station- 
ai-y, it should be easier for von Hin- 
denburg to envelope 'em. 

Mr. Bryan doesn't think much of 
preparedness, but we'll bet he always 

carries an umbrella on a cloudy day. 

* * * 

There is more joy in Lincoln over 
one jingo that repenteth than over the 
ninety and nine that went not astray. 

When nobody is about to get mar- 
ried a woman, especially if she is an 
old maid, can always derive consider- 
able satisfaction from discussing some- 
body's recent operation. 

Women are funny. The more they 
hate each other the more affectionately 

they kiss each other. 
« « » 
Germany emerges from the subma- 
■•rine controversy with several dis- 
avowals and a promi.se not to do it 

again. Nothing was lost save honor. 

« « « 

That homely simile, "As sure as 
shooting" doubtless originated in 
Mexico. 

Cap'n Hobson's well known tongue is 
evidently out for another non-stop 
record. 

Well, Representative Kitchen acts on 
the defense proposition just about as 
you would expect a man nnmed Claude 
to act. 

Our cost-of-living statistics pale be- 
fore the price the Allies have paid for 

just one slice of Turkey. 

* * * 

Of all sad words 

We hear, by heck. 
The saddest are these: 

"Please hold this check." 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



133 



"Italy's Envoy Sees Grey." Ger- 
many's envoys usually see red. 

Naturally, the Turk is unspeakable, 
(iermany having made a dummy of 
him. 

British subjects seem to be Zeppelin 

objects. 

* * * 

When it comes to preparedness, we 
<lon't know of anything to beat old 

(Colonel Porcupine. 

* * * 

Another disadvantage of the Kaiser- 
business is the way he always has to 
pretend for publication that he is 

proud of his glorious Turkish allies. 

« « » 

And when Wood row writes a note 
with teeth in it, they are very apt to 

be wisdom teeth. 

• • » 

Peace is now raging in Haiti. 

When in doubt, swat the corpora- 
tions. 

ft « « 

T. R. still seems to be the battle him 

of the republic. 

« ft *f 

Before you laugh at the Russians 
for spelling it "Dniester," remember 
ptomaine and ptarmigan and pthisis. 

It's now proper for von Tirpitz to 
refer to his captured U-boats as net 

losses. 

ft ft • 

We had no idea there was so much 
kultur in Turkey until those Arme- 
nian massacres started. 

ft ft ft 

Our notion of the height of some- 
thing is a very stout little woman try- 
ing to look haughty and important. 

ft ft ft 

Mr. Wilson should get a prophet for 
himself, the Colonel wishing it to be 
distinctly understood that Ezekiel is 

his prophet. 

ft ft ft 

The great fear is that after the war 
is officially over, some of the nations 

may start a post-season series. 

• ft ft 

"The telephone girl wears a hello 
around her head." as the Marion Star 
remarks. Yea, verily ; and gets many 
an ohell in her dainty ears. 



An Italian professor has found the 
house of Tiberius, but it is understood 
that on account of unavoidable circum- 
stances the host was unable to be 
present. 

ft » * 

They also serve who only watch and 
wait. 

ft ft ft 

The bears have again sent down 

cotton. Trouble bruin for the South! 

ft ft ft 

The simple subjunctive: Leonard 
Wood. 

ft ft ft 

To a financial ignoramus like us, the 

pound begins to look like a mark. 

« ft ft 

We suppose the most appropriate 
beer for sunburned vacationists is Piel. 

A Detroit G. A. R. man challenges 
any Johnny Reb to a foot race. If the 
course is from Manassas to Washing- 
ton, we'll lay 50 to 1 on the Yank. 

ft ft • 

The Czar has declined Germany's 
peace offer, but we doubt if there are 
many negative Poles. 

Let sleeping Petrograd correspond- 
ents lie. 

ft ft ft 

King Constantine is now in a posi- 
tion to appreciate how Damocles felt. 

"Every woman has several hundred 
friends on her hating list," according 
to the oldest and most unconfirmed 

bachelor of our acquaintance. 
ft ft ft 
Because a man is a distant relative 

is no sign that he isn't close. 

ft ft • 

It is old King Cotton's explosiveuess 
that has gotten him into trouble — has 
made him contraband. 

Dumba case seems to solve the mys- 
tery of who put the ass in ambassador. 

ft ft ft 

Even Cain didn't have the nerve to 
claim self-defense. 

Better fifty years of Harvey than a 

cycle of Bill Hearst. 

ft ft ft 

"Back Home," Irvin Cobb's new play, 
ought to make a big hit in the war 
zone. 



i;vi 



/'()/•: MS A\/) /m/;.u;am/7/n 



Slr.Miiirt* tho KiiisiM- still Ims lu>ils 
after :ill tlio l,;uisiim- wo'vo uivoii liiiu. 

Tho (JoniiMn r-ln>ats aro. howovtM-. 
not lottiM- porlVi'l. 

Sooins paradoxii'.il that oottoii should 
bo all a( si\-i boi-aiiso l( isn't. 

Ono toiu'li of 'roildy inakos (ho whoU' 
worhl Clin. 

Looks as if poaco had brokon out in 
Santo noniin.L^o. 

Wbilo von lliudonburi: has orossivi 
fho 15u,j;. our mulorstandiui: is that tho 
fjrand old prohibitionists aro plannUii: 
to s;ivo tho jui: (bo doublooross. 

Almost anyluxly \vt>idd ratbor bo 
risht than riosidont of Mt>\ioo. 

It may l<o that n\oiu'y talks, but tho 
pound storlint: is .s::roanin.i:. 

•'Tho (inio has passod for words!" 
sboiUs (bo Colonol. onuitiui: somo (i.OOd 
of 'oin. 

Now YiM-k o\oban,i:o roporis (bat 
Prinoo 'An lloh«>nloho was "snappish.'" 
\Vl<y not oall him Trinoo Zu-/u'? 

Wliat has booomo of tho old-fa sh- 
lonod maidon lady who usod to look 
juidor (ho bod boforo rotirinc'? 

l>o virtuous and you will bo ro 
spootod. l>n( you won't havo vory 
muob fin». 

Kvory l?ritish soldior will ?:or an 
Amorioan applo. and (hoy oor(ainly do 
soom (o nood anodior oorps or (wo, 

Trobably Iboro wonhl bo snob a 
thin.!; as a wriH-kloss auto if thoro woro 
not so many rookloss ohantYonrs, 
« * It 

Tho hand (hat rooks (bo oradlo is 
.>!oldon\ soon nnikins: i:;ostiiros in a 
snfTra.i^o niootinu:. 

I'oliriuni's "Cray liook" ou.cbt to bo 

road. 

* » • 

Some srontlo souls who would lunor 
droam of shyin.ir a briok soom to think 
it's ontin^ly all riirbt to shy a pot. 



Silly of .lolui r.ull to bold up tho 
tauUors, as tboso Uulturod (Jormans 
wouldn't aoot>pl anytbin.c but relinod 
oil. 

If (Jormany and I'nolo Sam fall out. 
wo may all havo to fall in. 

A tidy and a dainty dame 

Is Miss Amanita Fitts; 
She lovos to watoh a baseball ,s;amo 

Uoi-auso of tlu> (loan hits. 

• tt » 

Ont> partioularly (U>vilish member of 
the stair su-i;osts that it's the hi.ijh ear 
stop that i)ut tho lin.uor in lin.i^'orie. 

".Vniundson to (Iroot Teary." — 
Headline. 'Hiouv'bt it is usually dlt!i- 
oult to make both omls moot. 

(JiMUM-ous to a fault its owner. 

What a mai:nitioont anotionoor was 
lost when Ferdinand of KuKuaria wont 
into the kini:: business! 

Ulood is thicker than oontraband. 

Possibly they i-all it the "water" 

wa.iion on aoooind of its sprin.ixs. 
» « • 
Not tho least of Nature's numerous 
mistakes is tho female baritone. 

Ani>thor amusins; aspeot of the situa- 
tion is the way (looriria is all wrou.ijht 
up over those AruuMiian atrooities. 

'I'be hyi)hon most in disfavor with 
Fnolo S.MUi just ni>w is .\ustria-llnn- 
ira ry . 

'riio .\llios may not bo nuieh with the 
St ilk. but Saloniki knows they enn 
steal bases. 

(^harily is .1 irreat thin,!: in its plaee. 
Hut when a lad claims that he really 
loves his enemies, you can put him 
down as a iL'-oylindor liar. 

When a .^rirl says she hasn't any 
stookin.cs tit to bo soon, the statement 
nnist be aeoepted with reservation. 

That Ftioa bypbotiatod moetlnjr 
ohoored the .sentiment. '"Ijorman to the 
marrow." The rest of the ootuitry will 
emphasize the bone. 



ROHKUT lifJJOTT aONZALh\S 



135 



Seems to he KcttiriK liiyh time to put 

H . to tll(! -. 

Caniiibjils nre no re.sfH'cters of p'""- 
HoriH. 

There ;ire those who if lesH "dry" 
tiiif^fit write lewH rot. 

• • • 

\V(;il, it'H liif^h time the liuluJirs cap- 
tured I{jjl)Uiiii" they iriot)l<eyed with It 
long enough. 

It'H an <;ven wa«er whethfM- La l'V)l- 
letle maljij.s the flag diHa[)p<'ar t»efore 

Mryari doe.s the flagon. 

• ft • 

If there are two disgusted shades on 
• he thither Styx, they are prohal)ly 
those of the late Messrs. Mlltiades and 

Themlstocles. 

ft ft ft 
For an international lioil Lansing is 
all right, all right. 

A hyi»lien divided against itself <an 
not stand. 

Prohibition iu South Carolina w<inhl 
indeed be a rum go. 

That rhiladelphia .society that se- 
cured Koald Amundsen to lecture and 
I'eary to introduce him knew how to 
make both ends meet. 

In r>'>litics, the fruits of victory are 
f)lnms. 

ft ft ft 

Mr. I'.ryan (;vidently doesn't want 
Americans to get either shot or half- 
.shot. 

When a man has money to burn he 
often does it with chips. 

Add journalistic goat-gettors : 
"Tonsoiial artist." 
"Groaning with good things." 
"F'estive board." 

Marriages may be made in lieaven. 
liut history Is going to give the oid- 
time horse and buggy a lot of the 
credit. 

On .second thought we simjdy have 
to reopen the journalistic-goat-getters 
contest to let in our venerable friend, 
"Staggers Humanity." 



A man may be a loafer, a thief, a 
tilaf;kguard, a bigamist, a murderer 
and about ev(!rything else mean and 
desi)lcable. Hut hr; can never g(?t so 
low that his mother w(»n't stick hy hirn. 

Human nature is pretty funny, and 
we sui)po.se the Americans who persist 
in living in Me.xi(;o liave no severer 
critics anywhere than the InhabitantH 
of thos(! Arkansas river bottoms. 
ft ft ft 

('alifornia favors tlie .see-America- 
first m(»vement, but not Un- the Jap- 
anese. 

• ft ft 

Tuskegecj's new head announces that 
he will follow Booker Wasliington's 
policies in everything— a cari>on copy, 
so to speak. 

You can't tell the av(?rag(! man any- 
thing about Tiirkish atrocities. He's 
smoked many a 2r»-ceiit jiackage of 'em. 

We are not greatly surprised that 
the Frencti women so unanimously ap- 
jirove that new clean-.shave ednrt In the 
army. For years they have resolutely 
set their faces against mustaches. 

One of the most active of liritaln's 
ships of war .seems to be the censor- 
ship. 

The only hyphen problem that's 
worrying France is Alsace-Lorraine. 

Villa u.sed to i»e a hard-working cow- 
boy, but now he takes life easy. 

Two Strike, the famous Sioux chief. 
has died at home. 

The multi-colored "books" Issued hy 
warring nations seem to be in the 
nature of scrap-books. 

About ten minutes after the average 
woman captures a secret she lets it out 
on bail. 

ft ft • 

We suppose that the minute the 
I'etrograd man enters the pearly gates 
they'll hand him a lyre. 

ft ft • 

"Harvard's oldest living graduate is 
dead," aimounces the Xew York World. 
It would be Intere.sting to know how 
he managed it. 



136 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



That Germau success on the Bug is 
undoubtedly a pronounced victory. 

Listen to the honeyed words and get 

stung. 

* * * 

Nobody hates the spoils system with 
such virtuous indignation as the party 
out of power. 

It must get Mr. Bryan's dander up 
to read that a pitcher was tight in the 
pinches. 

Speaking of disarmament, the Venus 
de Milo must have been the original 
pacifist. 

Here's hoping the devil is not as bad 

as he is Sundayed ! 

# * « 

However, in talking extensively. T. R. 

Marshall merely lives up to his initials. 

♦ * • 

Speaking of the feminine prop, the 

girls just seem to grin and bare it. 

« « « 

An Everynight Tragedy. In Six ReeU. 
1— Gin. 
2— Spin. 
3— Rash. 
4 — Sma.sh. 
5 — Nurse. 
6 — Hearse. 

Loud call for Greek reservists is cal- 
culated to take the rest out of restau- 
rant. 

• • • 

Seems to take more than the Crown 
Prince to make the French walk 
Spanish. 

It is rapidly becoming the English 

slanguage. 

« » « 

A bad egg, as you have doubtless 

observed, is generally broke. 

• « « 

It is announced that Prof. Taft has 
lost ten pounds. Along the rest of the 

front there is nothing to report. 

* * * 

At present writing — Robert Lansing. 

* « • 

Russia evidently has lost her punch 

as well as her vodka. 

• • • 

Mexico may not get her loan, but 
she'll keep on borrowing trouble at the 
same brisk rate. 



Our musical neighbor named Biddle 
All day long scrapes on his fiddle ; 
When he goes to dwell 
In the bottommost — well, 
We pray they'll fry him on a griddle. 

The Zeps have bombarded another 
"fortified" English town, killing or 
wounding seven fortified women and 
nine fortified babies. 

"We have been calling for ten years," 
begins an ad. in the telephone direc- 
tory. So have we, and we wish to 
goodness we had laid down about half 
the time. 

Before he gets her, he is always pay- 
ing her attentions. After he gets her, 
he is always paying her bills. 

The seat of war must be getting 

awfully shiny. 

# » » 

"To hell with Massachusetts !" 
shouts the Macon Telegraph. It is very 
right and proper to entertain bitter 
sentiments against this well known 
resort, but there is such a thing as 

carrying one's hatred entirely too far. 

* * * 

Men always laugh at the women for 
being slow. But you never saw a man 
who could take a bird cage and a few 
feathers and make a pretty nifty hat 
out of it. 

Every one to his taste. But to our 
mind a tomboy beats a willy boy any 
old day. 

As we understand it, the prohibi- 
tionists contend that the country's 

worst malady is bourbonic plague. 

» » » 

Constantine evidently prefers to 
stand pat on the glory that was 

Greece. 

« « « 

Where is the old-fashioned woman 
who used to call it a "shimmy"? 



"I was in danger 
plained the elephant, 
the flea. 



of my life," ex- 
as he stepped on 



If Dumba hadn't taken the initia- 
tive he would not have experienced the 
recall. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



137 



Lord Reading must be a lineal de- 
scendant of Oliver Twist. 

Add prominent South Carolina emi- 

jtrants : Tom and Jerry. 

* « • 

If you want to make a thing fash- 
ionable, hint that it's immoral. 

A whole lot of self-made men ought 

to have consulted an architect. 

* « » 

Edison made a big reputation for 
inventing the talking-machine. But 
Adam beat him to it ages ago. 

Trust Pan-America won't have to 
lian Mexico. 

That New York society woman who 
wears her watch on her instep at 
ilances is probably amazed to find the 
number of men who forgot to bring 

theirs with 'em. 

* * * 

We surely wish that we were with 

The Russian troops, by heck; 
Because, and. son, this is no myth — 

We'd always get a check. 

* • • 

Every tailor's goose seems to have a 
bill. 

A "booze-fighter" wins many an 
empty victory. 

Slogan of the Yankee tourist : "Palm 

Beach suits." 

* « • 

It is thought, however, despite the 
urgent admonitions of the prohibition 
brethren that she stick around the 
Milky Way and the Big Dipper, that 
old Sister Moon will continue to get 

full regularly once a month. 

* * * 

They may call you weak, and wonder 

At your motives and your ends ; 
Say you fear to fight the greasers. 

When you try to make 'em friends. 
There are some that want to make you 

Push us in this hell of war ; 
There are others that point treason. 

Poisoning every breath they draw. 
But your people understand them — 

Matters not what lies they spew ; 
Ninety millions give the toast, sir : 

Woodrow Wilson — here's to you ! 



Mr. Roosevelt has to .shave night 
and morning. Nothing like the genius 
of versatility. In three weeks he could 
be Aaron — or Carranza. 

The pen is mightier than the sword 
in the censor's office. 

Judging by T. R.'s remarks, the bull 
moose doesn't belong to the Reich- 
stag branch of the family. 

The Germans may be the best hit- 
ters, but the Russians are world- 
beaters in running to bases. 

Georgia is now not so much in the 
public eye as the public nose. 

Indications are that von Hindenburg 
didn't slice that drive, after all. 

When a girl is wearing a classy 
ring or two, she can always find some 
excuse for inspecting her finger nails 

in public. 

« ♦ ♦ 

Probably nothing in this old vale of 
tears is more pathetic than when a 
rich woman who hasn't very much 
sense tries to put on dog. 

If there's anything in the reincarna- 
tion theory, some present-day Georgian 
must have built Babylon's Hanging 
Gardens. 

• • • 

There appears to be a disposition in 
some quarters to mistake the public 

nose for the public eye. 

* « • 

As we understand it, before a fellow 
can take any stock in the matrimonial 
market he must go to par. 

"Worth makes the man," wrote Alex- 
ander Pope, but that was before the 
Paris gentleman had opened his estab- 
lishment. 

« • « 

South Carolina may "go dry" but the 

"tigers" will milk her right along. 

» * » 

"Texas fears Mexican invasion," is a 
headline which, be it confessed, never 
fails to acquire our nanny. Texas 
fears a Mexican invasion about as 
much as a Kentucky gentleman fears 
his prandial julep. Texas' only "fear" 
is that the greasers won't come. 



138 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



We suppose you have observed that 
when frieud wife gives you a piece of 

her mind it's usually a cross section. 

« « » 

Sheet music — snores. 

• * • 

Add current humor : "International 

lavF." 

« # * 

There is no such thing as a square 
meal in Boston. Codfish balls are. of 

course, spherical. 

• * • 

The British are not "forward-look- 
ing men." The zeppelins have made 
them upward looking. 

Nothing from Flanders at this writ- 
ing, but it is understood that the line's 
busy. 

Mexican 

Meximay 

Meximust 

— New York Sun. 

Mexiwont. 

• » « 

And why, you ask, does she wear specs. 

This proper Helen Bly? 
Such questions sorely do me vex : 

She scorns the naked eye. 

» • • 

The ankle watch isn't such a much. 
They've been wearing clocks on their 

stockings for years. 
» » # 
The Kaiser has been called the 
father of the war. Asphyxiating gas 
is one of its smothers. 

Too many people look on friendship 
as a "shake well after using" projio- 

sition. 

• * * 

It's a wise speculator that knows his 

own war-baby. 

« * « 

The Wilmington Dispatch thinks 
that at future Palmetto banquets the 
swallow-tail coat will be inappropriate, 
but we imagine that in colored hot 
supper circles the cutaway will retain 

its former popularity. 

• • • 

Those aero raids on Venice are cal- 
culated to put a quietus on the last 
rows of summer. 

Something incongruous about calling 
a big gun "she" when it can be silenced. 



While we are furnishing the Allies 
with cash, the Germans seem to prefer 
giving 'em checks. 

When Greek meets Greek, then comes 

the talk of war. 

» * « 

The farther the Germans penetrate 
uito prohibition territory, the feebler 

becomes their attack. 

* * • 

We see by the Russian dispatches 
that von Hindenburg has been hurled 
50 miles nearer Petrograd. 

Every day is Belabor day in Europe. 

When a man gets out his hammer, 
it's a pretty good sign that he has an 

axe to grind. 

« » « 

At the opposite pole to Dr. Dumba 
is Ambassador Chinda, who has noth- 
ing at all to say. 

They also serve who only sit and 

bait. 

« « « 

With some people charity begins at 
liome, but it never gets as far as first. 

Bob La Follette may have to make 
that law more stringent, as there's 
still one American liner left on the 

Pacific. 

» » • 
We heartily wish a certain Teuton 
frau had not raised her Boy-Ed to be 

a diplomat. 

* « * 

After all, the real "perfect woman" 
is the one on the back of the silver 
dollar. 

And it won't do for Berlin to dis- 
count our note, either. 

Mr. Bryan's hope, of course, is to 
take the fist out of pacifist. 

Judging by its speed so far, the 
peace dove must be a turtle dove. 

Our idea of an exclamation point is 
Oyster Bay. 

"The glory that was Greece" is 
right ! 

"T. R. likes Wilson's stand." To say 
nothing of his seat. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



139 



Connecticut is tlie Nutmeg State, 
and her railroads certainly do grate 
on some people. 

After the ceremony, he generally 
finds out that she has control as well 

as curves. 

# » * 

We trust that travelers in the Ca- 
nadian woods will be very careful not 
to step on Colonel Roosevelt's ear. 

"No man is indispensable," says T. R. 
We hear no corroborating voice from 

Mr. Hugh Jennings of Detroit. 

• « * 

Some New York financiers of Teuton 
descent are evidently even more pro- 
dollar than they ai"e pro-German. 

Speaking of the Liberty Bell, it isn't 
often Philadelphia has such a chance 
to show her metal. 

Yep, it's a funny old language. A 
going business, frinstance, is often run 
by a coming young man. 

We see by the morning's paper that 
a U-boat has scored another sweeping 

victory over a Norwegian ship. 

* * » 

Every British soldier is to be given 
an American apple. Many of them 

already have American peaches. 

« » » 

Cap'n von Papen's opinion of the 
Yankees couldn't be any more bitter if 
he were a leading lyncher of Marietta, 
Ga. 

We are willing to bet something that 
the California centenarian who says 
no oath has passed his lips never 
stepped on the cat's tail in the dark. 

Burian and von Jagow are not 
stenographers, but Woodrow knows 
how to make them take dictation. 

Germany has forbidden all males 
between 17 and 45 to leave the country, 
but the order comes too late to do 
poor old Russia any good. 

A surgeon writes from the front 
that the staff is "taking great pains," 
and probably all the patients would 
add that they're also giving 'em. 



It is believed that next New Year's 
Day will not be observed as an alco- 
holiday in South Carolina. 

The French, Germans and English 
are nothing to our South Carolina 
office-seekers who have been "last- 
ditch fighters" all their lives. 

« • • 

Frugal people of Petrograd will not 
lay in large stocks of letterheads and 
envelopes — the name of the town may 
be changed again. 

The Montgomery Advertiser denies 
that it said the United States should 
own the continent from Panama to the 
Pole. Nevertheless we believe Uncle 
Sam should get the pole and keep it. 

At least, "Cyclone" Davis wears his 
newly-acquired collar where it can be 
seen, which is more than may be said 

of some other Congressmen. 

» * » 

Virginia doesn't seem to have very 
much on Haiti as the mother of Presi- 
dents. 

The world-war sinks into the pal- 
triest insignificance when a girl feels 
a pimple coming on the end of her 
nose. 

"Is Germany keeping her promises?" 
asks an editor. She might as well ; 
we don't want any more of them. 

A woman's idea of a i^erfect news- 
paper is one that would print the soci- 
ety dope and Mrs. Rorer on the front 
page and consign the war to a few 
paragraphs on page 11, next to the 
liver pills ads. 

The pound sterling is now in a posi- 
tion to reflect how sharper than a 
serpent's tooth it is to have a thank- 
less par. 

Speaking of that "place in the sun," 
it's yet to be seen whether Wilhelm 
gets tanned or a tanning. 

Possibly this Strippa river which 
Bud Stephenson has discovered in the 
news from the Eastern front is where 
the Russian ballets live. 



140 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Why is it that a woman with a voice 
like the boouuiij; bilU)ws always picks 
out some male soprano to marry? 

"Daughter Hears Godowsky's Voice 
on Phone; Faints." headlines the 
m or 1 esteemed American. Not knock- 
ing pa's voice, of course. 

That German answer must have 

been written by Herr von Kuttletish. 

« « » 

The valued New Orleans States will 
kindly not aiuioy us further with re- 
ports of what Edna Goodrich says. 
Goodrich tires. 

The Houston Tost tells us that a 
piano fell GO feet on a man and didn't 
hurt him. No doubt the fellow was 

hit by only the soft pedal. 

• • • 

A Cracker editor calls Tom Watson 
"Georgia's greatest asset." Little puz- 
zle for today : Find the superfluous 

letters. 

• • • 

Add current humor : 

"I'm goin' to quit at 11, if I'm $50 
loser." 

"Thanks, old man : I'll pay you back 
tomorrow, sure." 

"So pleased to meet you." 

"Weather Bureau Promises Relief 
From Hot Wave." 

"Reduced to ?0.0o. Worth $20." 

"Speed limit 12 miles an hour." 



"Your 
Hearst, 
Righto ! 



views, 
"are 



some one writes 
absolutely sound." 



In South Carolina it is much easier 
to go to Congress in a Ford than in a 
Packard or a Pierce-Arrow. 

"So at 9 :30 prompt Mr. Baldwin 
kissed his beloved on the doorstep and 
departed." — New York American. 
Which, believe us. Judge, is NOT 
where we would kiss oiir beloved. 

After this, the President's appointees 
will get the Senate's O. K. instead of 
its K. O. 

Some Mexicans along the Rio Grande 
seem to be pursuing a watch and wade 
policy. 



It's a rare household where the bet- 
ter half isn't the whole thing. 

* » # 

It's hard to believe an English suf- 
fragette ever played with dolls. 

"Weather bureau sees no change 
until Saturday." Neither do we, for 
that matter. 

How much do those Zeppelui chauf- 
feurs get — space rates? 

* » * 

Some of those Yankee editors are 
such i-abid sectionalists that the.^ 
won't even live in a house with a 
Southern exposure. 

* * * 

Half the world is wondering how 

long the other half will live. 

* * « 

In time of peace prepare for war. 

and the chances are you'll get it. 

* » • 

South Carolina has stamped out the 
Bourbonic plague. 

The Columbus Enquirer-Sun thinks 
Dr. I>umba has struck out. Looks to 

us more like a home run. 

* • • 

In time of Bryan, prepare for Roose- 
velt. 

Trouble about this "wave of pros- 
perity" is that it has such a terrific 

undertow. 

* * • 

"London is fortified," explains Count 
Reventlow. Maybe : but those dead 

women and babies weren't. 

« * * 

Looks as if the key to the Mexican 
crisis is located on Mr. Lansing's 

typewriter. 

* • • 

Speaking of the Persia case, it's to 
be seen whether Turkey's silence is 
golden or just guilt. 

How ashamed the valued prohibs 
must feel of their Revolutionary an- 
cestors who battled at the Brandy- 
wine ! 

An Italian tenor, thrown out of 
work by the war. is over here looking 
for a j(>b. Perhaps the Singer works 
would oblige. 



ROBERr ELLIOTT GONZALEZ 



141 



A Haitien President usually runs 

best after election. 

» « * 

France is debating? whether to raise 
more troops in Senegal. It seems to be 

a kinky question. 

* » » 

Those field telephones are not so 
different from ours. They usually 

report that the line's busy. 

* » • 

We are enthusiastically for the red, 
white and blue, especially when we 
happen to have a healthy pile of each 
lief ore us. 

It has been pointed out that the 
initials T. R. are the beginninj^ of 
trouble, and the Anniston Star adds 
that they al.so stand for "to rest." To 

say nothing of "to run." 

* « » 

"The truth is, the whole army is 
burning with an insatiable desire to 
wreak vengeance upon South Carolina. 
I almost tremble at her fate, but feel 
that she deserves all that seems in 
store for her. We must make old and 
young, rich and poor, feel the hard 
hand of war, as well as their organ- 
ized armies." Wilhelm von Sherman 
lived before his time; what an apostle 

of kultur he would have made ! 

* • • 

A word to the wise is superfluous. 

* « * 

A Bennettsville correspondent in- 
quires what is "South Carolina's 

toast." Di-y toast just at present. 

* * * 

Austrian dread naught, Izglad, is 
probably the only one of 'em feeling 

that way. 

* » » 

It's not the "will" in Wilson that 
irritates the jingoes so much as the 
won't. 

Those Armenians must be one of 
those elimination races we read so 
much about. 

Germany's merchant marine seem- 
ingly couldn't be any worse off if it had 
one of those Ija Follette laws. 

« w # 

A few more years of carnage and 
unhappy Mexico will need the stork 
as much as the dove. 



Where there is a Wilson there is a 
way. 

« « * 
The jingoes in their blindness bow 

down to Wood and Stone. 

• • • 

The common people, it is true, have 
a hard time, but it is the common 
stockholders who deserve most sym- 
pathy in this world. 

Times have changed indeed when a 
Czar executes reforms instead of 
reformers. 

Somebody wants to know if any- 
thing has been discovered on Venus. 
Not on any of the pictures of her 
we've ever seen. 

The insi)ircd coinjjositor who made 
it "Sarah Bernhardi" seems to have 
added Insult to injury. 

Our own notion of a telling situation 
is when a bunch of women get to- 
gether. 

« « » 

Doubtless that State of Tabasco is 
where the Mex. generals get their sea- 
soned veterans. 

The ankle watch is New York's lat- 
est feminine fad, but we seriously 
doubt if they'll ever manage to fit 

Hon. May Irwin. 

* * * 

Dr. Woodward of London says that 
primitive woman could not cook. What 
bosh! Didn't the mother of us all 
cook Adam's goose V 

The President, in short, has renewed 

his note. 

« * ♦ 

A courteous man, we must admit, 

Is General Fritz von Pfamp ; 
But last week in an angry fit 

They say he struck his camp. 

« « « 

A Washington bride wore a pair of 
$50 stockings on the street the other 
day, and a lot of pinners hovered 
around the windy corners trying to see 

about $15.75 worth. 

» « » 

A mummy was sold in New York the 
other day for $200. That's certainly 
a stiff price. 



14:2 



/v>/'M/N j.A7> rAh\i(rh\irns 



Funny ni>no of those '•juvith'ntal" 

tires ever oeeur in a brewery. 

It • • 

Speakins; of Ottawa, it was a bomb 
joke, but it brought down tht> House. 

Carpathian reports indieate that 
Austria badly needs an anti-pass law. 

While Kurope ealls to arms. Amer- 
ica is ealliui; to alms. 

* * « 

Gretve seems to have a innni deal 
more wish-bone than baekbone. 

Dan Cupid is the President of the 
Mateh Trust. 

It's a shtu't. slun-f way from the 
pensive May maiden to the expensive 
June bride. 

When the women tell it. it's gossip; 
when the i>ld men do it's interesting 
reminiseence. 

Oennan Octirral i^taff order, no. 10,- 

9S7.6oi: 

"By His Imperial Majesty's desire, 
Monday. Wtninesday and Friday af- 
ternoons from -t to o :30 will be hence- 
forth devoted to weepiuij fov deirener- 
ate France. All weeping after the lat- 
ter hour strietly verboten. Kni:land 
will be Cott-strafeil as usual on Tues- 
days, Thursdays and Saturdays. Sun- 
day will be observed as a day of prayer 

for our glorious Allies, the Turks." 

* • • 

Fleetins is fame. Ambassador Pajre 

has dwiudliHi to a iiarajirapli. 

* • * 

All men may be born free and txpnil, 
but ntnnbers of them spoil the equa- 
tion by settinj; marritnl. 

A writer says Russian officers are 
fine dancers. We've often uotictnl that 

proficiency at leadin;; the German. 

* • tt 

ITell hath no fury like a hyphen 
josheil. 

"I object." smiled the President, "to 
ridinEc a horse in a frock coat and a 
silk hat." and very properly, too. On 
our morniua: canters we invariably in- 
sist that our luu'se wear only business 
clothes and a derbv. 



Some men were born with silver 
spoons in their mouths and others, 
judirinj; by their table manners, with 
knives. 

Trouble with a bloomiui; idiot is 
that he thinks he's the whole tiower- 

sarilen. 

• i» • 

Fvidently the most popular proper 

name in C\v,iixress is frank. 

* * * 

.V woman never eanrels her speak- 
ing dates. 

* * * 

The cracksman's ambition naturally 

is to be on the safe side, 

* • • 

The KiiiiT of Spades — Colonel Goe- 
thals. 

• » • 

The old-fashiontHl woman who would 
have shriektHl with indii^nation If any- 
biHly saw her props, now has a dauiiht- 
er who trips out on the street with 
about (i husky inches of 'em showing. 

The tly is the Autocrat of the Multi- 
plication Table. 

April breezes uncover a multitude 'of 
shins. 

"After yon, my dear Alphonse." has 
a sinister eonnotatiou in Spain. 
• » • 
XiH'essity may be also the mother of 

interventiiui. 

• » • 

We presume that the favorite poet 

of the Peanut Trust is Pindar. 

* • • 

"Mau alive!" is an exclamation sel- 
dom heard in Mexico nowadays. 

• » • 

Diekens said the parks are "the 
lungs of London." but Mrs. Pankhurst 
appears to be a hot stvond. 

There's many a slip 'twixt the Cup 

and the I.ipton. 

The jingo press uses the American 
eagle to catch a lot of gulls. 

"President Cuts Sentence." says a 

headline. Ah. if it were only a Henry 

.lames senteni'cl 

• » ♦ 

But can the .Vllies baste Turkey 

witlKMit Greei'e'.'' 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



143 



Woman's hand seems to have been 
especially modeled so as to tit com- 
fortably in the trousers pocket. 
» » • 

Mrs. Pankhurst's favorite linear 
measure is thought to be a stone's 

throw." 

« » * 

Secretary Daniels has abolished 
"port" and "starboard," but sherry and 

sideboard are still pretty husky. 

• » • 

Secretary Lane has a keen sense of 
liinnor. He has given Mary Full 
Stomach a job in the Interior depart- 
ment. 

• * • 

"George F. Baker certainly has a 
head on him," admiringly exclaims an 
exchange. And a lot of other peoi)le 

think well of Baker's coco. 

« » » 

We see by tlie Kansas papers that 
Mrs. Mudd, nee Dirtt, of Clay County, 
is asking for a divorce, and it takes 

sand. 

• • * 

King George has bestowed the Order 
of the Garter on a woman, but we'll 
bet Mary was right there when he did 

the decorating. 

• • • 

Little Bo-peep has lost her sheep. 
"But nobody's got my goat," she was 

careful to explain. 

« « « 

Woodrow is so hard to please. 
Doesn't Germany concede practically 

everything we didn't demand? 

• • * 

We observe that a lot of people still 
cling to the old-fashioned doctrine that 
the State, not the mob, should show 

its lawbreakers the ropes. 

• » • 

Two heads may be better than one, 
but who wants more than one head 

the morning after? 

• « • 

The New York woman who says her 
affinity is the planet Nejitune must not 
liavo heard about those lovely rings 

Saturn has. 

« * « 

Somehow, these Austrian notes seem 
to bear a striking similarity to the 
literary style of the Wilhelmstrasse 
gentleman w'ho used to answer ours. 



"Laugh, and the men laugh with 
you," says May Irwin. A lot of them 

prefer a smile. 

« * * 

All the world's a stage, but the wo- 
men have most of the speaking parts. 

"What Women Are Doing." — Head- 
line. Men. 

Money talks, all right, but it's usu- 
ally saying "Goodbye!" 

Cuba expects the .Tohnson-Wlllard 
bout to bring thousands of visitors. 
Sort of Havana filler, eh? 

All the Greek reservists here are not 

roughnecks. Many are men of polish. 

* « « 

Well, the Young Turk should feel at 

home among the Asia Minors. 

• « * 

The Sick Man of Europe appears to 

have arrived at the pulmotor stage. 
« * « 
Some of the original thirteen States 

are entirely too original. 

« « « 

Von Bernstorff should be deported at 
once. He has connnitted a most bar- 
barous atrocity, we observing by the 
papers that he got President Wilson's 

ear. 

* « • 

We expect any day for Herr Jagow 
to discover an incriminating document 
proving that Jamaica and the Isle of 
Wight were planning to invade the 
United States. 

Some one speaks of the "unsophisti- 
cated Georgians"; but haven't they 

proved that they know the ropes? 

» « « 

There's a decided diplomatic flavor 
in the fashion note which says that 

"spats will be fashionable this fall." 

* » • 

We see by the papers that T. R. Is 
still standing behind the President — 

with a sandbag. 

« « « 

Some men are born diplomats and 
others laugh heartily at the boss' 

jokes. 

* * * 

"Haitien army wants to fight us." 
That darky's evidently been drinking 
again. 



144 



POFMs A\n rAi?A(r/?Arns 



A litorac.v tost is an oxaiulnntion in\- 
posod upon iniinisrants by statosnion. 
most of whom oouUln't itossibly pass 
it tluMuselvos. 

l>avaria bans tlu^ fan^o, doubtless on 
tlio tlioory that tluno are alroady 

euougli liops thoro. 

« tt • 

Some Fatuous Crosses. 
Iron 
Victoria 

Char ins 

Double. 

* * • 

There is somotliinj: wronsi with the 
fellow who boasts that he hasn't an 

enemy in the world. 

« • • 

The Tetroiirad lad may be some liar. 
But we never heard of his annonneini: 
that he takes a cold i>lun.!re every 
niornins; of the year. 

Doe l>umba will be kni,i:hti\l. but 

hasn't he always been'? 

* • * 

Another thin?: we're sirateful for is 
that WotHlrow's head is as Ions: as his 

ehin. 

• » • 

It's not the best advertisement for 
OiHirjria. beinc: tl>e State of Toombs 
and Graves. 

There is really not a i^reat deal of 
ditTerenee. riattsbur;: drills and the 

Colonel bores. 

• * • 

I.^£rislative bill prohibitius fortune 
tellers looks like an underhand dii: at 
Dun and Bradstreet. 

"Lost" adv. in the New York Her- 
ald : "Diamond and pearl lady's Tin." 
A jewel of a woman, obviously. 

Fiji's oontini^ent. whieh has arrived 
at the front, devoutly trusts there is 
something: in the report that the brav- 
est are the tenderest. 

With due resjHvt to the proverb, the 
race is always to the swift when ho 

carries extra tires. 

• * • 

Russia knows that these .ire the 
times that try men's soles. 



The Frenehnmn who said man is de- 
scended from the bullfri\:: was proba- 
bly full of hops. 

« tt • 

Delaware has decidini to retain the 
whippinij-post. but the dear old criti 
cal Yanks are as silent as the grave. 
Delaware unfortunately mU beliii: one 
of those uncivilized and benis^htiHl 

Southern States. 

• tt « 

Richmond distilleries are responsi- 
ble for many a Virginia reel. 

• « • 

"(.lerman-Americans are just Ameri- 
cans," says one writer. But some of 
them are a creat deal more just than 

(Uhers. 

« • • 

Our notion of a study in scarlet is 

the Turk's hands. 

• • • 

Slogan for 1010 : One good term de- 
serves another. 

John Bull's idea of foul Uies is tho.><e 

Zep. ones. 

• • • 

Some men are born heroes, and oth- 
ers tell their barber that they occa- 
sionally use safety-razors. 

• • • 

If you have ever seen a picture of 
Bagdad, it will be ditticult to under- 
stand why the British are fighting so 
hard for it. 

Italy claims to have the tlower of 
her armies in the tield. and they seenj 

to be daisies, too. 

• • * 

These magicians who claim they can 
make water wine must take a back 
seat now. The Allies have made Tur- 
key quail. 

Probably nothing in this old vale of 
tears is more disillusioning than see- 
ing a pretty girl eating corn on the 
cob. 

Truth also appears to have been In- 
terned for the war. 

It doesn't retiuire a palmist to pre 
diet that the Turk is about to take » 
long journey. 

The canny criminal in these times 
confesses to the magazines. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALEZ 



145 



Though Hhe won't join In, tlie Allir;.s 
must admit that Hellas Is paved with 
good intentions. 

We suppose WUhelm has come to 
feel that a boil on the stove is worth 
two on the neck. 

Charity begins at home, and in nine 
cases out of ten it never gets farther 
than the front door. 

There certainly is irony in tlie fact 
that Am(?rica's biggest gun factory Is 
located at IJethloliern. 

Judging by the pictures of those 
beniedalled officers, every day is decor- 
ation day in Germany. 

Success consists of one-fifth inspira- 
tion and four-fiftbs perspiration. 

War is Mexico. 

London's morning query : "What's 
up?" 

They made a solitude and called it 

kultur. 

• • » 

One touch of summer makes the 
whole world skin. 

Give the dear creatures a little 
credit. Some of 'em are not as pink 
as they are painted. 

We see by the I'etrograd news that 
the Russians have withdrawn from 
East Prussia without losing a man or 
a gun — or a minute. 

We see by the news from Haiti that 
the chocolate soldier is still having a 
long run. 

Another great trouble with this suf- 
fering old world is that it contains too 
many males and too few men. 

A straight line is the shortest dis- 
tance between two points, as old Euclid 
pointed out that time, but it is difficult 
to convince a gentleman who has had 
about eight snifters of this immortal 

truth. 

• • * 

"Out of sight, out of mind" doesn't 
apply to the submarine. 



A cotton planter's ncjtion of the gowl 
old days are those in which the sisters 
used to wear three pretticoats at a 
time. 

Man's inhumanity to man also 

makes countless thousands rich. 

« « • 

About the only bright side of the 
r.alkan fighting is that It'll keep us in 
Pullnjan car names for a good genera- 
tion. 

• « • 

It may sound paradoxical, but the 
apple of a man's eye Is usually a 
peach. 

• * • 

For sake of Turkey's treasury, it's 
to be hoped she has no widow's pen- 
sion fund. 

« » • 

China wants to buy submarines here 
on credit. I. O. U. -boats, so to speak. 

Penrose must sympathize with .Judge 
Lindsay. He, too, has never betrayed 

a trust. 

• • • 

Nick Ijongworth is out in praise of 
the hyphenates, but the Colonel feels 
in this crisis that necessity knows no 
in-law. 

• • • 

Here's Carranza's chance to show 
that all his gray matter isn't on his 
chin. 

Germany says she has enough bread. 

Yes, but what about her dough? 

« • * 

Says the Cincinnati Enquirer : "When 
a High Brow gets in bad with a wo- 
man, he is a Disciple of Old Man 
Plato." He's liable to become a Dis- 
ciple of Old Man Pluto if friend hus- 
band happens in about that time. 

And when a fellow goes out and 
[laints the town red, he doesn't use 
water colors, either, not by a jugful. 

However, we are not too unprepared 
to lick the socks, if any, off Mexico 
should the need arise. 

When a society eflitor can't con- 
scientiously say a girl is pretty, she al- 
ways gets out of It by calling her 
"chic" or "picturesque." 



146 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



An exchange advertises a device that 
will permanently cure snoring in 20 
minutes. We understand that Messrs. 
Krupp and Creusot have several de- 
vices guaranteed to cure it permanent- 
ly in about 20 seconds. 

Somehow, Marse Henry's scorn of 
the hyphenates doesn't appear to ex- 
tend to The Courier-Journal. 

* * ♦ 

The same earnest local prohibitionist 
who won't stand in front of a mos- 
quito bar also insists always that the 
barber brush his hair dry. 

Poor Booh. 
He is a very simple cove ; 

We speali of Ferdy Fife; 
He thinks that if he eats a clove 

He's sure to fool his wife. 

Every now and then the Kaiser ex- 
periences a moment of great magnan- 
imity, when he announces that prob- 
ably heaven is fighting on the Aus- 
trian side, too. 

* « • 

A girl whose face looks like a 
marshmallow isn't necessarily a candy 
kid. 

• • • 

Greece and greaser still hold the 

lime-light. 

« * • 

Our understanding is that the late 
Mrs. Cleopatra had no use for the pat- 
pat kiss. 

« « « 

Mr. Underwood says the country is 
"braced" for the tariff change, but a 
close inspection reveals that Louis- 
iana's suspender buttons are only 
hanging by a thread. 

Indiana's novelists are all very well, 
but give us those Kansas cereal stories 

every time. 

• « • 

Yet We Snicker at the Russian Names. 
Ossawatomie. 
Kalamazoo. 
Pocomoonshine. 
Schenectady. 
Tioughniougha. 
Ronkonkoma. 
Cheektowago. 
Skaneateles. 



We suppose those patriotic French 
long ago renamed the book "Robinson 
Creusot." 

Idiot. 
We mourn the fate of old Gabe 
Gratty— 
He can't survive, we fear ; 
The mutt dropped into Cincinnati 
And bellowed : "Down with beer !" 

Now, here's a saying that is true, 

As all must fain declare; 
If you become a rounder, you 

Are not apt to be square. 

* * * 

Untold wealth is what the income 
tax collector will leave behind him. 

Human nature is pretty funny, and 
we suppose the natives of Passachuck- 
atumpus. Me., wonder how in the 
world a Polish town can stand for a 
fool name like Szczcbrzeszyn. 

Petrograd seems to forget that Sam- 
son invented that method of winning 
battles with a jawbone. 

The Hon. Jim Ham Lewis asserts 
that he wants a "return to the spirit 
of '76." We should think that coming 
from Lewis, the spirit of '66 would pre- 
sent a stronger appeal. 

We suppose that if the prohibition- 
ists had their way they would make 
every tippler's epitaph read simply: 

"(Hie) (hie) Jacet." 

* * * 

Now that we've shown our hand, 
will Berlin show its fist? 

It's all right for wool to keep coming 
into this country, but not on heads. 

One-half the Carranza fleet is the 
gunboat Corrigan II. How we love 
those romantic old Castilian names ! 

They are hanging Cubists in Boston. 
The pictures, unfortunately, not the 
painters. 

Opportunity is never spoken of as 
"she," which may explain why so few 

men embrace it. 

* « • 

Unbridled temper rarely accompa- 
nies horse sense. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



147 



Count von BernstorfE, it must be ad- 
mitted, is one of Germany's most 

promising diplomats. 

« * « 

"There's always room at the bot- 
tom,' chuckled von Tirpitz, as he 
launched another torpedo. 

If these optimistic Washington re- 
ports are true, there is grave fear that 
poor old Mexico is on the point of re- 
verting to civilization. 

The Pennsylvania lad who swal- 
lowed a "Wilson button, got a mighty 
good man down. 

Once upon a time there was a prac- 
tical joker who laughed heartily when 
they made him the victim of a practi- 
cal joke. As Luke McLuke says, all 
fairy tales begin with once upon a 
time. 

The London police aim to put the 
acid-throwing suffragettes among the 

best cellers. 

• * * 

We suppose those smart French 
make "room" feminine because they 
so frequently communicate with each 
other. 

Mexico — the land of the flea and the 
home of the bravo! 

The Colonel says no words can char- 
acterize our Mexican policy, forthwith 

emitting about 2,500 of 'em. 

« « « 

There's nothing that will turn one's 
head sooner than success or a pretty 

ankle. 

• * • 

Generous to a fault — its owner. 

Youths rush in where wise men fear 

to wed. 

« * « 

Consistency is a jewel that mighty 

few women wear. 

• • • 

Utopia is a country where all women 
tell the conductor they can't take ad- 
vantage of the half-fare rate, as the 
kid is several days over twelve years 

old. 

• » « 

Nothing is quiet along the Potomac. 



Paradoxical as it may sound, the 
best way to make both ends meet is 
to keep straight ahead. 

It's hard for a tailor to believe there 
were ever early settlers in this coun- 
try. 

"Another Word to the Women." — 
Detroit Free Press. And how, pray, 
did our contemporary manage to get 

in the first one? 

• • • 

The difference between Wilson and 
Bryan is Germany. 

As soon as a woman who used to eat 
dinner at 2 o'clock and have cold sup- 
per at 7 :30 acquires a little money, she 
always Lunches at 2 and Dines at 7 :30. 

« -» « 

If Mexico can't form a stable gov- 
ernment, it isn't for any lack of don- 
keys. 

» » » 

"Mexico is my country."— Pancho 
Villa. Well, we don't hear any other 

bids. 

• • * 

What the hyphenated brethren need 
is more Schurz and fewer collars. 

* « • 

A Mexican bill of fare always con- 
tains chile con carnage. 

• » • 

These theorists may have some con- 
trol over birth, but none of the bawl. 

We see by the Philadelphia papers 
that Billy Sunday is working to beat 
hell. 

« * « 

"Women," says Mrs. Ella Flagg 
Young, "like a winner." Yep; and es- 
pecially a bread-winner. 

« « • 

Every woman has her good points, 

but they aren't hatpins. 

• * • 

It's hard to convince the audiences 
Mr. Bryan addresses that talk is 
cheap. 

Gaby Deslys is here with 180 trunks, 
but we only want to see her in two. 

When WUhelm said the war would 
be over in October, he may have 
meant, over in Germany. 



148 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



"I don't believe that my great-great- 
grandfather was a monkey," declares 
Billy Sunday. The views of Billy's 
great-great-grandson along this line 
ought to be interesting some day. 



The Mexican question : 
arms? 



Alms or 



Opening of a "Ladies' Bar" in a 
New York hotel indicates that wo- 
man's sphere in some instances is the 
highball. 

It's a lucky thing for Queen Sophia 
of Greece that European monarchs are 
not in the habit of demanding back 
wedding presents. 

We didn't raise our Colonel to be a 

nuisance. 

* « • 

Louvain's Wilson Square will be a 
fitting tribute to a square Wilson. 

"The Republic of Flowers" is the 
new official designation for China. 
Well, according to automobile statis- 
tics, America is the carnation. 

Nero and Tamerlane, by comparison, 
loom up among the foremost philan- 
thropists of history. 

« « « 

Mr. Wilson wants the Mexican ban- 
dits to get together, but they'll be 
hanged if they do. 

Made to order — woman. 

» « « 

In the light of recent events, it be- 
comes more apparent than ever that 
the man who first remarked that 

might makes right said something. 

* « * 

We see by the London news that 
General Haig has scotched the Ger- 
mans again. 

Ford is no sailor, but he appears to 
have qualified as a skipper. 

Our notion of an Italian offensive is 
garlic. 

Germany has replied to it, but she 

didn't answer it. 

* « * 

Spades seem to be trumps in the 
war zone. 



Looks as if poor old Turkey is about 
to be released to the Asia Minors. 

The weigh of the transgressor is 
especially hard when it's the coal 

man's. 

« « * 

Stock market has its Mars to thanks 
for all those pars. 

Some men are born unlucky, and 

others are Balkan reservists. 

• * * 

The Memphis Commercial Appeal 
says, "God clothed Adam with author- 
ity." Well, it doesn't show on any of 

the pictures of him we've seen. 

• * « 

A Chicago man says that a diet of 
alfalfa will relieve one quickly of the 
blues. Our observation has been that 
a tolerably high full-house in the other 
fellow's hand will produce the identical 

result. 

« « # 

As we understand it, an auburn- 
haired girl is a rich red-headed girl. 
A Titian haired girl is a rich red- 
headed girl whose father is a pretty 
big advertiser. 

"It is astonishing," declares Dr. 
Woods Hutchinson, "how little atten- 
iton we pay to anything that gets 
under our own hides." Is it possible 
that this worthy man has never enter- 
tained a chigger? 

Herr Dernburg must think our na- 
tional motto is, "United we stand — for 
anything." 

The papers are making a big fuss 
over the fact that some Western 
woman is president of a bank, but 
that's nothing. We've known some 
women for years who are accomplished 
tellers. 

Cincinnati reports that after con- 
cluding their business session, the del- 
egates of the Wholesale Liquor Deal- 
ers' Association visited the zoo. Any- 
thing behind the bars naturally looks 

good to them. 

• » • 

Private advices from the harem sug- 
gest that the grand old Sultan is 
exceeding the gal-a-month limit. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



149 



Commencement time is here, by gum ; 

We've read the list of dates, 
And soon we shall be hearing from 

The Petrograduates. 

• * « 

This news telling of Harvard's 
trained worm isn't remarkable. Every 
married woman has one. 

Liberia seems to be the colored sup- 
plement of the diplomatic service. 

After all, the most pleasant summer- 
resort temperature is two in the shade. 

It sounds paradoxical, but the cold 

gray dawn is generally blue. 

* * * 

Once upon a time there was a wo- 
man who bought a pair of shoes big 
enough for her. 

As regards Mexico, the President 
seems to hint that intervention may 
also be the mother of necessity. 

Democracy is a sturdy oak, and 
Hearst is the woodpecker. 

A man never blows his own horn so 
much as when he is on a toot. 

Needles and pins, needles and pins ; 
when a man's neutral, his trouble 

begins. 

« « * 

Man's inhumanity to man makes the 
whole world chip in. 

Drowning one's sorrows is no way 
to keep in the swim. 

T. R.'s forthcoming autobiography 
may be in large print, but it's a safe 
bet it won't be easy on the I's. 

The dreadnought Barleycorn had 
better keep a sharp lookout, for the 

prohibition periscope's in sight. 

» ♦ ♦ 

Colonel "Watterson has become much 
more moderate and restrained in his 
praise of Woodrow Wilson, and all he 
says this week is that heaven picked 

him out for the job. 

» # * 

Roosevelts rush in where Wilsons 

fear to tread. 

« « « 

New York is now dining on horse- 
steaks — a la carte, of course. 



Latest divorce items indicate that 
DeWolf Hopper is celebrating the glo- 
rious Fourth early. 

* » ♦ 

Peace advocates continue to lay 
plans; but will they hatch? 

One infallible way to get roasted is 
to stay stewed. 

The early revenue officer also catches 
the worm. 

Either the reporter who says, "Mr. 
Taft flecked the dust from his shoes" 
has a wonderful imagination, or it isn't 
the same Mr. Taft we know. 

In these bloody times, the most 
comforting advertisement we see is the 
one that states, "No metal can touch 
you." 

A Greek is about as brave as the 
rest of them. But you can always 
bring him to his knees by calling for a 

shine. 

* * « 

The best longevity promoter, after 
all, seems to be Father Time's diet of 

dates. 

* * * 

Circuit judges — electricians. 

Torpedo in haste and repent at leis- 
ure. 

« • « 

The first requisite for a President's 
doctor, as we understand it, is to allow 
himself to be soundly beaten at golf 
once a day. 

That opticians' convention that 
wound up by singing "The Star Span- 
gled Banner" must have put a lot of 

unction in "Oh, say, can you see." 

* * * 

Montenegro, in short, is the South 

Carolina of Europe. 

« # « 

However, there are worse things 

than being snubbed by Mexico. 

* » ♦ 

Austrians charge that Russian pris- 
oners eat soap. It is now clear why 

these belligerents foam at the mouth. 

« « « 

Little thought for today: Too 
many eye-openers will close *em. 



l.M) 



pof-:Ms A\n PAi^A(^RArFrs 



It fortntnly bosilns to look as If Cor- 
lujuiy is jiolui; to irot sunbuniod. 

"All Stvtlous Uoport CuHui Ivusi- 
uess." — llojullino. iJooil busliioss ! 

Still. tlu' probitionists wtuiUln't 
mliul stviui: ootton b.-ilf-soas ovor. 

•'Viiinlv l>ou>b:irii Montono.^rin 
rrowii riiuiv's Villa." Hoadlluo. 

Vvom biijbor (ban (bo biubosi Alp 
'Pboy droppod (bo lotbal spboro : 

Tboy (riod to sxot old Kiui: Niok's soalp, 
Hu( oiMildn't trot bis boir. 

•■rnniari-io«l Knclisbmon don't waul 
to ii,i:;b(." Nadirally. 'PbaCs wby (boy 
aro vinmarriod I'niilisbnioii. 

Tboro wouldn't bo so n\any faniily 
jars if it woion't t\M- .in,u:s. 

Tbo crainl nn* dinnor days bavo 
ovMuo. tbo sbaddost of tbo yoar. 

Wbotbor it bo truo tbat tbo nioiiorn 
girl is loss "atYtvtod" tban bor proto- 
typo of yostoryoar wo kni>w no(. lUit 
sbo oonainly soonis to put on loss. 

Wo oan not undorstand wby tbo 
masrazino writers oall it "darkost Mo\- 
iiv." wbon Moxioans aro otornally 
lotting dayliuibt it\(o ono anotbor. 

"\Von(on's obMbiUi: iMio-tbird olY." 
Adv. Tboy Un^k i(. 

«.">noo in a srroat wbilo a sooioty odi- 
tor has a twin.i:;o of oonipnnotloii and 
statos tbat tbo bridocrooni was also 
prosont. 

Oarnso and Ty Cobb visitins; tbo At- 
lanta fodoral prisiMi soniobow reminds 
lis of tbo stars and stripos. 

In tbo matter of lootlns:. Panelio 
Villa easily loads all otber Mexioan 
tirst-saokers. 

An onnoo of Rillie l>urke is wortb a 
povnid of Tankburst. 

"When is a obantYonr drunk?" in- 
qxilres tbo Now York World. Pon't 
ask us; we aro no antbority on antc>- 
Intoxloatlon. 



A lot of pensive April mablens will 
soon l>oronio e\ponsive June briiles. 

Cedar Kapids. Imvay. bas a voeallst 
wbo is by way of boinj: a srroat hu- 
morist in his fasbii>n. Aooonliu?: to 
the (Ja/.o((e, •■l.as( ni^lu Kvanijelist 
Sooville spoke on (bo l?ible boll. Mr. 
Poloss Sndth san- a solo. 'Wo Will 
Moot You there .' " 

Tboso tbioi> b's in tbo Webb bill 
may aooouut for its stinjx. 

While tbo Teuton kaisers were pre- 
senting Iron Tmssos. Viotor Kmmauuel 

banded out a double ono. 

.\ I'aokard na(i<ni imirbt not to be 
oontentod with a l\M-d army. 

Hated breath is fashionable dnrinir 
tbo lisbini;- so.ason. 

(Jrook dipU>maey always puts us in 
nund of a banana skin. 

Main trouble about the Allied 
l>alkan oxpotlitiiin is that it never 
uses any. 

The Pardanollos forts, of eourse. 
wore rodneod mi aooount of damasje 
by lire. 

It is to lausih to see "Honorable" 
prolixod to some polltieians. 

Wo aro airainst Ions; hatpins and 
bavo boon on many ooeaslons. 

Tunddors boiji't tumbles. 

The tirst person plural Adam. 

No wonder wool has made Wash- 
Injrtou warm I 

Some men aro Inn-n liars, and others 
write hno letters. 

T. U. seoius to bo the autoorat of 
the Ciary dinner table. 

Well, anyway, the Turk doosu't 
olaim that he i:ot liekiHl for strat- 
oirioal reasons. 

You tnay tiro when you aro ready. 
Woodrow. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



151 



Oolonel RooHC'Vfclt. Ih our Idoa of a 
dramatic critic. 

Home FamouH Hnapn. 
c;old. 

Hoft. 
OiriKor. 

T\u'. IJjilkiin Sf,;it<!H dnucM to Jjny- 
body'H niijslc but only the hoHitatiou. 

Money Ih the n^ot of all evil, and 

we're all dlK^ln^?. 

• * • 

Ah Lloyd-George Hee8 it, war is Hhell. 

• • • 

A doctor will tell you tliat cold feet 
meauH jKXjr circulation. And that 

holdH good for newspaperH, too. 

• • » 

If you don't belle /e there Is anybody 
prouder than the Huiall boy wltii his 
first pair of lony i)antH, juHt watch a 
darky with a gold tooth. 

RuHsia'H standing army isn't finding 

It HO easy to sit on tlie Ottoman. 

• • • 

Well, if Turkey ever takes p'li't i» 
any jicace overtures, sh«; Las her 

Golden Horn. 

• * « 

Count that day queer, in which when 
darkness comes, they don't turn up 

more hidden German bombs. 

• • • 

In his peace-lecture itinerary, Mr. 
Bryan will, of course, shun Rattle 

Crerik. 

« « • 

The new styles have served one pur- 
pose. Nobody can say the girls are 

without visible means of support. 

« « • 

P>il communications corrujit goo<l 

neutrals. 

• « * 

Many are called, but few lay down 

better than threes. 

« • • 

We also have a surplus of Jitney 

statesmen. 

« « • 

One of Haiti's leading trouble-mak- 
ers seems to be General Blot, and if he 
doesn't take care he's going to be 
wiped out. 

Speaking of the point of view, 
there's the periscope. 



A Hwwlish j)rofesHor gets the Nobel 
jirizf? for chemistry. Why this dis- 
crimination against the gentle German 

who inventwj poison gas? 

• • • 

Mr. Lansing, we supftose, carf^ not 
who makes thr; laws of a country if 

only he can write Its notes. 

• • • 

The latter-day divinity that shapes 

our ends is the manicure. 

• * * 

Haiti's case jtroves that there's usu- 
ally a wide distinction between a sta- 
ble; government and a sable govern- 
ment. 

« « • 

Most of Carranza's gray matter 

seems to be on his chin. 

« » • 

I"'rom jdague, pestilence, famine and 

kultur, good Lord, deliver us! 

• • • 

Anyway, the parcel post can't pre- 
vent us from expressing our senti- 
ments. 

« « • 

In King Constantlne's case, it seema 

that he who hesitates is bossed. 

• • • 

.ludging i)y the deliverances of 
some of those Teuton professors, many 

a I'h. D. is also a D. Ph. 

• « • 

War with Germany might be unpop- 
ular, but it would jiut our army into 
transports. 

There are some guys 
We'd like to scrap; 
The mutts that copy 

Charlie Chap. 

• • • 

F'ists across the sea ! 

« • • 

It appears to be the House of MIs- 

hapsburg. 

« • • 

Too many eye-openers will close 

'em. 

« • • 

Trouble about licking the Russians Is 

that they never seem to know It. 

• • • 

You can't preserve yourself by get- 
ting pickled. 

• • • 

The only drawback to the pacifist 
programme is that this doesn't happen 
to be the millennium. 



152 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



What's the matter with LansiuK? 
He's all write ! 

« • • 

War is morning After. 

Bulgarian General Yankoff somehow 

reminds us of Mary Garden. 

« * « 

The wages of sin is scareheads. 

What Japan wants in China is sim- 
ply China. 

Our notion of desperate straits are 
the Dardanelles. 

The prohibition appeal, in brief : 
"Shake the Bottle." 

Dnm-dum backwards suooinotly di^ 
scribes our streets. 

A man never has to pay so much 
interest on a loan as when he borrows 
trouble. 

Ambassador Dumba's revision : "Be 

sure that yon write, then go ahead." 

• » • 

Sir Thomas Beecham. just raised to 
kniglithood. is expected to be a piller 

of tlie peerage. 

• • • 

Lately Petrograd seems to husband 
its excuses ; possibly because it doesn't 

want to father them. 

« * * 

At that, the pound isn't any worse 
off than a lot of other sovereigns. 

Whoever put the balk in Balkans 

certainly made a thorough job of it. 

• • • 

In Two Reels. 
1 — Stag party. 

2 — Stagger party. 

• » * 

An automobile can't climb, but there 
are families that can't climb without 

one. 

• • • 

Every dog has his day. but the cat 

owns the night. 

• • * 

Some men are born unwise, and oth- 
ers get paragraphers into poker games. 

Petrograd reports severe fighting at 
Mush. Now we know where those 
Kurds are. 



Here lies the dust of Gabriel Tude, 
Of whom this town once boasted; 
When living he was always stewed, 

But now he's being roasted. 

« * * 

Another melancholy thing about the 
Balkan situation is the way poor little 
Servia is always having to punt from 
behind her own goal line. 

That "cream of Russia's army" is 
still cream, but von Hindenburg has 

whipped it. 

* » « 

It seems paradoxical, but two of our 
most prominent pacifists are Cannon 

and Gore. 

* » • 

A rousing time — the alarm clock. 

« « « 

Most of the i>eace overtures appear 
to be coming from the wind instru- 
ments. 

* « • 

Still, there's something highly ap- 
propriate about a man named Schwab 
cleaning up. 

United we stand for a whole lot. 

• * ♦ 

Sock der Kaiser ! 

« « ■• 

Italy might almost be referred to as 
the mistress of the high C's. 

If the Prinz Eitel Friedrich was a 
convertetl cruiser, she seems to have 

done some tall backsliding. 

« * • 

Actions speak louder than ultima- 
tums. 

If Bryan ever succeeds in getting 
peace, a whole lot of husbands would 
like to know how he nuuiaged it. 

"On to Petrograd !" shout the Ger- 
mans. Well, the American reading 

public certainly is. 

• • • 

The ^lexican bone of contention, we 
take it. is located in old Carranza's 
head. 

Some of those submarine brutes 
would look a lot better under a 
wotxien cross than with an Iron Cross. 

We don't know whether a dollar 
goes as far as it used to, but it cer- 
tainly goes faster. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



153 



All the martyrs aren't over in the 
trenches. There is the fat woman who 
tries to squeeze Into a corset a couple 

of sizes too small for her. 

• • • 

Germany will observe that we are 

not too proud to write. 

« * « 

"Congressmen," says an exchange, 
"earn $025 a month." Not at all. Con- 
gressmen get $<J25 a month. 

« • • 

Backward, turn backward, King 
Vic. in thy flight, and knock them 

there Austrians clean out of sight. 

• • • 

What delightful little dreams the 
Kaiser must have when the visions of 
the murdered American babes of tlie 
Lusitania and the mangled English 
tots done to death by that amiable old 
devil, Zeppelin, pass in review before 

bim. 

• • • 

A Mexican Pastel in Three Reels. 
1 — Pancho 
Rancho 

2— Shoot 
Loot 

3— Beat 

Retreat. 

• • • 

"How long," asks the Philadelphia 
Evening Ledger, "should a girl of 18 
wear her skirts?" Well, offhand, we 

should say all day long. 

• * • 

Quite the Reverse. 
Whene'er the 'phone [jersistently 

Goes "Ting-a-ling-a-ling !" 
We scowl and say "Hello I" when we 

Mean just the other thing. 

Farmers Not the Only Ones. Either. 
(From the Boston Transcript.) 
It is reported that moose are being 
frequently seen and are becoming con- 
siderable of a nuisance to farmers, 
who find it necessary to mend their 
fences frequently where the big ani- 
mals push through them. 

• « « 

Aw, G'lvan! 
A carpenter is Mr. Snow, 

A gentle man and kind; 
And yet I've often known him to 

Make a Venetian blind. 



Wonder. 
Twinkle, twinkle, movie star, 
How I wonder if jou are 
Just as pretty and serene 

As we see you on the screen. 

• « ft 

More Appropriate. 
The orange blossom is the official 
wedding flower. But we know of some 
we<Jdings where it ought to have been 

the marigold. 

* * # 

Paradoxical. 
"It seems to me," said Mr. Jack, 

A most amazing stunt 
That when .some one takes us aback 

We always take affront. 

« * « 

Modest. 
She is as modest as she's sweet ; 

We speak of Dotty Dorringe, 
Who blushes like the well-known beet 

To see a navel orange. 

ft » • 

Some Famous Pins. 
Hair 
Hat 

Scarf 
Safety 
Ten 
Belaying. 

ft ft ft 

Heard at the Movies. 

"I wisht some people would take off 
their hats." 

"Didn't I tell you that was the way 
it was going to come out?" 

"Don't you think Francis X. Bush- 
man is just too cute for anything?" 

"I wonder if Theda Bara is really 
as wicked as she tries to make out?" 

" 'n I says to her, Maud, I don't be- 
lieve Henry said any such of a thing, 
and she says, Yes, he did, and if you 
don't believe it, you can ast him your- 
self, and then I says ." 

"I used to couldn't tell what the 
characters were saying, but I got .so 
now I can read their lips nearly every 
time. Look there I She said, 'Good 
God!" 

"Betcha she kills him in the next 
reel." 

"C*mon, less go. Thass where we 
came in." 



154 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



The Fire-eaters. 
T. R. isn't such a much with his dis- 
covery of a bearded bird. Once we 
discovered a green gorilla, a scarlet 
and yellow hippopotamus and a red, 
white and blue snake, all at the same 

time. 

« « * 

Tut! Tut! 
We are peeved with the Fatherland, 

And if she won't desist 
We'll speak to her quite roughly, and 

Slap her upon the wrist. 

« » « 

Where Are the Songs of Yesteryear? 
Do you remember — 

"Red Wing?" 

"Hiawatha?" 

"I Met My Love at the Alamo?" 

"Shine On, Silver Moon, Shine On?" 

"Tell Me, Pretty Maiden?" 

"Love Me, and the World is Mine?" 

"And the Worst of it is, I Like It?" 

"Silver Heels?" 

« * ♦ 

Terra del Fuego, April 6, 1936: 
Special to The State: Two regiments 
of American cavalry, led by Briga- 
dier-General Dodd, arrived here today 
in pursuit of the Mexican bandit 
Villa, who passed through last night. 
Although 84 years of age, Gen. Dodd 
has borne the hardships of the saddle 
amazingly well. He expressed himself 
as confident of capturing the notorious 
outlaw almost any year now. Villa is 

reported to have lost a leg. 

« » « 

Suggested Punishments for Villa. 
Make him sing "The Star Spangled 
Banner," or 

Become an umpire, or 

Work in a munitions plant, or 

Drink some blind tiger licker, or 

Live in Charlotte, or 

Read The Congressional Record, or 

Eat a Charleston waffle, or 

Appoint him a paragrapher. 

• « • 

"How's the Folks, Jim"f 
How doth the busy candidate 
Keep always on the jump ; 
There's scarce a hand in this broad 
land 
That will not get a pump. 



Not Knocking the Rev. Percy, of Course. 
(From the Hartford Courant.) 
After President M. C. Manternach 
thought that the banqueters had en- 
joyed themselves enough, he called for 
order and immediately introduced the 

Rev. Percy E. Thomas. 

« * • 

You Might Escape the Heat In 
Ice, Ky. 

Breezy Point, N. H. 
Chilly, Ida. 
Fi-ost, Minn. 
Cold Stream, W. Va. 
Glacier, Mont. 
Snowball, Ark. 

Zero, Ky. 

• • • 

Everyday Whoppers. 

"Yes, sir ; your train's on time." 

"Coolest spot in the mountains ; no 
flies, no mosquitoes." 

"It weighed 30 pounds and was at 
least 4 feet long." 

"Absolutely guaranteed for 25 
years." 

"I'll be detained late tonight on 
important business, m'dear." 

"Now $12.98; worth $25.00." 

"Owner is selling on account of ill 
health." 

"There was no hurry, old man ; I'd 
forgotten all about lending you that 
five." 

"I've run it 5,000 miles without a 

single puncture." 

• ♦ » 

Our Human Zoology. 
Night hawks. 
Bull moose. 
Queer fish. 
Selfish brutes. 
End-seat hogs. 
Blind tigers. 
Loan sharks. 
Social lions. 
Lame ducks. 

Lucky dogs. 

• • • 

Maybe it's true, as the staid London 
Standard avers, that the Bank of Eng- 
land has 32 different methods of detect- 
ing bad notes. But there's many a 
country banker hereabouts who'd like 
to learn some dozen or so of them. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



155 



Do you Remember (Positively Last 
Appearance on Any Stage) — 

"Somebody Lied"? 

"Sister Susie's Sewing Shirts for 
Soldiers"? 

"My Wife's Gone to the Country"? 

"He's a Devil in His Own Home 
Town"? 

"After the Ball Is Over"? 

"That's How I Need You"? 

"Because You're You"? 

"I'm Afraid to Come Home in the 
Dark"? 

"Old Budweiser's a Friend of Mine"? 

* * * 

Some Famous — and Infamous — Flies. 
House. 
Pop. 
Butter. 
Horse. 
Foul. 
Fishing. 

Marguerite Clark and Mary Pick- 
ford are maids to be seen and not 

heard. 

« * « 

Sh07-t Orders. 

You can't preserve yourself by get- 
ting pickled. 

We suppose that when the full moon 
sobers up, it makes a bee line for the 
big dipper. 

A good many family trees are shady. 

A friend in need is apt to keep you 
broke. 

Some men are born heroes, and 
others tip the dining car waiter a 
nickel. 

A word to the wise is a waste of 
breath. 

We used to have a tobacco-chewing 
friend who was a source of pure and 
unadulterated delight to us. The man 
was the Ty Cobb of the Brown's Mule 
League, and he never failed to land a 
chew in the office cuspidor, which was 
15 feet from his chair, if an inch ; but 
alas ! we have fallen upon degenerate 
days, and we doubt if any of the boys 
that have dropped in on us in the past 
few months has spit a point better 
than .220. 



Half Lengths. 

Married men have better halves but 
bachelors have better quarters. 

It's fuuny how unfair so many fair 
women can be. 

A girl should have more than two 
strings to her beau. 

Every married woman is a leading 
lady. 

The apple of a youngster's eye is 
usually a peach. 

Pigheadeduess is the determination 
of an enemy. 

An optimist is a man who, when he 
gets the worst of it, makes the best 
of it. 

Sheet music — snores. 

Three Nuisances. 
Professional Irishmen. 
Professional Southerners. 
Professional New Yorkers. 

Famous Bones. 
Jaw. 
Funny. 
Back. 
Collar. 
Wish. 

Fred Merkle's. 

* * • 

Now here's a cheery quintette: 
Maria Gay. 
Merry del Val. 
Samuel G. Blythe. 
Cornelius Bliss, Jr. 
Henry B. Joy. 

Times Change. 
Tempora mutantur et nos mutamur 
in illos, or words to that general effect, 
as the old coot remarked that time, 
and we can even remember when this 
was such a somniferous old village 
that a dog fight on Main street drew 
an enormous crowd and the annual 
visits of the Swiss Bell Ringers and 
"Human Hearts" were the leading 
theatrical events of the season and 
when the street car would obligingly 
stop at any place on the block to let 
you off, and when if you entered a 
store and the proprietor was busy 
talking or playing checkers in the back 
with a crony, they would say : "Sh-h- !" 
and wait breathlessly for you to go 
out. 



156 



POEMS AXD PARAGRAPHS 



WUhclm's "Punishmoit." 
"Come up ! come up !" the Kaiser 
grrinued, 
"And take your castitration ; 
Most sriovously, Herr. yon have sinned 

Ajraiust the Yankee nation !" 
Then on that luckless wight he pinned 
A handsome decoration. 

"We hear a lot of people saying. 'It 
looks like Roosevelt.' " — Philadelphia 
North American. Poor little cuss ! 
Never mind, children change a great 

deal as they grow older. 

« * * 

Now that we have our Culinary 
Quartette, or rather, trio, since Zach 
Wheat properly belongs to the list be- 
low, let's see if we can lind some 
material for Kitchen, Baker and Cook 
to work with. Here's a starter : 

Hamilton Fish. 

Robert Bacon. 

"Ham" Lewis. 

Grant land Rice, 

Jim Coffey. 

A pest is a man who takes up a lot 
of your time praising himself to you 
for some stunt he pulled off, when you 
want to be praising yourself to him 
for some stimt you pulled off. 

A woman gets a big reputation for 
modesty when she refused to wear low- 
necked gowns, but it is about a ten to 
one shot that she has moles where you 
could see 'em. 

Short Orders. 

You can't burn the candle at both 
ends and keep it dark. 

And if you get dry on the water- 
wagon, recollect that there are springs 
in it. 

A square man never lacks a circle of 
friends. 

It's a funny language, boys. The 
closer a man is, the harder he is to 
touch. 

A man who is as honest as the day 
is long may need watching at night. 

In the game of hearts, diamonds are 
trumps. 

A peck of trouble is rarely short 
weight. 



Some of those G. O. P. dark horses 

bid fair to turn out to be night-mares. 

* * * 

Mahitaining peace with Mexico 
seems to be just about as expensive as 
war. 

It's easy to guess the tongue of the 
Roosevelt bandwagon. 

Do You Remember : — 

"Peg O' My Heart"? 

"My Wild Irish Rose"? 

"Bill Bailey?" 

"When We Are M-A-R-R-I-E-D"? 

"Under the Anheuser Bush"? 

"Waiting at the Church?" 

"Lindy"? 

"Row, Row, Row"? 

"Down Mobile"? 

• • • 

Huh ! 
I sat one eve on the river bank. 

And looked at the silvery stream, 
And what I saw convinces me 
That life is only a dream. 

— Milwaukee Journal. 

"I sat one morn on the edge of the 
bed," 
Said a friend of ours, "and, well, 
The way I felt convinces me 
That life is simply awful." 

— Macon Telegraph. 

I stood one aft. on a windj corner, 
And looked at the breezes at play. 

And what I saw convinces me 

That I am going right back to that 
there w. c. on the very first 

windy day. 

« * * 

II Must Be Sweltering In 
Sweatman, Miss. 
Heaters, W. Va. 
Hothouse, Ga. 
Fry, Ky. 
Suncook, N. H. 
Blaze. Ky. 
Furnace, Mass. 

A Chicago woman is raising sand, 
merely because her husband anointed 
her with a good deal of oil and then 
struck a match to her in his playful 
way. It impresses us that women are 
becoming more and more unreasonable 
every day. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALEZ 



167 



Things We Never Hear. 

"I would not advise you to buy these 
goods, madam, as they are not as ad- 
vertised." 

"Sure, I'm aj;ent for this car, but I 
gotta say it's the punkest flivver on 
the market." 

"Will you sign this sub.scription list, 
sir? We want to buy a handsome 
loving cup for the umpire." 

"I'lease don't put that dollar in the 
plate. A quarter will be ample." 

"Certainly, m'dear ; invite your 
mother to visit us for as long as she 
Iike.s." 

"I just dropped in to congratulate 
you on the splendid work your paper 
Ls doing." 

"Mister, you dropped this pocket- 
book just now." 

"Sure $10 will be enough, old man?" 

"Let me bat again, umps ; that hit 
was foul by a foot." 

"The reason I spent so much last 
term, dad, was poker and booze." 

"I'lea.se tell the society editor not to 

mention my reception tonight." 

« « « 

Home Famous Crosses 
Iron. 
Red. 
Double. 
Victoria. 

Charing. 

♦ * * 

Some Famous Notes. 
Key. 
Bank. 

Promissory. 
Foot. 
Woodrow's. 

The old-fashioned woman who 
thought it would be Improper and 
Immodest to go downtown on a windy 
day now has a daughter whose .shop- 
ping takes her by every corner sky- 
scraper in town when there is a young 
gale on. 

• • • 

Some Famous Caps. 
Thinking. 
Liberty. 
Fool's. 
Night. 
White. 
Skull. 



Some lawyers are so recklessly gen- 
erous that when they win a suit they 
are willing to give their client the 
sleeves of the vest. 

• • • 

You Bet. 
A word of cheer, 

A friendly hand 
When things go wrong 

To beat the band 
Will help a lot 

More than you know; 
You just see if 

It isn't so. 

* • • 

Douamont qualifies as the Finnegan 
fort. 

• * • 

Probably the best vacation tempera- 
ture is two in the shade. 

• • • 

The ladder of success in politics has 
many rounds of applause. 

• • * 

He seems to be the Colonel of the 
political situation everywhere. 

• « • 

Some Musical Communities. 
Fife, Ga. 
Drums, Pa. 
Harpe, N. C. 
Organ, N. M. 
Violin, La. 
Cornet, Wash. 
Bells, Tenn. 
Horn, Ky. 

• * * 

It must he a sweet and comforting 
thought to our young guardsmen, 
many of whom may never come home 
again, that in this crisis the encourage- 
ment our patriotic city gives them is a 
patronizing smile for their uniform, 
and that throughout the whole town 
nary a star-spangled is belly — beg par- 
don, Algernon, we mean stomaching to 

the breeze. 

« « • 

Purely Imaginary. 

The man we love is William Mills — 
Although his head's of bone ; 

He listens while we air our ills 
And never tells his own. 



158 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPUS 



The mother country api)ears to be 
treating us like a stepmother country. 

Somewhat Off Key. 
We feel inclined to lauiih at Chloe 
Who calls that German boat the 
Moewe. 
But more we giggle at the fervor 
With which fair Daphne calls it 
Moewe. 

IlCiird 0)1 the Huiitin(}s. 

"To my mind " 

"I cannot do justice to " 

"Far be it from me " 

"It behooves us " 

"It is hardly necessary to say " 

"One word more and 1 have done." 

'•It falls to my lot " 

•'I cannot tind words tti " 

"In the last analysis " 

"Be that as it may " 

"I shall not detain you longer." 
"It becomes my painful duty." 

"I point with pride to " 

• » * 

TTfti/ We Love to Sit Behind the Dears. 
"They call that a punt, don't they?" 
"Why does that funny man stand so 

near the fence?" 
"The score's a tie? In whose favor?" 
"Why does the big. fat man wear 

that idiotic cage on his face?" 

"Look at the scoreboard, John ! The 

score is now aOlMOl to 200,002." 

• • • 

Vow Iht. 
We'd rather dwell upon the land 

In dull, prosaic bliss 
Than be an aviator, and 
Come 

tumbling 

down 
like 

this. 

* * * 

The Up-to-date Postal Guide. 
Wilson. S. C. 
Marshall. lud. 

Hughes, Ala. 
Fairbanks. Ind. 

Roosevelt. N. Y. 
Parker. Ariz. 



They call 'em grass widows. But, 
son. di>n't get it into your noodle for 
a minute that there is anything green 
about them. Not for a minute. 

The old-fashioned man who wouldn't 
come in a ball game unless they let 
him pitch, now has a son who won't 
join the militia unless they make him 

a lieutenant. 

« * * 

In the matter of our other cheek, 
Germany evidently feels that one good 

turn deserves another. 

* « * 

Every dot/ Whoppers. 

"I wouldn't marry the best man on 
earth." 

"Standing Room Only." 

"Sorry, ma'am ; she's just gone out." 

"I dislike circuses myself, but you 
know I have to take the children." 

"At the solicitation of many friends 
I hereby announce my candidacy." 

"Positively No Smoking." 

"I'll pay you back tomorrow, sure." 

"Speed Limit 15 Miles an Hour." 

« » • 

Goethals' spring opening will be the 
biggest of all. 

Their Oeeupation^. 
The telejihone girl has a calling. 
The horse-dealer a trade. 
The seaman a craft. 
The detective a pursuit. 
The postman a walK of life. 

Once upon a time a married couple 
had a violent quarrel, which ended by 
friend wife's admitting that she was 
wrong. And friend husband promptly 
dropped dead from the shock. 

* * « 

All Eipht Othencise. 
(From the Mansfield, O.. News.) 
With the exception of being cut In 

two and his left arm cut off, there were 

no other bruises or injuries. 

Yes. 
The cost of foodstuffs soars apace; 

It is a pity. 
And yet men sonieaow find enough 

To feed the kitty. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



159 



Dr. Anna Howard Shaw says when 
women get on juries women litigants 
will get justice. They will, doc, if they 
are not too good-looking. A trousered 
jury will give a star-eyed sister any- 
thing she wants, but let a jury of 
women clap their lamps on a woman 
litigant who is better looking than 
they are, and she won't stand as much 
chance as the celebrated tallow cat did 
when he chased the equally celebrated 
asbestos rat through hades. 

Some, Hot Weather Reading. 

Nansen's "Farthest North." 
Whittier's "Snowbound." 
Russeii s "The Frozen Pirate." 
Dickens' "Christmas Carol." 
Loti's "Iceland Fisherman." 
Jerrold's "Cool as a Cucumber." 
Peary's "Snowland Folk." 
Mill's "Siege of the South Pole." 
Or anything by A. B. Frost or Wil- 
liam Winter. 

Why Do We Say: 
Bald as a coot? 
Busy as a bee? 
Cool as a cucumber? 
Full as a goat? 
Rude as a bear? 
Gay as a lark? 
Merry as a cricket? 
Pale as a ghost? 
Safe as a bank? 
Warm as a toast? 
Sick as a dog? 

Some guys talk big of gore they'll 

spill, 
And blood they'll wade in to their 

knees ; 
But the recruiting sergeant will 

Enlist naught but their sympathies. 

* * « 

House Republicans have only a 
Mann in a position that calls for a 
man. 

Some Famous Oeorgea. 
Lloyd 
Henry 
St. 
King 
By 



The great Kitchener died as truly 
for England as if he had fallen on the 
field of battle. England has suffered 
a staggering loss, but she will fight on 
more grimly than ever. And you mark 
our words, one of these days Sir John 
Jellicoe, standing on the bridge of the 
Iron Duke, with the Lion, the Tiger, 
the Warspite, the Marlborough, the 
Princess Royal, the Malaya and half a 
hundred colossal dreadnoughts follow- 
ing in thunderous and flame-belching 
battle line will exact the bloodiest ven- 
geance for the slain lion of England 
that the world has ever seen. 

• • • 

While the war has been hard on the 
horses, it's a mighty good thing for the 

Colts. 

• • • 

These Should Be Good Ball Towns. 
Pitcher, N. Y. 
Slide, Tex. 
Hitt, Mo. 
Fanning, Kan. 
Diamond, Ga. 
Curve, Va. 

« « « 

Somebody asks us if it is right that 
Villa lost his left leg. Yes, we under- 
stand the left leg is right. The right 

leg is left. 

• * • 

To Pilsener. 
Were we lord of an empiry 
That stretched from sea to silver sea, 
With many a rich and puissant town 
Acknowledged vassals of our crown, 
We'd swap it for a draught of thee, 
O amber heaven that once we knew ! 
O bosom comrade, tried and true, 
Where once we blithely sipped thy 

cheer, 
We now, forsooth, swig Unit beer 
And wish to Pete we were in New 
York.* 

* — Yes, we know the "York" doesn't 
fit into the metre, but we had to use 
the "New," and we are too cussed lazy 
to look up a good rime and we want to 
get away from here, anyhow. "And 
there," as Colonel Dooley was want to 
remark, "ye arr-r-re." 



160 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



It Seems Incredible. 
(New York Evening Journal.) 
It is said that he had threatened to 
kill her the first time he met her. He 
made good his threat when they met 
on the street, and she refused to see 
him again. 

When a Serbian wants to say "Yes" 
he shakes his head. There's a lot of 
Serb in the American girl — or so the 
kiss collectors tell us. 

When a girl makes up her mind, they 
say, she can catch any man. When she 
makes up her face her catch will be 
confined to boys. 

A man will have a fit if the laundry 
fails to send home one of his .S9c. 
shirts. But he never thinks of men- 
tioning it when the laundry sends 
home somebody else's $7.50 silk shirts 
by mistake. 

A Cuban court has sentenced a man 
to 238 years' imprisonment. That 
ought to be a salutary lesson to the 

fellow. 

* * * 

Next to meeting somebody who ad- 
mires some one we admire, we all like 
to meet somebody who hates some one 
we hate. 

Do you remember — 

"AVaiting for the Robert E. Lee?" 

"Steamboat Bill?" 

"Casey Jones?" 

"On the Mississippi?" 

"When That Midnight Choo-Choo 
Leaves for Alabam'?" 

"Has Anybody Here Seen Kelly?" 

"You Are the Ideal of My Dreams?" 

"Just One Girl?" 

"Everybody Works But Father?" 

"Just Because She Made Those Goo- 
Goo Eyes?" 

Some Vegetarian Settlements. 
Cornstalk, W. Va. 
Okra, Tenn. 
Celery City, Fla. 
Pease. Minn. 
Rice. Ariz. 
Hominy, Okla. 
Turnip, Ariz. 



German submarines are now so lamb- 
like they could be called ewe-boats. 

Practically all the nations now seem 
to have recognized Carranza except 
Mexico. 

Probably the reason so great a num- 
ber of chest wounds are not fatal is 
that many a warrior's heart was in his 
mouth. 

"I took her in my arms and kissed 
her back," announces Rider Haggard's 
newest hero. It must have been con- 
siderable of a feat. 

» « • 

Pot and Kettle. 
Ye girlie's vain, say all the men, 

They say it with a sigh ; 
But have you seen ye brother when 
He's fussing on his tie? 

— Philadelphia Public Ledger. 

Ye girlie's vain, say all the men, 

With self-complacence large ; 

But have you seen a young simp when 

He's getting a shave, shine, haircut, 

tonic, shampoo, singe, witch 

hazel steam, manicure and 

massage? 

• » • 

There is only one time in his life 
when the average man can make both 
ends meet. And that is when he is a 
baby and can take his foot in his 
mouth. 

A man who is low down enough to 
sink an unarmed passenger boat is low 

down enough vo lie about it. 

» » » 

Just think how Germany must envy 
Miss Mary Full Stomach of Washing- 
ton, D. C. ! 

♦ * * 

Not the least of the war's little 
ironies is a Mohammedan paper de- 
nouncing the Germans as barbarous. 

"Sir Douglas Haig is an ardent fol- 
lower of the turf." Well, he ought to 
like a close race. He belongs to one. 

Colonel Roosevelt seems to have 
tried about everything now except 
twilight sleep, and probably he'll get 
around to that in time. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



161 



The Bear is walking like a French- 
man. 

$10,000 for Villa dead certainly is a 
stiff price. 

Berlin may observe that even the 
bookworm will turn. 

Gets Our Angora. 
If there's one phase we hate with a 

hatred intense, 
It is that there monstrosity, "Ladies 

and Gents." 

Roosevelt still seems to be the col- 
onel of the Republican situation. 

It was a noble effort, Theodore, but 
that there new bird won't get you bet- 
ter than space on page 11, next to the 
liver-pill ads. 

A Texas paper says one child is 
born every four minutes in Texas. We 
imagine he gets mighty tired of it 
sometimes. 

Some More or Less Famous Necks. 
Stiff. 
Bull. 
Red. 
Horse's. 
Low. 

Huh! 
He loves to give his coin away, 

Does generous Mr. Kales ; 
Why, even when he weighs, they say 

He always tips the scales. 

There was an old jurist named Hughes 
Who said, "It is ti-ue I have vughes. 

But your little game 

To draw out the same 
Won't work, and I firmly refughes !" 

We call him Dan Cupid, but we 
imagine most papas of the well known 
June brides think that Bill would be 
a more appropriate name. 

English minister has entered the 
aviation service. Just beginning to see 
why they call 'em sky pilots. 

Every young papa knows that there 
are times when a trunk strap is a 
stern necessity. 



Meditation. 
(By our Own Swan of Avon.) 
Goode friend, for Mike his love for- 
beare 
To knock ye stuffe that's printed 
heare ; 
Blest be ye manne that reades this 
junke, 
And curst be he who says it's punke. 

A justice whose surname was Hughes 
Used to dream on the bench in a 
snooze 
How by silence he might 
Reach the House that is White 
But he reckoned without the Bull 
Mooze. 

Art is long, but most artists we 
know are pretty short. 

Our Funny Language. 
When we say that the disputants 
had high words, everybody under- 
stands, of course, that they were low 
words. 

A Chicago woman wants a divorce 
because her husband has not spoken 
to her for a year. We suppose this 
patriot has a little courtesy about him 
and did not want to interrupt her. 

T. R. is our idea of a dramatic 
critic. 

Whatdye mean, "As happy as a 

king?" 

Holland's literally ready to fight to 
the last ditch. 

An honest man may be the noblest 
work of God, but a pretty girl is a 
mighty close second. 

Some Famous Pots. 
Ink 

Flesh 



Melting- 
Jack 



-Licker 

-Luck 

-Boiler. 



Maybe the British call it the "cat 
squadron" because it keeps the Ger- 
man fleet mewed up. 



162 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Rome 'Noted Irons. 
Grid 
Shooting 
Waffle 
Mid 
Flat. 

Britain's ban on musical instru- 
ments shows that she doesn't intend 
to make any peace overtures. 

Spring. 
Spring's on the way, 

Arise to greet 'er; 
Last night we heard 

A darned mosquito. 

— Macon Telegraph. 
Spring's on the way, 

All chic and cheery; 
Our wife is talking 

Millinery. 

— AValton (Ga.) Tribune. 
Spring's on the way, 

With lenthening stride; 
We hear 'em say 

"Slide, bonehead, slide!" 

Although it costs $6 to bathe a Sen- 
ator in one of the bathrooms of the 
Senatorial Office building, the more 
expensive process of skinning a Sen- 
ator is frequently advisable. 

The Charlotte Chronicle publishes 
an enormous cut of Andrew Jackson 
on its first page. Despite the ravages 
of time, the General looks remarkably 
well and vigorous, and we have no 
hesitation in predicting that should 
the brave fight which North Carolina 
is making for his nomination be 
guerdoned with a triumphal coronal 
at Baltimore, the General will be a 
most formidable candidate. After 
Woodrow Wilson, we are for Andy. 

The Ten Most Dispensable Writers. 
Arnold Bennett. 
Thomas Dixon, Jr. 
Elinor Glyn. 
Cale Young Rice. 
Bernard Shaw, 
Arthur Brisbane. 
Frederick A. Cook. 
Dr. Parkhurst. 
Charles Edward Russell. 
Lincoln Steffens. 



"Stone walls do not a prison make." 
So sang the bard to his soul's queen ; 
But you had best for your own sake, 
Not mention it to Emmeline. 

The wedding invitation says "your 
presence is requested." But every- 
body understands pretty well that it 
means, "your presents are requested." 

Some Well-known Bugs. 
June. 
Lady. 
Red. 
Bed. 
Lightning. 

We don't suppose anything more de- 
lights a sister who has been operated 
on than to talk it over at great length 
with another sister who has had the 
same kind of operation. 

GeVs Our Angora. 
We'd love to biff 

That sissy he 
Whose strongest oath 

Is "Mercy me !" 

The esteemed Fatherland is a paper 
of discrimination. For instance, when 
it wishes an article on "Why Ger- 
many Sends Beer to the Front," it 
secures no less an authority than Dr. 
Stein to write it. 

"Americans," proclaims the Colonel, 
"should be able to hold their heads 
high." Theodore, they are plenty able 
to hold their heads high right now, 
but as long as skirts are in the pres- 
ent fashion, they air not a-gwine to 
do no such a thing, as our Tarheel 
friends would put it. 

Germany must be greatly amazed 
to know that Wilson was a professor 

of history, and not of belles lettres. 

• • • 

Is Berlin's silence golden or guilt? 

Well, you'd naturally look for a 
squeal from a pork barrel. 

Beauty, of course, is an asset. But 
the girls who have greenbacks don't 
have to worry over not having pink 
faces. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



163 



A Postoffice Romance, in Five Reels. 
Friendship, N. Y. 
Love, Va. 
Kissimmee, Fla. 
Ring, Ark. 
Parson, Ky. 

We imagine that Prof. Garner, who 
has gone to Africa to investigate the 
monkey language, never heard a six- 
months-old baby and its young 
mother and mother's mother goo-goo- 

ing and cluck-clucking at one another. 

• * » 

Fore ! 
Green, Ky. 
Bunker, Mo. 
Driver, Ark. 
Irons, Mich. 
Caddie, W. Va. 
Hazard, Neb. 
Golf, 111. 

Epitaph. 
Beneath this stone lies Gabriel Reave 

In his last resting place. 
They looked into the poor boob's sleeve 

And found an extra ace. 

If you see it in The Sun, it's sore. 

The wages of gin is headache. 

"An Austrian army awfully atraid" ! 

If you have any Scotch kinfolks we 
suppose you know what a close rela- 
tive is. 

Friend Al Stuff. 
Charleston culchaw, as exemplified 
in the advertising columns of the illus- 
trious Evening Post : "Women every- 
where knows that their figure is 
dependent entirely upon their cor- 
set. ..." 

We men have a lot of fun saying 
sarcastic things about the women, and 
we think it is Smart and Cynical, but 
you may have noticed that when a 
man is sick or in trouble, he doesn't 
go and hide his head in another man's 
lap to pour out his woes. 

Joseph H. Choate says the Colonel 
is "found wanting." And wanting 
mighty bad, too, Joe. 



The old-fashioned boy who used to 
save up his Octagon soap wrappers to 
get a parlor rifle now has a son who 
saves his cigarette coupons to get a 
wrist watch. 

Why College Professors Are Driven to 
Per liny. 

"Joan of Arc was the wife of Noah." 

"Tobacco was introduced into Eng- 
land by Henry Clay." 

"Romulus and Remus were a 
couple of Siamese twins who made 
Rome howl." 

"Fratricide is a fiend who murders 
a college student. Insecticide is a man 
who kills his aunt." 

"The Nihilists are the people of the 
Nile country." 

"Sodom and Gomorrah are the two 
Hebrew children who were burned in 
the fiery furnace." 

"A misanthrope is a man who mar- 
ries his own wife." 

"The Treaty of Ghent was so called 
because every man bought his own 

drink." 

• • « 

"Speaking of operas," remarks a 
contemporary, "what did William 
Tell?" Something funny, evidently, 
for it made Lohengrin. — Boston Trans- 
cript. 

Gotterdammerung ! 

We can stand almost any kind of 
men. But it doesn't take a phrenolo- 
gist to catalogue the mutt who won't 
look you in the eye and who gives you 
a limp, flabby hand to shake. 

We have lamped at least one teacher 
of the female persuasion for whom we 
would be willing to chuck this busi- 
ness, princely salary and all, and go 
back to school. 

Those Irish rebels evidently wanted 
to change their emblem from the 
shamrock to the sweet william. 

Why is It, anyway, that the things 
we like to eat are Not Good for Us, 
and the eats we loathe are Healthy 
and Wholesome? 



uu 



POEMS A .V/> /M AM (ih\[ PHS 



lUill n\(>osors soimu to h;ivo ;ib:m- 
doiUHi "Onwanl, Obristian SoUliors" 
for "Blost bo tho tio that bimls." 

"RoosovoU (.-alls Uarnos PtMiuHraoy's 
groatost assot." Oomo, ooiuo. sir; you 
forsjet yoursolf. 

Tbort^'s a wholo lot of ililToroiuo bi^ 
twoon upholdiu;; tho rrosidout and 
boldius: him up. 

It doos siHMu paradoxioal. lUit 
wlitMi a woman has lurvos wo always 
want luM' 'round. 

Somo mon's partiiular t'rionds are 
ovidontly uot vory particular. 

Wo supposo tho firm namo of Kryan 
and tho poaoo dovo would bo Hill vS; 
Coo. 

Somo Kopublioan ]>ai>ors monkoy 
with a bn/.z saw and othors s;ot i:ay 
with tho Now York World. 

A bra/.ou grab, as wo understand it. 
Is an appropriation bill that tho othor 
party passes. 

I.ausxb, and tho world lauixhs with 
you, though it must bo admittod that 
tlio prohibition sootion of it would 
much prof or a smlU\ 

"Roosovolt Cool in Dofoat."— lload- 
lino. Vory oool in thoni, indood. 

Gon. Snnits oucht to bo srood for 
worlv in tho Dark Continont. 

Oormany soon\s to bo havina: bottor 
luck usini: poison sras than Thoodoro. 

What lias booomo of tho old-fash- 
loutHl srirl who ustni to woar hor dross 

down to hor shoo-tops? 

* tt * 

Whon you start lookins; for somo 
politicians' footprints on tho sands of 
time, stoor for tho nuidholos first. 

If those Turks in Mesopotamia still 
have their in-ayor-rucs. this is tho 
riixht time to use 'em. 

From all indications, the Colsiate- 
Williams s^ame will be quite a brush. 
A roiiiilar rubborset-to. as it wore. 



'I'ho Hritisli claim it was a drawn 
battle, though so far wo haven't soon 
even a jihotouraph o( it. 

A chip in tho pot is worth two on 
tho shoulder. 

Great trouble about the Knujlish 
channel seems to bo that it isn't. 

Tho Koosovolts mnrmnr. but the 
Wilsons are dumb. 

The C>ld i;uard: "(,')ur kiuiidom for 
a dark horse!" 

Whenever John I>ull tries to put his 
best foot forward, tho most conspicu- 
ous thinirs seem to bo the spats. 

Yoii Kiinir Ilim. 
lie took a most bloodthirsty stand 

A year aL:<i ; 
He s.Mid we must wade ri,i:;ht in and 

1-iek Mexico, 
l^ut now our V(dunteers have ,i:ot 

Their khaki on. 
Wo vainly seek this patriot — 

Where has he jrono"? 

T. K.. with all thy faults, wo love 
thee still! 

* » • 

I\v the side of Old Whiskeranza. a 
Missouri nmle shines as a paraixon of 

wisdom and sweet reasonableness. 

« « • 

rershins: is a srood srenoral. but Villa 
has biui beat a mile. 

'I'hey call it loiial tender, but jxettins; 
it is certainly tous^h enou.^h. 

If it will reassure tho fair damsel 
with the horizontal plume who sat in 
front of us at the movie on Saturday 
we take pleasure in tostifyin;: that it 
taster! tine. 

"Of what use are kinsis?" demands a 
Kontuiky orator. Well, they are ixroat 
little openers, for one thins;. 

Somebody is writinir on "TTonry VIII 
as a SJiiiiblor." and now we think of 
it we do seem to remember that he 
held some queens. 

The Old Guard certainly knows how 
to do thinixs to a T. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



105 



We Hee by the psiF'fira that Enver 
Pasha, who was assaH.sinatefl last 
Tuesday and Thursday, Las returned 
to Constantinople. 

The HUK^estion that the Hef-ond-story 
sidewalks be built in Boston in order 
to relieve tiie crowded condition of the 
thorou^^hfares implies that more of the 
Bostonians iiave their feet on the 
ground than has been supposed. 

The Psalmist said in his haste that 

all men are El Paso correspondents. 

• * * 

John Bull does have his troubles, 
what witli casements and drafts. 

« « • 

John Bull still seems to be paying 
more attention to our letters than to 
our notes. 

Fiske tires. 

• • « 

Villa was once a carpenter, but now 

he can't even make a stand. 

♦ » * 

The American government, we take 
it, is divided between four houses : 
White, upper, lower and Colonel. 

Amato and Paderewski booked for a 
Sing Sing concert somehow reminds us 
of the stars and stripes. 

Somehow, Germany at Verdun 
always reminds us of Brer Rabbit and 
the tar baby. 

Our cat and the neighbors' cats seem 
to have Higne<l one of those agreements 

not to make a separate peace. 

« • • 

If that's the "cream of Germany's 
army" before Verdun, it begins to look 
like whipped cream. 

What has always puzzled us, though, 
is how the fool and his money hap- 
pened to get together in the first place. 

• • • 

"Is hell a reality?" asks the Mem- 
phis Commercial Appeal. No man who 
ever bucked four nines with an ace- 
full would ask a foolish question like 

that. 

« » • 

France's new ban on the importa- 
tion of undressed skins certainly will 
be tough on the Russian ballet. 



Old Whiskeranza has plenty of 
troops and guns, but our observation is 
that he prefers to employ the favorite 
weapon of the late Gen. Samson of the 
Israelite Army. 

Famouff Gardcnn of History. 
The hanging. 
Eden. 
Of Ailah. 
Madison Square. 

Mary. 

* * * 

The merry month of May 

Will give way 

Pretty soon 
To the Marry month of June I 

Things are bad enough, Lord knows, 
But yet they might be worse — 

For The<xlore, instead of prose, 
Might say it in blank-verse. 

Why? 
The deck is so full of a number of 

kings, 
Why is it you never can catch the darn 

things? 

* • • 

Luke McLuke certainly hits the 
cow's husband's optic when he says 
that the reason a girl is called a belle 
is because you never discover that she 
has a tongue until after you give her a 
ring. 

Houndx PlauHible. 
("From the Knoxville Journal and 
Tribune.) 
Miss Mary E. Bell, as her given 
name shows, is a won)an. 

In Kentucky we wot of a Colonel 
Whose juleps are more than diurnal; 

When he thinks of T. R. 

With his fist bangs the bar. 

Using language that's simply infernal. 

« * * 

"Give a woman a man's chance," is 
the new suflf slogan, but Dr. Mary 
Walker will have none of it. "Give 
a woman," thunders the good doctor, 

"give a woman a man's pants!" 

* * « 

Oh, for some worms, 
A slender pole, 

And that old drow- 
sy fishin' hole 1 



166 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



"The story of the death of Napoleon, 
published on yesterday's editorial 
page, should have been credited to the 
Kansas City Star." — Houston Post. 
Nothing like exactness in these mat- 
ters of thrilling current interest. 
* * * 

"The time has come, the Penrose 
said, to talk of many things." — Balti- 
more Sun. 

"Of cabbages and Standard Oil." — 
Cincinnati Enquirer. 

And whether Perk has wings. 

When August sees a fall of snow, 
And naphtha quenches fire, 

A President of Mexico 
Of old age will expire. 

A lass who was kissed in Missouri 
Asked for damages large from a jouri ; 
But it gave this mad miss 
Just four bits for the kiss. 
And she quitted the place in a fouri ! 

Jonah was entering the whale. 

"We all get down in the mouth 
sometimes," he explained. 

Hereupon we hailed him as the 
Champion Optimist. 

America's biggest crop of dates is 
grown on its family trees. 



Judd 
climate : 



Lewis's idea of Houston's 



"Not 
Hot." 
Which naturally elicits the obvious 
What 

Rot! 

« « « 

Hints of jackpots in a story 
Told in deep potation, 

Make a little Senatori- 
al investigation. 

Ah, would we were a big league star. 
To pick a curve and lace it 

Out where the dappled meadows are. 
While weary fielders chase it! 

There is a young lady in Del. 
Who clothes her fair form, as you're 
wel. 

In trousers and spats. 

And masculine hats. 
Now what in the can a fel.? 



The chestnut crop is short in Maine, 
This saddening news one gleans ; 

But it is pretty healthy in 
The comic magazines. 

All of which reminds us of 
The conceited old codger of Perth 
Who slipped from his high upper- 
berth, 
And woke screams of glee ; 
But he said, said he, 
"I certainly see no cause for mirth!" 

Friend wife has gone vacationing. 

Taking all her grips; 
Now through the house Pa's friends 
carouse. 

And rattle poker chips. 

Far be it from an humble para- 
grapher to criticize so blazing and 
coruscating a literary luminary as 
Hon. Irvin Cobb, but somehow his 
announcement that "It is the very 
flower of the manhood of Europe that 
is being chewed up in the merciless 
mill of war" doesn't look just exactly 
right. 

The experience of that Ohio dame, 
aged 101, who complains that no one 
ever kissed her, is sad, but by no 
means unique in the annals of oscu- 
lation. 

"Ere they hewed the Sphinx's visage 
Favoritism governed kissage. 
Even as it does in this age. " 

May we commend a line or two of 
Browning to the firm of Hohenzollern 
& von Tirpitz? 
"Go practice if you please 
With men and women ; leave a child 
alone 

For Christ's particular love's sake!" 

At that, we are not neutral enough 
to refrain from giving three cheers for 
brave old France at fairly frequent 
intervals. 

A Milwaukee paper praises the pass- 
ing of Congress. Any sort of bier looks 
good to Milwaukee. 

The Germans are again pushing 
toward the Vistula. Sort of Riverside 
Drive, so to speak. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



167 



The Colonel's flown 

Up in a rage 
They've hurled him from 

That dear front page. 

"The deck is so full of a number of 

kings 
Why is it so hard to draw three of the 

things?" — Detroit Free Press. 
And when you draw three, by Dame 

Fortune's good graces, 
Why is it the other chap always 

draws aces? 

That Louvain professor who will 
lecture at Harvard on mathematics 
ought to be an authority on trigger- 
nometry. 

New York man who has divorced his 
fourth wife would have made a miser- 
able cobbler — he never sticks to his 
last. 

Cost of removing Panama slides 
gives "dirt-cheap" a decidedly ironical 

twist. 

* * * 

When a fat woman is rich, she isn't 

fat. She has a Becoming Embonpoint. 

« * « 

Billy Sunday, it seems moves some 
to tears and others to quit getting on 
'em. 

The Dardanelles must be one of those 
inside straits we hear so much about. 

The dear Colonel is as shrinkiugly 
modest as ever. His epistle to the 
American Legion authorities begins, 
"I and my four sons." 

We are as charitable to our fellow 
man as most people. But the lad who 
boasts that he hasn't an enemy in the 
world gives us a pain. 

Now that Germany has shown her 
hand. Uncle Sam may show his fist. 

Another one of those pathetic little 
features of every day life is the rapid- 
ity with which a paragrapher's esteem, 
almost affection, in fact, for a prom- 
inent periodical that used to quote him 
pretty regularly but quit, can change 
to withering contempt. 



"The London Sketch has always been 
lenient to us," somebdy joyou.sly in- 
forms the New York Tribune. What 
a load this takes off off our minds ! 
Suppose — oh, horrible thought — that 
the London Sketch had not always 

been lenient to us I 

* * * 

Seems highly appropriate that Brit- 
ain's new method of catching sub- 
marines with nets was suggested by 

Lord Fisher. 

• « « 

In time of peace, prepare for jaw. 

Add Famous Jacks: 
Four. 

"It is only 3,600 miles to New 
York!" shouts a jingo Munich editor, 
evidently forgetting in his excitement 
that it is also just 3,600 miles to 
Munich. 

Some men are born optimists, and 
others try to sell digestion tablets in 

Mexico. 

« » » 

Unimportant, if true: Hon. Tona 
Marshall says he is also behind the 

President. 

» * * 

A lot of men get the idea that they 
are breezy when they are merely 

windy. 

» » • 

The French advance by the yard, 
but those Russians seem to rely most 
on two feet. 

Speaking of the hyphenates, we 
wonder how England would have got 
along without Lloyd-George. 



Washington's revision ; 
not yet begun to write." 



"We have 



You don't have to be any prodigal 

son these days to see a fatted calf. 

» » ♦ 

If the war keeps up much longer, 
Wall Street will get to be known as 

Easy Street. 

« « « 

Add Life's-Little-Tragedies : 
The skater wanted to find if the Ice 
was thin. 
It was. 



168 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Two heads may be better than one, 
as the proverb assures us, but you 
can't make an old soak believe it. 

Even the most staid and respectable 
husband likes for his wife to think he 
is a devil among the women. 

Motto of the German submarine : 
"Women and children first." 

Lloyd-George appears to be the 
water-wagon's tongue. 

"Will T. R. go back?" many Pro- 
gressives ask. But the important 
question is, "Will T. R. come back?" 

"I am thinking of the country," says 
the Colonel. Not, we trust, what he 
thought of it three years ago. 

When Mr. Bryan wants money he 
speaks for it. 

Our own idea of a safety raiser is 
an ace in the hole. 

Christmas is a time when dough is 
kneaded most. 

If a Democrat says it, it's an epi- 
gram ; if a Republican, a platitude. 

Greece is all in a ferment, but it is 
thought that she will be unable to take 
any active steps at present, the soldiers 
not yet having received those funny 
little petticoats from the laundry. 

The freshmen are meek and humble 
enough now. But in four years they'll 
be strutting around telling everybody 
how to run their business. 

It's the White Slav peril that agi- 
tates Turkey. 

"Austrians Retire Before Russians." 
— New York Times. We trust that 
they pulled down the shades. 

If there is anything in a name, here 
are some folks who ought to be happy : 
Cornelius Bliss, Maria Gay. Samuel 
G. Blythe, Henry B. Joy, Merry del 
Val. 

The Navy's Edison record should 
insure a victor record. 



With fancies fraught 
Are dreamland's halls; 

Last night we thought 
We caught four balls. 

Well, it certainly begins to look as 
if peace may break out in Mexico 
almost any minute now. 

To make a long story short — the 
city editor. 

When a girl goes down town without 
dolling up before the mirror for half- 
an-hour, her mother knows there is 
something wrong with her and that 
she ought to see the doctor at once. 

The paths of glory lead but to the 
front page. 

Composing rooms — bedchambers. 

Merchantmen may constitute one of 
the arteries of commerce, but some- 
times they are blood vessels. 

In the spring the German's fancy 
lightly turns to thoughts of bombs. 

General Chao has fallen in Mexico, 
but general chaos is still right there. 

What von Hiudenburg has just done, 
Hannibal, Napoleon and Lee did time 
and again, but numbers told in the 
end. Crushing an army isn't crushing 
a nation. 

"Gut morgen. Kaiser ! Can we use a 
little of your ocean today, please sir?" 

"England," says the New York 
Evening Sun, "needs a Lincoln." Neb.? 

It may take nine tailors to make a 
man, but it needs only one to break 

him. 

* * ♦ 

Well, it took Constantinople to get 
those Petrograd war yarns worsted. 

Perhaps our army and navy will be 
larger when our Congressmen are. 

"Sweden to Paint Ships," goes a 
headline. Neutral colors, of course. 

Horse-sense shuns the spur of the 
moment. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



169 



There have been mighty few Presi- 
dents that have had a chance to make 
history as well as write It. 

It is indeed an inspiring thought 
that one hundred million Americans 
are solidly behind the President. "Ein 
Ton" — our German musical friends 
will get the idea. 

Switzerland received with great 
relief the Kaiser's promise to respect 
its neutrality, and at once rushed 200,- 
000 men to the border. 

"We suppose this new German gas 
is measured by a kill-a-meter," says 
the Boston Transcript. Either that, 
no doubt, or a sceut-a-meter. 

That British threat to the Porte 
must have made those Kurds more 

sour than ever. 

« « « 

Gabrielle d'Annunzio announces that 
his greatest ambition is to die singing 
of Italy. What this great patriot needs 
is a bromo-seltzer and a large wet 
towel around his massive brow. 

Mr. Bryan says visitors to Mexico 

take risks. Aye, grave risks. 

* * * 

Japan appears to forget that China 
ought to be handled with care. 

It's a pity those noo metres Berlin 
has just captured aren't war poetry. 

A war zone seems to be something 

that cautious skippers should skip. 

* * * 

The Kaiser refuses to revoke that 
order. He will continue to hold his 
zone. 

In other words. Uncle Sam doesn't 

believe that all is fair in love and war. 

« * « 

We wish there were some way for 
the entire populations of the North 
and the South to swap locations for 
a week or two. What fun we'd have 
up North watching the poor old Yanks 
handle the negro problem ! 

We are such an abominable ethicist 
that we just can't see where whole- 
sale murder is wholesale glory. 



It will take more parlor magic than 
Wilhelm has in stock to make the 
eagle quail. 

Once Cap'n Hobson nearly closed 
the mouth of Santiago harbor. Why 
doesn't he make the same trial with 
his own? 

Oft in the stilly night, certain back 
fence melodies convince us that old 
Noah made a grave mistake when he 
let more than one cat in the ark. 

Useless Noises. 
Henry A. Wi.se Wood. 
The Providence Journal. 
Cap'n Hobson. 
Tom Watson. 
'Gus Gardner. 
Bro. Hearst. 
Mme. Schwimmer. 
The Fatherland. 
Theodore. 

We suppose that on the very day 
Gabriel blows his trumpet, some Bos- 
ton paper will contain a long patron- 
izing editorial of advice to the South 
on how to treat the negro. 

The height of sarcasm is probably 
reached in a barber's opinion of a 
safety razor, but a street railway 
president's comments on the jitney bus 
are a tolerably good second. 

A maharajah presents England with 
$100,000. That's the kind of Indian 

giver John Bull likes. 

» « ♦ 

Senator Vardaman learns with in- 
difference that the Black Watch has 
been decimated, as he never had a 
bit of use for those colored troops. 

That English clergyman who got a 
commission and joined the army is no 
doubt a warrior, but he is not likely 
to be much of a success at interro- 
gating prisoners, as probably he'd open 
the conversation in his absentminded 
way with : "What is your name — N 
or M?" 

We are willing to bet something that 
London's new company of lawyers will 
charge well. 



170 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



It must be so, as Prof. Van Leyden 
says, tbat Germans are the salt of the 
earth, for they all unanimously admit 

it themselves. 

« # • 

Judge Elbert H. Gary says our 
prosperity needs nursing, and the pro- 
hibition idea appears to be that it must 

be dry nursing. 

• • • 

You can't tell the after-dinner ora- 
tor who has his "impromptu" speech 
memorized three weeks in advance 

anything about preparedness. 

• * « 

Some women are born beautiful, 
others achieve beauty, and still others 
are on good terms with the society 

editors. 

• * • 

Watchful waiting may have its 
faults, but you may have noticed that 
it doesn't make many widows and 
orphans. 

There's one comforting thing about 
J. Barleycorn's departure, and that is 
that his old side-kick, R. E. Morse, is 

leaving with him. 

« * • 

Hans Wagner was excused from jury 
duty the other day, doubtless on base- 
ball grounds. 

• • • 

Some of the old maid suffs, how- 
ever, don't want a vote half as badly 

as they want a voter. 

« « • 

"Kaiser to Go to Heligoland." John 
Bull moves to amend by striking out 

the last three syllables. 

• • • 

Life isn't all holding four aces. 
When Old Sister Fate deals you a king, 
a tenspot, a trey and a couple of miser- 
able deuces, grin and draw three cards. 
You never know what you'll come up 
with. 

A friend in need is apt to keep you 

broke. 

• • • 

The price of flour's going up 

We notice with a sigh ; 
But little cares the printer, for 

He knows where there's some pi. 

Our prohibition friends really ought 
to look into this matter of tight money. 



Some men are born heroes, and 
others tip the dining-car waiter a 

dime. 

• * • 

Sarcastic comments on the German 
sense of humor are likely to be revived, 
now that a Berlin paper solemnly calls 

Bryan a "sabre-rattler." 

• • • 

War may not come to this country. 
Heaven forbid. But if it does come 
and Uncle Sam is to have an allj% may 
we live to see the day when a great 
gray American battle squadron crashes 
thundering into action beside our 

blood-brethren of the Lion Flag ! 

• * « 

We see by the North sea cables that 
cotton is still going down. 

It's hard to say offhand whether 
that new woman's daily will go in 

stronger for make-up or padding. 

« « * 

King Albert's experiences certainly 
have put a lot of grim humor in the 

expression, "treated like royalty." 

« * * 

The only sphere of influence this 
country cares for is the one with the 

horsehide cover. 

• • • 

It must be admitted that if Britain 
makes all food contraband, it'll go 

against the grain. 

« • « 

And once more an Austrian army 
awfully arrayed boldly by battery bom- 
bards Belgrade. 

Turkey must fervently wish now 
that she had given the goose step the 
side-step. 

Appropriately enough the Bight of 
Heligoland is where Germany shows 
her teeth. 

Baltimore reports the decease of a 
Pullman porter there. Death loves a 

shining mark. 

• * » 

Russia must think there is a lot of 
fake in the old adage that there is 

safety in numbers. 

« » ♦ 

Possibly you have also noticed that 
mint beds often furnish three sheets 
in the wind. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



171 



"Colonel Roosevelt." says the An- 
derson Mail, "is still in the flesh." 
Well, he can't be any too still in it 
to suit us. 

The Charleston News and Courier 
thinks it lucky that there were no 
submarines in Noah's day. We don't 
know. We have a kind of hunch that 
Colonel and Mrs. Noah and their at- 
tractive family would have escaped. 
And, oh, glorious thou.!j;ht ! the two 
ticks, two bedbugs, two flies, two fleas, 
two mosquitoes, two ants, two cats, 
two caterpillars and two wasps would 
almost surely have gone down to a 
watery grave. 

Some New Englanders are born 
simps and others try to write negro 
dialect stories. 

If thy hyphen offend thee, pluck it 
out. 

The estimable prohibitionists seem 
determined to make it read, "See 
America thirst." 

The Yankee artist who is painting 
the North Carolina mountains knew 
where to go for a study in still life. 

Judging from some of those Phila- 
delphia papers' funny colmns, news- 
paper row must be on Chestnut street. 

Germany can have a place in the 
sun. What poor old parched Russia 
wants is a place in the moonshine. 

Seems paradoxical, but Peru can't 
get a loan because she has so many 
close friends. 

Haiti's ex-President Theodore has 
gone abroad. No such luck here. 

The Dardanelles are the worst 
straits John Bull's fleet is ever likely 
to be in. 

There may be a shipping trust, but 
it isn't in the Germans. 

The old-fashioned woman who hated 
to see her name in the paper now has 
a daughter who keeps central busy 
connecting her with the society editor. 



Germany, which is besieged, wants 
England to allow food to come to her. 
But how much food did Bismarck and 
von Moltke allow to enter Paris when 
they besieged that city? 

Trust in Wilson and keep your neu- 
trality dry. 

That alleged great Russian defeat 
turns out to be a certified check. 

Those Sikhs that sawed their way 
out of a German prison must have 
used their Indian file. 

The Greek outlook is black there 
and blacking here. 

Those 36 indicted plumbers have 
discovered that violating the Sherman 
law with impunity is no lead pipe 
cinch. 

The unspeakable Turk can speak 

long enough to apologize, all right. 

* « » 

A fellow failing also makes us won- 
drous kind. 

Probably the most excruciating 
anguish a native of these parts can 
experience is hearing one of the grand 
old Yankees using a word with sev- 
eral "r's" in it. 

A lot of family skeletons are padded. 

The prohibition argument, if we an- 
alyze it correctly, is something like 
this : You can't get ahead if you get a 
head. 

Somebody is talking about Mexico's 
national debt. It appears to us that 
Mexico's national debt is to Woodrow 
Wilson. 

Every now and then you strike up 
with a man who has almost as much 
sense as you have. 



Man's inhumanity to man 
countless thousands of extras. 



makes 



This will be a grand old world when 
some of the sisters quit worrying about 
their waist-line and devote a little 
more attention to the wash-line. 



17: 



POEMS AXD PARAGRAPHS 



The tinostiou is 
Amerionnism ;is 
Amerii'iinism. 



not so nuuh Pau- 
IKiiuiini: (.Jorman- 



Tlie luixirost souse we have in mind 

Is I'hotojrrapher Stow, 
And when you want him. you will tiud 

lllni in his steweiiio. 



A study iu soarlet- 
miralty's hands. 



-the German Ad- 



Whom the jrods would destroy they 
first make kultured. 

If the Texas eilitor who used to 
shoot his subscribers in the leg to 
remind them of their luipaid subscrip- 
tions is still living and at leisure, there 
is a job for him iu this ottice. 

"Portuguese rebels plan to assault 
capital," but they have nothing iu that 
respect on lion. Frank P. Walsh. 

A camel can go eight days without a 
drink, but. as the Spartanburg Journal 
would say. who wants to be a camel? 



Russia calls 
"pronounctxl." 
than we can do 



the Przasnsz victory 
Which is far move 



However. George knew that Martha 
Washington had a will of her own long 
before Virginia. 

A Camden correspondent is mystilieil 
why the captain of the Etonian spoke 
of his ship as "she" and of a German 
submarine as "he." and puts it up to 
us. 0\ir only explanation is that the 
ship was painttHl and carrying powder; 
we have no thooi\v as to why he mascu- 
liutxl the submarine. Possibly for 
divers reasons. 

Australia presents her entire wool 
supply to the mother country. Another 

case of the Lion's shear, eh, what ? 

* * * 

The old-fashioneil woman who used 
to think that Mrs. E. D. E. X. etc.. 
Southworth was too immodest and 
suggestive now has a daughter who 
rings up the book store every day to 
ask if Mrs. Elinor Glyn's latest is out 
yet. 



Where there's a will, there a lawyer. 

Harry Lauder is going to the front to 
sing to the British soldiers, who also 
know how to make victor records. 

Old Nick, he must be rich, for I 
Have often heard folks say 

When their affairs have gone awry: 
"There'll be the devil to pay !" 

A peaceful man is our friend Wright; 

Not practiceil iu things gory ; 
Yet seated at his desk one night 

1 saw him kill a story. 

Ctntrt^s of Interest. 
White House — Cupid. 
Wall Street — Cupidity. 

There's one thing impresses 

I's as we get older : 
A chip in the pot is 

Worth two on the shoulder. 

If Colonel Roosevelt simply must 
quote the prophets, one would think a 
little sekvtion from Jonah would be 
more appropriate, that is. if Jonah was 
a prophet, which we are ashameil to 
say we are not at all sure of. 

There is a man iu our town who tills 

us with dismay : 
He buttonholes us tirmly. so that we 

can't get away 
And tells us all the so-calleil smart 

things that his kiddies say. 

The luckiest guy in all the land 

Is Mr. Simon Skvs ; 
For every time he draws his hand 

He always catches threes. 

Wall Street isn't eating the Aus- 
tralian beef, as it tinds native lamb 
highly satisfactory. 

Of course, the business otlice doesn't 
have the least intluentv over a paper's 
policy, but we never have seen a skinny 
girl whose pa is a big advertiser get 
any the worst of it in the social dope. 

We'll horn in with a message that 
might appeal to Bro. Carranza : 

"Take thee a shai'p knife, take thee 
a barber's razor, and cause it to pass 
upon thy head and upon thy beard. . ." 



ROBERT ELLIOTT (WNZALES 



173 



When uisxlit falls In the South 
Anierionu jungles, we suppose that the 
Colonel lijihts a tapir. 

Some people we know are so 
prudish that they even hate to realize 
tliat in a few weeks the limbs will be 
bare. 

In giving out "O Little Town of 
Bethlehem" to a hj'phenated congrega- 
tion, it is just as well to specify which 
Bethlehem. 

Next to the traditional molasses in 
January, probably the slowest thing in 
this old vale of tears is a woman get- 
ting off a street car. 

* ♦ # 

The printer is a sober man. 

He never takes a sup ; 
And yet he is an artisan 

Wlio likes to set "em up. 

— Cincinnati Enquirer. 
Tlie movie actor's sober, too. 

No booze to him appeals ; 
And yet it seems amazing you 

See him only in reels. 

By the way. do you remember the 
affrighted yelps the "small navy" Con- 
gressmen of the period let out wlien it 
was thought the Spanish fleet was 
coming over to bombard our coast 
towns ? 

Evolution of the bachelor, maga- 
zinely speaking : 

1 — Tlie Independent. 

2 — The Woman's Home Companion. 

Bernard Shaw boasts that he never 
has smoked, but unless Bernard gets 
religion it is by no means certain that 

he won't. 

» » * 

About all that's left now of the Bull 
Moosers seems to be the bull. 

Roosevelt wants to lead a division. 
Wasn't the one in 1012 enough? 

Many a man in this country who 
simply can't understand why the Rus- 
sians bow down and worship Czar Nick 
is one of the most abject slaves of Czar 
Nicotine. 



Another pathetic little feature of 
everyday life is the way when an editor 
states in general terms that crookwl- 
uess must be stampixi out, a dozen 
politicians heatedly write him at great 
length demanding tliat these personal- 
ities cease for once and all. 

Hew to the jackpot, let the chips fall 
where they may. 

You can't keep in the swim by drown- 
ing your sorrows. 

Goliath was hit by the pebble. 

"You miserable little runt !" he 
screamed. "I've a good mind to sever 
athletic relations with you. They say 
you playiHl two years with Nineveh 
college, anyhow, before Israel univer- 
sity got you." 

Another little phase of everyday life 
that might be anmsing if it were not 
so pathetic is tlie pious way some old 
skinllint wliose specialty is foreclosing 
widows' mortgages can act in church. 

"A London scientist says that angle- 
worms cause cancer. The lesson 
whereof is don't eat angleworms." — 
Richmond News-Leader. Exactly, al- 
ways remembering how bad the Diet 
of Worms was for Martin Luther. 

All the women are going to see Ger- 
aldine do Carmen this week because 
she is the better actress, and all the 
men are going to see Theda because 
they have an idea she will have on a 
good deal less than Geraldine. 

Add life's little tragedies: 
The man fed reil pepper to the ele- 
phant to see if it liked it. 
It didn't. 

Where is the old-fashioned old 
codger who used to gasp "God bless 
you!" when he sneezed? 

The President quotes from the Bible 
in support of preparedness, and we 
suppose the late Col. Abel could offer 
some feeling testimony on the subject. 

Still, you would naturally expect 
Greece to be slippery. 



174 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Mr. Bryan, as we uiulorstand it, is 
trying to make it 23 for Kzelviel, oo. 

"Marriaijo noar, kills himself." goes 
a headliue. Not kmxkins: the lady, of 

course. 

* • • 

If the bravest are the tenderest, the 
calf we diiuxl on yesterday was an 
arrant coward. 

We don't know who inventeil the 
submarine, but Jonah was the tirst to 
become familiar with one. 

The Armenian massacres have 
added a fresh siixniticance to the 
anagram 

KUL TUR 
TUR KEY 

Add Life's Little Tragedies: 
The paragrapher swiped something a 
brother paragrapher wrote, thinking 
maybe he wasn't reading the exchanges 
very closely. 
lie was. 

Russia has ordered a million shoes 
here. It is understoixl that von II in- 
denburg will furnish the lacing, as 
usual. 

What a magnificent baby-killer 
Herod might have been had he had a 
few submarines and Zei>pelins ! 

Our idea of a safety raiser is a fel- 
low who does it with four aces. 

* * » 

Of course, it Is merely a curious co- 
incidence that the hyphenatetl editors 
are all with Mr. Bryan in his stand 

for unprepareduess. 

* * * 

Hemming the Serbs and basting 
them are evidently two very different 
propositions. 

Accepting the theory that the mon- 
key is man's ancestor, one is incline<I 
to infer that woman, judging by the 
number and length of her hatpins, is a 

lineal descendant of the porcupine. 

« « * 

Once upon a time there was a poli- 
tician who made an especially con- 
spicuous ass of himself and didn't say 
the newspapers misquoted him. 



"The debt we owe to Britain's navy 
lan not be estimated." says an ex- 
change. It doesn't take long for 
American shipowners to estimate it. 

The ambition of that navy inventions 
board is, of course, to leave blueprints 
on the sands of time. 

Once upon a time there was a woman 
who was 3S years old and admitted 
that she was 3S years old. Hans 
Andersen and Grimm misseil a lot of 
good fairy tales. 

The unspeakable Turk can at least 
snicker. 

Why it is that when you manage to 
locate the keyhole about 3 g. m. — 

And open the door wituout much 
noise — 

And triumjihantly avoid all the sofas 
and chairs and tables — 

And just as you are about to tip-toe 
chuckingly up-stairs — 

The infernal cat always inserts her 
tail under your foot"/ 

"Sometimes I wish I were a horse," 
Groaned Weary Willie Keith; 

"For then I'd have, believe me. boss, 
A bit between my teeth." 

Japan has inaugurated the Era Tal- 
Sho, or Great Righteousness. Ger- 
many needs that kind of an era in Bel- 
gium. 

The Allies wouldn't mind King Con- 
stautine's keeping a cool head, but it's 
the coolness elsewhere that irritates 
them. 

Possibly Col. Bryan fears that any 
large army increase would mean the 
requisition of all the Chautauqua 

tents. 

Busy Sophie seems to be worth even 
more to Germany than "Busy Bertha." 

"It's hard to get ai'ound President 
Wilson," says May Irwin. Well, for 
that matter, it's no cinch to get around 
May. 

The Fordsters couldn't find the dove, 
but at least they had a lark. 



UOHKIW ELLIOTT aOXZALLS 



175 



A Arni'hiuo, as wo. with our UmlttHl 
politlrnl oxporitMuv, aimly/.o the cnso. 
Is tho oWwv sliio's orsanlzatiou. 

It bivoinos apparout tliat nouo of tho 
bollisuM-outs will ulvo up until thoy givo 
out ami uivo in. 

'riioiv oortaluly is irony in tlio faot 
that l.inooln. Nob.. Is nanitnl at'tor tho 
iiroatost war rrosidont. 

A sn>aill>oro man is jionorally the 
bijrst^t kind of l>ore. 

Most of those New Haven deals look 
to have been from the bottom of the 

deek. 

• • • 

It's not the hands aeross the sea 
Wall Street is eoneerm\l with as mueh 
as the palms. 

Kiui; CottiMi and Kiuj; Virtor have 
taken new his^h srround. 

Now tli.at Warden Osborne has ex- 
plaiutHl Sin?; Siuji's ins-and-outs. let's 
hear something about the down-and- 
outs. 

It's a mlsihty sorry Joke that ean't 
s:et a smile out of a iiirl who has pretty 
teeth. 

WluMi an .Vinerioan s^irl is enixasred to 
a foreign nobleman, she is his tlnanoee. 

Italy is likely to find that one war 
measure is a peek of trouble. 

However, the "unspeakable Turk" is 
pr<Uiably thinkinj: a few thinjis. 

.Tudirinsr by Oouirress. the nteat short- 
as:e doesn't extend to pork. 

A Salamanea. X. H. hotel advertises. 
*Vhoii.vst of Wives. Liquors and 
Cisrars." It's a l.l.w. to Salamanea, but 
our ventrieular organ is in that im- 
mediate vieinity. 

« « « 

Manufaeturers opera tins: in the 
^^aryland metropolis advertise their 
wares as ">[ade in Raltimore." The 
srenuine Kaltimore maid rtHpiires no 
advertisement, but passes anywhere at 
faee value. 



Count that day quot^r, whose low 
deseeiuling sun sees no new Austrian 
arnty on the run. 

rolm-ldent with the arrival of the 
eool w.'ive, we note that a iMassaehu- 
setts t'adet eorps was reviewed by (.lon- 
erals WtuHi and Ct»le. 

The average woman just ean't under- 
stand, when she gets i\\\ overdr.ift 
notiee. why it isn't perfeetly all right 
to write the b.udi a eluvk for the 
aniotuit. 

Still, the rain and wind had their 
ei>n\pensatli>ns. and several distin- 
guished and inspiring ankles, ete., 
greatly sootluni the diseontent of the 

unregenerate. 

• • • 

i>ne thing we like about administra- 
tion eireles is tliat they're square. 

Tlu>se Zeps don't api^ear to be eon- 
tent with giving l.oiulon tlie onet^over. 

The trouble about IMlly Suitday's 
giWng to New York is that he'd liave 
to learn Yiddish in order to make him- 
self understoinl. 

• • « 

like This. 
When paragraphei's pressivi for time 

NetHl one more stanza. 
They usually ean ring a rime 

On oUl ("arranza. 

Tlu>se on shopping bent often get 
broke. 

A woman is r:irely up to date on the 
subjivt of her age. 

We liad deeidtHl to bar out any fur- 
ther entries in the journalistie goat- 
getters' eontest. but on seeond tliought 
we simply have io raise the porti-ullia 
for "long-felt want" and "sea of m.atri- 
inony." 

A nuxiest ntan is Mr. .Tames: 

So modest that, by heek. 
He will not join in any games 

In whleh they strip the deek. 

'IMiere eertainly is irony in the fact 
that hungry Mexieo City oeeupies a 
table land. 



176 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Isn't there some way of making dear 
old Bill Taft President emeritus or 
something? 

If the North had protested as loudly 
against negro exclusion when those 
pious New England skippers first be- 
gan bringing 'era to this country as it 
is doing now, the late unpleasantness 
probably never would have occurred. 

The reason a girl can afford to put 
half a drug store on her face when she 
goes uptown is because she knows that 
since the short skirt came in the men 
will be too busy watching something 
else to notice it. 

There's one thing that 
We would not shirk : 

Viz., being smacked 
By Billie Burke. 

Luke McLuke points us in rime to 
the case of a young lady who liked to 
walk, although she had a fine car- 
riage. 

Consider, prithee, Luke, my son, 

The case of Halfback Loach: 
A fellow who prefers to run, 
Although he has a coach. 

Those Germans seem quite as adept 
at evasion as invasion. 

Wouldn't it be a glorious thing if 
the Christmas spirit could home in our 
hearts every day? 

Some men are such natural-born 
crooks that they invariably short- 
change their own minds. 

Of course Missouri girls are sweet. 
Aren't they Mo. lasses? 

The world is too much with us, as 
the poet said, and there are melan- 
choly moments when we suspect that 
The Sun and The American are, too. 

England's most dangei'ous militant, 

we take it, is Ann Archy. 

# # » 

The friends who are pushing Willis 
L. Moore for the Agricultural port- 
folio seem to think the new cabinet 
needs a little weather-boarding. 



The Iron Cross is responsible for 
many a wooden cross. 

We wouldn't mind the dog days so 
much if it weren't for the cat nights. 

The submarine is cigar-shaped, but 
it's the enemy ships that go up in 
smoke. 

Some German propagandists in Ire- 
land have ascertained that the "green 
isle" isn't. 

When a woman gets over 35 she is 
generally willing to embark on the sea 
of matrimony with almost any life- 
buoy. 

A plain-speaking hard-hitting Presi- 
dent always comes in for more roasts 
than toasts. 

Hammerstein will build an opera 
house, thus giving New York another 
Singer building. 

A face without a smile is like a pair 
of unpressed trousers. 

That mummy sold in New York the 
other day for $200 certainly fetched a 

stiff price. 

* * * 

Count Zeppelin was once a poor, ob- 
scure man, but now he moves in the 
highest circles. 

Before he gets her, he always calls 
her dear. And after tbsy get married, 
he finds out that she is. 

Another of life's little mysteries is 
the way a mouthful of pins never 
seems to interfere in the least with a 
woman's conversation. 

There is nobody like a barber for 
scraping acquaintances. 

The ill, the pill, and the bill are 
medicine's triple alliance. 

The only trouble about common 
sense is that it isn't common. 

T. R. certainly displayed a keen 
sense of humor when he picked the 
Pacific coast to make those bellicose 
speeches on. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



111 



The old-fashioned man who used to 
walk ten miles a day behind old Molly 
now has a son whose conception of 
hard work is walking ten miles a day 
around a pool-table. 

Money talks, but the American dol- 
lar is roaring. 

Jane Addams says the women must 
suffer in silence. We greatly fear Jane 
is nature-faking. 

Uncle Sam has certainly made Job 
look like a rank amateur. 

The Psalmist said in his haste that 
all men are Herr von Jagows. 

Berlin, we understand, uses ready- 
made cirgarettes, but Vienna rolls. 

Count that day queer, whose low, 
descending sun sees no new Russian 
army on the run. 

Woman's rights, as we understand 
them, consist of appropriating six of 
the bureau drawers for her wedding 
apparel, and apportioning the little 
one in the ujjper right hand corner to 
the poor old he-creature. 

Dan Emmett certainly must have 
foreseen the short skirt when he put 
all those "Look aways" in "Dixie." 

It takes all kinds of mutts to make a 
world, including the ones who inhale 
a few drinks and set out to settle the 
war. 

As we understand Germany's con- 
tention, the lion and the bear have 
made Belgium the goat. 

All Europe ablaze and only one tiny 
revolution in South America. Times 
have certainly changed ! 

Mr. Bryan, in serving grape juice, 
raised the question whether he is not 
more Welch than Irish. 



The suffragettes evidently want 
make it Womanhattan. 



to 



Germany to Wilhelm : "We who are 
about to diet, salute you !" 



L'Anglais as she is writ in Georgia : 
"Notice — Reports of cows being butch- 
ered in my field at night by unknown 
parties is absolutely wilful lies of some 
one. M. Waters, Brooklet, Ga."- — 
Statesboro News. 

Hereafter, only the six best spellers 
can come into this country. 

Still, those munitions plotters have 
no monopoly of magazine explosions — 
there's T. R. 

You can't burn the candle at both 
ends and keep it dark. 

A dog can't talk to tell you when he 
wants anything. But he can certainly 
cram a lot of eloquence in Old Colonel 
Tail. 

And what, too, has become of the 
old-fashioned humorist who used to 
drop a suspender button in the collec- 
tion plate? 

'Frisco asked to hear the Liberty 
Bell by telephone, and we see by the 
Philadelphia papers that the bell did 
as it was tolled. 

A German professor announces that 
Moses was a German, and we do seem 
to remember that he broke all the Ten 
Commandments. 

Carranza is now strong for the red, 
white and blue, unless they happen 
to be on a barber's pole. 

Chorus of Danbury Hatters: I did 
not build my house to pay a judgment. 

Any Mexican army could be accu- 
rately termed a general assembly. 

Must be admitted that General Haig 
is a good man for Dewar. 

The game of matrimony is like set- 
back — more fun without a widow. 

We suppose the precise brethren 
who insist on spelling it la grippe own 
hens which are afflicted with la pippe. 

Would it be all right to call the ad- 
vent of a child born on a New York 
elevated train an upper birth? 



178 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Kulturvultiire. 

The only way the average man can 
order his wife a ronnd is at the 
butcher's. 

Lloyds are now issuing a form of in- 
surance against appendicitis. At cut 
rates, we presume. 

Ambassadors Chinda of Japan and 
Dumha of Austria-Hungary seem to be 
the lingual poles of the diplomatic 

corps. 

« « * 

President Wilson favors a graduated 
income tax. Just can not get away 

from those college ideas. 

« * » 

We are rather surprised no Ken- 
tuckian is conspicuously mentioned for 
the consulship to Cork. 

Add Life's Little Tragedies : 
The mouse left the hole to see if 
Tabby had gone. 
She hadn't. 

A French courtmartial having ac- 
quitted Capt. Forget, let us hope that 
next time he won't. 

Watchful waiting won for William 

Waldorf. 

* * « 

Famous Charleses. 

Martel. 

—the Fat. 

Horse. 

Chaplin. 

It becomes painfully evident that 
old Don Wliiskeranza's New Year res- 
olutions didn't include one to have 
that hedge on his cheeks pruned. 

Looks as if Constantine is preparing 
to decorate the Allies with the in- 
signia of the Double-Cross. 

One of the most pathetic things 
about a colored band is the way it 
always seems to be flrmly convinced it 
is playing a tune. 

In the Hocking case. Britain, of 
course, is contending for the freedom 
of the seize. 



October — Bryan stumped Ohio. 
November — Ohio stumped Bryan. 



Man's inhumanity to man 
countless moving-pictures. 



makes 



Modern dramatic synonyms : Scene 

and obscene. 

• • « 

It will seem natural for many of our 
Greek reservists to be where the shells 

are thickest. 

« « » 

English shipowners must regard 
those submarines as revenue-cutters. 

Mrs. Carrie Chapman Catt, who is 
advising suffragettes to wear trousers, 
evidently pants for publicity. 

Mr. Frohman says the modern play 
is overdressed. The common variety, 
perhaps ; not the Garden variety. 

This is the nation of trusts, the one 
in Wilson being easily the most con- 
spicuous right now. 

Prince Buelow says he worked to 
"bring Italy and Austria together." 
Well, didn't iie do it? 

A man who doesn't gossip about 
other people may miss a lot of the 
spice of life. But he is never kept 
busy nursing a pair of black eyes. 

Isn't it wonderful the basting Tur- 
key can stand'? 

Dollar diplomacy begins to look like 
seventy cents less. 

In banishing White House intoxi- 
cants. Woodrow Wilson emerges as our 
leading drop-kicker. 

The Washington Star says that the 
Cabinet "works like Trojans." and it 
might have carried the simile further 
by saying that it gets its share of hec- 
toring. 

Don't blame it on Hard Luck. Elbow 
Grease never failed to put Flard 
Luck's shoulders to the mat. 

Alfred Noyes having confessed that 
his verse pays, would It be proper to 
call him the poet aureate of England? 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



179 



A woman is known by the confi- 
dences she keeps. 

"The Colonel," says the Memphis 
Commercial Appeal, "has his faults, 
but the peojile love him still." When 
was he ever? 

The primmest gent we e'er did meet 

Is Mr. Tiiomas Trlppe ; 
He blushes like the well known beet 

To see the bacon strip. 

It's funny, but it's the truth. The 
better-looking the girl is the homelier 
the dub she usually coi)s out to tie up 
with. 

"Mr. Schwab tells the story of 
Bethlehem," says a headline. Most 
people will still prefer the Biblical 
version. 

We don't know what nation has 
been stealing our naval secrets, but it's 
not Switzerland. 

"President sees May Irwin." He 
couldn't help it if May was within a 

couple of miles. 

« « * 

It can't be said of those fat Ger- 
man landsturmers that they have no 

stomach for a fight. 

» « * 

Those Turks are always pulling off 
some tactful little stunt to gain neu- 
tral good will. The latest one is test- 
ing high explosives on Mt. Calvary. 

Why don't some of these crafty Nor- 
wegian and SwcHlish skippers fool the 
subs, by running up the Swiss flag? 

Our friend Hardup dropped in today. 
Hence this here sad, sad thought : 

Although we've known that man so 
long. 
We've always known him short. 

There's no longer room for Caruso, 
For Krupp or even for Creusot; 
On the grand old front page, 
For the ladies would rage 
Unless we shelved all for the trousseau. 

Once upon a time a train ran over 
a cow which was not the best and 
most expensive Jersey in the State. 



Nothing is more pathetic than the 
way a man will try to look serenely 
unconscious when his garter comes 
down in mixed comi)nny. 

Hearsts rush in where Wilsons fear 

to tread. 

* • • 

Flying stones gather no stones for 
women. 

Impossible news item: Among the 
callers at the New York Sun wlitorial 

offices yesterday was Mr. W. J. Bryan. 

• • • 

"Small change In Russian Poland." 
Very little of it here, too. 

A peck of trouble is one thing that 
is mighty seldom short weight. 

Seems superfluous for Berlin to 
celebrate victories, as it's always been 

on a Spree. 

« « « 

To be quite up to date, Henry Van 
Dyke's publishers should issue an edi- 
tion de Luxemburg. 

« » « 

The French navy has also aban- 
doned starboard and larboard, but old 
sideboard is still there. 

Subscribers to Turkey's war loan 
can't complain that they haven't got a 
run for their money. 

If they could only persuade the 
cullud race that the celestial choir 
use<l banjos instead of harps, there 
wouldn't be a bad negro in this world. 

Somebody has observed that Uncle 
Joe Cannon's breeches bag at the knees, 
but we don't suppose that it is because 
of excessive addiction to prayer. 

There was once a very beautiful 
woman who had some brains. She 
was torpedoed by a snake in Egypt and 
expired, leaving darned few successors. 

For the land's sake — Preparedness. 

Here's your hat, Herr Boy-Ed! 
What's your hurry? 

The Allies have been reinforced in 
Servia by a division, which is an ad- 
dition. 



180 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



A billion-dollar conscress doesn't 
seem so bad when it's the Democrats 
who do the appropriating. 

There are any number of reasons 
why a girl's nose gets red. But there 
is only one reason a man's nose gets 
that way. 

The sun rose this morning. This is 
generally considerod another brilliant 
victttry for the Hearst papers. 

"You simply have to hand it to those 
German soldiers," says the Macon 
Telegraph. Brussels does, anyway. 

Woodrow, with all thy Byzantine 
logotheteness, we love thee still ! 

German plotters who are long on 
initiative will find Uncle Sam the 

same way on recall. 

* * * 

The old-fashioned woman who used 
to complain that she had nothing to 
wear knows that she will be one of the 

leaders of fashion tliis season. 

* * * 

Speaking of spare ribs, Adam was 
the first dealer. 

We suppose that newspapers run 
women's departments so that the 
belles may be told. 

"Success has turned many a man's 
head," observes the Boston Transcript. 
True enough. But it hasn't anything 
on the short skirt in that respect. 

Old Nick doesn't have half as much 
fun as people think. But it must have 
been a great old day for him when 
lingerie was invented. 

Political Lumhcr. 
One-term planks. 
Presidential timber. 
Tariff boards. 

Mrs. Tankhurst says that the mili- 
tant suffragettes will "leave no stone 
unturned." Doesn't she mean "un- 
thrown ?" 

If she does take the plunge, the 
Turkish ambition, of course, will be to 
knock the first syllable out of Hellas. 



Constantine certainly does things to 
the queen's taste. 

The small hours are responsible for 
many a large head. 

An undertaker is nearly always tem- 
perate, but he doesn't object to an 
occasional bier. 

"All Russia Behind Grand Duke's 
Back." — Headline. So are the Ger- 
mans. 

* * * 

There is nobody like a he-sissy who 
spends an hour and a half in a bar- 
bershop getting a shave, shine, singe, 
shampoo, hair-cut, witch-hazel steam 
and massage for snickering at the 
girls for standing an hour and a half 
dolling ui) in front of the mirror before 
they come down-town. 

Now that the season of good will is 
past, we can all get back gaily to our 
normal grouches, gossip, scandal-mon- 
ger ing, stickiug-our-noses-into-other- 
peo])le's-business, avarice, discourtesy, 
snobbishness, arrogance, conceit, cyni- 
cism, churlishness, irascibility, stingi- 
ness, rancour, selfishness and the rest 

of our pleasant little traits. 

« * « 

It must be a cheery bit of news to 
those Turkish classes that are so 
eagerly organizing to learn the Ger- 
man language that the Kaiser is suf- 
fering from a mild attack of zellge- 
webentzuendung. 

A Mellow Drama, in Three Reels. 
I. 
Sherry. 
Merry. 

II. 
Souse. 
House. 
III. 
Bed. 
Head. 

A woman who wears an evening 
dress that displays about five-sixths of 
her backbone always wonders what the 
world is coming to when girls can be 
so immodest as to wear a skirt that 
reveals a couple of inches of shin. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALEZ 



181 



President Wilson says that any one 
who scoffs at the Aduiinlstration's 
achievements is "talking through his 
hat." These academic terms puzzle us 
not a little, but we seem to get the 
idea. 

What is your notion of the pinnacle 
of bliss? Ours is being seated on some 
silver-sanded, moonlight-flooded Poly- 
nesian beach with our trusty pipe be- 
tween our teeth and six swizzles under 
our Manhattan, what time a bevy of 
languorous Hawaiian maidens finger 
their quaint guitars whose every note 
is a sob, and softly sing the yearning 
melody of "Aloha Oe." 

Of all glad words 

Of tongue or pen, 
The gladdest are these: 

"Old scout, say when." 

Epitaph. 
Here lies the clay 

Of Kaspar Kant. 
He worked in a 

Munitions plant. 

Woodrow will soon. 

The hit hyphen howls. 

At any rate, the careless compositor 
who referred to General Haig as a 
"bottle-scarred veteran" had the right 

idea. 

* * * 

There are about 8,705,333 varieties 
of Asses in this old vale of tears. And 
the leading candidate of the whole 
bunch for the Fool-killer is the poor 
boob who percolates around bragging 
what a Devil he is among the women. 

Bryan is the colonel of the Cali- 
fornia situation. 

Dr. Friedmann, it appears, has found 
the silver lining. 

Everybody to his taste, of course, 
but personally we never could see what 
fun a woman gets out of playing "One 
little pig went to market" with the 
baby's toes. 

The Birmingham Ledger says Car- 
ranza dearly loves a joke. The egoist! 



Another of the little weaknesses of 
human nature that mighty few of us 
are exempt from consists of wrapping 
the big bills on the outside of the roll. 

A woman calls it giving you a piece 
of her mind, but our experience has 
been that she generally winds up by 
giving you the whole dad-burned 
thing. 

English correspondent says there is 
plenty of gold in Constantinople. Evi- 
dently the Crescent is far from being 
down to its last quarter. 

Poor old human nature is a mighty 
funny thing, and some people still 
think that they can argue in print 
with an editor and get the best of it. 

Count Zeppelin is said to dislike so- 
ciety, but you may have noticed that 
he always sends his lady-killers on 
those English raids. 

It has just been discovered that one 
of Saturn's rings has become lopsided, 
and we expect any day to hear that 
Colonel Roosevelt is going around 
pointing out significantly that nothing 
like that ever happened in the good 
old high tariff times. 

One inestimable asset an exchange 
editor has is that whenever he needs a 
long editorial clipping he can always 
scissor it from the Springfield Republi- 
can, without reading a word, and be 
absolutely certain that it is all right. 

A Chicago girl specifies that her 
future husband "must not chew, smoke, 
drink, gamble, swear, play cards, dance, 
or object to washing the supper dishes ; 
must stay at home every night, live 
within his income, and be a devout 
Christian." Well, that kind of a girl 
certainly deserves that kind of a man 

Seems high time for this credulous 
nation to change its emblem from the 
eagle to the gull. 

"Cupid," says the Gi'eenville Pied- 
mont, "continues to be the world's lead- 
ing marksman." Wrong, old top. Isn't 
he all the time making Mrs.? 



182 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



China might compromise by offer- 
ing to do all of Japan's washing free 
of charge for a year. 

It means something to acquire a 
reputation in the Arctic for being as 
houest as the day is long. 

"International jaw" would seem to 
describe the situation much more con- 
cisely and accurately. 

The sins of the father may be visited 
on his children, but they take revenge 
by reminding him of them. 

"Only Two Corps Left" goes a head- 
line. Reminds us of the celebrated 
Eden apple incident. 

Revised spelling : Flinders, formerly, 
Flanders. 

Evidently no milk of human kind- 
ness in the Kurd. 

Dardanelles seem to need a bigger 
corkscrew. 

Lloyd-George's threats have doubt- 
less made pale ale paler than ever. 

« « « 

"Thaw will stick." He's a regular 
court plaster. 

The Sick Man of Europe is still 
complaining of severe shooting pains. 

Germans are less worried over the 
Kiel canal now than the alimentary. 

A little outrage now and then is 
relished by the German men. 

Whene'er we cross 

The bounding main. 
We'll do it in 

An aeroplane. 

Petrograd reports "consonant gains." 
That, at least, is credible news. 

One of our esteemed creditors was in 
our midst yesterday. He was cool and 
collected. 

The pessimist regards life as a 
lemon, but the optimist knows it's a 
Nabisco wafer. 



The Allies' polychrome army has 
given the phrase, "called to the colors" 
a fresh significance. 

We presume that now the well- 
known and .justly celebrated Sister 
Susie's Shipping Seeds to Serbia. 

Enver Bey has received the Iron 
Cross from the Kaiser. He got the 
double cross some time ago. 

Russia has banished the swallow, 
but it is not so easy to avoid the 
double-eagle. 

When a girl has a nifty pair of 
ankles, she can usually find an excuse 
to go shopping on a rainy day. 

Giving an Iron Cross to a Turkish 
general does better credit to WilheJm's 
generosity than to his tact. 

A good many family trees are shady. 

"Nabs Hold-up Trio." Glad to see 
somebody can catch threes. 

Vox Teddi; vox dei? 

The "war bride's" shower must be 
a golden one. 

Constantine's slogan seems to be 
"Greece at any price !" 

They that take the sword shall per- 
ish by the bomb, shrapnel, gas, mine, 
torpedo. 

Mr. Lansing's reported love of 
Dickens may explain his fondness for 
"American Notes." 

Speaking of commerce destroyers, 
there's La Follette. 

The war has been hard on the 
horses, but a mighty good thing for 
the Colts. 

Never mind, von Tirpitz ; you're still 
an easy hundred babies ahead of Count 
Zeppelin. 

The consensus of opinion appears to 
be that a bigger regular would be in 
the nature of a salvation army. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



183 



Londoners seem to be British sub- 
jects and German objects. 

The Czar must be an easy mark, 
judging by the number of bad checlis 
he has accepted. 

From Britain's viewpoint, Mesopo- 
tamia has the most uukindest Kut of 

all. 

# « » 

At the present rate, there isn't going 
to be much left of the earth for the 
meek to inherit. 

Mexico seems to be the outlaw and 
without law country. 

It seems that Montenegro had plenty 
of mountains, but not enough Krags. 

It is no use to feel important because 
somebody addresses you as "Colonel." 
The chances are that the man has for- 
gotten your name. 

Guatemala having refused to pay, 
England has sent the cruiser Aeolus to 
raise the wind. 

It is not good for man to be alone, 
but he will be if he has the price of 
only one drink. 

What this old world needs is more 
bouquets handed around to folks when 
they are alive and kicking. Flowers 
don't do a dead one much good. 

The Sunday fishermen and the war 
correspondents are not the only liars 
in this world. There is the politician 
lad who says the newspapers always 
misquote him. 

"British to comb sea for Moewe." 
Probably want a brush with her. 

Luke McLuke says the openwork 
waist is back. We must look into this 
matter. 

Bryan is in "Who's Who", but he'll 
never get into "Here's How !" 

The great trouble about the fellows 
whose only books are woman's looks 
is that they are seldom satisfied with 
a five-foot shelf. 



There appears to be a general sus- 
picion that Sayville has been saying 
too much. 

"Fear God and take your own part," 
urges the Colonel. Well, that is bet- 
ter than taking Colombia's part, for 
instance. 

All of the opposing lawyers in the 
divorce case of Ferdinand Hell vs. 
Bertha Hell can await the result with 
supreme equanimity. Win or lose, 
there will be Hell to pay. 

At any rate, the miserable he-crea- 
tures who contend that women are not 
the salt of the earth have sense enough 
to omit Lot's wife as an illustration 
of their arguments. 

"Wilson Says Country is Awake." — 
Headline. Our observation has been 
that the country is usually awake by 
4 a. m. and up milking the cows. 

Italy's idea of bloody warfare seems, 
to be sending the poet d'Annunzio irt 
an aeroplane every few days to drop: 
the fiercest imaginable odes and son- 
nets on the enemy. 

Famous Roses. 
Jack 
Four 
Randolph 
Niel Prim — 
Pen— 

Toicn Topics. 
Los Angeles — weather. 
New York — skating. 
Columbia — square meals. 
Charleston — prohibition. 
Pittsburgh — pig iron. 
Oyster Bay— ME. 
Augusta — Tom Watson. 
Boston — beans. 
Washington — pork barrel. 

Atlanta — hot air. 

* * * 

A wonderful Jane, so we must main- 
tain, 

Is Miss Sophonisba Hood, 
In her winter hat she's so pretty that 

She does not have to be good. 



184 



POKMS AXP PARA(?RAPnS 



A No\vi>ort Xows (.'oiTospinulont 
refers to "the broad mouth of the 
.lames." Why this eternal piekini; on 
DllieV 

.') J: qua Is I-ILr. 
(With apoloiiies to (.'artoonist (iriei;. » 
FaiKbanks. 
liiirKhi. 
KoOt. 
CumiuinS. 
llu-hi:s. 
Koose\ olt. 
WeEks. 
11 ad Ley. 
Taft. 

"What is the nttltmle of the South 
towards the Tresident's preparedness 
proirrauune?" asks the New York Eveu- 
1ns: Tost. Like the attitude of a para- 
grapher toward his pay enveloi>e, or 
that of a kitten toward a bowl of nulk. 
or that of a German toward a beaker 
of be»M'. If our lonteniporary desu'es 
any further examples, we are prepartxl 
to fm'uish 'em. 

■'There is a lot .u;<mii.u' on inside of 
me," says the Tresident. There is a 
lot going on inside of us. too. and next 
time we try to eombine dill piekles 
and sweet potato pie there'll be .i triik 
in it. 

Some Famous Horses. 
High. 
Dark. 
Charlie. 
Trojan. 
Hobby. 

It's to be hoi>ed the big guns those 
Freneli women are helping make will 
be as hard to silenee as they are. 

Quite in aeeordanee with the eternal 
fitness (^f things that Mr. Wilson 
deliver prepared speeches on that 
Western ti>ur. 

tienerals Seott and Rliss. who ought 
to know, have eome out uiu'eservedly 
for the Continental army idea, and the 
-whole plan seems so feasible and alto- 
gether sensible that there is prai-tieally 
no ehanee that ("ongress will adopt it. 



We Judge from the esteenuni Con- 
gressional Ueeord that the great 
trt)uble with .some of our rising young 
statesmen is that tliey rise entirely too 
often. 

liricha! 
Our dear friend Luke 

MeLuke is ill. 
And has to take 

Eaeh hour a pill ; 
Hut does he rave 

And rant and eurseV 
Nay ! nay ! He has 

A pretty nurse. 

And what has beeome of the old- 
fashioned girl who used to go to the 
matinee and weep copiously when they 
titHl the beautiful heroine to the rail- 
road tracks, or when the swarthy 
vilyun turned out the two pcxu* little 
orphans into the snow and sleet? 

"Any cnie with half an eye," begins 
a New York American iniitorial. If 
Urother Hearst will show us any one 
with half an e.ve. or even two-fifths of 
an eye, we'll cheerfully engage to read 
the rest of the stutT. 

The poor uum's wreck is now complete; 

We speak of George MiCMabby : 
He was too fond of wiiiskey neat, 

And that's why he is shabby. 

"Washingtt>n's views menaced by 
stacks" : evidently old Uncle .Toe has 
accumulated the usual row iTi front t)f 
him. 

Pri>bably nothing consoles a fat 
woman more than to have another 
woman tell her that nobixl.v would sus- 
pect she didn't have a corset on. 

/v('<~/> Standiit;}. 

1. "Lusitania Case Now at Crisis." 

2. "Lusitania Crisis Ai'ute." 

3. "Diplomatic Relations May be 
Sever^Hl." 

4. "Germany's Answer Relieves 
Strain." 

,"). "Lusitania Controversy Almost 
SetthHl." 

(). "Crisis Again Very Grave." 
Etc. Etc. Etc. 



ROBKRT I':LIJ0TT GONZALES 



185 



Our Charlotte spy rejtortu tliat tlio 
old town shelled out the uiuiiiflceiit 
KUiri ol' (J — fjouiit 'eiu — () bucks for the 
Jewish relief fund. There is no use 
talJdiij,'; let those Tarheels get a little 
money and they'll scjuander it like 
drunken sailors. 

How the Hociety Editors Love 'Emt 
"Gracious hostess." 
"Attractive d.ibutante." 
"Spacious parlors." 
"Tasteful decorations." 
"Genial host." 
"Dainty refreshments." 
"Popular visitor." 
"Quiet wedding." 

We see by the New York World thai 
it en«a«e<l in "exposing" somebfxly or 
something again, and we suppose the 
old pajicr is radiantly happy. Next to 
a Hearst itaper, which never exposes 
anything unless it is unjtoitular, The 
World is our leading little exposcr, 
but we must say for it that it wades 
right into its subject snortingly 
whether the move is popular or not. 

The course of true neutrality never 
did run smooth. 

When money talks, its remarks are 
never deleted by the censor. 

London's six best cellars seem to be 

maintaining a steady popularity. 

« » « 

Poor old Czar is not only unable to 
advance, but can't even hold his zone. 

Nobody ever seems to temper the 
full-house to the shorn paragrapher. 

Britain's new order of anti-aircraft 
guns probably listed as overhead ex- 
penses. 

The Ally intimation appears to be 
that if we don't give up, they may 
have to. 

A nature-faker might say that the 
bulls are making the bears the goats. 

William Dean Howell's statement 
that young men should not write for 
money finds every college boy's daddy 
in hearty accord. 



Few things in life are more iiathetlc 
than a couple of driink men making 
elaborate plans about what they are 

going to do next day. 

» * • 

Last week, In<'idcMtaIly, ai»i)ears to 
have taken the rest out of Huch;in;Ht. 

f;re(;k reservists here confeiid that 
they shoui<l .sliint; as much in war as 
in peace. 

"Koot for President" is an Ohio 
State Journal headline. We rise tf> 
offer an interpolation: "rio<jt for the 
President." 

A shii)Ioad of German i)laythings has 
reached New York, and here we didn't 
even know 'J''urkey's Cabinet had left 

the country. 

• * » 

"Do not forget that only a few weeks 
ago William of Germany paid homage 
to the memory of Saladin, tlie Moslem 
foe of the (Jrusaders." — I'hiladeljthia 
North American. Well, if we have our 
history on straight, Saladin was a 
kind of njan that no Christian need be 
ashamed of doing homage to. 

It Is understoo<l that King George 
will rai.se the peerage to J.ouis P^otha. 

It is certainly a lucky thing there 
was no von Tirpitz in old Noah's day. 

In diplomatic problems as well as 
chemistry, precipitation never gets a 
solution. 

Ty Cobb says he never drinks, but it 
is thought he does not object to seeing 

the bases full. 

• * « 

The President's note will soon be 
framed. Germany's notes appear to 

have been framed-up. 

« • • 

Just because the President works 
his own typewriter, von Jagow mustn't 
think he takes dictation. 

Kings are human, just like the rest 
of us, and probably old George wishes 
to goodness every time he has to invest 
a nice-looking lady with the Order of 
the Garter that Mary didn't feel she 
had to be present at the ceremony, too. 



18C) 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Necessity is tlie mother of invention, 
and Mr. I<]dison is expected to qualify 
as its papa. 

We observe by tlie news from Flan- 
ders that General Ilaig has again 
scotched the enemy. 

We don't know wliat they'll call the 
submarine Tom Edison intends to in- 
vent, but it will be A-1. 

Suspicion grows that the beam in 
T. R.'s eye is a one-term plank. 

Mr. Bryan's family tree evidently 
bears dates. 

Petrograd reports that the entire 
nation is praying for the Russian arms, 
but it strikes us at tliis juncture some 
prayers for the Russian legs might be 
mucli more effective. 

Some one in Pickens asks us if the 
Germans are using Paris green on the 
Bug river. We can't say. but judging 
by the dispatches there is no Prussian 
blue there. 

A man will walk by a store that has 
an attractive line of silk stockings in 
tlie window, without a second glance; 
but he'll walk a mile out of liis way to 
see a pair that have something in 'em. 

When it comes to making capital out 
of labor, it's hard to beat "Mother" 
Jones. 

Any war dispatch, in brief: "Half 
an inch, half an inch, half an inch 
onward." 

Needles and pins, needles and pins ; 
when a land's neutral its trouble be- 
gins. 

Evolution of Chicago Aristocracii. 
Pigs. 

Priggs. 

* » » 

All the world's a stage, and it's a 
dead easy guess which sex has all the 
speaking parts. 

It sounds paradoxical, but all of 
Flaiti's avowetl candidates for Presi- 
dent are dark horses. 



Wrinkle, wrinkle, little face; 

How you soon will lose your grace 
H your owner still with paint 

Tries to make you what you ain't. 

You can't blame those Frenchmen 
for firing on the German band that 
struck up the Marseillaise — especially 
if you ever heard a German band play- 
ing the Marseillaise. 

Guilford, N. C, gave birth to Uncle 
Joseph Cannon, but the old town has 
been conducting Itself so quietly and 
modestly ever since that hardly any- 
body ever brings the fact up against 
it now. 

Ah, ye knights of the pen ! May 
honor be your shield, and truth tip 
your lances ! Be gentle to all gentle 
people. Be modest to women. Be ten- 
der to children. And as for the Ogre 
Humbug, out sword, and have at him ! 

And here is a saying 

Of old Mr. Starr : 
"A smile on the face is 

Worth two on the bar," 

Will woman, ever kind, suffer us a 
little while to live with suffrage off 
our mind? 

When a girl has a classy pair of 
ankles, she can always find plenty of 
shopping to do on a wet day. 

Here is one thing doth much chagrin 
And puzzle this here scout : 

Why do we say a man's all in 
When he is down and out? 

A tactful clerk, we can attest, 
Is our friend, Maurice Green; 

For when there is an old maid guest 
He gives her suite 10. 

Maud Muller on a winter's day, 
(We know that this Is shocking), 

Hopped on a car and sliowed, they say, 
Quite a gotxl deal of agility. 

Some like the lark, the quail, the dove, 
But our choice beats them hollow ; 

The bird that mostly wins our love 
Is just a little swallow. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



187 



Let's make it possible for the hun- 
gry Belgians to sing "We knead thee 
every hour." 

Constantinople insists that the 
Petrograd correspondent is lying on 
the Ottoman. 

Those frozen rivers in Poland knew 
how to make themselves solid with 
the invaders. 



Prosperity is now pretty general, but 
those Russian ballet dancers seem to 
be making a bare living. 

Ed DeCamp tells us that there is no 
reason why "any one should have the 
blues." Ed, our observation has been 
that we will not have the blues long 
after bucking up against a few well- 
placed straights, flushes, full-dwellings 
and fours. 



Europe is making Mexico seem like 
a Chautauqua meeting by comparison. 

We see by the theatrical news that 
"King John" is the new Mantell piece. 

Most conspicuous feature about Dem- 
ocratic economy is the "con." 

Just after China invited T. R. to 
visit her, she changed the election laws 
so that the President's term may be 
indefinite. We're on, China ! 

From his wonderful command of the 
English language, one would never 
suspect that Woodrow Wilson had had 
a thorough college education. 

'Raus Mlt 'Em! 
Of all the pests 

We hate the rummy 
Who jabs his finger 

In your tummy. 
Then there's the guy 

We'd like to whack. 
Who slaps .you on 

The sunburned back. 

Keep Standing. 
"Francis Joseph Critically 111." 
"Crown Prince Reported Killed." 
"Cruiser Goeben Sent to Bottom." 
"Kaiser's Condition Grave." 
"Americans Missing in Mexico." 
"Hearst Attacks President." 

A sissy is Percy Peet, 

Who's one of the peace faction ; 
He does not want a bigger fleet. 

For it might strip for action. 

A subsidized newspaper, as we un- 
derstand it, is one that doesn't agree 
with your views. 



A man usually can't estimate what 
another man's suit cost within five 
dollars. But a woman can look at 
another woman's suit and tell what it 
cost within five cents. 

Brush runabouts — Pullman porters. 

It's obviously unsafe to hide behind 
a woman's skirt any longer. 

First thing we know, we suppose 
some earnest prohibition solon will 
want to abolish our puppy dog on the 
ground that it is a little licker. 

Many a man gets a big reputation 
for Virtue and Morality, when if the 
truth were known, the poor boob was 
simply scared of getting caught. 

The next time we have to send Ger- 
many a note, we favor letting Billy 
Sunday write it. 

Our understanding is that Britannia 
rules the waves on Mondays, Wednes- 
days and Fridays. 

We judge from her latest pictures 
that Sister Tetrazzini is a little meteor 
than most stars. 

Still, the Mexicans will never have 
as much trouble with their outlaws as 
most Americans with their in-laws. 

G. O. P. — nut politics, so to speak. 

Any war report, in brief: "Line's 
busy." 

Nobody knows much about the Mar- 
tian canals, but we suppose they come 

under the slidereal system. 

» # « 

Well, anyway, Belgium, for one, 
can't complain about our neutrality. 



188 



POEMS AXD PARAGRAPHS 



The paiiitor of the celebrated peace 
picture iu The Ilaiiue pahice is dead. 
Peace preceded him some time ago. 

The German who manages to bottle 
up England will certainly be a corker. 

Judging by British naval losses, it's 
the Kaiser that put the dent in trident. 

You might even refer to I'hiladel- 
phia's negro evangelist as a sort of 
chocolate Sunday. 

While the Navy needs more yards, 
the Army has Miles. 

The pacifists ought to be lucky — 
they are always knocking Wood. 

No wonder money talks. Isn't there 
a woman's face on the coins? 

Another important difference be- 
tween I'resident Wilson and the 
Colonel is that the former wants the 
war over and the latter wants it over 

here. 

« tt « 

Turkey takes a lot of basting. 

Rio Grande is still leading the cur- 
rent news. 

Lansing and von Bernstorff cer- 
tainly take high rank as settlement 
workers. 

There is no fool like an old fool, 
unless it is the fool who thinks he can 
outargue a woman. 

A red-headed man knows his hair is 
red. But a red-headed woman's hair 
is always Auburn or Titian. 

If the Lord loveth whom He chast- 
eneth, those Turks are singularly blest. 

This is the year when a number of 
persons born to the purple are going 
to be blue. 

"Brandeis for Supreme Bench." — 
Headline. Jerusalem ! 

"Turks Fall Back on Mush." Just 
like the pacifist orators. 

Seems paradoxical that Mr. Bryan's 
peace plans call for disappearing guns. 



We regret to note by the Northern 
newspapers' "The Week in the Six- 
ties" columns that the miserable Yanks 
are giving us the devil. 

We trust that in the course of their 
daily walks the natives of Oyster Bay 
are very careful not to step on the 
Colonel's ear. 

Naturally enough, most of the 
squealing against preparedness is com- 
ing from the pork barrel. 

"Is the exposure of the ankle a 
deadly sin?" demands the New York 
World. Oh, no ; that's only a sort of 
miss demeanor. 

Our Dailn Ditty. 
Miss. 
Kiss. 

Bliss. 

* » * 

That Kansas skunk farm must be 
one of those social scenters we hear so 
much of. 

Pennsylvania legislator proposes the 
laurel as the State tlower. What's the 
matter with the Penrose? 

Kiel should present a wonderful op- 
portunity for German painters of still 

life. 

« » • 

Italy is shaped like a boot, but 
Turkey cheerfully recalls that the toe 
is pointing the other w.iy. 

SuCfrage, sufferance, suffering. 

If Britain doesn't let our ships alone, 
it'll soon be "Mad-in-America." 

The Lord may be on Germany's side, 
as the Kaiser so impressively states at 
brief intervals, but it must be admitted 
that the Czar has an Archangel. 

There may be no fool like an old 
fool, but our observation has been that 
the young fool runs him a pretty close 
second. 

Justice Hughes' position seems to be 
that he will positively not accept the 
nomination under any circumstances 
unless he gets it. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALEZ 



189 



Those Progressives are not bull- 
headed. If the G. O. P. refuses to nom- 
inate Roosevelt, they are willing to 
t'onipronilse on T. R. 

One-half the world may not know 
how the other half lives, hut that isn't 
because it is not doing its darndest to 
find out. 

It's all right to sympathize with the 
under dog. But first be sure he didn't 
start the scrap. 

"Czar Nicholas has left for the 
front." The front, at the present rate, 

will meet him half way. 

* * * 

Advertisement in the estimable 
Charleston News and Courier : "Lost, 
on the afternoon of Jan. 31, 1915 : 

Double Case Lady's Gold Watch." 

* * * 

Count Zeppelin is callefl the hardest 
worker in Germany. And yet he can 
take life easy. 

Pittsburgh policewomen are to 
censor the magazines. The fashion 

periodicals should worry. 

« « • 

Where there is a Kitchen, there is 
apt to be pork. 

One-term j)ledge will be carried out 
— on a stretcher. 

"Mr. Wilson is afraid of only two 
men — the Kaiser is one, and I am the 
other." — Colonel Roosevelt. How that 
man does hate himcelf ! 
« # « 

The average husband is likely to find 
that new "battleship bonnet" a revenue 
cutter. 

* # » 

If Bethlehem Steel is one of the 
"war brides," South Carolina cotton 

must have been one of its widows. 

« » « 

As we understand it, Hoke Smith 
cares not who writes the world's laws 
so he can write its cotton quotations. 

Congress seems as determined to 
limit immigration as the South Caro- 
lina legislature is to restrict irrigation. 

In the midst of Life there is gen- 
erally a paragraph knocking the South. 



It is said Hon. Hoke Schmidt is so 
crazy over cotton that his very look is 
baleful. 

As a general proposition, it's safer to 
indorse a man's sentiments than his 
note. 

King George is of a sober breed 

That never gets a jag on, 
So when he falls, it's off his steed 

And not the grand old wagon. 

« » • 

Human nature is a depraved old 
rascal, and our observation is that an 
artistically designed illustrated corset 
ad. will get a hundred earnest perusers 
for every one who wants to know how 
the Russians are coming along on the 
Bug. 

Our notion of the height of irony 
is a European congregation singing 
"They call us to deliver their land 
from error's chain." 

Count Zeppelin says aerial warfare 
will last. A lot of aviators won't 
though. 

The average darkey's notion of a 
labor-saving device is a wife who takes 
in washing. 

Judging by their bemedalled pic- 
tures, the generals get about as many 
orders as they give. 

King Constantine and the Sultan 
ought to form a partnership under the 
firm name of Sick & Tired. 



Fortune 
street. 



tellers — Dun and Brad- 



It may not be the home of the brave, 
but Thaw's lawyers know it's the land 

of the fee. 

• * « 

New Culebra slides may prevent our 
warships from passing through. That 
certainly is the most unkindest cut 
of all. 

The unspeakable Turk is rapidly 

making the Armenians the same way. 

« « * 

A word to the wise is a waste of 
breath. 



190 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



T. R. reiterates his belief in the 
recall of Presidents — to say nothing of 
the recall of ex-Presidents. 

Booze will make a monkey out of a 
man. But it hasn't a thing on Daniel 
P. Cupid that way. 

It developes that Mr. Bryan does 
not care for baseball. Probably hates 
to see the bases full. 

Our understanding is that the last 
American shipload of food for the 
starving Belgians was the best the 

Germans ever ate. 

* » ♦ 

"Women aim at peace." The target 
is perfectly safe. 

Have the Remington strike leaders 
received their Iron Crosses yet? 

Money goes to many a woman's head, 
as friend husband discovers when the 

hat bills ooze in. 

* * « 

The poet d'Annunzio has suffered a 
head injury, but his feet still seem to 
be all riglit. 

The trouble about some American 
descendants of Germans is that they 
seem to think it was quite a descent. 

Opportunity doesn't knock half as 
often as importunity. 

Conditions in Haiti are usually re- 
volting. 

Those Turkish corps that are being 
annihilated seem to have plural lives, 

also. 

* « » 

Those English recruits training at 
Epsom may be booked to join the old 
salts. 

Beyond the Alps lies Italy and 
snores. 

Footnote: King Constantine has a 
cold. 

Armament virumque cano. 

At that, our most rabid pro-Teutons 
will have to concede that the dachs- 
hund is a mighty low down dog. 



It must come natural for waiters to 
walk on tip-toe. 

The best way to display a neutral 
tlag would seem to be on the ship's 
bottom. 

We suppose John Bull puts those 
Zep. raids under the head of high 
crimes and misdemeanors. 

"Cracksmen Got Away With Unre- 
deemed Pledges." says a headline in a 
New York contemporary. So did Con- 
gress. 

Some men are born without a vision 
and others try to sell mineral water in 
Kentucky. 

Possibly you have deduced from our 
comments on the war that there are 
very few Turkish subscribers to this 
paper. 

A House divided against itself can 
not stand for American rights. 

That Ypres canal seems to be the 
European cripple creek. 

It is all right to tell a man that you 
like his makeup. But you don't want 
to tell a woman that. 

Story of a German surgeon making 
a jawbone from a rib recalls that 
Genesis scooped it ages ago. 

We suppose they reckon distances in 
Oklahoma as the Jim Crow flies. 

You can't judge by appearances. 
The most angel-faced youth we know 
can tell jokes that would make Joseph 
G. Cannon blush for shame. 

The suff. contention, of course, is for 
the freedom of the shes. 

Sometimes we sit and wonder in our 
idle way what in the mischief Eve did 
when the cold weather came. 

It is a safe bet those English women 
companies for home defense wUl 
intrepidly face the powder. 

Poor old Turkey, she's made a hash 
of it, as usual. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT iWNZALES 



191 



Mexican General Chao needs only an 
extra letter to tit nicely into the situ- 
ation. 

• » « 

Current "Life" is a John Bull Num- 
ber, this disposing of the theory that 
the Teutons had got his number. 

"Turkish tobacco famine threat- 
ened." When did all those North Car- 
olina factories shut down? 

Every one of us has a particular 
friend, and some that are not so par- 
ticular. 

Red eyes are a sign that a man 
ought to have glasses or that he has 
had too many of 'em. 

Prohibition in those counties on the 
Tarheel border sounds like moonshine 
to us. 



T. R.'s 

unum !" 



revision : "ME pluribus 



The Literary Digest is interested in 
the origin of the first movies. Our 
understanding is that they were Adam 
and Eve. 

The Turks claim they will win in 
the long run, but they don't seem to 
be any slouches at the sprints, either. 

It's the American advances that 
gratify London as deeply as the Brit- 
ish advance. 

A whole lot of grievances are 
nursed on a bottle. 

Absent-minded Math, professor, on 
sentry duty : "Advance, friend, and 
give the co-sine !" 

A well turned ankle is responsible 
for many a well turned head. 

We have heard many dainty little 
compliments to the Atlanta police 
force, but this, from a Monmouth, 111., 
paper is about the limit : "Lincoln 
McConnell is scheduled to appear at 
the city auditorium tomorrow. Mr. 
McConnell once was a policeman in 
Atlanta, but was converted to Chris- 
tianity." 



Drawing-rooms — dental parlors. 

The best All-Star combination is the 
American flag. 

The first Christmas Eve, we pre- 
sume, was Adam's. 

Some girls are hard to get around, 
but not the trim-waisted ones. 

A visit to the butcher lurnisnes con- 
clusive proof that the beef trust still 
stands at Armourgeddon. 

A hen is not necessarily absent- 
minded just because she can't find 
things where she lays them. 

The first squalls on the sea of mat- 
rimony are invariably followed by a 
spanking breeze. 

As we understand it, the surest way 
to make a living by the pen is to 
raise pigs. 

Some single men are so stingy they 
hate to give up bachelor's quarters for 
a better half. 

"A man who calls too often," says 
Laura Jean labbey, "renders himself 
a nuisance." Depends, we would say, 
a good deal on what he holds. 

Our observation has been that the 

only justification some men have for 

calling themselves live wires is the 

fact that the clothes they have on are 
charged. 

Five years ago, you told a girl you 
would like to see more of her. Modern 
girls have made any such remark 
entirely unnecessary. 

"Chinese Suffragist Puts Modesty 
First." — New York Times. East is 
East and West is West, and never the 
twain shall meet. 

These "Post no bills" signs ought to 
be put on every letter-box. 

Chicago has a dog that chews to- 
bacco. He must be a Spitz. 

Isn't it queer how often a straight 
ticket is crooked? 



192 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



"Rockefeller and Morgan Ancestry 
Traced Back to Monarch." — Headline. 
Probably one of the seizers. 

You can always depend on Colonel 
Brj'an to do the write thing. 

"England Bars Yarn Exports" — but 
the censor beat her to it long ago. 

The world may be growing better, 
but we notice that at the art sales, 
"Psyche at the Bath" continues to 
fetch a good deal stiffer price than 
"St. Angus at his Meditations." 

And what has become of the old- 
time damsel who used to hop on a 
chair and scream when she saw a 
mouse? 

The best calling cards — a royal flush. 

CHRISTMAS, 1915. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS! 

To Her. 

To old Santa. 

To our noble self. 

To poor old Henry 4d. 

To Messrs. Haig & Haig. 

To the inventor of tlie short skirt. 

To Woodrow Wilson, for keeping us 
out of it. 

To the unfortunate souls we owe 
money to. 

To all the! brethren of the quill 
everywhere. 

To all other anti-okraites and anti- 
polka-dotters. 

To Marse Watterson, and more 
power to his pen. 

To everybody in general, and the 
kiddies in particular. 

To every dear creature that wears 
a skirt. God bless 'em ! 

To Queen Sophie for letting Con- 
stantine know who's boss. 

To all the Princesses who are going 
to propose to us next year. 

To our dentist, for stopping a little 
short of killing us completely. 

To "Papa Joft're," the savior of 
France, and to the glorious poilus. 

To the weather man, even if he 
didn't come across with a fall of the 
beautiful. 



To Frank L. Stanton, Georgia's sun- 
shine dispenser, and may he live to be 
a million. 

To the gentleman who sends us our 
subsidy of British gold promptly every 
week. 

To everybody we should have 
thought of greeting in the Colyum to- 
day, but didn't. 

To all Byzantine logothetes, of what- 
ever race, color, or previous condition 
of servitude. 

To William of Hohenzollern, cruel, 
wilful and wrong-headed, but consid- 
erable man for all that. 

To the Allies and the Teutons ; but 
the only merry thing we wish the 
heathen Turk is merry h — . 

To the New York World and the 
New York. Times, the powerful bul- 
warks of the Democratic press. 

To our more or less gentle readers, 
for so amiably overlooking the great 
age of some of our so-called jokes. 

To Greece and Roumania. for not 
entering the war and deluging us with 
a new crop of unpronounceable names. 

To Generals French and Haig, for 
having been accommodating enough to 
be born with such punnable names. 

To the teller of our bank, for re- 
fraining from laughter when we ask 
importantly what our account is now. 

To Deacon Hemphill, of Charleston. 
Richmond, Charlotte, Philadelphia, 
Washington, and the country at large. 

To King George, with the earnest 
advice to straddle a Shetland pony 
next time he feels like doing any 
riding. 

To Lord Kitchener, for having 
enough sense to steer clear of that 
there aged duchess who tried to snag 
him. 

To the great and good man and 
brother who dealt us an ace on the last 
card yesterday at the critical moment. 

To Hon. Ring W. Lardner, who orig- 
inated the Friend Al stuff, having 
thereby enabled us to fill up many a 
stickful of space. 

To the thousands of loyal friends 
and subscribers who have stuck so 
loyally to the old pape- through sun- 
shine and shadow. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



193 



To Old Doc Cook, Dumba, Boy-Ed, 
Von Papen, Panch Villa, Don Wliisker- 
auza, 'Gus Gardner and Cap'n Hobson, 
for the paragraphs they have made. 

To the great, glorious, glittering and 
gifted galaxy of exchange editors who 
have embroidered their editorial pages 
with cullings from this Colyum of 
Chatter. 

To that brave antique, the divine 
Sarah, and here's hoping she gets well 
and makes an annual farewell appear- 
ance in this old land of the free until 
she is 150. 

To all sick folk, the bedridden, and 
the shut ins, and to those not so well 
endowed with this world's goods as us, 
though personally we don't believe 
there can possibly be any such. 

To Bro. Hearst, whose little faults 
we feel it our bounden duty from time 
to time to point out and endeavor to 
correct, in our helpful little way, 
though it must be confessed that the 
man doesn't seem to pay the least bit 
of attention to us. 

To Teddy of the Teeth, whom we 
exhort to enjoy the limelight while he 
can, for the way Woodrow and the 
mighty hosts of an uuterrified and im- 
perishable Democracy are going to 
dust the seat of the man's pants next 
year will be a caution. 

To Ed DeCamp, Robert Quillen, 
Watson Bell, Joe Patton, Elder Caine, 
"Sid Alyn," Sam Farabee, "Jim" 
Cowan, the Myrovers, Wig. Cheatham, 
Rion McKissick, Pierre Fike, Tom 
Arnold, Harold Booker, Rev. Sam 
Creech, Charlie Hearon, Al Hutchison, 
Dixon Merritt, "Bud" Stephenson, 
W. H. Wallace, John D. Spencer, Bob 
Gray, Ed Lambright and Jim Hamel. 

To Our Own Doc Evans, from 
whose comforting column we learn 
today that we are pretty sound, wind 
and limb, with the trifling exceptions 
of pneumonia, diptheria, bronchitis, 
asthma, diabetes, dyspepsia, dropsy, 
poor circulation, rheumatism, neural- 
gia, milk leg, yellow jaundice, catarrh, 
vertigo, scrofula, softening of the 
brain, St. Vitus's fox trot and pink 
eye. 



The old-fashioned woman who was 
afraid of a mouse now has a daughter 
whose hair is full of rats. 

Stick to it, Woodrow. The people 
are behind you, and there is nothing 
frozen about their props. 

Von Bernstorflf is said to be fond of 
the movies, and the indications are 
that he'll soon be one himself. 

When a married man goes home 
hungry late at night, he always gets a 
piece of tongue and a roast. 

When a woman gets to be 30 years 
old, she will be 31 in about four years. 

Pig-headed stubbornness is the per- 
severence of somebody we don't like. 

"Paddy" is a boy's nickname. But 
it fits some of the sisters mighty well. 

Germany has barred the export of 
apples, as she needs every corps she 
can get. 

Perhaps the pork-brigade will take 
more kindly to a bigger navy when 
they learn there's a trough of the sea. 

It must be a great relief for once for 
the girls to be able to pop the question 

without having to question pop. 

* * » 

Some Famous Toms. 
Thumb 
Watson 
Titmouse 
Dixon 
Cat. 
Boy 

The Piper's Son 
Fool 
Tit. 

The Sequel. 
International law. 
International jaw. 

There are closed seasons for the 
other game. But you can hunt trouble 
the year around. 

Germany's insistence on attacking 
armed ships doesn't seem to extend to 
the British Navy. 



194 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



"Woll," snid the Man Who Novor 
Reads the Papers, "now that the (.er- 
luans have eouquereil l?nlpiria ami 
joined forces with the Russians, it 
looks bad for the Czar of Iluniiar.v. 
doesn't it? The.v tell me that if those 
Jap submarines don't stop sinking the 
Swiss ships. President tJarrison will 
send them a note. I hear that Sir 
John Kitchener is now in command of 
the French army in China. By the 
way. what do you think of this pre- 
paredness-at-any-price idea of Henry 
Ford's?" 

Yes, it IS Oetting Wanner. 
(From the St. Louis Globe-Democrat.) 
Mr. and Mrs. I'aul R. Van Tuyl of 
4204 Athlone avenue are receiving con- 
gratulations on the arrival of twui 
infants yesterday, a boy and a girl. 
Mr. Van Tuyl is an artist. 

"Women are marrying men and 
reforming them every day in the year," 
says the I?oston Transcript. If they 
need reforming that often, the ladies 
certainly have our teuderest sym- 
pathy. 

A Vet's Counsel. 
Here's good advice relayed to lis by 

one whom poker pays : 
"Don't call a bet, young man." he said. 

"lay down your hand or raise." 

No matter if a woman's wardrobe 
and closet are jam full of clothes, she 
always insists that she has nothing 

to wear. 

# * « 

Money is the root of all evil, and we 
all have spades. 

Those Turkish checks appear to have 
been bogus. 

How much pleasanter is the cock-a- 
doodle-doo of the Democratic rooster 
than the crow that falls to the portion 
of Republicans and Progressives ! 

If a man tried it. he'd be a candidate 
for the coroner in about live minutes. 
But a woman can have her mouth full 
of pins and chatter just as gaily as 
if there wasn't a thing there. 



No girl is ever so homely that she 
doesn't imagine that every man she 
passes is secretly eating his heart out 
for her. 

How do those who contend that 
wi)man is the intellectual inferior of 
man accomit for the fact that she can 
give a man a piece of her mind 305 
days in the year and still have a huge 
reserve supply ? 

How Dc(tr to Ilimf 
"I have such a kind hearted mate!" 

Exclaimed .voung Mrs. Mitty ; 
"He says he has to stay out late 

At night to feed the kitty." 

Bri/ant a la Mode. 
The melancholy days are come. 

The dry est of the year ; 
It's hard to get a little rum, 

Or even a little beer. 

An ounce of preparedness is worth 
a pound of pork. 

One touch of scandal makes the 
whole world chin. 

Burns up-to-date : A chiel's amang 
us writin' notes. 

"The women of the country are not 
for peace-at-any -price." declares a 
prominent suft'. You bet they are not, 
sister. They are for peace marked 
down to something — OSc. 

We presume that they call him Marse 
Hen. because he's the Nestor of Ameri- 
can journalism. 

"There are 140 races in Russian ter- 
ritory." with the Russians doubtless 
leading in most of 'em. 

One of the Khedive's wives is miss- 
ing, but that's just like a fellow losing 
a coin from a bag of $50 in nickles. 

It's a great wonder the suffs don't 
insist that it be renamed the Pana- 

mama canal. 

« * » 

Mr. Marshall says he is entering 
ui^on four years of silence, but no man 
initialUM "T. R." is going to keep quiet 
for four mortal years. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



195 



"Chaos Reigns in Mexico City." The 
capital must have settled down to nor- 
mal at last. 

Uneasy lies the head that wears a 
fez. 

If John Bull keeps on, we'll have to 
start calling 'em the high sieze. 

The Sublime Porte's sublimity is be- 
ginning to look like three dimes. 

« # • 

The fellow who predicted that the 
Turks would be in the running seems 
to have made a good guess. 

Those insurgent Senators evidently 
forget that the ferrule is a part of 
every schoolmaster's equipment. 

All the good jokes don't appear in 
the humorous weeklies. Frinstance, 
here's the New York American saying 
that it feels "emboldened to give a 
modest toot or two upon our own 
horn." 

A square man never lacks a circle of 
friends. 

Russia expects every consonant to 
do its duty. 

We are inclined to fear that the 
French reports of the fighting around 
Lens are greatly magnified. 

"Knight of the Garter Killed." 
Whatdye mean, "No metal can touch 

you ?" 

As we understand the situation, 
whenever a German army heaves in 
sight, the Russians beat it. 

A fool and his money are soon petted. 

» « » 

It's no treason to say we like Wil- 
son, but Roosevelt is better still. 

In other words. Ally liners contend 
that guns are a stern necessity. 

In discussing the Germans, Colonel 
Hank Watterson firmly refuses to a.s- 
cend to personalities. 

Those Italians don't seem to be very 
much good at the forward pass. 



If organized baseball had an official 
dance, we suppose it would be the can- 
can. 

• * • 

England seized a cargo of sausage 
skins as contraband. Probably took 
'em off a bark. 

One hears a lot of facetious criti- 
cism of feminine hosiery, but it's all 
right as far as we can see. 

With Britain excluding Lady Nico- 
tine, she can't expect Virginia to back 
'er. 

A little intuition gets a man farther 

in this life than a lot of tuition. 

• * * 

An American right the belligerents 

might respect would be one to the jaw. 

• * « 

With all due respect to Mrs. Pank- 
hurst, the hand that rocks the win- 
dows will never be the hand that rules 

the world. 

« • • 

Apparently a Turkish commander is 
entitled Bey because he leads a dog's 

life. 

• • • 

Germany's birth rate shows a de- 
crease. The mailed fist leaves no room 

for undressed kids. 

• • • 

Worst licked, Mr. Taft, but best 

liked. Isn't that worth something? 

» * « 

Every time a Turkish soldier falls 
about 110 women have to put on crepe. 

A man will use a public hairbrush 
in a club washroom and wipe his flap- 
pers on a towel that looks like the 
Liberian flag. But if he goes home and 
finds that one of the family has used 
his hairbrush and left a few hairs in 
it and that the bathroom towels are 
slightly soiled, he has a 12-cylinder, 18- 

karat fit. 

« * • 

4d(i Hfmga of Long Ago. 
"Oh, take me to that happy land where 

rivers of beer are found ; 
Where sweet gin-rickeys fill the air 

and highballs roll on the ground. 
Wha-a-at! Highballs roll on the 

ground? 
Sure ! Highballs roll on the ground !" 



196 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Petrosrad revision : 
"For how can mau lie better 
Tlian I'acinj; fearful oddsski 
For the ashes of his fathers 

And the temples of his s^'dsski?" 

# 4t # 

Poor old human nature was ever 
prone to niatjnify the mote and forget 
the beam, and we don't suppose there 
is more hearty sniekerinj; anywhere 
over those quaint little petticoats the 
Greek warriors wear than in what's 
left of tlio rank and tile of the Gordon 
Ilishlandors or the Black Watch. 

The Kaiser, thinks the Edgefield Ad- 
vertiser, "has a symi)atlietic cord in his 
breast." Yep, tliat's the one he uses 
for stringing us. 

We have no excuse to make for our 
Anglomania. We love the old country 
like a woman loves chicken salad, and 
that is considerable affection. 

« * * 

If the Turk contiuvies his present 
gait in Armenia, he'll soon become al- 
most as bad as us Christians. 

And what has become of the old- 
fashioned woman who used to knot her 
money in her handkerchief? 

Britain has barretl all metal exports, 
but we understand that coppers from 
Ireland will continue to arrive as here- 
tofore. 

• • • 

Probably the best thing yet said of 
the President's speaking trip is The 
Wall Street Journal's characterization 
of it as a tour de force. 

Chapter I — Jug. 
Chapter II — Jag. 
Chapter III — Juggai. 

Germany's "whittling down" process 
seems to have a sort of reverse Eng- 
lish. 

« « » 

We have sent a shipload of horses 
to Russia, but those thirsty moujiks 
would much prefer a few ponies. 

"Ix)ok up, not down." urges an ex- 
cbauge. Not while the ankle-watch is 
in vogue. 



The surest sign of rigid neutrality is 
when botli combatants complain of it. 

America is the world's largest pro- 
ducer of coi)per and Ireland of cop- 
pers. 

Perhaps an immediation board would 
get quicker results in Mexico. 

Chickens aren't the only things that 
come home to roost. There are love- 
letters. 

It certainly would be interesting to 
overhear some of the explanations our 
missionaries are putting up to the 
heathen these days. 

An Americus paper refers to Tom 
Watson as being In the public eye. We 
feel that we must disagree with our 
contemi)orary. Tom is not in the public 
ej'e. He is in the public nose. 

Hard Luck. 
We'd like to meet 

John Henry Short ; 
'Tis rumored that 
He has a quart. 

— Macon Telegraph. 

We fear that you 

Will have to thirst; 
You see, we met 

John Henry first. 

• » * 

Prof. Newcomb says that in 7,000.000 
years the sun will be only half its pres- 
ent size. No wonder (Jermany is so 
anxious for a place in it. 

Life is full of disappointments. For 
instance, no sooner did the short skirt 
l)romise to reveal a few })retty good 
looking props than fashicm had to go 
and decree that the girls must sur- 
round "em with these here bronze shoes 

about a yard high. 

» • » 

Some Famous Feet. 
Slew 
Hay 
Straw 
Cloven 
Cold. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



197 



Yep. 
Here is a solemn truth, my son, 

And one that you should know ; 
You can not hope to get a bun 

Unless you have the dough. 

Wow. 
There was an old jurist named Hughes, 
Who said, "I most firmly refughes 

To get in the race 

For friend Woodrow's place; 
For it's a dead cinch I would lughes !" 

A woman's notion of rigid economy is 
spending .fl.OS less for something she 
needs so that she can spend $11.08 more 
for something she doesn't need. 

Vienna reports consistent Austrian 
gains, it being now thought that they 
have so lengthened the gap that there 
is little hope of the Russians catching 

'em. 

« » « 

A Kansas legislator is gunning for 
face-powder and perfume, and it looks 
as if he's going to make a vanity bag, 

too. 

• • • 

A celebrated alienist is dead, leaving 
a fortune of .$500,000, which is proba- 
bly the biggest money ever made out of 

nuts. 

« « « 

Torpedoing defenseless merchant 
ships is something like swatting a day- 
old infant with a baseball bat. 

• * * 

There are liars and liars. But the 
dirtiest liar of all is the "Welcome" on 

the door mat on the front porch. 

« « * 

The war so far has cost billions of 
francs, shillings and marks, and it may 
cost a few crowns as well. 

Maybe marriages were made In 
heaven, but we believe in giving the 
old-fashioned porch-swing some credit. 

Palmettodom is all forlorn. 

No longer gay and merry ; 
It looks as if John Barleycorn 

Must go with Tom and Jerry. 

Who says there's nothing in a name? 
The author of "I Didn't Raise My Boy 
to be a Soldier" is Alfred Bryan. 



Somewhere east of Suez seems to be 
unhealthy for the Turk. 

Half a loaf is better than no vaca- 
tion. 

In other words, if you can't wear 
your party's collar you are apt to get 
a cufit". 

The earth may cease its revolutions 
in 5,000 years, as this astronomer pre- 
dicts, but it's a safe bet Mexico won't. 

When a girl has a brace of shapely 
props, she doesn't care how hard the 
wind blows. 

Our undenstanding is that the 
Cologne Gazette is the New York Amer- 
ican of Germany. 

Penrose must have forgotten that the 
"Pay-as-you-enter" plan of electing 
Senators is obsolete. 

Well, you'd naturally look for Gore 
after Lansing. 

Keeping in the middle of the road is 
a certain way of stopping the rocks 

from both sides. 

« » « 

Dardanelles is probably the only 
instance where three kings can't open 
under the guns. 

Count that day queer, whose low 
descending sun brings no fresh news 
that Duke Nick's on the run. 

Mr. Edison's remarks on prepared- 
ness are naturally illuminating. 

"Made-in-Germany" also appears to 
extend to our munitions conspiracies. 

We should help clothe those ragged 
Poles. The dogs of war can furnish 
only the pants. 

If we lived in the theatre of war, we 
believe we'd go out between the acts 
pretty often. 

Even Rev. Billy couldn't do much 
good with a hopeless backslider like 
the Gaillard cut. 

French heels don't appear to be in 
fashion any more along the Aisne. 



198 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



We suppose Berlin is now thoroughly 
acquainted with the fact that the will 
in Wilson is still doing business at the 
same old stand. 

Possibly trouble might be obviated 
by the Kaiser's consenting to allow us 
the use of his ocean on, say, Mondays, 
Wednesdays and Fridays. 

The more pork Congress kills the 
more bacon it saves. 

Rivers of ink have flowed in ridicule 
of the late Anthony Comstock. But 
we wish that we were half as sure a 
niche in heaven as he is. 

European nations evidently think 
they can solve the food problem by 
making mincemeat of one another. 

Current references to war's "wrink- 
led front" explain in part its unpopu- 
larity with the feminine contingent. 

Sing Sing's quaint little idea of tact 
is appointing a spiritual visitor to 
the condemned a reverend gentleman 
named Cashin. 

With most of the peer supply cut off, 
American girls are now being loved 
for their pink faces instead of their 
greenbacks. 

Since the new styles eame in, most 
of the street-corner lads are willing 
for the damsels to have all the place 
in the sun they want. 

Probably nothing in the world 
tickles an old maid more than catch- 
ing somebody in something he or she 
has no business doing. 

In that day the lion shall lie down 
with the lamb. Col. Bryan and Col. 
Roosevelt shall sleep together. 

Once upon a time there was a sur- 
geon who did not decide that an imme- 
diate operation was necessary. 

Well, you can usually count on 
Haiti to lend some color to the news. 

When a man has to be shadowed, it's 
usually an indication that he's shady. 



If Carranza can't have peace him- 
self, he evidently isn't going to let any- 
body else have it. 

Another thing Prof. Taft has done 
since quitting office was to knock 
into everlasting smithereens that tradi- 
tional "Nobody-loves-a-fat-man" the- 
ory. 

It seems to be the general impres- 
sion that Berlin government circles 
aren't square. 

We don't mind Germany forging 
ahead, but not in the matter of Amer- 
ican passports. 

"Germans fighting with fire." In this 
country they prefer playing with it. 

Turks rushing to enlist evidently 
prefer the jaws of death to the jaws 
of life. 

The grape is said to be Mr. Bryan's 
favorite fruit. Next to that he likes 
a date. 

Here Is a Chant of Hate Agin Okra. 

Try it over on your Ford : 

Cabbage and squash, they matter not ; 

Spinach, tomatoes, or peppers hot ; 

We love them not, we hate them not ; 

We praise them not, nor yet berate. 

We have but one and only hate. 

Though we love many, we hate but 
one: 

We have one hate, and one alone : 
OKRA ! 

Come, let us stand in the market- 
place. 

An oath to swear to, face to face. 

An oath of bronze no wind can shake, 

An oath for our sons and their sons 
(if any; otherwise daughters will 
do) to take. 

Come, hear the word, repeat the word, 

Throughout the commonwealth make 
it heard : 

We will never forego our hate ; 

We have all but a single hate ; 

We love as one ; we hate as one ; 

We hate one stew and one alone : 
OKRA!" 

The Turk's dream seems to have 
turned out to be a nightmare. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



199 



Among the athletics in a Panama 
fair race was Mr. Bugg. He started, 
of course, from scratch. 

It must be something else when a 
Turkish soldier has to sit down and 
read all his letters from the family. 

"Women and children first !" admon- 
ished Count Zeppelin, as he ordered 
another raid on London. 

Is this Colonel Tiddy 
Who wants us all riddy 
With guns and with threasure 

The foe to repel? 
It IS Colonel Tiddy 
Who wants us all riddy ; 
Upon me sowl, Tiddy, 

You're doing d d well ! 

Yale's showing has been so disap- 
pointing this year that it is persist- 
ently rumored that Mr. Walter Camp 
will put only seven or eight Yale men 
on his All-American team, instead of 

the usual eleven. 

* * # 

Republics are notoriously ungrate- 
ful, but they have no monopoly of 
that commodity. Greece, for instance, 
is just now putting up the classiest 
little exhibition of ingratitude this 
generation is likely to see. 

Some Revenue Cutters. 
Automobiles 
Wives 
Licker 
Poker 
Butchers. 

If a body meet a body who is full of 

rye. 
Take a tip, and pass that body very 

quickly by. 

# * * 

The greatest pest 
Of whom we know 

Is he who says 
"I told you so." 

The Progress of Kultur. 

1865— Sherman. 

1915— German. 

Seems paradoxical, but one's dearest 
friend is the one who always wants a 
loan. 



The chill wind moans 

Among the trees ; 
We see the end 

Of B. V. D.'s. 

Would, ah, would that 

Some genius gent 

Would but invent 
The songless cat ! 

This is a tolerably truthful old 
State. But Ananias must turn in 
his grave whenever a candidate an- 
nounces that he is running only by 
reason of the earnest and repeated 
solicitation of his friends. 

It is understood that in consequence 
of this country's vigorous representa- 
tions Turkey will make a radical 
change in the treatment of Armenians, 
hanging or drowning them, instead of 
brutally shooting them. 

Add popular fiction : 
Idle rumor. 
Common sense. 
Human race. 

War in the Balkans ! Will it pass 
Like vapor on a polished glass? 
Or will the world in wonder see 
A second stern Thermopylae? 

The warring nations have their Iron 
Cross, Victoria Cross and Cross of the 
Legion of Honor, but the Red Cross is 
the noblest and most glorious decora- 
tion of them all. 

Why Paragraphers Oo Crazy. 

"How in the world do you think up 
all those things every day?" 

"Do you dictate your stuff?" 

"Isn't it a lot of trouble having to 
read all the exchanges?" 

"Is everything you say original with 
you ?" 

"I thought of a good one for you 
yesterday, but I've forgotten it." 

"If I sent you some real good dope, 
would I get anything for it?" 

"Why don't you quit knocking 
I Allies?" 



the 



J Germans?" 



There was little fighting in Flanders 
yesterday. Wet grounds. 



200 



roEMs AXD rARAaRArii;s 



Bulffaria'a thoory Is Hint a fiioiid 
in neuil is no friond of lici-b!. 

The revelation that Ceorpe Sylvester 
Vlereck's most cherished possession is 
a violet from tlie Knive of the poet is 
certainly enough to nialce the sluide of 
Osear Wilde. 

Mexican leaders anjjrily insist that 
we are resi)onsil>le for Mexico's lnn>- 
};er. Hence tlie t>xpression, casns belli. 

Before the marriatjje she thinks he is 
the Candy Kid. lUit afterwards she 
finds out that he is a I^emon Drop. 

The breath of snsi>lcion has carda- 
mom seed in it. 

Mr. Gardner says our warships can't 
hit. Nobody has ever been able to get 
a run out of them, either. 

We supi>ose that John 1>. feels better 
since the n(>ws that Poland's new kini; 
will be auouitcd with oil. 

The grand did;e ought to be satistied. 
He started out to hire the (UM-nums 
into llnssia, and he did it. 

The Czav's subjects, according to a 
Western paper, are evincing a disi)osi- 
tion to see Russia first, but the main 
question is, will they see Russia last"? 

"Paris to Try Chicago Keef." goes a 
headline. It's a dead cinch guessing 
that verdict. 

The tone i>f l\>lonel Watterson's 
comments on tlie Kaiser have become 
very much more dignitied and re- 
strained, and all yesterday's Courier- 
Journal says is that he is bound 
straight for hell. 

We are surprised to observe by the 
latest photographs that those Hnssian 
generals are as ferocicmsly bearded as 
ever. We judged that they would 
show the etYei't t>f the lathering von 
llindenburg gave 'em, to say nothing 
of their close shaves. 

Two things that never jibe well with 
horse sense are an unbridled temper 
and the spur of the moment. 



The indications are that Secretary 
Daniels is going to make the Navy 
even more formidable and ellicient 
than the Kepui>lican l)arnacled etlitors 
had feared. 

Many a time and oft we sit and 
wonder in our idle way what Sher- 
man woidd have said al>t>ut Cerman 
(liplon\acy. 

We see by the Massachusetts ex- 
cluinges that another epidemic of Fossy 
jaw is now raging in the poor little 
State. 

Dnr notion i>f an appropriately- 
named newsimper is the Russian mili- 
tary organ. It is "Uussky Invalid." 

Not the least t>ntertaining feature of 
the situation is the Southern press 
vigorously denouncing ciipperheadism. 

Russia reports that her new dread- 
noughts are "combing the Rlack Sea." 
l>onbtless want a brush with the 
enemy. 

We are in favor of Colonel Roose- 
velt's taking his hand out of his hip 
pocket when he stands behind the 
I'resldent. 

While real Anierican papers are 
talking reason, the hyphenated editors 
seem to have tacked on a "t." 

At that, the Liberty Bell Isn't the 
only half-cracked object with a big 
tongue that has been in 'Frisco this 
nu>nth. 

Sometimes we, too, have our mo- 
mei\ts of depression when we ftvl that 
a paragrapher is not without honor, 
save in his own coimtry and every- 
where else. 

The ipu^stion we have put up to 
(Germany, we take it. is whether to I'un 
her war on the Kuropean or the Amer- 
it-an plan. 

According to the Philadelphia 
Ledger, "the Bear retlectively licks his 
chops." So there is something he cau 
lick, after all. 



liOllFJiT KLLIOTT (lON'/.ALK^ 



201 



" 'K('(>i) on ItcliiK H Motlu'i-,' says 
T. R." Ilcjidlinc. You're iiol. UilkiiiK 
to us, (Ntldiicl. We've Hi ruck. 

Yoll are uol, ai>l lo he a corker if 
you un; an uiieorker. 

However, UiiHsiii w<tul(l clieerrully 
underKo a prolraeteil heef sliorla^'e for 
only one slice ol" Turkey. 

.F((liii Sliarp <'aii he inlKlily hlinil. 

In llie niidsl ol' \\U\ vv(> usually luid 
a nauKhly |»lctiire. 

Dardanelles failure Is juHt another 
exaini»le of a sIraK. healing tliroo khij,'s. 

"Houlhern editors hehlnd Taft," 
Roes a headline. No wonder W(> can't 
nee 'em. 

If ('arranza ean'l or woii'l, we know 
a certain k<>ii<<'<'<I <'lderly ^'eidh-nian 
who <'an and will. 

'I'heic seems to he a picliy >;eneral 
impression I hat. flu; kind of eompul- 
Hory education ]VI(;xlc(» nee<ls oiikIiL to 
h'ad olT with trl(.;Kenioni(!try. 

C/orn (lodKors -prohlhlth)nlHtH. 

Constantino must l)e Greek for Hen 

Peck. 

« » • 

Th(>re's many a low trick imlled off 
on the hi^li seas. 

You never hear anyhody sayiiif^ of a 
man that, his name is nnid if he has 
sand. 

lOvery tlnu; (%)nstant itie iriakes u|) 
his ndnd to Join tlie allies, he K<>es 
home and Hophhr tells him where he 

Kefs off. 

Jud^chiK l)y the KroncheH some men 
tak(> homt', tli(\v seem to think that 
frhuid wife is personally responsihh; 
whenever anything K<>es wron^ iit the 

olllee. 

* * * 

nyphenated enthuslasin for "On- 
ward, (llirislian Sol<iiers" seeniH (pieer 
in view of the fact that one vers(; he- 
Ulns "We are not divhhid." 



Our notion of the helKht of s\iper- 
lluity Is an anti-treathiK law in H<"ot- 
land. 

Many of us can rememher when 
Steel common was a n^Knlm" lauf,'hlnK- 

stock. 

« » * 

Whit lAlirarkinH Go Crazy. 

"I want a copy of Ah^xander Hk; 
I'ope's poems." 

"lias Itider lla;,'j;ard writ ten any- 
thing since David llarum'"V 

"Hav(! you The Cricket on th(! 
Andirons.' "'I 

"No, I don't waid "riie Mfe of Wa^- 
n(!r' ; I don't (;are a tiling for hasehall." 

"i'lease Klve me Mal/a<r's latest 
novel." 

'IMien; are ahoiit J),7H({,r) i:{ ways of 
KettiuK on tlu; ^^ood side of a woman, 
liuMudinK protesting that you thought 
her daughter was her ulster. 

It took Don VVhlskeranza a (ieuc(> of 
a time to put the 111 In Villa, hut tlie 
old scamp a])pears lo hav(; done the 
j(»h at last. 

You never hear any kick over old 
Santa's air raids. 

"l<'onl is still sanguine." And lOu- 
rope Ih HtiU sanKuinary. 

If Roosev<'lt di<l .join the Allies, we 
supi)os(; they'd i)romptly assign him to 
llie K'lM S((Ma(l. 

Iiloy(l-(J(!orKe is trying to woo tin; 
Welsh inhKirs to cons<'rli»tlon. II(! 
knows tliey'd he the pick of the army. 

T. It. says Wilson Is following in 
Taft's footsteps. Well, th(!r(!'s no dan- 
ger of Woodrow missing tin; trail. 

II must make; a woman cliuckh; 
((uietly to hers(!lf wh(Mi sin; hears a 
I Mil I man i>ort(!r address friend lius- 
haiid as "Boss." 

A woman can make; over an old dress 
MO clev<'rly that it ]o(tks like l>rand 
new and all tin; men would swear It is 
hrand new. But th(! otlier women can 
tell at a glance that it has heen made; 
over. 



202 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Judging by W. A. Evans, M. D.'s 
frequent diatribes against tlie demon 
rum, he must be one of those dry docs. 

It is I'eported tliat in another search 
for the British navy, the (jerman fleet 
made a daring raid almost to the very 
battlements of Kiel. 

We know one ardent prohibitionist 
who hopes when he comes to die it 
will be of water on the brain. Mean- 
while he has to content himself with a 
crick in the back. 

The Congress will please come to 
disorder. 

Evidently it was Britain that put 
the mess in Mesopotamia. 

A 'Wonder. 
A statesman whom we think is great 

Is Mr. Lucius Lide; 
He never rises in debate 

And says, "I point with pride." 

Why Ifs a ^nap for Woodroiv. 
Cannon 
Burton 
Weeks 
Whitman 
Sherman 
Borah 
Cummins 
Penrose 
Root 
La Follette. 

This visiting English lady who so 
enthusiastically exclaims that Ameri- 
can men are Apollos must take those 
illustrated clothing and union-suit ads 
too seriously. 

The old-fashioned woman who used 
to hike up her skirt about eight inches 
when she boarded a trolley car now 
has a daughter who doesn't have to 
hike up hers at all. 

Berlin's claim that a German fleet 
scoured the North Sea last week look- 
ing for the British Navy reminds us 
of the fellow who heard a noise down- 
stairs and courageously marched up to 
the attic to beard the burglar to his 
face. 



A girl would shriek with horror if 
you invited her to have an onion. But 
she will go down street so pungent 
with perfume that you can't keep on 
the same block with her. 

And don't you believe for a minute 
that all the classy liars are in the war 
zone writing for the papers. There is 
the lad who tells his wife that he never 
plays higher than a 5-ceut limit in 
the little games at the club. 

We would not be the weather man 
for all of John D.'s rocks, for him do 
all the kickers pan with every brand 
of knocks. They raise their voice in 
loud complaining, they rave and rant 
and swear, they cuss him awful when 
it's raining, they cuss him when it's 
fair. There's nothing the man does 
that suits, although he does his best, 
he can't please the sour-mugged 
galoots ; they never let him rest. We 
would not be the weather guy, forever 
getting bumps. If it should come to a 
choice, why we'd rather be an umps ! 

Famous Heads. 
Crowned 
Wooden 
Mutton 
Pin 
Figure 
Swell 
Bone 
Pudd'n 
Block 

Don't you believe for a minute that 
a milliner hasn't the whole bunch 
skinned as a diplomat. When she 
wants to sell an expensive hat, she 
tells the customer that some woman 
the customer doesn't like is thinking 
of buying it. 

Poor Simp ! 
Here lies what's left of Heinrich 
Hunn ; 
We would he had been wiser ; 
He walked up to Marse Watterson, 
And honored, "Hoch der Kaiser !" 

Our Daihi Ditty. 
Married. 
Harried. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



203 



Talking about your eternal-fitness- 
of-things, just lamp this list of attrac- 
tions at the Columbia theatre : 

"September Morn" was followed by 
Nat Goodwin. 

Nat Goodwin is followed by "Every- 
woman." 

"Everywoman" is followed by "The 
Garden of Allah." 

"The Garden of Allah" is followed 
by "Safety First." 

Welcome Words. 
"I'm going to raise your salary." 
"This one's on me." 
"Here's that five, old man." 
"That's good to me." 
"Yes, dearest, I'll be yours." 
"Your credit is good.' 
"You're next." 
"Do have another helping." 
"Sure, I'll be glad to endorse it." 
"Inclosed find check." 
"Safe!" 

It's funny how a skinny old cow 
that nobody in his senses would give 
$15.75 for suddenly expands in value 
to a pedigreed Jersey worth $125.00, 
if a cent, when a train hits her. 

The Hearst papers are still hydro- 
phobing over British seizures at sea, 
but have nothing to say about the mil- 
lion Armenians done to death by their 
appetizing Turkish friends. 

The Psalmist said in his haste that 
all men are Hearst Washington cor- 
respondents. 

But even the legislature can't pre- 
vent the mercury taking a drop when 
it feels like it. 

With all due respect to Henry Ford, 
what's needed is a peace-step that isn't 
a goose-step. 

A Paris hospital hopes to restore 
faces ruined in the war; but nothing 
can restore the reputations. 

Advent of the short skirt has made 
our national anthem's first line : "Oh, 
say, can you see," more impressively 
appropriate than ever. 



A bore is a man who tries to talk to 
you about himself when you want to 
talk to him about yourself. 

"Does Bryan really like the hyphen?" 
asks an editor. Well, we can't answer 
for any except "50-50." 

Count that day queer in which when 
dusk is nigh, sir, the correspondents 
have not killed the Kaiser. 

Looks like another victory in Greece 
for Sofia and Sophie. 

Constantinople will spare no pains 
to please the Kaiser on his approach- 
ing visit, it being understood that even 
a special Armenian massacre has been 

arranged to celebrate the great event. 

* * * 

There is simply no telling how much 
money those Germans blow in for 
blow-ups. 

Since the foreign nobility crop was 
cut off, rich American girls are even 
more peerless than ever. 

The more waist, the less speed. 

Pull for America or pull out. 

"Scotch peer criticizes government." 
A Highland fling, so to speak. 

Oyster Bay, L. I., still seems to be 
one of our leading exclamation points. 

Somebody asks us if we are with 
Mr. Bryan in his unpreparedness 
propaganda. No, sirree — this here is 

a spinal column. 

* * * 

If Mr. Post's portrayal is authorita- 
tive, the late Col. Khayyam was prob- 
ably the luckiest tippler who ever 
inhaled a quart. It was only four or 
five steps home from the tavern — and 
nary a keyhole in the house. 

"85 Die . . . King George Sends Let- 
ter of Sympathy to Victims," reports 
the New York American. We doubt 
if it does them much good. 

Most of the stock phrases of every- 
day life are intelligible to us, and we 
know a jot, but we wish somebody 
would tell us what a tittle is. 



204 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Greece has the cutest little scheme 
of all. When there is a majority of 
deputies against the king, the army is 
mobilized and the recalcitrant dep- 
uties ordered to join it. Then the king 
promptly orders an election for dep- 
uties. 

Watson Bell thinks that dentists 
should make good poker players be- 
cause they are fine at filling. Our ex- 
perience has been that they draw well, 
too. 

We charitably assume that the bar 
to which the Memphis Commercial Ap- 
peal says they are bringing Col. Bryan 
is not the kind with a foot-rest. 

It certainly is pathetic, the way 
hordes of German-Americans who 
always voted the Republican ticket are 
falling away from the President. 

Vain regrets never get a man any- 
thing, but sometimes we can't help 
wishing we had been a sophomore in 
the college where Bro. Hearst was a 
freshman. 

Speaking of natural advantages as 
an infallible protection against inva- 
sion, you recall, of course, how splen- 
didly the Alps protected Italy against 
Hannibal and Napoleon. 

"I can not keep my hands off things 
that belong to others," explained a 
New York prisoner. We have noticed 
a similar complaint in certain promi- 
nent European circles. 

If the short skirt had been in vogue 
in the prodigal son's day, he wouldn't 
have had to go home to see a fatted 
calf, especially if there was a little 
breeze stirring. 

We appreciate more than tongue or 
Smith Premier No. 2 can tell the kind 
greetings of the newspaper and other 
friends who remembered us with 
Christmas cards, polka-dot ties, etc., 
and It is perhaps needless to state 
that we reciprocate every blessed 
greeting with all our tobacco heart. 
But we desire to say to our good 
friend Ed Lambright that we entertain 



absolutely no ambition to live to be 
1,000 years old, like Methusalum, Noah, 
King Lear and the other patriarchs 
mentioned in the Bible. Think of being 
about 972 years old, Ed, with all your 
friends dead and gone hundreds and 
hundreds of years ago and all the pret- 
ty girls not giving you a second glance 
when you meet on the street, and your 
hair and your teeth departed long 
since; so blind you couldn't see a 
shapely ankle; so deaf you couldn't 
hear a child's silvery laughter, and Old 
Colonel Stomach such a wreck that 
you couldn't even take a little sump'n 
every now and then — nothing but a 
little spinach or stewed okra, say, twice 
a day. You can live to be 1,000, old 
dear, but not for us. We intend to 
reach the ripe old age of 250, get on 
the outside of a quart of champagne, 
draw the draperies of our couch around 
us and lie down to pleasant dreams 
with a smile on our withered lips. 

A prudish man, be it confessed, 

Is Mr. Benny Bliss ; 
He will not watch a pool game lest 

He see the ivories kiss. 

Why Switzerland is Prepared. 
Belgium. 
Luxemburg. 
Servia. 
Greece. 
Montenegro. 

Cuss the Luck! 

Ah, tough it is when one's sunk deep 

Within the seignory of sleep 

To think of some bright paragraph 

That's sure to make the peepul 

laugh. 

And eager wake, to find, by jing. 

That he's forgot the doggone thing. 
» » » 

International Monakers. 
Anatole France. 
Mark Hamburg. 
Mario Ancona. 
Irving Berlin. 
George Allan England. 
Archbishop Ireland. 
Jack London. 

A Ford and his money are soon 
parted. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



205 



Appropriate Residence Streets. 
For the newlyweds : Rice. 
For the pessimists : Indigo. 
For the swains : Lady. 
For the smokers : Tobacco. 
For the preachers : Divine. 
For the freshmen : Green. 
For the dancers : Assembly. 
For the millers : Wheat. 
For the wood dealers : Oak, Pine 
and Lumber. 

For the florists : Blossom. 
For the politicians : Bull. 

The most precise young she we know 

Is Miss Amanda Rames; 
She calls the place where people go 

To exercise, the James. 

'Ware o' the Subs, Hennery I 
It is the good ship Flivver that will 

sail the wintry sea, 
And I'm almighty thankful that she is 
not taking me ! 

Fruit cake and hard sauce 

And blackberry jelly 
Are good, but they give you 

A very griping and distressing agi- 
tation in the abdominal region. 

Add Famous Jacks. 
O'Lantern. 
Johnson. 
High. 
Full. 

Black 

Sonville. 

We used to think a full-fed tabby 
purring away in front of the kitchen 
stove like a house afire was the last 
word in friendliness. But did you ever 
notice the persistence of a puppy dog 
in its frantic and futile attempts to 
jump up and lick your nose? And that 
leads us to another thought. If all 
men were as reliable and staunch and 
true as some dogs are, this would be a 
100 per cent, better world. 

When Greece showed her hand she 

knuckled down. 

» » • 

In the matter of the short skirts, the 
eyes have it. 



Famous Horses. 
Stalking. 
Dark. 
Charley. 
Trojan. 
High. 
Hobby. 

"Carranza strings up bandits as 
warning." If to the bandits, it must be 
regarded as highly successful. 

"Czar Sends Pink Jade as Gift to 
Mikado" ; but what on earth does 
Mutsuhito expect to do with her? 

"You can't rattle Bryan," declares 
an admirer. Oh, we don't know. You 
might take him out in a Ford. 

For that matter. Colonel Bryan, 
Stonewall Jackson was a Presbyterian 
elder, too. 

"The Kaiser still flits from front to 
front," observes an exchange. Yep, 
you might almost say the theatre of 
war has a constant change of Bill. 

"Uncle Joe is still in Congress," says 
Mr. Taft. Radical change in the old 
gentleman since last we knew him. 

If you want to know Europe's senti- 
ment regarding war, read the remark 
of Mr. Poe's well-known raven. 

Germany apparently believes in 
fighting the enemy with fire and sword 
— sword in Europe and fire over here. 

Our notion of a soldier of fortune is 

one who hasn't been killed yet. 

* * * 

Peace is priceless, but not at any 
price. 

Syndicate newspaper photograph is 
captioned, "King of Greece on the 
wall." Anybody can see him on the 
fence. 



To make a long story short- 
sor. 



-the cen- 



Practically all the papers we see ap- 
pear unanimously to have found Henry 
Ford guilty of doing as he likes with 
his owa. money. 



206 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



The old-fashioned woman who 
thought It was Perfectly Scandalous to 
waltz now has a daughter who hesi- 
tates and fox-trots from 9 p. m. until 
6 a. m. every other night or so. 

Mr. Ford's favorite author is Thack- 
eray. We suppose that middle name 
had Henry rooting for him from the 
beginning, 

"We suppose the first thing the suffs 
will do when they get in power is to 
order that thenceforth all the prayers 
end with "Awomen." 

It's a funny slanguage. One man 
tells you Ford is a nut, and other says 
he is off his nut. And they both mean 
the same thing. 

A 35-year-old dame can drop five 
years from her age and fool most of 
the men. But she can't fool the other 
women. 

We see by the Berlin dispatches that 
the latest German hunt for the British 
Navy was an unqualified success. They 
didn't find it. 

Certainly our dogs of war need to 
be adequately wardrobed. At present 
they have nothing but their pants. 

News from Servia, Mesopotamia and 
Gallipoli give "murdering the King's 

English" an added significance. 

* # * 

Germany reports a serious decline in 
the birth rate. Among the other sins 
this war has to answer for is taking 
pop out of population. 

No wonder T. R. and "Billy" Sunday 
denounce the Ford trip so bitterly, as it 
has crowded them off the front page 
back among the liver-pill ads. 

There may be something more in- 
gratiating than the smile a colored man 
who once did you some trifling service 
will wear around Christmas time, but 
we never saw it. 

Women are cute. If they can't get 
what they want out of him by talking 
for two hours, they know they can 
get it by crying for two minutes. 



"Young Americans who watch Eng- 
land in the present war will readily un- 
derstand how we won our independ- 
ence," says the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. 
Not knocking our esteemed ancestors, 
of course. 

It is to be doubted if Mary's little 
lamb was half as tractable as Sophie's. 

Add Life's-Little-Tragedies. 

The German blew up a Yankee pow- 
der factory to see if we would stand 
for it. 

We did. 

Most of the anti-preparedness squeals 
appear to come from the pork barrel. 

We see by the papers that the last 
survivor of the Monitor is dead again. 
Our understanding is that there are 
only 10,987 of these patriots left among 

us now. 

« » • 

"That is the message we bring you 
(Congress) from the American people," 
winds up a New York American edi- 
torial. How long has Hearst been the 
American people, anyway? 

Sometimes it seems as if most of our 
prominent politicians put in practically 
all their time trying to get a column or 
so of free advertising in the paper over 
their signatures. 

Another amusing little feature of the 
situation is Berlin sternly demanding 
that the British conduct their naval 
warfare in accordance with the princi- 
ples of justice and humanity. 

Timid suggestion to the Hon. Charlie 
Chaplin: Why not fall down once or 
twice? 

Montenegro's truce with Austria in- 
dicates that she has lost her interest as 
well as her capital. 

Nothing is certain but death, taxes, 
and the fact that no given Headache 
is worth any given Jag. 

"Women have peace aim," says a 
headline. Well, it's 100 to 1 they'll 
miss it. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



207 



We didn't raise our Boy-Ed to be a 
nuisance. 

France calls out 400,000 mere boys — 
for the infantry, of course. 

This is no year for the pork Con- 
gressmen to go the whole hog. 

Money talks. And one bunch of it 
is talking a lot of foolishness. 

Fords rush in where Wilsons fear to 
tread. 

Ford's expedition is to be filmed. 
What'll they call it— The Birth of a 
Notion? 

What has become of the old-fash- 
ioned boy who used to want to run 
away to sea? 

Rio Janeiro cables that the nation is 
aroused over the question of prepared- 
ness. They're not all Brazil nuts down 
there. 

It's not keeping the wolf from the 
door that bothers many a hard-working 
papa so much as keeping the stork 
from it. 

Count that day queer, in which when 
eve is nigh they have not nabbed an- 
other German spy. 

There is a growing suspicion that 
those Austrian replies to our notes 
were also "Made-in-Germany." 

When a man has been married a few 
years, he realizes that the best bet is to 
apologize humbly to her, whether he 
did it or not. 

We realize that mere man has no 
business criticising what any dear 
creatcher chooses to wear, but fur 
around the neck and on the shoe tops 

does seem rather going to extremes. 

* * ♦ 

And if you get too thirsty on the 
grand old w. wagon, just remember 
that it has springs. 

"I sat down in a vacant chair," quoth 
Hon. Irvin Cobb, in The Saturday 
Evening Post. Are you quite sure, 
Irv.? 



Berlin will observe that red tape can 
produce a pink slip. 

The Colonel's hat is in the ring, and 
there is a strong suspicion that there's 
a brick under it. 

We see by the papers that the atti- 
tude of Greece's new premier will con- 
tinue to be one of benevolent congealed 
props. 

"What is more emblematic of tri- 
umph than the crowing rooster?" asks 
the Springfield Republican. Well, 
there is a cackling hen. 

The Entente has sent Athens another 
note. It's getting to be a regular Greek 
letter society. 

Our observation has been that a 
brisk, windy day will send cotton up 
higher than the bull ever did. 

Wilhelm says that in the end he will 
bring his enemies to their knees, and 
it's likely enough, but the knees will 
be firmly planted in his abdomen. 

Some men are born ivory-domed, and 
others pass up a patrick straight under 
the guns in the hope of getting a raise. 

You may not have very much sense. 
But if you have enough to keep your 
mouth shut and look wise, it will not 
be long before you acquire a wide rep- 
utation as a fountain of Wisdom. 

The Chicago Tribune has its anat- 
omy badly mixed. It says that "Cap- 
tain Jack Crawford was wounded four 
times under the starry banner," 
whereas it was really in the thick of 
the fight. 

It takes all kinds of people to make 
a world, including the syndicate writer 
who solemnly announces that the 
Kaiser traces his descent way back 
yonder to one of the vestal virgins of 

ancient Rome. 

» * * 

Grape juice, women and song! 

We call them our English cousins, 
and it does look as if they spent most 
of their time trying to cozen us. 



208 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



"Twelve Democrats Injured in Col- 
lapse of Grandstand in Pennsylvania." 
Headline. Who would have suspected 
there were that many of us there? 

Before they are married, he raves 
about her curves. But after they are 
hitched up he finds out that she is 
strong on control, too. 

Oh. if old Sister Nature had only 
given us an extra little arm on our 
collar-bones that we could scratch our 
backs conveniently with ! 

When a Southern mob runs amuck, 
Northern editors begin to run a muck- 
rake. 

Georgia's peach crop remains appre- 
ciably greater than her peacher crop. 

Mary Pickford says that too many 
women are flat-busted. Well, at this 
time of the year they haven't anything 
on most of the men that way. 

One of the first things a baby learns 
is to put his foot into his mouth. And 
a whole lot of 'em never break them- 
selves of the habit when they grow up. 

No wonder Mr. Lansing's pictures 
show him smiling — almost everybody 
is willing to indorse his notes. 

It's only Santa's coming down the 
chimney that keeps many a childish 
hope from going up the spout. 

Well, it takes Christmas to break 
the Solid South. 

When the father of a red-headed girl 
named Edith May has money, she is 
always Edythe Mae and her hair is 
Titian. 

Love's young dream would get an 
awful jolt if some young men could see 
the way she looks next morning in a 
kimono with her hair in curl papers. 

Some people are such rampant peace- 
at-auy-pricers that they won't even go 
sleighing. 

Could you call a belated Christmas 
shopper a counter-irritant? 



The Macon Telegraph says the G. 
O. P. wants a strong Presidential can- 
didate, "and wants him bad." Well, 

there's Uncle Joe ! 

* * * 

We know one man in this town who 
is such a staunch prohibitionist that 
he won't even set foot in church when 
the pews are full. 

Austria looks to be quite as compe- 
tent at evasion as invasion. 

The quickest way to learn how many 
friends you have is to go out and try 
to borrow money from some of 'em. 

When a woman hires a new servant 
she always hopes she'll have some in- 
teresting gossip about the people she 

worked for before. 

* * * 

Greece's idea of a stolen base seems 
to be Salonica. 

"Can women keep a secret?" asks an 
exchange. They can keep it going, all 

right, all right. 

* * # 

At that, absence doesn't make the 

heart grow half as fond as presents. 

* * * 

It looks as if Germany is willing to 
do anything under the sun for a place 

in it. 

* * * 

Hon. Mikado apparently forgets that 
China is to be handled with care. 

Now it's up to Lansing to see what a 
word to the unwise will do. 

Here is a little quotation we try to 
remember to print every Christmas- 
tide, because we believe it does good 
every time it sees the light, and we 
know few things as appropriate to the 
season : "I expect to pass through this 
world but once. Any good, therefore, 
that I can do, or any kindness that I 
can show to any fellow creature let me 
do it now. Let me not defer or neglect 
it, for I shall not pass this way again." 

All the atrocities are not confined to 
the war zone. There are the New Eng- 
land bards who try to write negro 
dialect. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES, 



209 



A Sure Thing. 
A body of Bible students 
Out there in Arkansaw 
Or somewhere 
Has decided after due 
Deliberation 
That there is no 
Hell. 
No hell? 

We'll bet those ginks 
Never woke in the early a. m. 
With their esteemed tongues feeling 
Like an overgrown 
Sofa-pillow, 

And a thousand little devils 
Trip-hammering at the base of 
Their so-called brains, 
Laughing mockingly all the while. 
They never saw 
An obese pink camel 
Hitched to an orange landau 
Wherein two elephants of brilliant 

green 
Majestically sat 
Flirting their palm-leaf fans. 
They never saw — 
But that will do, we guess, 
For this time, 
Oh, there's a hell. 
All right, all right! 

A Feiv Munchausen Forgot. 
"No trouble at all, I assure you." 
"Do come and see us some time !" 
"I'll pay you back tomorrow, sure." 
"Guaranteed full weight." 
"The Whiskey Without a Headache." 
"You're looking fine." 
"I'm only a little winner." 

Every now and then you come across 
a Southern politician who isn't always 
wailing to the Peepul that the Corpor- 
ations and the Monied Interests are 
iersecuting him and trying to make 
a Martyr of him. 

There are just about 98,765,4.32 va- 
rieties of fools in this world. And 
heading the procession are the people 
who spend twice their incomes to make 
other people think they are rich. 

The British may be washing their 
dirty linen in public, but, at any rate, 
they are wa.shing it. 



Famous Jacks. 

Tar. 

Ketch. 

Union. 

Flap. 

A. Napes. 

Sprat. 

Frost. 

The Giant-killer. 

Horner. 

Daw. 

Yellow. 

Robinson. 

The Ripper. 

Ass. 

* ♦ * 

Our All-European Team. 
LE— Von Kluck. 
LT — Mackensen. 
LG— Haig. 

C — Jellicoe. 
RG — Romanoff. 
RT— Cadorna. 
RE — Enver Pasha. 

Q — Ferdinand. 
LHB— .Joffre. 
RHB— Kitchener. 
FB — Von Hindenburg. 
Water Boy — Bernard Shaw. 

Spon.sors — Mrs. Pankhurst and Sis- 
ter Sophie. 

If there is one thing that acquires 
our nanny, it is a man boasting about 
his Virtue, when, as a matter of fact, 
he probably hadn't enough sense for 
Temptation to waste time on. 

When a baby is snub-nosed and red- 
eyed and evinces signs that it has the 
amiability of a drunk pugilist, mother's 
mother always knows that it takes 
after its father, and father's mother 
always knows that it is the living 
image of its mother. 

Human nature, take it all in all, to 
say nothing of by and large, is a pretty 
sinful old scoundrel, and we suppose 
the men will always pay a good deal 
more attention to the illlustrated cor- 
set and lingerie advertisements than 
they ought to. 

"Austrians bombard Verona, killing 
28," but we trust the celebrated two 
gentlemen were not among them. 



210 



POEMS AND PARAaRAPIIS 



Complete returns from all the muni- 
tions plants indicate that a lot of 
hyphens are burnin,t: with indignation. 

Servia began the war with 250,000 
men, of wluun Berlin, Vienna and Solia 
have captured to date 1,G54,;>21. 

What has become of the old-fash- 
ioned kings who used to have family 
reunions about this time of the year? 

Senator Penrose seems to be under 
the impression that a man qualifies as 
Presidential timber merely because he 
has a lumbering gait. 

The Kaiser is sick, and Von Tirpitz 
is sinking fast. 

"American women have backbone," 
declares an editor. They have. And 
the ladies' evening gowns show it 
pretty plainly, too. 

If it is true, as the St. Louis Post- 
Dispatch asserts, that woman is now 
"the equal of man in every particular," 
it certainly was the deuce of a come- 
down. 

Somebody nuist have told the 
Georgia negro preacher who tried so 
hard to get aboard the Oscar II that 
the hatchway was where they keep the 
chickens. 

* « « 

One of the greatest troubles with 
this poor old world is the circiun- 
stance that the Fool Killer appears to 
stay so seldom on his job. 

Probably nothing puts one of us hick 
paragraphers in a better humor than 
writing something cutting and sar- 
castic about New York. 

Mr. Arthur Brisbane says that all 
the greatest men have blue eyes, and 
by one of the queerest coincidences 
imaginable, Mr. Brisbane has blue eyes, 
too. 

The old-fashioned woman who 
thought tights were Fearfully Im- 
modest now has a daughter who owns 
a drug store complexion and keeps 
her skirts hiked ui) half-way to her 
knees. 



A Cincinnati woman says that 
thousands have died from kissing. 
O death, where is thy sting! 

The jingoes seem to think it is 
Wishy Washington. 

We suppose it will be the proud 
boast of the future "400" that their 
ancestors went over on the Oscar II. 

Irvin Cobb says the war zone looks 
like hell. How that man has traveled ! 

It is understood that Senator Ijodge 
is so snobbish he won't even look at a 
bill before it has been introduced. 



Keep a Presidential bee and 

stung. 



?et 



We are tliinking of naming our pet 
Leghorn "Constantine." Whenever we 
see her, she's on the fence showing a 
white feather. 

A woman's idea of a snappy and 
business-like telephone conversation is 
when she doesn't talk more than tifteen 
minutes. 

"Mary Full Stomach," says the 
Pittsburgh Post, "has a government job 
in Washington." Interior Department, 
of course. 

We see by the papers that the Turks 
now call the Kaiser Midiib Ul Islam, 
but we have heard him called a lot 
worse than that. 

Wo are inexpressibly rejoiced at the 
circumstance that to date Elder Caine, 
l\V a gigantic effort of the will, has 
refrained from saying anything about 
Lord Astor's now being among the 
flower of the nobility. 

Ananias was considerable liar. But 
if he ever heard a politician explaining 
that he decided to make the race with 
extreme reluctance and only after the 
persistent solicitations of many friends, 
Ananias would go off and try to get 
himself a reputation. 

We should get more light on 
preparedness now. Congress having 
turned on the gas. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



211 



One of the hardest things for the 
average man to realize is that people 
who argue the other way on some 
exciting issue may not he getting paid 
for it. 

We know one girl in this town who 
is so proper she won't even refer to a 
Greek as a Hellene. 

We are probably getting very old- 
fogyi.sh and all that, but personally we 
never could see where a sprinkling of 
hells and damns added much to a col- 
lege yell. 

« « » 

We call Columbus a hero because 
he crossed the ocean in a leaky little 
tub. But Columbus hasn't a thing on 
the woman who marries a man to re- 
form him. 

* » « 

What the pacifists want is a Kitchin 
Cabinet. 

Add current humor : "Berlin regrets 
Whitlock's going." 

Speaking of first downs, tliere are 
those college boy mustaches. 

Mr. Hearst evidently doesn't own a 
single mine or ranch in Great Britain. 

What has become of the old-fa.sh- 
ioned women who used to marry Nat 
Goodwin ? 

Every woman knows that this would 
be a fine world if other women were 
only half as tactful and considerate as 
she is. 

Before they are married, he tells her 
that he sleeps like a log. But later 
she finds that he means a log going 
througla a saw-mill. 

In picking Biblical examples of pre- 
paredness, don't forget Noah. 

"Browning's lines fail to pass cen- 
sor." Not even Pippa passes. 

Poor little Servia might even be 
referred to as the footbalkan State. 

♦— Ezekiel. 

* — Batted for Wilson in the ninth. 



With Italy reporting lack of food- 
stuffs, that old saw may have to be 
changed to "See Naples and diet." 

We suppose Mrs. Leslie Cotton, who 
has come over here from Paris to 
paint still life, will proceed at once to 
North Ca'lina. 

The New York American says Eng- 
land should respect our rights as much 
as Austria and Germany do. Weil, 
doesn't she? 

Is von Jagow's silence golden or just 

guilt? 

« * « 

The Allies seem to have come out of 

the little end of the Horn. 

* * « 

Some men are born rich, and others 
become personal attorneys for a New 
Haven director. 

Now that they have legislated pints 
out of the hip-pockets, why can't they 
do it with pistols? 

A whole lot of epitaphs are monu- 
mental liars. 

How awful it must be to live in a 
country like Germany where an edi- 
tor can't call the ruler a coward, a 
weakling and a friend of murderers 
when he wants to. 

Once upon a time a Dixie girl got 
into the Yank newspapers who wasn't 
a "member of a prominent and aris- 
tocratic Southern family." 

When you come to think of it, block- 
ade does sound a good deal like block- 
head. 

Mr. Bryan is such a pacifist that it 
is understood he won't even let The 
Commoner's news editor kill a story. 

"Couldn't lie on either side," goes an 
advertising headline. The gentleman, 
whoever he is, would make a bum poli- 
tician. 

The best piece of diplomacy the 
Kaiser ever pulled off was when he 
married his sister to Prince Constan- 
tine of Greece, 



212 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Lewis and Speaker must be direct 

descendants of those Hittites. 
» » » 

Servia needs succor, but Greece 

steadfastly maintains that she's not 

one. 



Modern revision : 
for defense !" 



"Ninety millions 



T. R. calls for "sound Americanism," 
and it must be said that his brand is 
sound — all sound. 

It looks to be high time the British 
were sending Lord Helpus to the 
front. 

Kaiser weeps for France again. 
He's bent on getting into boo-hoos who. 

Add Journalistic Goat-Getters : 
"Carnival of crime." 
"Baptism of fire." 
"In no uncertain terms." 

"The point we have made is not any 
self-glorification." — New York Ameri- 
can. Perish the thought ! Witness, for 
example, these excerpts from the same 
issue : 

"Wagner Gives Credit to New York 
American." 

"Noted Men Praise New York Amer- 
ican's Great Ship Victory." 

"In every quarter credit was given to 
the New York American ." 

"It was considered that The Ameri- 
can had scored a brilliant triumph." 

Any idea that Bro. Hearst ever 
makes a point for self-glorification is 
manifestly ludicrous. Bro. Hearst is 
the shrinking violet among the jour- 
nalistic sunflowers. 

The Biography of a Liner. 
Passenger list. 
Starboard list. 
Survivor's list. 

Add Journalistic Goat-Getters : 
"Chilled to the marrow." 
"Quiet wedding." 
"Sturdy gridiron warriors." 

"Ran roughshod over ." 

"Teeth of the gale." 
"Everything conspired to." 



Why is it a girl will be tickled to 
death when you tell her she is as 
pretty as a picture and want to mas- 
sage your cerebellum with a brick if 
you tell her she is as pretty as a 
painting? 

Palmetto Revisions. 
A book of verses underneath the bough, 
A loaf of bread, a jug of ginger ale, 

and thou 
Beside me sitting in the wilderness — 
Oh, wilderness were paradise enow ! 

Good grape juice needs no bush. 

Use a little coca-cola for thy stomach's 
sake. 



And buttermilk that maketh 
heart of man. 



?lad the 



Look not upon the Satanet when it is 
pink. 

For in my youth, I never did apply 
Hot and rebellious limeade to my blood. 

So all my days I'll sing the praise 
Of brown October Hires' root beer. 

We cordially thank the Tampa car- 
nival officials who invite us down there 
and promise, in just those words, to 
treat us like royalty, but recent little 
incidents in Belgium and Servia con- 
vince us unalterably that we have not 
the remotest desire to be treated like 
royalty at this time. 

For Preparedness. 
Senator Gore 
Ex-Governor Fort 
Joseph G. Cannon 
Walter Camp 
James Montgomery Flagg. 

Here lies what's left of Heinrich Haj, 

Who was a friend of mine 
'Ere the mutt strolled through Oyster 
Bay 

And sang, "Die Wacht am Rhein." 

"I am indeed a wretched wight," 
The cabbage groaning said. 

"I must have had too much last night, 
For I have such a head." 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



213 



" 'A handbook for Husbands* is 
listed among the current humorous 
productions."- — Literary note. 
"Handbook for Husbands !" Well, by 
jing, 

Its wit should be right merry. 
How would it do to call the thing 

A benedictionary? 

How Sad! 
The redskins used to own this land, 

Its rivers, vales and peaks ; 
But now, poor things, we understand 

They only have the Creeks. 

"I have seen three queens and two 
kings," announces spiritualistic George 
Anderson. So have we, Geo. And 
what they did to our three jacks and 
two nines is too melancholy to tell 
here. 

For villains such as Benny Bidds 
We need some stringent laws : 

He is the man who tells his kids 
There is no Santa Glaus. 

Biography of a Teuton Attache. 

1. Unsafe conduct. 

2. Safe conduct. 

Suppose we had followed Germany's 
Belgian example and burned Port au 
Prince and killed the inhabitants when 
two of our men were shot by snipers ! 

The newspaper is supposed to be the 
most complete and timely purveyor of 
information, but we were never able to 
see that it had anything on a summer 
hotel sewing-circle. 

"Villa Flees With 400."— Headline. 
Won't Newport be shocked? 

A critic says that "Damaged Goods" 
calls a spade a spade. Also, it calls a 
rake a rake. 

It's literally correct to speak of a 
Mexican military confab as a "general 

assembly." 

» * * 
We presume that new seagoing "baby 
submarine" is especially adapted for 
squalls. 

David Lloyd-George may be Welsh, 
but in a crisis he never does. 



If Russia dictates peace we certainly 
pity the stenographers. 

It's a table government Mexico needs 
as badly as a stable one. 

The time for words may have passed, 
as T. R. asserts, but you can't make 
the sisters believe it. 

John Bull likes a roast, and we see 
by the Southern exchanges that he's 
getting it right along. 

If the esteemed headline writers will 
entertain a suggestion, couldn't valu- 
able time and space be saved by writing 
it "Germericans"? 

Somebody asks the Indianapolis 
News who wrote the poem entitled 
"God Give Us Men." Our guess is that 
it was some old maid. 

Peace-at-any-price also passeth un- 
derstanding. 

Mr. Bryan's family tree must bear 
olive branches. 

Austrian seaplane has bombarded 
Venice, but it is thought that all the 
trolley cars escaped uninjured. 

Austria has put a price of $4,000 on 
d'Annunzio's head. Most poets can't 
get a tithe of that for their feet. 

Well, one German offensive is out of 
business, the Fatherland having just 
forbidden the export of limburger. 

Nothing in this old vale of tears 
comforts a fat woman more than see- 
ing another woman who is fatter than 
she is. 

Every woman knows this would be 
a Grand Old World if 6very other 
woman were as tactful and thoughtful 
as herself. 

Epsom, we read, has been turned 
into a vast hospital — for the salts, no 

doubt. 

* * * 

That Austrian note is not above crit- 
icism, but on the whole it is probably 
one of the best Herr von Jagow ever 
wrote. 



214 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Tiiiiid suggestion to the Kaiser : Why 
not occasionally invoke the Almighty? 

Georgia, we believe, is strongly 
against the recall of judges, especially 
Judge Lynch. 

If he who runs may read, Russia 
certainly needs no compulsory educa- 
tion campaign. 

Von Hindenburg may be a grim sol- 
dier, but he certainly seems to have 
taking ways. 

Although Mexico may not have a 
Moses, it isn't because of any lack of 

bull rushes. 

* * * 

Anyway, Turkey warns Christendom 
of impending massacres, which is more 
that the apostles of kultur did to the 
old women and babies in Scarborough, 
Hartlepool, and Whitby. 

It takes all kinds of mutts to make a 
world, including the one who thinks he 
can win in an argument with a woman. 

Tom Watson appears to be Georgia's 
him of hate. 

The Ottoman isn't the only seat of 
war. There's Sedan. 

We remind the farmers that nobody 
can penalize them for holding. 

Americans are tolerably neutral, but 
Edison, Wright, Lake and Ford con- 
stitute a quadruple entente we can all 
back. 

Moses called Canaan the Land of 
Promise. But he never knew anything 
about Germany. 

The poets call married life a grand, 
sweet song, and every married man 
knows it's a solo. 

The Ford paraphrase: '"Tis better 
to have doved and lost than never to 
have doved at all." 

War yarns naturally deal with the 
worsted. 

AVe never look a gift White Horse 
in the mouth. 



When money talks, nobody cares 
what kind of grammar it uses. 

But oh, for the taste of a vanished fizz, 
And the clink of the glass that is still ! 

Mr. Wilson is pushing preparedness, 
but he seems to count more on his pull. 

Some men are born fools, and others 
try to sell toilet articles in poor old 
Mexico. 

Germany hasn't all the kultur. Most 
of the Greeks we know are men of 
polish. 

Things We Dream About. 

Finding $100,000. 

Being left a huge fortune by a 
wealthy old relative. 

Hugging B*ll* B*r*e. 

Being drafted by Bro. Hearst at a 
salary of $75,000 a year. 

Enlisting with the Allies and win- 
ning a Victoria Cross. 

Marrying a beautiful heiress. 

Being sent a crate of imported 
Scotch. 

Buying a luxurious twin-six. 

Dismissal of all those Annapolis 
fourth-classmen certainly is rough on 

rats. 

« « • 
Add current humor : "I'm gonna quit 
at 12 o'clock POSITIVELY, win or 

lose." 

» » " 
The Psalmist said in his haste that 
all men are income-tax returners. 

There's no true neutrality anywhere. 
Even the eclipse was partial. 

All the tom cats we know seem to 
have been born into the Mormon faith. 

What has become of the old-fash- 
ioned kid who was glad he wasn't a 
girl because the girls wore so many 
clothes. 

England's decision to let Germany's 
peroxide exports pass ought to be good 
news to the bleachers. 

"The Winning of the West," Vol. II, 
by Woodrow Wilson. Preparedness 
Edition. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



215 



Sometimes we sit and wonder in our 
idle way if tliere is a woman anywhere 
you can toucli without a hidden pin 
ramming a couple of inches into your 

poor old finger. 

* * » 

Mme. Yvette Guilbert finds the new 
generation of Americans "shorter in 
the legs." Funny, after the way the 
women pull 'em. 

The Kinston News says the nature 
fakers are trying to make Turkey the 
goat. Well, anyway, they couldn't 
make Turkey quail. 

Probably the quickest way to get in 
good with a woman is to praise her 
looks. And the next quickest is to 
praise her cooking. 

Most of our Southern exchanges 
seem to favor that proposed non-par- 
tisan tariff board on condition that 
they are all good Democrats. 

Practically all the civilized world 
and Germany having recognized Car- 
ranza, it's Mexico's turn. 

"What Will Wilson Talk About?" 
demands the Knoxville Journal and 
Tribune. Probably about forty-five 
minutes. If it were our contem- 
porary's friend, Theodore, he would 
talk about two hours and forty-five 
minutes. 

By the way, what has become of the 
old-fashioned Kipling who used to 
write sarcastic poems about Russia? 

Penrose says the Democrats have 
betrayed the country. We'll concede 
that Penrose was always true to his 
trust. 

The New York police have censored 
a performance of the Russian ballet in 
which the Sultan returns unexpectedly 
to find the ladies of the harem sport- 
ing with the slaves and has the whole 
outfit executed on the spot. We sup- 
pose the idea of these intellectual 
giants is that the Sultan should have 
ordered tea and toast for the company 
and gone around delightedly embracing 
the slaves. 



Qermania. 

A great War Goddess, ringed around 
with foes. 

Rent, throat and bosom, the crimson 
welling through 

Her burnished armor from half a hun- 
dred wounds, 

Yet still upstanding, grim, indomitable. 

As her swift brand makes play like 
levin's stroke 

Among the encircling pack. Unmer- 
ciful, 

And cruel, aye, and doer of vile deeds 

That time shall link with Herod's and 
the Hun's; 

But yet the picture draws, for such is 
nature 

That men may not withhold reluctant 
praise 

From even the criminal brought to 
bay by force 

Of greater power, who unsurrendering 
stands 

And strikes, not craving quarter, to 
the end. 

1776: "We shall fight until the last 
drop of blood." 

1915: "We shall write until the last 
drop of ink." 

« « « 

How About It, Fitz? 
The drama we hate and grand opry 

disdain ; 
The movies impress us as dull and 

inane. 
While musical comedy gives us a pain. 
There's just one ambition our hope 

doth sustain : 
To see Billie Burke in pajamas again. 

The German governor-general of 
Belgium's reported statement that he 
can not understand Belgian hatred of 
Germany reminds us of that thrilling 
melodrama, "Nellie, the Beautiful 
Cloak Model." In the first act the vil- 
lain pushes Nellie off the Brooklyn 
bridge; later he throws her overboard 
from an Atlantic liner, and finally 
thrusts her under a descending ele- 
vator. The next time they meet he 
anxiou.sly inquires: "Nellie, why do 
you fear me?" 



216 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



The Austrians in the Bessarabian 
theatre claim to have driven General 
Ivanoff. 

Things Never Seen or Heard. 

"No, madam, I'm afraid this candy 
is not very fresh. In fact, we've had 
it in stock for about ten years." 

"The enemy attacked all along the 
line yesterday, driving our troops back 
with great loss. Unless our chicken- 
livered so-called soldiers learn to hit 
the broad side of a barn, and our so- 
called generals use their heads instead 
of their legs, we are goners." 

"I'd cheerfully accept your invita- 
tion, old man, but they say you have 
a rotten cook." 

"I'm concerned with the money, not 
the principle of the thing." 

"I hereby announce my candidacy 

for the office of , as it looks as 

if not a durned friend is going to urge 
me to do it." 

"So that's a snapshot of your girl, 
eh? What a fright!" 

"John and I really don't love you, 
Uncle Gotrox. We are out after some 
of your coin, you old skinflint, you." 

"These goods now $1.98 ; worth pos- 
sibly $1.25." 

A woman always knows that the 
children got all their good qualities 
from her. And she knows that all 
their cussedness was inherited from 
Father. 

The grand old State 

Is filled with woe; 
We're headed straight 

For H20. 

Messrs. George and Sid Beery, fined 
at Colorado Springs for drunkenness, 
give the well-known Bard of Avon's 
observation another jolt in the solar 
plexus. 

If there is really a Shipping Trust, 
no wonder the monej'-worshipping New 
York Sun is for it. The Sun would 
rather kiss Rockefeller's big toe than 
Billie Burke, any day in the week. 

The American nation or the hyphen- 
ation? 



"Allies buying war shoes here," goes 
a headline. Wai" shoes, we i)resume, 
are spats. 

Those insurgent Senators in their 
blindness still refuse to bow down to 
Woody and Stone. 

Sir Stanley Buckmaster is England's 
official censor and poet Watson its 
official incenser. 

* * * 

It's easy to propose to bottle up 
England, but all the Kaiser's corks 
seem to be too small. 

Victorien Sardou beat the German 
Chancellor to it. It develops that his 
play, "Les Pattes de Mouche," (angli- 
cized as "A Scrap of Paper"), was 
produced in 1860. 

As Senator Lodge was not very con- 
spicuous when Tennyson wrote the 
line, "Icily regular, faultily faultless, 
splendidly null," he must have been 
describing somebody else. 

Pull for America or pull out ! 

A neutral is also known by the com- 
pany he avoids. 

Rockefeller's testimony was natur- 
ally illuminating. 

"If Roosevelt gets the United States 
to oppose Germany's presence in Bel- 
gium," begins the New York Herald. 
That editor really ought to change his 
brand. 

If New York could tell all it knows, 
many an eminently respectable (at 
home) Dixie citizen would be hunting 
a nice, large cave. 

Neutrality is also paved with good 
intentions. 



"Kisses at Five Cents Per." 
jitney buss, eh? 



Sort of 



Poor old Turkey's fruits of victory 
appear to be lemons. 

If they would get jobs instead of 
waiting to accept positions, some of 
the army of the unemployed wouldn't 
be that way. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



217 



In the war zone it's a long flank 
that knows no turning. 

German Admiralty's slogan now 
seems to be, "Deutschland unter alles." 

Russia can't drown its sorrows any 
more, but the lucky Crescent can still 
get full. 

Russia claims a big victory in East 
Prussia, but von Hiudenburg is from 
Mazuria. 

Putting the knell in the Dardanelles 
seems to be a tough proposition. 

Revised returns indicate that Sena- 
tor Penrose was reelected by a plural- 
ity of $1,000,000. 

There is no suggestion of Hungarian 
rhapsodies about the Buda-Pest reports 
these days. 

John Bull's reply is most friendly 
and conciliatory, and concedes every- 
thing we didn't ask for. 

"We see by the papers that Sir Ed- 
ward Grey has delivered another 
knight attack. 

President Wilson couldn't disap- 
prove of that British reply any more 
strongly if Earl Grey had split an in- 
finitive. 

If those Constantinople reports of 
the fighting in Persia are credible, the 
Turks have certainly put the ran in 
Teheran. 

One hears a good deal of talk in 
connection with Japan and the Pana- 
ma canal. The idea is that unless we 
strip for the fray we may have to fray 
for the strip. 

An honest man's the noblest work 
of God, but a pretty girl is a very 
close second. 

The key to success in war evidently 
is a skeleton key. 

Shanks' mare is a slow and dodder- 
ing vehicle, but it's rarely that she is 
troubled with a puncture. 



A lot of those pork-barrel "rivers" 
might be classed as current fiction. 

A man who is as honest as the day 
is long often needs watching at night. 

Tempora mutantur et nos matamur 
in illos, as the poet so lucidly and feel- 
ingly put it, and now here's the De- 
troit Free Press on its hind legs de- 
nouncing furiously any encroachment 
on the God-given principle of States' 
Rights. 

Lord Derby, just made England's 
recruiting head, is working like a 

beaver — he's no slouch. 

* * * 

If the Allies can't put the Germans 
off French soil, they seem able at least 
to put some in it. 

Not the least of war's ironies is the 
spectacle of a Turkish general deco- 
rated with a Christian cross. 

The New York Sun refers to the 
"martial difficulties" of a couple figur- 
ing in a divorce suit, and, come to think 
of it, it wasn't such a bad error, after 
all. 

This report of disaffection among the 
Finns certainly looks fishy. 

This weather surely gets your goat 

when Moses has your overcoat. 

* * * 

Wall Street's revision: Be sure you 
can underwrite, then go ahead. 

Having failed to land Greece, the 
Allies must be contented to land in it. 

United, we stand ; three sheets in the 
wind we fall. 

Here is an advertisement from the 
New York Law Journal that may strike 
a few sympathetic chords on Washing- 
ton street: "Lawyer, one year's expe- 
rience, desires change." 

Not the least of war's minor joys for 
Mrs. Hohenzollern must be reading in 
the Turkish papers that her imperial 
spouse has come out flat-footed for 
Mohammed and is now maintaining an 
extensive harem. 



218 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Seems paradoxical that Armenia 
should be a live issue when it's a 
grave issue. 

Probably the most useless thing in 
Mexico is a scabbard. 

Mr. Bryan, however, will remain 
secretary of statement. 

"Can a woman keep a secret?" asks 
an exchange. Yep ; going. 

These "isles of safety" we read of 
in the municipal journals evidently 
aren't the British ones. 

Mr. Bryan still seems to be secretary 
of statements. 

A whole lot of self-made men cer- 
tainly are bum architects. 

Now that it has voted for a suffrage 
referendum, the State ought to change 
its name to Missychusetts. 

The Sei-vian gentleman who named 
that river the Save was no mean hu- 
morist himself. 

Speaking of the eternal fitness of 
things, England's newest warship is 
H. M. S. Broke. 

There are all sorts and conditions of 
darkeys. But you never saw one who 
wouldn't walk 10 miles to a funeral. 

It's different in baseball. But the 
men don't care anything about a girl's 
control, if she has plenty of curves. 

It is a fine thing for a nation to as- 
sert its rights, but it's still finer to be 
in a position to back 'em up. 

The man of the hour in Mexico usu- 
ally lasts about five minutes. 

"What is Wilson up to?" asks an 
exchange. Snuff. 

J. P. Morgan's pastor was present 
when the appendicitis operation took 
place. Can it be that the good man 
was opened with prayer? 

Just now most of us are less con- 
cerned with Russia's Bug than Ger- 
many's humbug. 



Well, if we can't get on with Ger- 
many, we'll simply have to show her 
where she gets off. 

A judge has ruled North Carolina's 
liquor-shipping law invalid, but there's 
nothing sick about the one we have. 

Peace-at-any-price looks more than 
ever like 30 cents. 

That cotton blockade meets our no- 
tion of a British offensive. 

It is understood that Count Zeppe- 
lin's 7Sth birthday was very quietly 
observed in London. 

Never mix your metaphors or your 

drinks. 

* * * 

A few more Broadway slides, and 
we'll have to begin calling it the Bur- 
row of Manhattan. 

All things don't seem to come to him 

who watches and waits. 

* * * 

The unemployment problem doesn't 

affect idle rumor. 

* * * 

We Will Notv Have a Little Music. 
A soldier who fought near Ypres 
Was struck as he started to flee; 

He hopped about crying, 

"Oh, Lordy ! I'm dying !" 
But he'd only been hit in the knee. 

A German whose name was von 

Mulcher 
Had a nose that was hooked like a 
vulture — 
He was ugly as sin 
And addicted to gin, 
But the man was just chock full of 
kultur. 

A Belgian who lived in Malines 
Saw a big shell approach that looked 
mines. 

So he made for a wood 

Just as hard as he could. 
And since then he hasn't been seen. 

A great British dreadnought named 
Terror 

Went too far to sea through an error; 
But a submarine bold 
Crept right under her hold. 

And now the Dutch no longer fear 'er. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



219 



"The carnation Is the flower of the 
mothers of the country, but what's the 
fathers'?" 

"Why, of course, it's the poppy." 
— Baltimore American. 

And by the same token, that of the 
bad little boys is the lady-slipper. 

There wouldn't be nearly so much 
prohibition sentiment in this country 
if drunk men didn't feel that the fate 
of the nation depended on their render- 
ing a solo at once. 

* * * 

A Detroit paper says that rubbing 
with unsalted butter, followed by 
bleaching in the sun, will cleanse ivory, 
so if ex-Governor Colquitt of Texas is 
ever in need of an efficient scalp 
cleanser, he'll know just what to do. 

Somebody wants to know a good 
cure for the blues. Our information is 
that a quartette of aces when you hold 
an equal number of kings, will speedily 
relieve you of the blues, to say nothing 
of a very healthy sprinkling of the 
reds. 

&ome Things One Never Sees. 

"Berlin — The enemy put it all over 
us yesterday, routing our troops com- 
pletely." 

"Petrograd — We retired from 
Scwzctszasczcz in great disorder with 
enormous losses." 

"Paris — It is understood that the 
Cabinet is ready to sue for peace." 

"London — It is now apparent that 
the Dardanelles cannot be forced, and 
our fleet in those waters will return 
at once to the North Sea." 

"I inexpressibly regret Mr. Bryan's 
resignation — Champ Clark." 

"I expect to stump the nation for 
Woodrow Wilson in 1916 — Theodore 
Roosevelt." 

"Billy Sunday Sets 'Em Up All 
Around." 

"I've decided that I don't need any 
new gowns for a year — Anywife." 

"* — Batted for Cobb in the ninth." 

Now that Czar Nick's 
Got down to work. 

It looks bad for 
The heathen Turk. 



"Following her appeal on behalf of 
the 'war babies,' " says the Milwaukee 
Leader, "Mrs. Pankhurst launched into 
a severe criticism of the English 
women who have failed to do their part 
in the war;" but we don't suppose the 
esteemed Leader meant it just that 
way. 

After a man has tried to mow 
through a three days' beard with a 
dull blade, he wonders what idiot in- 
vented the phrase, "Safety first." 

The War Between the States has 
been over 50 years, and possibly in the 
course of the next 50 years the Boston 
Transcript will hear of it. 

Just listen to our warning, bo — 

And this is not no fun ; 
You can't expect to keep your dough 

When you have got a bun. 

The Servians are not only doughty 
fighters, but they are mighty poor 
liars. A Servian retreat is always 
called a retreat, and there isn't a word 
about "luring 'em on," "strategic pur- 
poses," or even "a process of readjust- 
ing our lines." 

"There is going to be something 
doing for women a hundred years 
hence," says the Rev. Dr. Cadman. 
These ecclesiastical terms are a bit 
puzzling, but we think we get the idea. 

Brief hiography of a President. 
Mex. 
Ex. 
Exit. 

The Turkish colors are red and 
white, though black and blue would 
seem to be much more appropriate. 

If the Sultan is as shrewd as he's 
said to be, he'd better hurry and put 
his throne in one of his wives' name. 

He jests at scars that never stopped 
a dum-dum. 

One thing we like about poet A. 
Noyes is that he rarely does. 

The victory in Iceland will warm the 
cockles of the prohibition heart. 



220 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



Somehow we imagine that if spirits 
return from the Great Unknown, 
George Washington has his hand on 
Woodrow Wilson's shoulder. 

And, of course, when Mr. Taft said 
that he was glad there is no jingo in 
the White House, at this time, he 
wasn't thinking of any gentleman in 
particular. 

There are tides in the affairs of a 
Democratic paragrapher, when, no 
matter how loyal and partisan he is, 
he would love to be a Republican par- 
agrapher for a day or two. 

Still, we don't suppose the surgeon 
writing from the front that "We are 
sparing no pains" intended it just ex- 
actly that way. 

It must have made some of the dear 
old maids gnash their teeth when they 
read that headline, "800,000 Men En- 
gaged." 

When a drunk man can't think up 
anything to cry over, it's a good sign 
that he hasn't been at the drinking 
business very long. 

A French critic says that the Presi- 
dent's note "might have been penned 
by Richelieu himself." And that, from 
France, is the ne plus ultra of praise. 

We understand that the President 
has decided to abolish his Cabinet and 
subscribe for the New York Herald 
and the Boston Transcript. 

Obviously, Mr. Bryan's hope is to 
make the dogs of war setters. 

As for man's days, they are as a 
Provisional President of Mexico. 

It's an easy guess which side the 
Mexican barbers are pulling for. 

Bryan evidently prefers to leave 
peace prints on the sands of time. 

If Tennyson were living today, it's 
a safe bet he'd change his mind about 
fifty years of Europe being worth a 
cycle of Cathay. 



Mr. Gatling is to be Raleigh's new 
postmaster, and we suppose the poor 
old G. O. P. employees will find that 
he is a rapid firer. 

We are willing to trust a dear old 
Columbia prohibitionist anywhere ex- 
cept in New York. 

If you can't get your advice taken 
any other way, try engraving it on 
your umbrella handle. 

If it is true that after marriage hus- 
band and wife grow to look like each 
other, the future Mrs. Irvin Cobb has 
our tenderest sympathies. 

"We are morally and intellectually 
superior to all ; without peers," writes 
a Berlin professor. Shrinking violet ! 

With all the German coloring matter 
cut off, it's easy to understand those 
elderly Frenchmen's undyeing hate. 

Mr. Bryan, we take it, is going back 
to the prints of peace. 

Fortunately, Uncle Sam's White 
Book isn't a scrapbook. 

We know one kind of tented field 
Mr. Bryan isn't so averse to. 

The only way you can "persuade" a 
bully is with a pair of fists. 

A rounder is rarely on the square. 

Even the best stenographer has her 
bad spells. 

"Bad men generally get theirs," ob- 
serves the Ocala Star. Yep, but the 
trouble is that they generally get ours 
first. 

* * * 

Massachusetts appreciates the Presi- 
dent's reference to "a state of mind," 
it being one itself. 

Woman is supposed to be the weaker 
vessel, but our observation has been 
that man is broke much more often. 

Yale has banned all intoxicating 
beverages at commencements, but it is 
understood that this does not apply to 
those hops. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



221 



It's a mighty rare day in the Cau- 
casus that Turkey doesn't get a bast- 
ing. 

Tip to the Germans: Dr. Frank 
Knowles says the sun is harmful to 
blondes. 

Mr. Bryan is one editor who knows 
how to make news as well as com- 
ment on it. 

We didn't raise our pup to be a 
sausage. 

Probably the first thiag the average 
small boy wants is a knife, and the 
second is to catch the measles. 

What has become of the old-fash- 
ioned family that used to keep those 
wax flowers in a glass case on the 
sitting-room mantelpiece? 

Though it sounds like a paradox 
In this thought there's a kick ; 

Whene'er a fellow has the rocks 
His friends think he's a brick. 

The worm has turned. A Missouri 
editor is suing a politician for libel. 

If there is aught in a name, More- 
head City is no vacation place for a 
gentleman who likes his licker. 

The cream of Russia's army cer- 
tainly seems to be of the whipped 
variety. 

Fittingly enough, Herr Jagow lives 
on a Spree. 

After Europe's settling down will 

come the settling up. 

* * * 

A king at the front is worth two on 
the throne. 

A man is also known by the com- 
pany he dodges. 

The Vaticant. 

"Russians here to buy cotton." Step 
this way, sir ! 

Revised motto for the thoughtful 
consideration of the hyphens: "Be 
American First." 



This war seems to have done some- 
thing to the South that even Theodore 
Roosevelt couldn't do. 

Many a man who never saw the 
ocean is a wonderful sponger. 

It is a wise graduate who takes a 
job, instead of accepting a position. 

The heathen can't be blamed for 
failure to discern anything civil in 
civilization. 

Japan has prohibited the issuing of 
newspaper extras when there is no 
really important news. What a funny, 
semi-civilized country that is ! 

A fool and his honey are soon parted. 

And now the fighting is said to have 
reached the site of the Garden of 

Eden. Great snakes ! 

* » » 

Diamonds are trumps in the game 
of hearts. 

Herr Krupp gets an Iron Cross. 
Great Guns ! 

It seems paradoxical, but a blunt 
man usually comes to the point. 

The same old mud, the same old 
rain, the same old cuss words said 
again. 

It is natural to assume that after the 
Germans wash the Russ captives they 
iron 'em. 

The Cologne Gazette calls Roosevelt 
a dreamer. Many other people con- 
sider him a nightmare. 

An exchange notes that wooden legs 
are fine anti-war arguments. Yep ; 
regular stump speeches. 

A facetious exchange says that last 
year Italy made "a Victor record." 
Doubled-faced at that, Germany thinks. 

However, it was John Paul Jones 
who began the fashion of hoisting the 
American flag over British ships. 

"American Sailors Ordered Not to 
Talk." Hobson left the service just in 
time. 



222 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



It's a funny language. When a bill 
collector finds a fellow in, he's out, 
and when he's out, he's in. 

There is a man in our town 

Who surely foolish is ; 
He never planks some dollars down 

To advertise his biz. 

With all the European peers at the 
front, it looks dark for countless thou- 
sands of our rich heiresses. 

What is your notion of a juicy sine- 
cure? Our own, next to this here job, 
is being a street-cleaner in Venice. 

The old weather guy is a mean man 
and sly, 
And he loveth to make our name 
Dennis ; 
Why does he deceive us and peeve us 
and grieve us 
Whenever we want to play tennis? 

Every man to his taste, of course, 
but we certainly can't understand that 
of H. Rider Haggard's latest hero, who 
gloomily announces : "I took her in 
my arms and kissed her back." 

Some lady asks the Chicago Tribune's 

fount of information what are the best 

calling cards. We have no business 

butting in, sister, but our observation 

has been that threes are usually pretty 

good. 

« * * 

According to the Century Opera 
Magazine, "Efram Zimbalist, the 
brand new husband of Alma Gluck, 
and who will be solo violinist with 
Walter Damrosch and the New York 
Symphony orchestra on its first tour, 
shares these honors with Paul Alt- 
house, the Metropolitan tenor." Some- 
body blundered ! 

"Nothing is certain but death and 
taxes," is the old saw. Well, some- 
thing else is tolerably certain now. 
And that is that if one European 
power demonstrates its ability to de- 
feat practically all the remainder of 
embattled Europe, or even fight it to a 
draw, your Uncle Samuel's turn will 
come sooner or later. 



What has become of the old-fash- 
ioned New York World editor who used 
to remark loudly at frequent intervals : 
"Murphy must go!"? 

The Philadelphia North American 
says that all the Russians can beat is 
a retreat. Well, anyway, they've 
proved that they can lick the dust. 

"Divided we fall," also goes for the 

hyphen. 

* * ♦ 

Pan-Slavism begins to look like a 
frying-pan. 

As we understand our prominent 
metropolitan exchanges, we must have 
reparation from Germany when our 
citizens are drowned, but it is a sin 
and a shame for Colombia timidly to 
ask reparation when we steal her ter- 
ritory. 

« « « 

T. R. explains that the moose he 
shot was about to bite him, so the 
animal really died the more humane 
death. 

We suppose that in the Western 
theatre those Hindu troops furnish the 
castes. 

A scientist says that newspapers will 
make one warm, but T. R. found that 
out years ago. 

That anti-treating law in Britain 
doesn't seem to prevent Wilhelm's get- 
ting 'em groggy. 

Speaking of untold wealth, the in- 
come tax returns certainly reveal a 
lot of it. 

A non-partisan tariff board theory 
always has an earnest friend in the 
minority. 

China doesn't mind washing her 
dirty linen in public, but she prefers 
to let Europe do the mangling. 

Cap'n Hobson's revision : The evil 
that men brew lives after them. 

Meat must be really scarce in Ger- 
many. We note that the Hamburg 
stakes were valued at $31,250. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



223 



Nobody can truthfully call Billy 
Sunday a dim religious light. 

A Chicago society dame is grieving 
over the death of a pet baboon. It 
must indeed have been a monkey 

wrench. 

« » « 

The German idea of "retaliation" 
apparently is committing the atrocity 

first. 

* * ♦ 

"Get together with Carranza?" 
quoth Pancho. "I'll be hanged if I 
do!" 

Mrs. Pankhurst wants to make am- 
munition. She evidently thinks wo- 
man's sphere is the bomb. 

But wouldn't the eternal fitness of 
things have suggested that the Rem- 
ington strike be automatic? 

Those earth tremors recorded at 
New Haven, Conn., strongly indicate 
that Prof. Taft is home again. 

Wonder if that Remington strike 
doesn't bear one of those "Made-in- 
Germany" labels. 

What we are concerned in is not 
which Republican T. R. will back, but 
which one he'll buck. 

Latest entry in the mixtmet contest. 
The immortal Philadelphia Inquirer 
has the floor : "Every time the Ger- 
mans make any progress against Rus- 
sia, the Austrian army puts its finger 
in the pie and spoils the broth." 

The Chattanooga Times says you 
can't vaccinate against the itch for 
office. Scratching the candidate, how- 
ever, is regarded as an infallible rem- 
edy. 

We can condone faults in almost any 
man. But the man who isn't good to 

his mother ought to be hung. 

* * *" 

First thing we know some enthusi- 
astic Wilson man will be dubbing the 
U. S. A. the Grandfatherland. 

Little Holland couldn't be prepared 
for war any more thoroughly if Ger- 
many had guaranteed her neutrality. 



Most of the German-American pa- 
pers have several issues daily. They 
can't get everything in the first sedi- 
tion. 

The thing that bores most war news 
readers is that so few of these checks 
are certified. 

Admiral von Tirpitz has a perfect 
right to feel aggrieved over the way 
those gentle Kurds have appropriated 
his "women-and-children-first" slogan. 

We have our irritable moments when 
we feel like holding the paragrapher 
of the once-esteemed Koelnische Zei- 
tung to a strict accountability. 

The York News wonders who put the 
ill in Churchill. As we understand it, 
it was the same mustacheoed gentle- 
man who took the win out of Winston. 

# * * 

That Japanese Diet never seems to 
agree with us. 

Reports from the Save and the Dan- 
ube reveal that New York has no 

monopoly of those riverside drives. 

* * * 

Necessity may be the mother of in- 
vention, but that Petrograd man is its 
pa. 

What's the first name of this Herr 
Flamm, who says the British sank the 
Lusitania — Flimm ? 

"Grand Duke to Fire Warsaw." 
Many think that it would pay Warsaw 
to fire the grand duke. 

Why doesn't the Senate try some of 
that "Senatorial courtesy" on Wood- 
row Wilson? 

And if you get dry on the water- 
wagon, remember that there are springs 
in it. 

Journalistic Goat-getters. 
"Winsome debutante." 
"Devastating conflagration." 
"Grim-visaged war." 
"Eminent divine." 
"Conventional black." 



224 



POEMS AND PARAGRAPHS 



When a woman isn't hearing burg- 
lars in the dining room, slie is always 
smelling something burning. 

"Here's Sow !" chuckled the pork- 
bar'l Congressman, as the public build- 
ings bill came up for debate. 

Life's Little Mysteries. 
Chinese laundry tickets. 
Doctor's prescriptions. 
Railway time tables. 
Henry James's novels. 
Browning. 



We suppose that when found the 
leopard which escaped from that circus 
in Illinois will be shot on the spot. 

Austrian government signs itself "I, 
and R." Perkins wants to make it 
possible for this government to sign 
itself "I and T. R." 

Englishmen are being driven to 
marry to avoid conscription, and every 
day sees hundreds of new brides and 
glooms. 



TRIBUTES FROM COWORKERS 



His worK as a parag'rapher "superb and sole." and in all his 

successes one would find no touch, of malice, 

no g'erm of meanness. 



W. W. BalLj Managing Editor, The 
State : Here in the office of The State 
we knew a manly, gentle youth so quiet, 
so modest, so thoughtful of others, so 
careful lest he add a feather to a fellow- 
worker's burden, that the years stole upon 
him and raised him to be a man while we 
looked upon him, and always shall remem- 
ber him, as a lad. When the menace of war 
in Mexico appeared, he came to us and 
said that he would go as a soldier and it 
was with a little shock that we saw him 
full grown and resolute, eager to do a 
man's work, sensible of its responsibilties 
and burdens, sure of his duty, mindful, 
not speaking, of the obligations that rested 
upon him for the name he bore. To us he 
had always been a boy, considerate, defer- 
ential as though the youngest reporter. 

You, the readers of The State, knew that 
other side of him, that we knew, too, in 
the column that he wrote, that brought 
to him, the shyest of all the brotherhood 
of newspaper workers, fame and that gave 
to his newspaper, printed in a little capital 
city of a remote State, distinction wher- 
ever in the United States newspapers are 
printed and read. You knew the piquant 
wit, the never failing drollery shot with 
a flavor of shrewdness and experience. We 
have wondered, because he was a home-lov- 
ing boy, not an experienced man of the 
world, where it came from, this balanced 
judgment that guarded his brilliant epi- 
grams, that made it scarcely ever neces- 
sary to revise or leave out lest some hurt 
be done, some blunder be made. For of 
all things the paragraph is dangerous, and 
the more clever the more dangerous, unless 
it be written with prudent restraint. His 
brilliancy could be trusted and we write 
It down that it was because his heart was 
loving. He wrote to make men merrier 
and better, too, and hate had no home in 
his nature. He has left no legacy of ran- 
cor towards his fellows. You, his readers, 
were his friends, he was nearer in some 
sense to you than to any of us ; you have 
sat about his table in thousands and 
laughed with him — and when men laugh 
together they are friends. 

We do not attempt to appraise his work. 
No other newspaper published in so small 
a city as Columbia has in a long time had 
among its makers a writer so widely quoted 
and in the wisdom that ran through his 
jest and raillery was the abundant promise 



of more serious editorial work as he grew 
older. 

Almost with impatience we of The State 
had looked forward to his coming home ; 
we have fretted that his country claimed 
him even for a time. So we valued him. 
Well we know that his place can not be 
filled ; now that we have his life only as a 
dear memory of joyous and gentle things. 
It has been our privilege to have him for 
a little while to love and to admire. He 
goes to take his place with others of the 
family of The State "who have done their 
work, and held their peace, and had no fear 
to die." 

McDavid Horton : The world knew him 
by "The State's Survey" and the "After- 
math" columns, and though the editorial 
paragraph was under his hands not ex- 
clusively a matter of "quips and cranks 
and wanton wiles," of "the queer, the quaint 
and the quizzical," but an instrument of 
unique potency for serious purpose on oc- 
casion, it was only those of us privileged 
to be his coworkers and comrades who 
were aware how mature was already his 
judgment, how broad were his perceptions 
in national concerns, how extensive was his 
Information, or with what sober respon- 
sibility 'he daily prepared himself con- 
sciously against the time when The State 
should be his to administer. * * * We of 
the staff have repeatedly remarked, in our 
after-press time communings, his grave, 
sweet courtesy, his delicate consideration of 
those about him, his diffident but engaging 
and altogether charming friendliness. He 
was a thoroughgoing and incorrigible demo- 
crat, catholic and kindly, wholly unmind- 
ful of station or circumstances in his elec- 
tion of companions, but regardful only of 
actual worth. * • • I can not as yet bear 
to plumb the grief that fills my heart 
and so I will not undertake to set down 
here any symmetrical estimate ; I can say 
only that he was my friend and I loved 
him. 

John S. Reynolds : My lot it has been 
to know Robert Elliott Gonzales from the 
days of his early youth, to watch the con- 
sistent budding of his literary gifts, to see 
the growth of his journalistic genius, dur- 
ing the culminating period of his life to 
work with him for the paper which had 
always filled so large a part of his thoughts, 
and, finally to mourn him in his soldier's 



226 



TRIBUTES 



grave. And in all his successes, as in all 
his strivings, one would find no toucli 
of malice, no germ of meanness. His walk, 
like that of him whom a genius of jour- 
nalism has sung, was 

"From his birth 
In simpleness, and gentleness, and honor, 
and clean mirth." 

None who have lived with him, worked 
with him, played with him, will forget him 
— a fine figure of a fellow worker and a 
friend. 

J. IRBY KooN : A bold and brilliant an- 
cestral strain coursed his youthful veins. 
Generations of forbears, with aching hearts 
and bleeding feet, blazed the dusty trail 
which marked the path of his own destiny. 
He bared his manly bosom to the shock of 
battle, because "'twas their manner" and 
he wielded the pen with no less fervor 
than his ancestry. His subtle humor, giv- 
ing promise of even more brilliant achieve- 
ment, is a deplorable loss. The supreme 
tragedy is that the line is broken. He was 
the last of a dynasty of kingly men. 

Ambrose E. Gonzales : On the Mexican 
border far from kindred, home and the 
work he loved, his brave young heart lies 
stilled, but, soldier and patriot, he gave his 
life for his country, and his knightly soul 
Is with the spirits of those who, giving all 
in life and death, have not lived nor died 
in vain. 

John J. Cormack.- * * * Compositors 
rarely read their copy entirely through be- 
fore putting it into type, but when the para- 
graphs reached the machine the temptation 
to do so before starting its composition was 
irresistible and was almost always indulged 
in by the printer who caught the "take." 

Bob was a frequent visitor to the com- 
posing room and his bright smile and 
cheery words always made him a most 
welcome one. He will be sadly missed by 
the printers. 

His remarkably successful career ; his al- 
most miraculous leap into nationwide fame 
can not but be an inspiration to the youth 
of this country and a solace to all the older 
people who knew and loved him. 

Knowing him from early childhood his 
loss is keenly felt by me and his strong 
personality and amiable disposition will 
always remain green in my memory. 

Martha Porcher Dwight : He was 
never "Bob" to me as he was to the world ; 
I knew him and shall always think of him 
as Robert, because I liked so well the 
dignity, the deep, sweet reticences in his 
nature, which had perhaps never been 



fathomed, by himself or even by his 
dreams. 

* * * His taste in music ran to opera 
and, stimulated by his uncle, "Mr. Am- 
brose," he benefited broadly by that most 
agreeable teacher, the phonograph, and 
traveled not infrequently to distant parts 
for special operatic occasions. And so, 
in the course of the last few years, he had 
learned to recognize the best in many 
operas and had come to know most of the 
great singers of the day. He was an in- 
telligent and an exacting critic and so en- 
tirely he scorned the trashy and trivial 
that he never even hummed a popular song 
around the building. As he swung up the 
steps to his office apart, it was oftenest 
"One Fine Day," from "Madam Butterfly," 
that rang out clear and then floated down 
more softly sweet before it was shut off 
by the closing of his "work shop" door. 

Brian Bell : His best paragraphs were 
never printed, for his kindliest and sharpest 
shafts were directed at the editors and re- 
porters about him. Many of the devoted 
followers in his army of readers have won- 
dered and some have asked, "Is Bob Gon- 
zales as clever in conversation as in his 
column?" and always the answer was, 
"More so," for at work and play, in the 
office and out, he was not only the bril- 
liant wit but the true good fellow too. 
And so men who make The State knew 
and loved Bob Gonzales as few men or set 
of men are given to love one. 

Joe Sparks : So kind, so brave, so bril- 
liant, so tender in his feeling toward all 
mankind ; the passing of Robert Elliott Gon- 
zales, soldier-journalist, on the field of 
duty, leaves me without words, I loved 
him. 

Samuel L. Latimer, Jr.; Sincerity 
thoughtfulness, unselfishness, modesty, and 
desire to see only the good in mankind, 
characterized Bob Gonzales' life and en- 
hanced the attractiveness of his brilliant 
mind. I knew him first as a fellow stu- 
dent ; later as a fellow worker. It was a 
rare pleasure to have such a man for a 
friend. 

Wm. p. Houseal : Robert E. Gonzales 
achieved fame as no young man in the his- 
tory of journalism in this generation in 
South Carolina, yet withal he was modest 
and retiring to a fault. His reputation 
was national, yet he chose the place of a 
loyal citizen and devotion to duty rather 
than preferment in wider spheres. He gave 
his life in sacrifice to a noble ideal which 
he had adopted as a life principle. 



FROM FELLOW CRAFTSMEN 



Franklin P. Adams, ("F. P. A."), The 
New York Tribune : Bob Gonzales' death 
robs the paragraphing game of its leader. 
Nobody wrote better paragraphs than he. 
He had the ideal gift — pungency and virile 
sweetness without malice . . . the reading 
public is poorer for his death — poorer than 
most of it will ever realize, as Bob Gon- 
zales was only 28 years of age. 

William Heaver Woods, Editor, The 
Liiterary Digest, New York City : I am 
deeply distressed to learn that the brilliant 
career of Mr. Gonzales has been cut short 
by death. We valued his work here most 
highly. Our pages will miss the flashes 
of his wit and true wisdom quoted from 
The State. Please accept sincere sympathy. 

The Editors, Collier's Weekly, New York 
City : Robert E. Gonzales was one of the 
four or five best newspaper paragraph- 
ers in America, his brain effervescent with 
lively, wholesome humor. We sympathize 
deeply in your loss. 

EwiNG Galloway, Editorial Writer, Col- 
lier's Weekly (letter to Columbia friends 
before he knew of Mr. Gonzales' death, or 
even of his illness) : Mr. Gonzales' para- 
graphs are the best editorial squibs in 
America. 

Brevard Stephenson, in The Fourth Es- 
tate, New Yoi'k : It is doubtless only with 
an effort that those newspaper men asso- 
ciated with young "Bob" Gonzales of the 
Columbia (S. C. ) State can think of him 
as dead. His happy, lovable, sparkling 
personality expressed itself through the 
columns of The State, on which paper he 
was editorial paragrapher. In the opinion 
of not a few newspaper men, North and 
South, he was the best paragrapher in the 
United States. Certainly his pungent ob- 
servations were widely copied, the "Topics 
in Brief" department of The Literary Di- 
gest, for example, sometimes having nearly 
half its selections picked from The State 
when young Gonzales was at his desk on 
that paper. 

He made it a point to cultivate the 
friendship of other newspaper men, and it 
is doubtful if there was another individual 
in the profession so widely acquainted or 
BO popular in the Carolinas, Georgia and 
Florida. • • • 

Bob Gonzales was the heir to the Co- 
lumbia State, which was owned by Ms 



family. He was a descendant of a famous 
Cuban patriot, who came to South Carolina 
several generations ago, where the Gon- 
zales blood was united by marriage with 
that of the Elliotts of South Carolina. 
Young Gonzales had been graduated from 
the University of South Carolina several 
years ago. 

George M. Bailey, Paragrapher, The 
Houston Post : The Christmas season 
never fails to sound its note of sorrow as 
well as of happiness and we are reminded 
of this by the intelligence that Robert E. 
Gonzales of the editorial staff of The State, 
Columbia, S. C, died after a brief illness 
in El Paso Tuesday night. Mr. Gonzales 
was a sergeant in the Second South Caro- 
lina, on duty on the border, and came to 
Texas with his regiment several months 
ago. He was a journalist of splendid 
promise and had already gained high rank 
a^ a paragrapher and editorial writer when 
he left his desk to join his regiment in 
active service. He was a member of the 
Gonzales family of South Carolina, long 
famed in the field of journalism and the 
lofty ideals which his forbears exempli- 
fied and strove for had in him a worthy 
champion. Bob Gonzales fell in the morn- 
ing of life in the service of his country 
and has added another name to the roll of 
paladins and heroes his house has given 
to the world and to the country. South 
Carolina was already proud of him and 
it may now enshrine his name upon that 
roster of sons who have served her well 
and met duty and death smilingly and 
unafraid. 

RoRERT L. Gray, Editor of the Raleigh 
Times, Raleigh, N. C. : Robert E. Gon- 
zales handled the paragraph in a way to 
make him the peer of any of the small cir- 
cle of exceptionally able men who a few 
years ago gave it such a wide popularity. 
The time had come when he was using an 
effective medium in a manner to exercise a 
great influence in rescuing it from the 
neglect into which it had fallen and again 
placing it on the plane of its better pos- 
sibilties. Southern journalism has every 
reason to be shocked at the passing of 
one whose great promise had been so em- 
phasized at so early an age. Daily associa- 
tion during a term of newspaper labor 
enabled me to know the man behind the 
artistic workman in a way to appreciate 
and to a sensible degree to share the grief 



228 



TRIBUTES 



which The State feels at his loss, an irre- 
parable misfortune, in which you have my 
most sincere sympathy. 

James H. Moore, in the Knoxville Sen- 
tinel : He was widely known as one of 
South Carolina's most brilliant and be- 
loved newspaper men. As the Columbia 
State's paragrapher he had contributed 
materially to making that paper one of the 
most frequently and widely quoted in the 
United States, and in this especial field 
he had few equals and no superior that we 
know. His talent for comprehending in a 
line or short sentence the substance and 
keynote of a difficult or complicated subject 
and giving a piquant turn to a terse pro- 
nouncement on its merits seemed marvelous 
at times in view of his youth. 

The Sentinel's deepest sympathy is ex- 
tended to the Columbia State in view of 
this acutest of blows to its journalistic 
household. The son of W. B. Gonzales, 
The State's editor in chief, now minister 
to Cuba, and nephew of A. E. Gonzales, 
owner and business manager of The State, 
the tragic taking off of Robert E. Gon- 
zales will be felt keenly both as a personal 
and professional loss. His loss will like- 
wise be felt keenly by the newspaper pro- 
fession of the Palmetto State. It will 
seem a dear price in itself that South 
Carolina has paid for the Mexican trou- 
bles. But young Gonzales will be enrolled 
among other heroes the State has con- 
tributed to the various wars in our Ameri- 
can history and render him one of the im- 
mortals of the State. 

August Kohn. for Many Years Manager 
of the Columbia Bureau of The Charleston 
Netcs and Courier : It is always sad to 
see one die in youth but doubly so when 
there is so much promise and so much 
of hope in the years that are ahead. 

There have been few lives given to South 
Carolina that were cut off in the bud 
that were so full of real helpfulness and 
opportunity for his native State as that of 
Robert E. Gonzales. Some months ago 
when we were at King's Mountain at a 
meeting of the Press Association one strik- 
ing phase of his makeup, his modesty, was 
shown. When he suddenly found that an 
amateur photographer was about to take 
his picture he screened his face to avoid 
this apparent intimacy. Very few people 
had the opportunity of becoming infimate 
with Robert E. Gonzales, on account of 
this shyness, but those who knew him ap- 
preciated his sterling qualities, his keen 
sense of justice, his shining optimism, his 



devotion to his native State, family and 
friends, his splendid grasp of newspaper 
work and, above all, his modesty. 

It has been my fortune to have been in 
the newspaper "game" for 25 years and 
in all that time no one I have observed 
has appeared in the field of journalism 
with the promise and, indeed with the 
merited appreciation, certainly for one of 
his years, not alone in the South but in 
the nation. The newspaper world and 
South Carolina have certainly lost their 
most brilliant hope of yesterday. 

The Times of Cuba (Ilabana) : The death 
of Robert Elliott Gonzales, son of Capt. 
William E. Gonzales, United States minis- 
ter to Cuba, and Mrs. Gonzales, brings a 
sense of personal loss to every one who has 
read his brilliant paragraphs, printed first 
in The (Columbia, S. C. ) State and quoted 
throughout the realm of American news- 
paperdom. 

For "Bob" Gonzales, while hardly more 
than a boy, possessed genius far beyond 
that of most of his fellow writers. His 
human sense was unerring, his touch deli- 
cate, but masterful, his sympathy pro- 
found, his humor delicious. Wit and 
pathos were blended in his best work ; tears 
were near the smiling surface. Above all, 
he was original. His clean, upstanding 
spirit was mirrored in his work. The 
craft has lost a pupil who would one day 
have been a master had not his Creator 
summoned him to an early reward. 

Luke McLuke^ The Enquirer, Cincinnati: 
America lost her brightest paragrapher and 
South Carolina lost her keenest wit when 
Bob Gonzales died. His fertile brain 
blended wisdom, humor and philosophy into 
sentence sermons. His trademark was 
originality. He was a whole-souled, big- 
hearted, clean-minded optimist. I have lost 
a friend and an inspiration through the 
passing of Boh Gonzales. 

James H. Caine, Editor, The Asheville 
Citizen, Asheville, N. C. : In the death of 
Robert Gonzales, the newspaper fraternity 
of the South has lost one of its brightest 
lights and his passing will be deeply re- 
gretted by all who knew him personally and 
by reputation. No man in the newspaper 
profession enjoyed a wider circle of friends 
and admirers. Knowing nothing of 
hypocrisy and sham, "Bob" Gonzales, as 
he was familiarly known, never stooped 
to questionable methods. Honorable and 
fearless to a high degree, he closes his 
young life by virtually offering it as a sac- 
rifice for his country. 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



229 



James C. Derieux; His death takes 
from South Carolina a newspaper man who 
within a few years had gained for himself 
and his paper national reputation. More- 
over, he was a member of one of the most 
patriotic families of South Carolina — a 
family that for years has fought fearlessly 
for clean government and a happier State. 
As a fellow member of the Fourth Estate, 
I express my sympathy for his family, and 
my regret that the brightest young news- 
paper man in the South has so early in 
life gone to his reward. The circumstance 
that serves, in some measure, to mitigate 
the grief occasioned by his death, is that 
he died in the service of his country. None 
could come to a more honorable end. 

Harold C. Booker, Editor, The Jour- 
nal, Spartanburg: In the death of Robert 
E. Gonzales the newspaper fraternity of 
South Carolina loses its most brilliant rep- 
resentative. Mr. Gonzales was a singularly 
gifted writer and his paragraphs which 
have appeared in The State have daily 
been read by thousands with keenest en- 
joyment. His editorial work has given him 
an inter-State reputation and we believe he 
has no superior in his particular line in 
any State. His passing is a distinct loss 
to the people of South Carolina. 

J. RioN McKi.ssiCK, in The Greenville 
News: • • * In the South he was without 
a rival. The only paragraphers in his class 
are a few upon metropolitan journals. To 
his work he brought a well stored mind, 
familiar with the masters of English lit- 
erature, and a marvelously wide vocabu- 
lary. His wit was amiable — he made no 
unkindly thrusts. He laughed, and South 
Carolina laughed with him. Death indeed 
loves a shining mark. No words can meas- 
ure the loss which the Fourth P^.state sus- 
tains in his death nor convey the deep 
sorrow felt by his admiring fellow crafts- 
men. Conceit and vanity were alien to 
him, he was quiet, modest and retiring, yet 
most companionable. His sudden pass- 
ing, just when he was at the threshold of 
a distinguished career and just when he 
was approaching his full vigor and ma- 
turity, deprives South Carolina journalism 
of its most brilliant figure. Of a truth we 
say of him, now that 'sunset and evening 
star and one clear call' for him have come : 
'Ulysses is gone, and there is none left in 
Ithaca that can bend his bow.' " 

William F. Caldwell, Manager, Colum- 
bia Bureau, Charleston News and Courier : 
It is well-nigh impossible to put into words 
my appreciation of his many fine traits of 



character. I saw these traits exhibited 
strikingly during the seven weeks I spent 
with the South Carolina troops on the 
Mexican border. Bob was the ideal soldier 
and was popular with both officers and 
men. I don't believe there was a more 
general favorite In the camp and certainly 
not in his company. He was always ready 
to do anything in his power for any com- 
rade and many are the instances in which 
he helped to make life brighter for the 
men who served with him. He was always 
faithful to duty and never shirked any as- 
signment, no matter how insignificant or 
laborious. I have seen him helping to peel 
potatoes with the same optimistic spirit 
that was apparent when he was at his 
post of duty, the right guide for his com- 
pany. 

From The Charlotte Neirs: * * * Nobody 
anywhere else seemed to have had such an 
adeptness for pointed and pungent phrase 
writing. His was a brilliancy not reflected, 
altogether native. His an originality com- 
ing not from the chambers of memory, as 
does the originality of many who enter into 
this coveted honor. His, too, a personality 
that beamed and blazed through every ut- 
terance, a uniqueness that shall be missed, 
tragically missed, by those who have been 
through the all too brief years laughing 
and sobbing through the sparkling and 
unapproachable offerings in his newspaper. 

State Press Association : William Banks, 
president, and Joe Sparks, secretary, yes- 
terday sent out the following call to the 
members of the association : 

"For the first time since our happy an- 
nual gathering at York, in June last, our 
circle has been Invaded by death, and It 
is with great sorrow that the officers of 
the State Press Association announce the 
death of their friend and fellow craftsman, 
Robert Elliott Gonzales, one of the bright- 
est lights in Southern journalism. In or- 
der that our association may show as a 
whole suitable respect for the dead, we 
hereby request all members who can to 
attend the burial services, the announce- 
ment to be given later, and to notify us of 
their intention to do so." 

From Tampa Tribune : One year ago to- 
day, the following editorial appeared on 
this page of The Tribune : 

"Bob Gonzales sends a holiday greeting 
which we sincerely appreciate — and we 
reciprocate the sentiment and then some. 
As one who has contributed so much to 
brighten and enlighten the year-'round 
grind, the genial wit and philosopher of the 



230 



TRIBUTES 



Columbia State is entitled to the greatest 
blessings of the Christmas-time. To him 
we may say, as Eugene Field did to Charles 
A. Dana : 

" 'May you live a thousand years, 
To kinder keep things moving in this hu- 
man vale of tears ! 
And may I live a thousand, too^a thou- 
sand, less a day — 
For I would not want to be on earth to 
hear you'd passed away !' " 

The "thousand years" proved less than 
one ; the "genial wit and philosophy" are 
silenced ; the empty editorial chair is elo- 
quent of grief and pain and loss ; upon the 
heart presses a leaden Sorrow — which 
Time, the Alchemist, will transmute into a 
golden Memory ! 

Ed H. DeCamp, Editor of The Gaffney 
Ledger : * * * It is diflficult to imagine 
that one so young, so robust, so full of 
life, is called away. Without a peer in his 
particular line, he made a national reputa- 
tion for himself and contributed in no 
small degree to the fame of The State. But 
above and beyond this, he was a man whom 
to know was only to love. He was a 
genius without ostentation. He was one 
of the leading lights in the South Carolina 
State Press Association and has contributed 
more genuine humor for the last few years 
than any one else. He gave his life for 
his country, what more could a man do? 
I would be proud were I capable of laying 
a violet upon his bier. Permit me to share 
your very great sorrow. 

From the Spartanburg Herald: Coming 
out of college "Bob" Gonzales slipped quiet- 
ly into his position on the editorial staff 
of the newspaper built up by the elder 
members of his family, but his work had 
scarcely begun before the readers of that 
paper detected his genius. He was un- 
known. The public did not know that 
there was such a lad but a little while 
ago. Today, however, there is hardly a 
newspaper office in the country in which 
his name and his work are not known, and 
with the public his paragraphs were con- 
stantly on their lips. His untimely death 
will carry sorrow far beyond the borders 
of his native State and thousands outside 
the newspaper offices of the country will be 
among those who are sad because he has 
passed away, leaving vacant a place that 
none will ever fill with just the touch of 
humor or flash of wit he could contribute. 

From the Savannah Neivs : His column 
was known throughout the nation and the 
author had endeared himself to the news- 
paper fraternity, especially in the South, 



through his brilliant, but gentle exchange 
of more or less personal comment. Though 
only 28 years old, Gonzales had become 
probably the best known writer of para- 
graphs in the country. No column was 
more widely read or quoted than his, no 
column was more uniformly brilliant or 
reflective of a strong personality. 

From The Newberry Observer : He wrote 
from a kind and cheerful heart, and never 
used his pen to wound or hurt. Already 
he had made a reputation nation-wide, and 
was quoted in high class journals, like The 
Literary Digest and others, oftener than 
any other paragraph writer in the world. 
That was a high distinction, and a very 
brilliant future was before him. It seemed 
strange, and hardly to be justified, that 
such a man should lay down the pen to 
take up the sword and should forego a bril- 
liant and lucrative career for the pittance 
the United States government pays its sol- 
diers. But it is not likely he ever con- 
sidered the sacrifice ; we feel sure he never 
regarded it a sacrifice at all, but as a sacred 
duty. With a heart as gentle and kind as 
a woman's, he had the spirit of a patriot 
soldier, by nature and inheritance. His 
grandfather was a Cuban patriot, who 
risked his life for the independence of his 
country, and afterwards served gallantly as 
an officer in the Confederate army ; his 
father was among the first to volunteer 
in the Spanish-American war, and became 
a captain in that service ; and so he obeyed 
the call of his country, never counting the 
cost. 

The Observer has a very tender feeling 
for the young newspaper men of South 
Carolina ; and, so, on Wednesday, thinking 
of young Gonzales ana others, and how 
his bright paragraphs had been missed and 
longed for in the offices and in the homes, 
we wrote a "letter to Santa Claus," half 
jocular, half serious, wishing that the 
young man might come home again and 
resume his work. Next morning we received 
the sad news of his death ! 

Our first thought was to leave the "let- 
ter" out ; it might be out of place in the 
face of such a calamity ; but, on second 
thought, we will let it go in word for 
word as it was written, for it expre.sses 
how we appreciated and loved our young 
co-worker whom now we all mourn with 
heavy hearts : 

Letter to Santa Claus 

Dear Uncle Santa, or Uncle Sam either : 
We are writing to you, either or both, to 
ask that, if you can not send all the Na- 
tional Guard home, as the good mothers 
and sisters and sweethearts are praying 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



231 



may be done, you will send at least one 
man to cheer the drooping spirits of his 
hard-pressed contemporaries at home who 
are bowed down at this ought-to-be happy 
season with the fearful weight of the high 
cost of print paper that threatens to crush 
them to earth, whence they may not be 
able, like Truth, to rise again. This one is 
Bob Gonzales, late of The State, the pre- 
mier paragrapher of these United States, 
whose bright quips and quirks would help 
wonderfully in reviving their drooping 
spirits and putting them in a more hopeful 
mood. 

Why should a good paragrapher waste 
his time on the Mexican border, waiting 
month after month for a chance to kill one 
Greaser when there are thousands of other 
young men who can shoot a gun as straight 
as he, but not one in a hundred and thir- 
teen millions who can fill his place as the 
•writer of bright and happy paragraphs? 

Louis H. Chazal, in The Ocala (Fla.) 
Star: "Bob," as he was known to those 
who worked with him on The State, was 
of a most modest and retiring disposition. 
He spent most of his time at his desk. His 
success may be attributed to his earnestness 
and sincerity. There was serious purpose 
behind his wit and humor. His paragraphs 
were quoted in almost every issue of The 
Literary Digest, and among those to give 
him high praise was Franklin P. Adams 
of the New York Tribune, one of the best 
known and most successful "columnists" in 
this country. Bob's loss will be distinctly 
felt by the paragraphers on the newspapers 
of the South, who delighted in exchanging 
shots with him. Many a paragrapher knew 
Robert E. Gonzales who never met him. 

Away from his desk he lived quietly. He 
lived wrapped up in his work. He did 
not care at all for things social. He had 
a few pals, with whom he enjoyed him- 
self, giving himself up to his hobbies. He 
was an enthusiastic baseball fan, and was 
exceptionally fond of good music and the 
theater. 

No one can take the place of old Colo- 
nel Aftermath on the staff of The State. No 
one will feel his loss more than his un- 
cle, Ambrose Gonzales, president of The 
State Publishing Company, than whom there 
Is no finer or bigger man in this country. 

Robert E. Gonzales was the only son of 
Capt. W. B. Gonzales, now United States 
minister to Cuba." 

From the Neicark (Ohio) American 
Tribune: The dispatch which appeared in 
the morning papers will bring sorrow to the 
hearts of the newspaper fraternity of the 
country as well as to the innumerable num- 



ber of readers of the daily papers who have 
enjoyed the short squibs from the pen of 
Mr. Gonzales, which appeared in the Colum- 
bia, (S. C), State, and were largely copied 
by the papers of the nation. When the 
National Guard was ordered to the border, 
Mr. Gonzales, in the line of his sworn duty, 
laid down the pen to take up the sword, 
and the ending of his career is chronicled. 
He was a young man of especial acuteness 
in the newspaper work, had an especial tal- 
ent for the paragraph work, and was a 
writer of abilit.v, and his passing is sincerely 
mourned. While not a personal acquaint- 
ance of the editor of The American Tribune, 
still there had been pleasant relations estab- 
lished through correspondence between 
them, and the writer feels that a personal 
friend has been taken away. 

From the AsheviUe Citizent No man in 
the newspaper profession enjoyed a wider 
circle of friends and admirers. Knowing 
nothing of hypocrisy and sham, "Bob" Gon- 
zales, as he was familiarly known, never 
stooped to questionable methods. Honora- 
ble and fearless to a high degree, he closes 
his young life by virtually offering it as a 
sacrifice for his country.* * * 

It was the privilege of the writer to know 
Robert Gonzales under varying circum- 
stances, and there comes to mind now a 
splendid type of citizenship, the Southern 
gentleman "to the manner born." Never 
conscious of his own superior gifts, he was 
willing to accord to others a full measure 
of credit, and the young men who worked 
around him on The State will hold in grate- 
ful remembrance the kindly spirit that has 
gone. 

From the Oreenwood Index: Thousands 
of people in this State and many in other 
States have felt a keen personal grief in 
the taking away of this brilliant young 
writer, though to them he was unknown 
even by sight. To those who did know him 
and to those who rejoiced in his friendship, 
the loss is greater and harder to bear. 
Robert made the people who read his para- 
graphs smile : he did more, he made them 
feel that life was worth living. He had a 
creed of life and he knew how to put it in 
sucii a way that it was never obtrusive. 
He knew human joys and weaknesses far be- 
yond the knowledge possessed by even young 
men of the highest culture and attainments 
at the age of 28. For bis work the people 
loved him, and hence their grief. 

From the Ahieville Medium: Probably no 
man of modern times has exerted a stronger 
or more wholesome influence upon the news- 
paper men of the State than "Bob" has. 
Dozens of would-be members of the Fourth 
Estate have striven for his recognition, and 



232 



TRIBUTES 



when they finally "broke into" the columns 
of The State they felt that their -work was 
not in vain. 

Young Gonzales came of a long line of 
military ancestors, and while he did not 
fall in battle, his was a soldier's death, and 
he met it with a soldier's spirit. 

From the York News: From the begin- 
ning of his college life Robert Elliott Gon- 
zales showed the earmarks of a genius in 
the literary world. His work in college, 
both in the class room and on the college 
publications, showed the budding promise of 
a great journalist. Since he stepped from 
the University of South Carolina into the 
editorial paragraph work of The State, the 
bud of early promise has become a full 
blown flower, and ere the great Reaper ap- 
peared on the scene he had attained the dis- 
tinction of being the premier paragraph 
writer of the newspaper world. That world 
now misses him from its ranks, and he is 
mourned more widely and with a greater 
sorrow than can ever be measured or esti- 
mated. * * * His philosophy of life 
was worthy of imitation. He loved his fel- 
low man. His heart held no hatred or bit- 
terness. His cheery greetings and kindly 
smile were deep-rooted in his loving heart. 
To those who were privileged to know him 
intimately, he was an inspiration. He saw 
only the beautiful and good. He spread 
sunshine and gladness wherever he went. 

From the Tampa Times: Member of a 
race of real journalists, Mr. Gonzales wrote 
the most scintillating and at the same time 
most deep-thoughted paragraphs published 
during the present century, and he was in- 
deed a credit to the profession. He was 
also a real patriot, as shown by his volun- 
tary service of the border, and a worthy 
member of bis family. * * * The influ- 
ence of members of the Gonzales family has 
been felt not only in South Carolina, but 
throughout the Union as well, and the coun- 
try and journalism suffer a distinct loss in 
the death of this youthful, brilliant and fear- 
less wielder of the pen. 

E. W. Dabbs,, of Salem, Black River: 
* * * It is peculiarly said that the 
only one to perpetuate the name of the 
three brothers who have made The State the 
finest type of a newspaper that I know (and 
I say it advisably though often differing 
with The State) — it is a distinct loss to the 
profession of journalism, and to the life of 
the commonwealth that one who bade fair 
to hand down the finest traits of a distin- 
guished ancestry and to have a sweetening 
and elevating influence on public thought 
should be cut off in the very beginning of 
life. 



From the Roanoke Times: The death of 
Bob Gonzales down on the border takes from 
the ranks of the Fourth Estate one of the 
most brilliant paragraphers of the entire 
country. Because of his witty and sagac- 
ious sayings, his keen shafts of humor and 
satire, the Columbia State's paragraphs 
were copied extensively from one end of the 
land to the other. Gonzales' reputation ex- 
tended far beyond the confines of South Car- 
olina, has native State, and in his death The 
State sustains a loss that in its own way is 
irreparable. Newspaper men who did not 
have the pleasure of a personal acquaint- 
ance with Gonzales admired him for his ex- 
ceptional gifts and liked him for the good 
humor and sincerity that permeated his 
writings, telling eloquently of the person- 
ality of the man behind them. 

From the Columbia Record (editorial): 
In giving the life of Robert Elliott Gonzales 
to his country, South Carolina has made a 
sacrifice most notable. The announcement 
which came today brings a personal sorrow 
to hundreds of South Carolinians, and it 
brings a sense of loss to thousands who did 
not know the shy and gentle youth. 

He knew the great privilege which he 
enjoyed, and it was his endeavor to bring 
at least one smile a day into the lives of 
the reading public which he took into his 
confidence, and for which he felt the affec- 
tion of a big brother. The "column" which 
he conducted in the Columbia State was one 
of the most brilliant contributions to Amer- 
ican journalism in the last half century. 

His was a generous and fiowing humor, 
which seemed to be limitless, and never un- 
kind. His was a pen of great versatility as 
well as of fecundity, for his contributions to 
the literature of the State will live in the 
future as among the best and purest of lyric 
verse. But it is not easy to think of "Bob" 
as one apart, as a personage in literature, as 
one who will be known in the years to come 
as a greatly gifted son. 

From the Lancaster Neivs: To the editors 
of South Carolina his work was an inspira- 
tion, his presence at their annual meetings 
a genuine pleasure. He was by nature and 
inheritance fitted for a brilliant career upon 
which he seemed to have just entered. The 
excellence of his style, the fine sentiments 
which animated him, the wealth of wit and 
humor with which he was endowed gave to 
everything he wrote a charm rare and dis- 
tinctive. His comrades are bowed in sorrow 
at the passing of this leader among them. 
None can equal him in genius, but may the 
spirit of good cheer with which his work 
abounded be given to others. 



THE BRIEF STORY OF HIS LIFE 

A career of rare achievement and brilliant promise. 



From The State, December 21, 1916. 

Robert Elliott Gonzales, 28 years of age, 
who in half a decade had by his work on 
The State made secure his place among the 
foremost few practitioners of that fine 
journalistic art, died of pneumonia late 
Tuesday night at El Paso, Texas. He en- 
listed as a private in the Second South 
Carolina infantry on the mobilizing of the 
militia last June and before his command 
left Camp Moore for the frontier in August 
he had won on merit promotion to a ser- 
geantcy in the machine gun company. Last 
Saturday he was relieved of an arduous 
tour of patrol duty and almost immediately 
developed the malady which in four short 
days cut short his life of rare achievement 
and brilliant promise. The end came in 
the base hospital at Fort Bliss. 

Col. Springs, commanding the Second, is 
sending an escort east with that which is 
mortal of the young soldier and the funeral 
will be held in Columbia, probably Mon- 
day, with military honors. 

So abrupt and extreme a termination of 
his illness was not expected, but the first 
intimation, received Sunday evening, was 
disquieting and members of his family made 
preparations to join him. He had obtained 
a furlough and expected to participate in 
a family reunion in New York City dur- 
ing the holidays. Instead his father, Wil- 
liam E. Gonzales, United States minister 
to Cuba, left Habana immediately for El 
Paso and was intercepted yesterday at St. 
Augustine by messages telling of the end. 
He came then to Columbia, arriving at an 
early hour this morning. Sergeant Gon- 
zales' uncle, Ambrose E. Gonzales ; his 
mother and his little sister, Alida, reached 
Columbia yesterday afternoon, learning of 
their bereavement only on their arrival. 

Telegrams from El Paso reporting Ser- 
genat Gonzales' death were delayed in tran- 
sit and also by the difference in time, so 
that although the end came at 11 :30 o'clock 
Tuesday night, the news did not reach Co- 
lumbia until early yesterday, after The 
State had gone to press. The tidings spread 
quickly and all yesterday and last evening 
expressions of concern and grief poured 
into the office of The State. Hundreds of 
persons called at the office and many others 
left cards and messages at the family resi- 
dence, 1516 Richland Street. The after- 
noon newspapers diffused the intelligence 
throughout the country and early in the 



afternoon telegrams began arriving from 
fellow craftsmen, many of whom knew the 
man but through his work yet through it 
had come to love him as few men are 
loved. The dominant note in all these mes- 
sages is that of proud sorrow. 

Robert Gonzales was born in Columbia, 
April 18, 1888, the son of William B. and 
Sarah Cecil Shiver Gonzales. His paternal 
grandfather, the Cuban patriot, Gen. Am- 
brosio Jose Gonzales, was chief of artillery 
to General Beauregard in the Confederate 
States army. General Gonzales as an exile 
settled in the coastal plain of South Caro- 
lina and there married a daughter of Wil- 
liam Elliott. Robert Gonzales' uncles, Am- 
brose E. Gonzales, and the late Narciso 
Gener Gonzales, were the founders of The 
State. Prepared for college by Miss Jan- 
ney and William H. Verner in Columbia, 
Robert Gonzales spent one year at the 
Citadel in Charleston and thereafter was 
several years a student in the University of 
South Carolina, a member of the class of 
1909. He intended going on to Harvard 
after his graduation, but his health be- 
came impaired, an operation was required 
and before he had recovered the college year 
had opened. Mr. Gonzales joined the staff 
of The State in the summer of 1911 as 
paragrapher and editorial writer. How well 
he did his work is known far beyond the 
bounds of South Carolina. He spent six 
months abroad during 1913. None of his 
work has appeared in The State since the 
troops were called out last June, a war de- 
partment rule making soldiers ineligible 
for newspaper work. 

Mr. Gonzales was a communicant of 
Trinity Church, Columbia, where as a lad 
he was a choir boy. He was a member of 
the Columbia Club and of several other 
organizations. He was diffident but cor- 
dial and had hosts of devoted friends. He 
had the affection and respect of his com- 
rades in the military service. His colonel 
designated him regimental historian shortly 
before the Second went to the border. 

His College Career. 
"Bob will some day make a name as an 
editor," was a sentence in the sketch of 
Robert E. Gonzales which appeared in The 
Garnet and Black, the University of South 
Carolina annual, of 1909. The sketch out- 
lines Mr. Gonzales' career as a student in 
the university as follows : 



234 



TRIBUTES 



"Gonzales is the poet of our class. He 
feeds upon Shakspere, Browning and Ten- 
nyson. His chief hero in history is 'Peter, 
the Hermit.' His talents are literary, ora- 
torical and mathematical. 'Bob' will some 
day make a name as an editor. 

"Center, scrub football team, '04-'05 ; 
center, class football team. '04-'05 ; coach, 
senior class football team, '08 ; center, 'var- 
sity, '07 ; captain and tackle, varsity foot- 
ball team, '08 ; shortstop, class baseball 
team, '08 ; second base, '09 ; member track 
team, '06, '07, '08, '09 ; manager, '08 ; 
member Columbia track squad in Charlotte 
meet, '07 ; president. Athletic Association, 
'08 ; literary critic (two terms) vice presi- 
dent, and president, Clariosophic Society ; 
elected president State College Press As- 
sociation, and corresponding secretary 
South Carolina Intercollegiate Oratorical 
Association ; delegate to meeting College 
Press Association, "08 ; won South Caro- 
lina I. O. A. preliminary, '08, '09, as repre- 
sentative from the Clariosophic Society, and 
represented Carolina at Greenwood, '08-'09 ; 
represented the Clariosophic in the S. I. O. 
A. preliminary, '09 ; marshal, centennial ex- 
ercises, '06 ; member The Scribes, '06, '07, 
'08, '09 ; president, '08, '09 ; editor in chief. 
Garnet and Black ; twice exchange editor ; 
twice editor in chief and business manager 
of The Carolinian ; won Garnet and Black 
medal for best short story, '07 ; The Caro- 
linian short story medals, '06, '07, '08 ; The 
Carolinian poetry medals, '07, '08, '09 ; 
member German Club ; member Society 
Centennial Catalog committee, chairman, 
'08 ; member University Dramatic Club, '07 ; 
founder and tirst editor-in-chief of The 
Gamecock (student weekly) ; member The 
'C Men, Columbia Club, and all the 'gun 
clubs' ; class historian and poet, '08 : class 
poet, '09 ; speaker Clariosophic Society ban- 
quet, '08, and chairman banquet commit- 
tee ; elected speaker junior-senior banquet, 
'08 ; member Golf Association ; advisory 
athletic board, '08 ; delegate to meeting 
executive committee of the South Carolina 
Intercollegiate Oratorical Association, '09 ; 
speaker before meeting of College Press As- 
sociation, and at banquet of the College 
Press Association ; speaker at Poe Cen- 
tennial exercises." 

PASSING OF ROBERT GONZALES IS 
OFFICIALLY MADE KNOWN TO 
REGIMENT. 
Copies of a general order issued by Col- 
onel Springs of the Second South Carolina 
Infantry, announcing officially the death of 
Robert E. Gonzales, a sergeant in the ma- 
chine gun unit of that regiment, were 



brought from El Paso by Sergeant Gaillard 
Rembert, who arrived in Columbia yester- 
day on furlough. The order follows : 



Headquarters Second South Carolina In- 
fantry. 

Camp Owen Bierne, El Paso, Texas, De- 
cember 21, 1916. 
General Orders No. 27 : 

1. It is with sincere and deep regret that 
the regimental commander announces the 
death of Sergt. Robert E. Gonzales, Machine 
Gun Company, Second South Carolina In- 
fantry. 

2. Sergt. Robert E. Gonzales enlisted in 
response to the call of the president In 
the Machine Gun Company, Second South 
Carolina Infantry, June 26, 1916, and per- 
formed his duties as a true soldier until 
called on December 19, 1916, to a higher 
command. 

3. Since an all-wise Providence has seen 
fit to remove from our ranks Sergt. Robert 
E. Gonzales, while in the prime of man- 
hood, and to call him to answer the as- 
sembly call above, the regiment, while 
humbly submitting to the will of a most 
high God, realizes the great loss It has 
sustained in having this most efficient, 
faithful and loyal soldier promoted to his 
heavenly reward. 

4. Sergt. Robert E. Gonzales was one of 
the best known members of this command. 
Prior to his entry into the service, his 
writings were published throughout the 
United States. The country at large, as 
well as the State of South Carolina, suf- 
fered great loss by his uatimely death. His 
ability won for him the appointment of 
regimental historian on July 16, 1916. The 
fact that he was called away before he bad 
completed the history of the regiment for 
the period of border service, is an irre- 
parable loss to the organization. 

5. Sergt. Gonzales, familiarly known as 
"Bob," was of a retiring but attractive 
personality, and his smiling face and pleas- 
ant words made him beloved by all who 
knew him. The officers and enlisted men 
of this regiment express their heart-felt 
and sincere sympathy for the bereaved fam- 
ily during this great sorrow. 

6. Capt. Edward B. Cantey is hereby di- 
rected to provide a funeral escort for the 
deceased, and to detail a member of his 
command to accompany him with the re- 
mains to Columbia, S. C. 

7. A copy of this order will be sent to the 
bereaved family, and be published in The 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



235 



state, the Columbia Record and The News 
and Courier. 

By order of Colonel Springs. 

J. D. E. Meyek, 
Captain Second South Carolina Infantry, 

Adjutant. 

SERGEANT GONZALES IS LAID TO 
REST. 

(From The State, December 27, 1916.) 

Personality was signally exalted in the 
outpouring of popular affection which 
marked the laying to rest yesterday of 
Robert Elliott Gonzales, for the man so 
mourned lacked two full years of 30 and 
had been but five years engaged at his pro- 
fession, and although the pathos of his 
passing was enhanced by the fact of his 
dying at 28 in the service of his country, 
it was his brief career as a journalist and 
that in the practice of perhaps the most 
difficult specialty of newspaper work, edi- 
torial paragraphing, which procured him 
national reputation and gave him a place 
all his own in the hearts of thousands 
whose very names he knew not. 

During the interval between Mr. Gon- 
zales' death at El Paso a week ago, of 
pneumonia contracted from exposure inci- 
dental to patrol duty along the Mexican 
frontier, and his interment yesterday in 
Elmwood Cemetery, Columbia, expressions 
of regard and of grief reached his family 
and The State in thousands, coming from 
the humblest of his admirers as well as 
from the presidents of the United States 
and of Cuba, from others highly placed in 
public life and from the masters of the 
craft in which he himself had attained su- 
preme distinction within half a decade. This 
tribute reached its climacteric in the at- 
tendance on the formal rites of yesterday, 
an attendance which in character as well 
as in volume indicated how generally heart- 
engaging was the occasion. 

Mr. Gonzales on the mobilization of the 
organized militia last June left his desk 
and fulfilling the tradition of his house 
joined the colors, enlisting as a private in 
the machine gun company of the Second 
South Carolina infantry. He died a ser- 
geant in that unit, having refused to permit 
of the exertion of interest toward pro- 
curing more rapid promotion and preferring 
to advance on desert. 

Sergt. Gonzales' body, wrapped in the 
flag for which he gave all, was escorted 
East by three members of his company, 
Capt. Edward B. Cantey and Sergeants 
Macfie and Murray. The two latter were 
themselves ill on the transcontinental jour- 
ney and some misgivings were entertained 



lest they develop pneumonia, but they ral- 
lied and were able to participate in the 
services yesterday. The funeral party was 
joined on the way by several Columbians : 
E. D. Sompayrac, W. P. Caldwell, James 
D. Lee, A. D. Oliphant, and three members 
of the staff of The State : John S. Rey- 
nolds, Brian Bell and Joe Sparks. The 
party went from the station in Columbia 
to the Gonzales residence, 1516 Richland 
Street, arriving at midnight Monday. 

The funeral, semi-military in character, 
was held yesterday morning in Trinity 
Church. The officiant was the rector, the 
Rev. Kirkman G. Finlay. Assisting was the 
regimental chaplain, Lieut. John McSween, 
Jr., who returned on furlough to his home 
at Dillon only last Friday. Lieutenant Mc- 
Sween was present both in his official ca- 
pacity and as the personal representative 
of Col. Holmes B. Springs. The military 
escort consisted of a sergeant and 14 men 
from Company M (Camden), First South 
Carolina Infantry, under Lieut. A. M. Mc- 
Leod. The party comprised Sergt. M. A. 
Bateman, Corporals J. P. Heath and J. W. 
Lenoir ; Private C. P. Villepigue, W. E. 
Lenoir, C. D. Jordan, C. C. Hough, P. L. 
Anthony, I. S. DeBruhl, C. C. Medlin, B. 
S. Wren, M. E. Fort, O. J. Rose, W. M. 
Hasty and J. B. Gardner. 

The Harvest Jubilee Band of Columbia, 
under direction of Wilbur Schumacher, took 
station at the south of the church entrance 
and as the procession approached and en- 
tered played softly Chopin's march. The 
vested choir, supplemented by singers from 
other churches, who volunteered their ser- 
vices, sang during tlje service, "Lead, Kind- 
ly Light" and "Abide With Me." The 
prayer book office for the dead was re- 
cited. 

Committal Service. 

On the conclusion of the brief service 
the band struck up as a recessional the 
"Dirge Dolore" of Pettee and on the march 
to the cemetery the same beautiful com- 
position was played. The Rev. Mr. Finlay 
read the committal office and prayer was 
said by Lieut. McSween. A double quartet 
of male voices sang the hymns, "Peace, Per- 
fect Peace" and "The Strife is O'er, the 
Battle Done, Alleluia" and the patriotic 
anthem, "America." The singers were 
Cyril Baxstresser, Walter T. Love, Frank 
Sims, Pinckney V. Mikell, M. D., George 
Baldwin, A. Earl Boozer, M. D. ; Maj. Frank 
Glen, N. G. S. C, and David King. 

When the low earthen mound had been 
heaped and banked about with flowers in 
extraordinary profusion the escort fired 



236 



TRIBUTES 



three saluting volleys of 14 rifles each 
and "taps" was sounded by Thomas Light- 
foot, a Spanish-American war veteran, by 
whose last evening calls Robert Gonzales as 
a lad of ten had been often lulled to sleep 
at camp at Marianao near Habana. Mr. 
Liglitfoot had the melancholy privilege of 
playing the same sad call at the funeral 
of Gen. Wade Hampton. 

Flowers Notably Beaufiful. 
Probably there has not in many years 
been assembled so extensive a collection of 
flowers at a Columbia funeral as that 
which overflowed the chancel of Trinity 
Church yesterday. Several hundred indi- 
viduals sent floral tokens of their sym- 
pathy and affection and many floral pieces 
came from organizations. Among the lat- 
ter which were impressively represented 
were : Officers of the Second South Caro- 
lina Infantry, Machine Gun Company, Sec- 
ond Infantry ; the Adjutant General's of- 
fice ; the South Carolina Press Association, 
the Columbia Club, Habana Camp, No. 1, 
United Spanish War Veterans ; employees 
of The State Company, the Goodfellows' 
Club, employees of The Herald, the Journal 
and The Carolina Spartan, Spartanburg ; 
the Wade Hampton Chapter, United Daugh- 
ters of the Confederacy ; Columbia Typo- 
graphical Union, No. 34 ; the Woman's 
Auxiliary to the National Guard ; the 
student body of the University of South 
Carolina ; the Clariosophic Literary Society, 
University of South Carolina. 



The Habana Camp of United Spanish 
War Veterans not only had sent a floral 
tribute but had cabled Maj. John D. Frost 
to act as its personal representative. The 
press association's contribution was appro- 
priately a large pillow of white flowers 
bearing a paragraph mark inset in purple. 

The pallbearers were the managing edi- 
tor of The State, W. W. Ball ; the veteran 
foreman of the composing room, John J. 
Cormack, and the following members of 
the newspaper staff : John S. Reynolds, 
McDavid Horton, Brian Bell, Joe Sparks, 
S. L. Latimer, Jr., and J. Irby Koon. 

The escorting squad, lately returned from 
the border, did its duty smartly, and with 
dignity. A gracious act of courtesy was 
performed when the squad in marching past 
saluted the monument in Senate Street to 
the memory of the late N. G. Gonzales, 
uncle of Sergeant Gonzales. The military 
dispositions were admirably made by the 
assistant adjutant general, Maj. John D. 
Frost, in cooperation with Lieutenant Mc- 
Leod. 

One of the galleries was reserved for 
negroes and in all the congregation there 
were no mourners more sincere than the 
family servants, the office janitors and the 
other colored friends who sat there. 

Gov. and Mrs. Manning and the private 
secretary to the governor. Col. O. K. La- 
Roque, were among those who came to 
pay tribute to the memory of the young 
soldier- journalist. 



TESTIMONY OF HIS TEACHERS 

'His many-sided and brilliant career as a student." 



Prof. George A. Wauchope : * • • His 
alma mater mourns the untimely loss of her 
brilliant and promising son. Old Carolina 
has graduated many sons who have gone 
forth to illustrate her lofty ideals and to 
shed lustre on her name by noble deeds. 
Among these deathless names Bob Gonzales 
will be remembered. Thousands are think- 
ing of him to day as the versatile editor, 
the beloved "Colonel Aftermath," a master 
of infinite wit and genial humor. Others 
remember him as a faithful friend and de- 
lightful comrade, overflowing with good 
cheer and liindly interest in others, and 
we who were wont to climb the stairs to 
his office on the third floor will never forget 
the cordial welcome which greeted us and 
which betokened the warm and enduring 
friendship that he felt for old associates. 
In these intimate relations of life the 
generous impulses and manly qualities of 
his nature were constantly manifest. 

While he was at the university I knew 
Gonzales intimately, and to know him was 
to love and admire him. I proudly recall 
his many-sided and brilliant career as a 
student. With intense satisfaction I fol- 
lowed him and counseled him in his various 
literary ventures as editor of The Caro- 
linian and The Garnet and Black, and as 
founder and first editor of The Gamecock, 
our popular college weekly newspaper. No 
other student, since my connection with 
the university, possessed greater inherited 
gifts, and it was a great pleasure to watch 
his powers unfold as he put one after the 
other of his talents to the test. His suc- 
cess in the short story, the familiar essay, 
in lyric poetry and the ballad and in 
oratory was rewarded by medal after medal. 
In fact it was not uncommon for "Bob" 
Gonzales, as he was familiarly known on 
the campus, to be called to the rostrum 
two or three times at one commencement 
as the winner of medals. He represented 
the university at the State oratorical con- 
test at Greenwood, winning first place in 
delivery. At the time of the centenary of 
Poe he recited impressively a poem of ex- 
quisite beauty specially composed for the 
occasion. More than once I urged him to 
collect in a couple of volumes his short 
stories and the verse which he wrote while 
a student in my department, but which 
he modestly declined to do. To him was 
the high gift of living words and original 
thought and that rarest of powers — "to 
build the lofty rhyme." It was while edi- 



tor of the exchange department of The Car- 
olinian that Gonzales first discovered his tal- 
ent as a paragrapher, in which as editor 
of The State's Survey, he was in a few 
years to win a reputation nationwide. 

Colonel Bond, Sitperintendent of The 
Citadel : He was only a year at the Cita- 
del, but his father was here when I was 
a cadet myself and we share your pride 
in the young man's literary accomplish- 
ment and your grief that he has so soon 
been sacrified. 

The late Dr. Edward S. Joynes : The 
death of Robert E. Gonzales is a public 
calamity, a loss to South Carolina, nay — 
for such were his talents and his promise 
— even to the country. So young, so gifted, 
so gentle and lovable — with such sweet and 
kindly humor — the center of such hopes — 
with such promise of usefulness and of dis- 
tinction, it is hard to realize that he is 
gone — that so much of life and of life's 
best powers and traits has ceased. • » * 

To me it is also a personal loss, near 
and grievous. For years he sat under 
my teaching — always intelligent, always re- 
sponsive and true. I loved him almost as 
a son, and he repaid me with an affec- 
tionate devotion. I looked with pride upon 
his ripening powers and his growing fame. 
A close friend of his family, I shared their 
pride in Robert, as I now share their sor- 
row. 

The services of Robert Gonzales as con- 
tributor to The State were known indeed 
throughout the country, while his para- 
graphs were widely copied. His death will 
justly be regarded as a loss to journalism. 
But for his extreme modesty his reputation 
would have been still wider and greater. 
But already he had won a large circle of 
admirers abroad, while his sweet and at- 
tractive character had made him a beloved 
favorite at home. 

President William S. Currell.- Rob- 
ert Elliott Gonzales, a brilliant alumnus 
of the University of South Carolina, has 
been snatched away from us in the pride of 
his young manhood by the dread scourge 
pneumonia. His alma mater, the journal 
in which his clever epigrammatic para- 
graphs appeared daily and the whole State 
he loved so \yc\\ mourn the loss of this 
noble young champion of truth and justice, 
whose scintillating wit could not conceal 
his warm and loving heart. 



238 



TRIBUTES 



Resolutions of the Faculty of the Uni- 
versity of South Carolina : Robert Elliott 
Gonzales, an alumnus of the University of 
South Carolina, and a sergeant in the Sec- 
ond South Carolina Regiment, U. S. A., 
died at the army hospital, Port Bliss, 
Texas, last night, after an illness of four 
days. Born and reared in Columbia, he 
was graduated from this institution in 
1909, and his after career so fully justified 
the high hopes of his fellow collegians as 
to warrant this brief tribute of affection 
and admiration from his former instruc- 
tors in this faculty. 

The vivid imagination, glowing fancy, 
sparkling humor and rare command of Eng- 
lish which characterized his work in our 
lecture rooms, and his many contributions 
in prose and verse — which are happily pre- 
served in the student publications — augured 
well for a brilliant future in letters. In his 
short career as a journalist he attained a 
distinction which was not bounded by State 
lines, for his editorial paragraphs, pointed 
by scintillating wit, were copied by the 
press throughout the Union. It was justly 
and fairly expected that he would attain 
higher distinction in broader fields and that 
his verse and prose would yet adorn the 
literature of his country. That his earlier 
ambition looked to fame in letters may be 
inferred from some of his verses as an 
under-graduate : 



.... "Lord, shall I 
Complain that thou has not vouchsafed 

me fame? 
Yet, tho' they glow no brighter, these mild 

gleams 
Suffice : take, merchant, thy world wealth. 

Be mine 
The unfettered soul that soars above a 

king's, 
As high as that blind bard's who in rapt 

dreams 
Saw seraph-trodden uplands, splendors 

shine, 
And God's own glory gild archangel's 

wings." 
Although urged by his friends to remain 
at his post in the editorial room, the pa- 
triotic ardor inherited from martial an- 
cestry was too strong, and he enthusiastical- 
ly volunteered for service on the Mexican 
border, where attention to duty and his 
bappy joyous spirit, his heart of gold, com- 
manded the entire confidence of his officers 
and the love of his comrades. 
Therefore, be it Resolved: 

1. That the members of this faculty 
record this expression of their esteem and 
admiration for one who reflected honor 
upon this university. 

2. That a copy of these resolutions be 
sent to his bereaved parents. 

Yates Snowden, 
A. C. Moore, 
W. B. Burney, 

Committee. 



FROM FELLOW COLLEGIANS 

'Under the elms, •when life -was in its spring'.' 



Eugene H. Blake, Oreentvood : • • • 
Back in college we who watched his first 
work just knew that Bob would be heard 
from. We just knew that Bob would find 
his way in that great, rough, wonderful 
place outside, that place of which we 
thought, half with hope and half with 
fear, that alluring something of which we 
we sang — "the wide, wide world." The 
only question was how long it would take 
the student to find himself great in the 
realm of thought and fancy. Poetry, short 
fiction, the essay, oratory with the stress 
on the thought rather than the delivery 
were the forms in which the mind of the 
versatile youth was revealing itself. 

Fancy then the delight rather than the 
surprise of those who "just knew" at see- 
ing the man seize a form the youth had 
scarcely touched, the editorial quip, and in 
these few short years be widely acclaimed 
the master in this form of expression. 

But the blood of the warrior was in the 
veins of the writer. The love of fair play, 
that feeling for the under dog, was in both. 
So when it seemed that his great country 
must bleed for the sake of a weaker peo- 
ple, Robert Gonzales volunteered for his 
share of the possible suffering and went 
with the boys to the border. And his share 
was to die. * * • 

So the world must have expected great 
stories of the work for the under dog — 
stories of bullets and blood, tears and 
laughter, heat and cold, disease and hope, 
hate and love — and what not — delicate 
blendings of the mixture that is life. 

But that pen rests. Sergeant Gonzales 
is called across the great border. In the 
service of his country, the mightiest of 
nations, a soldier has given his life. With 
his life Bob has written his grandest para- 
graph. 

A. D. Oliphant, Columbia : To those of 
us who were privileged to know of the tal- 
ent for writing with which Robert Gon- 
zales was endowed, the great prominence 
he attained as a maker of epigrams seems 
but a first step toward what we know he 
would have achieved had he been but grant- 
ed time. His paragraphs though quoted 
from coast to coast were to us who knew 
of his genius merely the expression of a 
small part of it which he gave unstintedly 
in workaday but craftsmanlike fashion 
without drawing on his reserve. 



Bob's talent for writing developed rapid- 
ly while he was a student at Carolina, 
where his sweet spirit and true heart en- 
deared him to many. He made himself 
felt in nearly all lines of student endeavor 
and was the mainstay of the college maga- 
zine. 

With Robert as the leading spirit, a few- 
other students at Carolina, interested as 
he was in the art of writing, were mem- 
bers of an organization called the "Scribes." 
The club met twice a month, and I do not 
think that a member was ever absent. Once 
a month each member read an original 
poem or story or essay which was sub- 
jected to criticism. The discussions led 
us into many literary bypaths and lanes. 
Robert's knowledge of English literature 
and the sureness of his interpretation was 
remarkable. No less remarkable, when his 
youth is considered, was the vigor and 
grace of his writing both in prose and 
verse which he did for these meetings of 
the "Scribes." 

Knowing him and appreciating his liter- 
ary ability as we did is it any wonder 
that we of the "Scribes," while proud of 
the fame his epigrams brought him, waited 
expectantly for the time when he would 
give some of the ripened fruit of his talent 
for verse and short stories to the world? 
The fact that he will never be able to do 
this adds to our personal grief over his 
passing. 

D. C. Heyward, Jr., Columbia It has al- 
ways been my regret that, knowing "Bob" 
Gonzales, I did not know him intimately. 
His closing years in college were my initial 
ones, and the fame which he had at- 
tained upon the campus tended to make me 
know and admire him only from afar off. 
My connection with The State did not begin 
until after he had volunteered for military 
service. His eminence as a paragrapher 
makes praise of his work seem useless. His 
being given first place by the paragraphers 
whom he admired is the highest eulogy of 
his ability that he could receive. 

.James D. Brandenburg, University of 
South Carolina : Most of his college mates 
knew him as a man of few and piquant 
words who watched campus life from under 
the brim of a light-colored slouch hat 
pulled low over the right eye. He was the 
most modest leader I ever knew. An all- 
round athlete, he was known as a wonder- 
ful writer and brilliant orator. In those 



240 



TRIBUTES 



fields he was preeminent and held undis- 
puted sway. He wrote anything from ex- 
travagant burlesques of college life to the 
most musical poetry. He was a poet first 
of all. Much as his paragraphs in recent 
years have daily brightened a trying period 
in my own life, I was never quite recon- 
ciled to his seeming abandonment of poetry, 
in which he would have taken rank with 
Poe and Lanier. 

T. K. Vassy, Oa-ffneij : I was in the uni- 
versity with Robert three years, graduating 
in his class. Since graduation I have read 
his paragraphs in The State with peculiar 
pride and great joy. I counted him one 
of my best friends while in school and 
frequently called to see him in his office, in 
passing through Columbia. His death is a 
great shock to me and I feel a distinct 
personal loss. I express also the senti- 
ments of the readers of The State when I 
say that journalism in the South has lost 
its brightest star. 

Andrew J. Bethba, Lieutenant Gover- 
nor : The news of the death of Robert 
Gonzales comes to me as a personal sor- 
row. I feel like some near relative is 
gone. I first knew him intimately as a 
student in the University of South Carolina. 
I was taking my M. A. degree and so 
was he and we often sat together in the 
class room. It was there I came to know 
his true worth and manly character and to 
appreciate his bright and rare mind. Even 
then he wrote with marvelous talent. 

D.wiD Hamilton, Chester : At a time of 
much sorrow human words can bring but 
little comfort to him who has lost a near 
one of whom he was justly proud, yet I 
wish to express to you and your grief- 
stricken family my profund sympathy. Your 
dead son and I were close friends at col- 
lege. Like other follow students, I ad- 
mired his beautiful traits of character and 
manly bearing. I have often seen him since 
I left the university and he was always 
the same sincere friend. His death is so 
sad. In the very spring time of his life, 
with everything in the world to live for, 
he was cut down and now he is gone for- 
ever. 

J. Hektz Brown.' I know that others 
can not feel as poignantly his loss as you 
of his immediate family. But I suppose 
you hardly know how keenly it has struck 
those of his friends who knew him best. 
As for me, I have been with you constant- 
ly since his death and the sadness of it 
seems to grow on me as each day passes. 
You may have heard of The Scribes at 



Carolina. I was one of the five. During 
the past year, we have seen a wiser Provi- 
dence take first Sidney Cohen and now 
Bob. They have both passed in tragic man- 
ner and yet in the highest service that 
the.v could give. And they have both left 
uncompleted a work that South Carolina 
can not produce others with the skill and 
heart to finish. My heart is with you now 
and will oe with you again as each re- 
curring Christmas brings remembrance. 

Douglas McKay^ Columbia: * • * 
The great outpouring of expressions of 
sympathy that comes from all parts of the 
nation evidences the high character and 
quality of work of which Robert was capa- 
ble, and which was so full of promise for 
a career of continued and increasing bril- 
liancy. It is not of this loss, however, 
which all who take a pride in South Caro- 
lina's achievements and hopes must fall, 
that I am most keenly sensible ; but it is 
of the loss of a friend whose loyalty and 
sincerity could never be doubted, and who, 
behind a shrinking and sensitive nature, 
possessed an undaunted and chivalrous 
spirit and a heart of gold. * « * 

Lucius C. Johnson, Aiken: In a mas- 
terly editorial the Columbia State recently 
quoted Poe's expression of the death of a 
beautiful young woman as being the sad- 
dest thing conceivable to man. But the 
death of a brilliant young man serving 
humanity, cut down in the very bloom — 
how infinitely sad a thing is this ! And 
wistfully the world thinks of rare poten- 
tialities never to materialize. What mor- 
tal can reckon the loss to humanity? 

Not soon will gifted "Bob" Gonzales be 
forgot by those who knew him, or knew 
of him through his writings. A rare per- 
sonality lay behind the pen that labored 
so eagerly and earnestly ; his was a won- 
derful gift in "sentence sermons" of witty 
comment, of cheery optimism, of human 
philosophy, to lighten and cheer the 
daily routine of thousands. His was a 
unique position in journalism, swift and 
deserved his rise. It is difficult to reckon 
the service and worth of the journalist, for 
his influence goes out in ways unknown. 
The smiling cheer that Gonzales evoked 
daily are of those intrinsic things that can 
not be weighed and valued. He will be 
missed ; but in his passing, like Rupert 
Brooke, John Laurens and similar men of 
rare spirit and high ideals of patriotism 
and duty, he leaves behind the glory of a 
rich legacy. 

Cecil Wyche, Spartanburg: I have Just 
read with profound sorrow and deep regret 
of the death of Robert Gonzales. * • » 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GONZALES 



241 



I knew "Bob" when he was at the Citadel 
and also when he was at the University 
of South Carolina, and both my brother 
Granville and mj-self were always very fond 
of him. He was popular with all classes 
of people in this State. Hundreds of thou- 
sands of people in South Carolina and 
throughout the whole country, who have 
been looking forward to the time when he 
should have returned to Columbia and re- 
sumed his duties as paragraph writer for 
The State, will learn with great sorrow 
that he is dead. You have lost a noble son, 
the State of South Carolina a useful citi- 
zen, and the newspaper world a brilliant 
writer. 

WiNGATE Waring, Oreenville: There is 
little that can be added to what has been 
said of Robert Elliott Gonzales by the 
many who were his friends and admirers. 
But I beg to be numbered among those who 
mourn this irreparable loss. I knew him 
when we were both small boys, later at 



college, but even better since our college 
days, and his untimely passing is to me, as 
to many, many others, a personal grief. 

Who can live so long as ever to for- 
get the refreshing humor, the gentle satire 
of dear "Colonel Aftermath?" Who of the 
readers of The State does not remember 
Bob's Christmas greetings only last year "to 
everybody in the world, except to the old 
Turk," and all who knew Bob know well 
that he held no malice in his heart nor 
evil wish, even to the old Turk. 

In the spring of 1912, when Bob was al- 
ready on the way to fame as the para- 
grapher of The State, the Garnet and Black 
staff at the university was hard put to it 
for something really literary. Bob saved 
us by contributing to the annual publica- 
tion of that year the following lines, which, 
better than anything I have seen, show the 
great soul that dwelt within that mortal 
body. (Here follows the poem, "A Creed," 
reproduced elsewhere in this book.) 



THE VOICE OF THE PEOPLE 



Christie Benet, Columbia: When Bob 
Gonzales enlisted in the Second South Car- 
olina and left for the border, those of us 
who knew him well thought that the ser- 
vice would make him more of a national 
character than he was ; that the touch of 
the great Southwest and the intercourse 
with men from all sections of the country, 
fired like him with courage and patriotism, 
but with different points of view, would 
send him back to us, bis readers and his 
friends, with an added power and a wider 
vision. And now he is dead ! Dead in his 
young power and strength ! With not even 
the chance to die in a fight for his coun- 
try ! 

What a loss to you and me ! To all South 
Carolina ! The one mind in the State 
known and quoted from coast to coast and 
whose daily sayings brought smiles and 
joy to thousands. Who can forget the tale 
of the hunt in Shandon with the bob-tailed 
dog and the crowd that came to jeer? Or 
the chant of hate against okra? Or "Villa 
batted for Carranza in the 9th?" Or the 
paragraphs that you remember and can 
quote even now ? Every one clean and vital 
and kind. 

Modest, brilliant, courageous ! The last 
of his line ! What a complete tragedy. 
Death surely found his shining mark. 
Requiescat in pace. 

President J. O. Willson, of Lander Col- 
lege: * * *0, the pity of it! Some of 
us not only admired him as a brilliant par- 
agrapher, but realized his poetic ability, 
and were hoping that this rare endowment 
would come to full flower in the future and 
would enrich Southern life and literature 
to a very groat degree. The loss of a pos- 
sible great poet is immeasurable. I hope 
he left much of such work unpublished, and 
that you will issue a volume of it, with se- 
lections of paragraph work in it. How 
strange that so many who could sing to 
men's hearts fell asleep in life's morning .' 

The Rev. Geo. A. Blackburn^ Columbia: 
His heart was loyal to the history and 
traditions of the South. In reading his 
writin.gs there was no fear of being shocked 
with a jarring discord or an inharmonious 
note. The blood of the low country was In 
his veins and its spirit was in his breast. 
War conditions have passed away, but we 
still need his keen satire and matchless 
pen to enable some of our modern critics 
to get a just estimate of themselves. The 
loss of one who loved his own South as 
he did, and who stood ready with quiet 
courage and splendid abilities to do battle 



for her with either pen or sword is a loss 
indeed. 

The Rev. N. N. Burton, Batesburg: 

• * * After all, life depends not as 
much on its length as upon its depth and 
breadth. These essential elements were 
present in our young friend in a most re- 
markable degree. He lived but a brief 
time, but he lived well, he lived much. Few, 
if any, have impressed their generation as 
did R. E. Gonzales. There is a reason. 
Along with his remarkable wit there was 
a depth of philosophy, a breadth of vision 
and a generous sympathy which gripped 
and held all who came within the spell of 
his mind and heart. 

Personally, I was in his presence but 
once, and then only for a few moments. 
With his soul and mind I was in daily con- 
tact during the time when he edited the 
"Survey." My deepest impressions of him 
have been from his public utterances. The 
"man" was reflected in his "words." There 
was that nobility and generosity in his 
character and that high purpose in his life 
which gave weight to his wit and pungency 
to his paragraphs. All of us were hoping 
that in the near future he would be back 
in his old place, but, alas ! R. E. Gonzales 
was an example to his peers and an in- 
spiration to us all. 

J. Wilson Gibbes, Columbia: » • * 
It is a great achievement to attain 
primacy in anything good. Robert Gon- 
zales was the premier paragrapher of his 
time. His brain was a mint in which were 
coined sparkling phrases and delicious wit 
that have caused thousands of persons all 
over this country to look eagerly for his 
daily menu of merriment. 

He could "torture one poor word ten thou- 
sand ways," but there was no gall in his 
ink. His wit in the combat, as gentle as 
it was bright, "ne'er carried a heart stain 
away on its blade." 

The Ursvline J^^utui. Ursuline Convent, Co- 
lumbia. • * * The death of your bril- 
liant son is a loss to all South Carolina. 
His genial, scintillating wit, trenchant, yet 
always kind, brought daily to our homes 
a morning burst of brightness which was 
missed from the day he joined the army ; 
and now we are saddened because the hope 
of his return is taken from us. • * * 

The Hon. Jas. A. Hoyt, Columbia: 

* • • In his particular line of writing, 
paragraphing — which is the most dIfHcult 
newspaper work — he had no superior in the 
United States, and few, if any equals. He 



ROBERT ELLIOTT GO NZ ALE 8 



243 



was equally facile in the less showy and 
more substantial editorial work. 

It Is not difficult to explain that fine 
quality in his writings of which a stranger 
took note. His genius, as all genius, was 
the product of definite causes. It was my 
privilege for four years or more to live as a 
member of his father's household, and I 
watched Robert's intellectual development 
with affectionate interest, but no surprise. 
His taste for good reading came to him by 
inheritance and environment. He early 
learned to love the best books ; they were 
his best beloved friends ; and the charac- 
ters of the greatest writers' creation were 
his daily companions. 

As a boy he was reserved and dignified, 
as he was as a man, yet full of boy spirits 
and fond of manly sports, as became one 
of his inheritance. Some boys, even when 
reared amid culture and refinement, are al- 
ways boys and not always gentlemanly. 
Robert, even as a boy, was always a gen- 
tleman ; and without violation of propriety, 
I trust I may say that my outstanding 
recollection of his home life is the boy's 
never failing courtesy and devotion to his 
mother. 

When he took the enlistment oath last 
summer, generations of soldier sires stood 
back of him. Thinking of him as a soldier, 
my mind goes back to that other Christmas 
when he came home for the first time from 
the Citadel, and I can see the splendid pic- 
ture he made, every inch a soldier, in his 
cadet uniform. Then joy and pride reigned 
in his home. 

A. S. Sallet, Jr.j Secretary South Caro- 
lina Historical Commission: * * * Robert's 
death has been such a profound disappoint- 
ment to me ever since I learned of it that 
I have been stunned. I had hoped that his 
brilliant, sunshine-producing, friend-making 
career would last for many, many years. 
He has put more sunshine into my life than 
any other one person it has ever been my 
good fortune to know, either personally or 
on paper, and there are many more who 
can say the same thing. I said I was 
stunned. Yes, it is hard for me to realize 
that the lovable boy is gone ; that his scin- 
tillating wit and droll humor are hushed 
forever. For months to come I will find 
myself unconsciously wishing that Bob Gon- 
zales would come back from the border and 
write things to make me smile and laugh 
and be happy. 

Joseph J. Enloe, Winston-Salem, N. C: 
I knew Robei-t E. Gonzales only at sight, 
but I read his paragraphs religiously. I 
have quoted "Bob" hundreds of times. I 
have a box of clippings from his pen. I 



carry a few in my purse all the time. I 
didn't even know the boy was ill until he 
was dead. My heart overflowed. I could 
not withhold the tears. I am saddened. I 
miss him so much. I was so anxious for 
his return. My heartfelt sympathy goes 
out to his family, The State, South Caro- 
lina and the country he served till death. 

The Rev. Richard Carroll^ Columhia: 
♦ * * I called to see Mr. Robert E. Gon- 
zales the last week in May and had a talk 
with him about my friendship with the 
family, who had done so much for me per- 
sonally and so much for my race in South 
Carolina. I called his attention to the 
writings of his late uncle, Mr. N. G. Gon- 
zales, and to those of his father, and then 
to the fact that his uncle, Mr. Ambrose E. 
Gonzales, had stated to me that The State 
was dedicated to God, justice, law and or- 
der ; and that I hoped he would live to 
carry on the work when his uncle and 
father would sleep in their graves. I will 
never forget the earnest attention he gave 
me. At the close of our conversation, and 
in answer to my hope, he said, "I will." 

C. A. Woods, United States Circuit Judge, 
Richmond, Va.: The sorrow is too great 
for any word of comfort. My own distress 
is not only for your loss but for the loss 
to the State, to all of us. ♦ * * 

The Rev. John Jordan Douglass, lilen- 
heim, S. C,: * * * He was a peerless 
master of epigram. His wit was as natural 
and unstudied as the ripple of the river. 
The press has lost a splendid genius and 
the loss seems irreparable. His gift to his 
country is the height of heroism. He gave 
himself "And greater love hath no man 
than this." 

A. G. KOLLOCK, Darlington: • • * 
Not since the death of your distinguished 
brother, N. G. Gonzales, have we sustained 
such a loss. Your son was giving us in his 
own way what your brother began, a paper 
of which the whole country is proud. 

Richard I. Manning. Governor of South 
Carolina: I am sincerely grieved to hear 
of the death of Robert Gonzales. I have 
known him for years, and his ability as a 
paragrapher was recognized widely and gen- 
erally. His pithy and witty writing gave 
spice and enjoyment to his readers. But 
his services wei-e not limited to his writing. 
His patriotic impulses moved him to enlist 
in the machine gun company. Second South 
Carolina infantry, when the call for men 
was made for the National Guard. He 
enlisted as a private, saying he did not 
want a commission secured by influence, 
but would accept one only when he won it 



244 



TRIBUTES 



by his own merits. In this short time he 
was promoted to the position of sergeant, 
and was recognized by his superior officers 
as material marked for further promotion. 
It is a loss indeed that this bright young 
man, gifted in many ways, should be cut 
down in the flower of a virile and useful 
life. 

Walter Hazard, Oeorfjctoicn: I have not 
looked on Robert's face since those golden 
summer days when we fished for minnows 
in the brook that flows through the Glenn 
Springs meadows. Yet his sunny temper, 
gentle manner and boyish chivalry have 
formed a picture in memory's gallery as 
vivid and as winsome today as it was then. 
That these qualities should have produced 
an impression so lasting and attractive is 
a striking proof of his rare personality, 
and it is not strange that I should often 
have wished — as I have— that I could see 
and talk with him again. The admiration 
won by his brilliant gifts and the affection 
inspired by his charm of character were a 
fitting sequel to the promise of his early 
years. The news that his spirit had passed 
"beyond the smoke and stir of this dim 
spot which men call earth" brought to me 
a keen sense of personal loss and grief. Not 
less truly than if he had fallen on the bat- 
tle line did he die for his country. "Greater 
love hath no man than this." You could 
ask no nobler epitaph for him and his 
friends could wish no higher achievement. 
"For him the threshold of the world 
Was still with morning dews impearled." 

Special Order Issued by His Company 
Commander. 
Camp Owen Beirne, El Paso, Texas, Janu- 
ary 12, 1917. 
Headquarters, Machine Gun Company, Sec- 
ond South Carolina Infantry. 
Special Orders No. 15 : 

Robert E. Gonzales, sergeant, machine 
gun company. Second South Carolina Infan- 
try, died at the base hospital, Fort Bliss, 
Texas, December 19, 1916. 

Robert E. Gonzales enlisted in the ma- 
chine gun company. Second South Carolina 
Infantry, June 25, 1916. He was promoted 
from the ranks to the grade of sergeant, 
July 10, 1916. 

Of his fame and brilliancy as a journal- 
ist, others have spoken. We knew him as 
a soldier and a man and our opinion of 
Bob can never be expressed in words or 
letters. We lived with him, served with 



him and loved him. When taps blew for 
Bob we lost a gallant comrade and a be- 
loved friend. He died as he had lived — 
true to his country, true to his friends and 
true to his God. Requiescat in Pace." 

Therefore, be it resolved, That the deep- 
est sympathy of the members of the machine 
gun company be extended to the family of 
Sergt. Gonzales, with the assurance that 
their loss is our loss, and that we mourn 
with them for our departed comrade and 
friend. 

And be it further resolved. That a copy 
of these resolutions be maifed to the fam- 
ily of Sergt. Gonzales and that copies be 
sent to the newspapers of the State for 
publication. 

W. C. McGowan, 
First Lieutenant Second South Carolina In- 
fantry, Commanding Machine Gun Co. 

Capt. Isadoke SchayeHj Medical Staff, 
Second South Carolina Infantry, El Paso: 

Sergt. Gonzales fought a brave fight every 
minute, though unconscious the last few 
days. Whenever aroused, he would answer 
with a smile. He had captivated his entire 
ward, from the chief surgeon to the last 
private. The nurses — two of whom were 
put on extra — practically neglected the rest 
of the ward for "Bob," and none of them 
had a dry eye at the end. Bob's brave 
struggle stimulated all to an heroic fight. 

Lamar Edmunds, Second South Carolina 
Infantry (In a letter to his mother in Co- 
lumbia).- Everything in our company has 
been turned upside down this week about 
Bob Gonzales. Poor fellow, he made a big 
fight for his life. * * * It certainly 
was awful. I never saw anything affect the 
men as his death did. Every fellow liked 
him fine. I was one of the pallbearers and 
stood it until we put the body in the ex- 
press office and one of the boys played 
"Taps," and that got me. It was bad 
enough to see 60 men crying, and I never 
want to go through anything like that 
again. 

Col. H. B. Springs, commanding. Second 
South Carolina Infantry, El Paso (tele- 
gram).- Bob died tonight at 11 o'clock. 
The regiment mourns the loss of a good 
and true soldier and South Carolina loses a 
valuable and distinguished citizen. He died 
with honor to the State and its people. Our 
sympathy is with you all in your sad be- 
reavement. 



LIBRARY OF 



CONGRESS 



°£15897 355 8 # 



